The goal of this blog is to motivate myself and others for further practice as well as provide details that might explain what's going on..

Friday, March 16, 2018

Radioactive orb

A heapful of time since the last post again. Very busy times again. Beyond the comfort zone in so many different directions at once. On the other hand, there have also been many moments of realization.

A radioactive orb?

One day several weeks ago, I saw a bright white orb again. Thought it was an effect of my eyes, so I looked at it from various angles and also looked away and back again. The orb floated past my left shoulder. Couldn't tell its distance because it was just a point source but I assumed it was in the same room so not more than 20 cm from me. It looked like a miniature welding arc. Exceptionally bright but non-physical. It did not leave a blotch, similar to what looking into the sun would've done. Also, I couldn't see it when looking straight at it, it was only visible in the periphery. Still, by looking past it in one direction, then at it and then past it in the other direction, I saw that it remained in the same spot in space.

Not the first time that I've seen things like this. However, it was the first time that I felt the orb radiating heat. It was as if the sun (or perhaps slightly cooler than the sun) were shining on my left arm, my cheek .. as well as the rest of the face as I looked at it from different angles. That evening I felt sick unlike anything I had felt for months. After some shivers and a bit of sweating, I was completely fine the next morning again. Weird.

Had a symbolic dream one morning, and I think it might've been the same day that I met the orb.

Dream: Threatening bird

Me and a couple of cousins had climbed a tree. I noticed that the tree branches are bending too much under my weight, so I hopped off to avoid damaging the tree. (in reality, that tree has been dead for several years already) A bit sad that I can't play, I decided to walk across the yard. I was not only sad but also enjoyed the bitter-sweet feeling of loss and I was glad that I had at least spared the tree. Cousins jumped down from the tree as well, ran past me and entered a building on the other side of the yard. I decided to go there as well but some kind of a stupid bird decided to come and pester me. It tried to be as scary as possible, to keep me away from there. I didn't understand why someone would try to keep me away from there .. I've lived there several years of my childhood. What is more, this environment is in my mind and nobody is supposed to stop me from wandering safe places within my own mind. Why is some stupid bird trying to boss around. The bird (sparrowhawk, I think) landed on the roof while I was cursing it. The bird just stood there, staring at me silently, looking way more innocent than it before. I threatened the bird with death, and at that moment, some kind of a demon of death manifested behind me. I was startled by my own words, which did not seem like mine .. and woke up.

Edit: While writing this down, I think I realized what the native hostiles in my own mind are about, probably. Especially after watching some Babylon 5 episodes with battles between the vorlons and shadows. It is not me that they're hostile against, because they and I were born with the environment, the same mindscape. I myself have put up the shields and barriers to keep these places safe. What I have failed to take into account is that sometimes I'm mixed with other entities that are not safe to enter these sacred grounds (my own karma is not always my own). That's why my own guards draw their swords against me, and rightfully so. One must let go of everything that does not belong first. Obvious things that I've forgotten in this society. In the old days, the rituals accounted for all that.

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Minor geists

Cat is painfully bored. Today one of the cat's toys hit the floor and started rolling towards me. However, the cat was on the other side of the apartment and the toy rolled at 90 degree angle from the cat's line of sight. At first I thought that sister had tossed it and it had bounced off her shoe, which caused the 90 degree turn. Threw the toy and noticed that it doesn't bounce .. too soft for that. Psychokinetic cat? Cool.

Recently there have been a few geisting events. A loud bