The goal of this blog is to motivate myself and others for further practice as well as provide details that might explain what's going on..

Friday, May 11, 2018

Hands-free touchpad

A geisting event today. I'm not very good at touchpads. A student's laptop .. tried to open the VSCode window in the background to double-check one of his functions. Having done so, I let go of the touchpad. For about a minute, the mouse cursor moved around the screen in complex patterns, clicking in random places, selecting text and then finally slowing down to a halt in the middle of the screen. The anomaly lasted so long that I could say "WTF", the student turned around and both of us witnessed the laptop .. alive. He even got to show it to another student - "Look, Sussch is moving the mouse without even touching the laptop". It did look quite responsive even though I did not think it was me doing it - maybe some static electricity, confusing multi-finger gestures or whatever.

After another 14h workday, took a long walk home. The lovely sunset and the sweet fragrance of the trees blooming. Awesome. Noticed that I could feel the trees slightly flexing around me. Walked slow but had a green wave for most of the way.

Wednesday, May 9, 2018



While walking home, discussed stuff with a student that I'll be supervising. At some point we reached the following:
  • In general, we the people don't like to take on additional responsibilities.
  • We would rather have someone else take the other responsibilities because we are already busy with our own responsibilities as is.
  • Somebody has to take the responsibility for a group, country or even mankind.
  • Becoming a politician is quite unappealing. However, if nobody wants to take the responsibility, then it makes sense to create an artificial entity that would do the dirty job.
  • Mankind would have willingly developed an AI to enslave itself so that it wouldn't have to take the responsibility for itself and its own actions.
  • No corruption, right? /s
Note that this is not really that far-fetched. For example, there's Duncan Cameron who claims to have visited the future and seen a similar system in action.

Some realizations

One day I realized that in reality there is no such thing as a plunge. There is only concentration and object(s) of concentration. I believed I had slipped or fallen but it was just me concentrating on a variety of fleeting feelings and emotions instead of the everlasting.

Discussed stuff with the student from India again today. Waved him bye and continued my walk home. While on the way, I realized that many years ago when I reached bliss 24/7, I simply lacked the concentration to penetrate the pleasure and became lost in the pleasure. It is not the lack of desire to evolve further that was the problem. Instead, I mistook the bliss as my goal. Having experienced now that the bliss is also impermanent, it's not a very good goal at all. It's not any better than bodily pleasure, just higher by a layer or two. There are many layers.

Dreams of dwelling

Dreams have become more of just sleeping somewhere else. Whether it's an imaginary bed in the livingroom or just grass with dew on it on a cold morning, the dreams are also brighter than before.

Waking OBE?

It was about two weeks ago that this happened, I think. Not sure, meant to blog about it but forgot.

Spent some late hours in the cleanroom at work. Stood up and noticed that something was off. Way off. Had to focus on walking straight because it constantly felt as if my head were tilted to the left .. as if tilted out of body. Quite disorienting. This lasted for about a week, fading away gradually.

Edit: Realized the cause today morning. I've been sleeping without a pillow for a while. I had probably slept with my physical head tilted off axis, whereas my astral body must've been sleeping straight.

Finite or infinite universe? 


Expected more of the sutra. An enlightened master like Gautama surely must have seen the nature of the universe, and yet all he used to disprove the 18 beliefs was one sentence irrelevant of what the belief was about:
All of the followers of these beliefs defended and clung to their faith and didn't believe in other faiths.
Aversion or clinging does not make a theory become any more wrong. I would have expected him to mention which of the theories describe reality the best.

While thinking about it, I stumbled and fell onto Buddhist cosmology:

This seems a bit too advanced for me just yet. Would take a lot of research.

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

White dog

Had a long chat with a student from India, in front of a university dorm building. A lot of different topics. Then suddenly a white dog spotted me at a distance of about 30 meters, and came running at me. I didn't know how to react, especially due to having been bitten by a dog a while ago. However, the white dog had clearly recognized me and was running to me out of sincere happiness. The dog looked so happy, even though his master was frightened about completely losing control over the dog. The dog happily looked up at me while waving its tail, and then darted off back to his master.

I thought I recognized Pätu in a new body. Before passing away (ref), Pätu was a female dog, with a long jet black fur. If this white dog was indeed Pätu, then most of the bodily characteristics had changed .. except for the size and proportions. The white dog had short fur, and was male, I think. Very interesting.

Oh right, almost forgot. Had an OBE some days ago. Flew around the room, but forgot what else.

Sunday, April 22, 2018

Thick field

Dream: Thick field

Landed at an airport somewhere in Colorado, I think. There was a group of us that had to hold a meeting somewhere. Somewhere less noisy than the airport. Someone from the group had access to a meeting room at a military installation and brought us there.

Waved at the guard on duty and entered some kind of a security scanner. At first I thought it was just a regular X-ray scanner but it wasn't. I was fascinated by what it felt like - it was as if I was suspended in a thick field of energy. I was a bit worried about any potentially harmful effects on the body but most of the energy only penetrated the surface of the "body" (or whatever it is in a dream). It caused a slight tingling sensation. As I walked through it, it felt like walking through water, or perhaps, through a bio gel refrigerator.

Asked the guard what kind of a field is used there. He described the properties of the field, which in my mind associated with a bio gel refrigerator the most.

I had spent quite a bit of time in the field, and after leaving, my "body" produced quite a bit of sweat.

Very interesting..

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

What the hell

Need to practice mindfulness.

Dream: Mountain, the other side

A couple of nights ago I had a dream where me and sister were walking up the alley. We approached a mountain that we had been climbing each night. Out of habit, we started to climb it from the side on our right. On the right side there were a few trees, but not much else - a difficult path but since we had practised it for all our lives, we could easily climb up and down in just a few hours. We were proud of that. Moreover, I could just as well fly up there and fly back down again.

In order to take the most out of the training, I suggested that we try the other side of the mountain, for change. We approached the other side, which at first glance looked a bit easier to climb because it had steps and platforms for resting. This was deceptive, however. After climbing for a while, I noticed that I could still touch the ground with my hand - I had barely progressed at all. Looked at how sister was doing, and noticed a chest a few steps downward. Hopped there and basically let distractions get in my way.

The next few dreams were all about distractions.

Dream: Washing machine

I was washing clothes but the washing machine kept leaking from everywhere. Then there was something wrong with the electronics - some wires loose or whatever. Patched the wires while the washing machine was still running. A lot of debugging at runtime, and a lot of water on the floor. Ahem, the whole room was a mess.

Dream: Ignorance

Walked around the town when I spotted a young boy with a bicycle. He caught my attention because there was a string from him to his father, and this string kept pulling him to places. His father was drunk-driving around, and didn't care about the way he was dragging his son around.

Followed the boy, called the police, told them our location and where we were headed. The location did not make sense - signposts with garbled text, however, we were headed towards a building and a street that I knew anyway (access to the rational mind from within dreams).

His father stopped. The boy gave me a camera to gather evidence of his father and the car. I took the camera (some weird device that did not really look like a camera at all), set it recording and started walking around the car. The car was stuck and could only budge a little. Perhaps because it was so dented and beaten by the man's crazy driving.

As I approached the car, I sensed the danger that he might run me over. However, the license plate on my side was missing and I wanted to at least get the license plate on record. Not sure if it was the front or the rear end of the car that was towards me - the car was only partially defined and glitchy like in a dream that's not particularly vivid. Even though I remember seeing the front radiator, logic says it must've been the rear of the car. I moved around the car and got eye contact with the man .. while still recording it all. The man was furious about me recording the whole thing because he felt defensless.

He pulled a pistol and aimed at my head as I arrived around the corner. Instead of trying to avoid provoking him any further, I moved closer to get the gun on camera as well. With reflex, I jerked my head left as he pulled the trigger. It might not have been enough. Saw the muzzle flash, heard a loud bang and felt it with my head, after which I heard / felt something like periodical zapping or arcing of high voltage across the hemispheres. For a split-second, we were both dumbfounded, then the man was scared. Then I failed to control my emotions, waltzed to the driver's seat on other side of the car and started banging his head against the doorframe of the car.

Managed to hit his head twice before I woke up thinking: "Just what the hell am I doing?" Seriously, I was warned several times, ignored all the warnings, got shot and then still thought I had the privilege to hit this guy's head in front of his kid? Wtf, dreaming or not, this was very barbaric of me. About 3 AM, so it must've been one of the deeper dreams.

Saturday, April 14, 2018


First time there. The first images that I got of Budapest, were very sad and uncertain (but it could've been just me). Basically, I saw a small transformer building with kids shoes and clothes, and got a vivid image of happy kids unwittingly slipping into the world of drugs .. with the following issues with their friends, family and so on. The abrupt extinction of the potential that youth provides. Tried to find the registration desk which was supposed to be at the first floor of the university main building. Entered the building and found myself in some cellar corridors which looked as if they led to interrogation chambers from the soviet era, with old machinery and pipes everywhere. Well, cool .. walked through the maze twice, and eventually still asked where the reception desk is supposed to be. It turned out that there were 2 ground floors before the first, so I had to go to the "3rd floor". Silly me, but at least I caught a fairly rough feeling of the university. I'm impressed by the university and how advanced it is.

When asked how I find Budapest, I said "interesting". Typically when I've been to some country or a specific city, then there's a feeling to the place that uniquely describes it. Although Budapest is large (could easily fit the populace of Estonia .. even that of Latvia), it's well planned, beautiful, and the people seem very friendly, something's off. While staying there I couldn't shake the feeling that something's not right - perhaps because I couldn't find the feeling that would uniquely describe the place.

Met a Latvian (friend of a friend) with common interests, and he said he had been puzzled by the same thing. In an attempt to catch the feeling, he had walked the shady corners of the city but the unique feeling had still eluded him.

This makes me wonder if perhaps Budapest (or maybe Hungary as a whole) is shielded, or somehow shifted away from the rest of the world. Or perhaps it's just so diverse that there no longer is a solid construct of the place. Anyway, weird.


A bit too fancy, imho. However, apparently I was not given a non-smoking room. Smoke constantly propagated through some ventilation shafts or whatever.

Double bed just for me? Why? Well ok, took the side of the bed with a slightly brighter aura. Couldn't sleep for the first night .. actually couldn't sleep too well the next nights, either.

Anyway, the first night. As I closed my eyes, I found myself surrounded with flowers of different colors. It looked as if the space itself consisted of flowers. There was an obvious presence of a woman. She had her problems, but she also had her joys so all in all the entity was neutral or perhaps slightly positive. I just had to make her acquaintance in order for her to let me spend the night on that side of the bed.

Regardless, the next couple of nights were a bit nightmarish. A tunnel collapsing due to a bus crashing into the wall or something. Couldn't do anything except perhaps getting people to places with a bit higher probability of survival. Then some classic dreams of somebody chasing me, and so on.

The hotel was so fancy that the fanciness confused both me and the personnel too, I guess. Took a bottle of mineral water from the minibar and left a bank note to pay for it. Based on some simple detective work, this confused the janitor who had taken the minibar log, called their boss, nervously stuffed the minibar log back onto the table, and readjusted it on the table just before leaving the room. Oh well =) .. took the minibar log and bank note down to check-out on the final day to explicitly state that I would like to pay for it in cash.


A couple of days before leaving for Hungary, it was +23 *C in Estonia. The next day it was perhaps +2 *C or something. In Hungary, the weather forecast had said it would be cold, but it was over +20 *C for most of the time.


Tried to acquire a reasonable amount of contacts but tried not to be too annoying. Got along pretty well with guys, but things were different when I tried to talk to a girl sitting next to me at a restaurant. She seemed more interested in my age than in the topic at hand, and my age was the end of the discussion. Sigh. I need to learn communication (not RF, mind you).


Following a Gala dinner on the Danube river, most of the people decided to go to some bar. A few of us decided to enjoy a hike up the Gellert Hill, in suits. Nice discussion on theoretical physics and electronics. After the descent from the hill, a white city jeep passed by real slow, going uphill. Everyone inside the car stared at us for a long time while passing by. The car engine died, they restarted the car while it was rolling back downhill, and then parked it with great skill. Us: Wat just happened?

Yup, finally bought a suit before the Hungary trip. Used to despise suits but proved to myself that I can also enjoy a suit. Realized the influence and importance of traditional robes. It's a ritual that works through the expectations that people have developed in their minds.

Saturday, March 31, 2018

An old dream manifesting?

After reading "Old Path White Clouds" about Buddha's path to overcome ignorance, I took a bus to Tallinn. Watched a movie. Picked "Birdman (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance, 2014)". I was quite surprised. A very strange movie about an old levitating psychokinetic who tried everything he could in order to manifest his dream for the future. To be more precise, he tried everything that he could while maintaining his ignorance. The movie highlighted the depressingly tall cliff of ignorance, and it did it quite well.

At Tallinn. Easter. Was.

Took a nap during the day, and overheard grandpa discussing a letter that he had received. There's an old dairy factory building across their apartment block. For a long time, the factory building has been used as restaurants, bars and office rooms. Now they're planning to build several other apartment blocks and a kids' playground there. I was blown away by the architectural drawing. Why? It all seemed a bit too familiar to the first half of the Flying Lucid dream.

Watched a TV show where young classical music artists battled with skills. I was blown away by their skills. A 17-year-old marimba dude pwned all the others. As his final musical piece, he performed something so abstract that was beyond me. By hanging around with, and listening in on professional music artists I've learned that's what they enjoy - something so abstract and so difficult to pull off that it's just incomprehensible for non-musicians or perhaps it's even incomprehensible for average musicians. I caught myself thinking: "Oh man, there's no way I would be able to even get close to that level of skill if I started playing an instrument." That sparked controversy within me, because I used to believe that if I've been able to learn at least a bit of psychokinesis then there's pretty much nothing that I can't learn. Something snapped, and I remembered that I was mistaken. One does not play an instrument with intellect. Instead, one learns, creates and / or replays the emotion-scape of a song by letting their body live it out. It's being in the moment that matters. Always does.

Cool, a Skype call with Mom. She's travelling around to meet different yoga masters and ask all sorts of questions. I would like to say that I'm jealous but for some reason I'm not.

A few dreams.

At a crossroads

Knew I had to go to Tallinn the next day. I arrived at the bus station but missed the bus. Then I found myself at a train station but I was too early, and the train tracks were rusting away in sea water. Looking at the tracks, I figured that I didn't want to go anyway. The train station morphed into a harbour in the mist. I was too early to go to Saaremaa. Looking at the mist, I figured that I didn't want to go anyway. So I just stood there, observing the superposition of the train station and harbour, feeling a bit sad and lost.

On the way

I was moving through places. Regular roads, until a tiny island emerged in the distance. Very colourful, with a sunrise from behind it. A palm tree emerged, casting cool shadows. Like a round portal on the right side of the road. I think the dream was way longer and contained many similar symbols, just forgot because the next dream held more of a meaning for me.

Building stairway backwards

This one's pretty meta imho.

Me and sister (I think) are in a cylinder-shaped building with a slightly domed ceiling. The walls and ceiling are golden but it's dim so that they don't shine. There's a spiral staircase but it goes to the second floor only. It looks as if it's simply unfinished.

I'm like seeing myself from a 3rd person view or something, floating above myself and my sister. Levitating somewhere higher, I see the stairs from top-down and wonder how it would ever be possible for me to get up there.

The mini-me and sister climb to the end of the stairway, turn around (facing down the stairs) and start building the stairs. They don't notice that they're floating in the air, and that they shouldn't be able to back up the stairs where there are no steps .. just thin air. But for them it's not important, because they take one step at a time and build another one, never paying any attention to how far they are from the floor or how far they are from the ceiling. They are happy with each step. They keep building, until they realize they've bumped against the ceiling .. which is where they wanted to get to, so they are again happy.

The cloud-me: "Wat?"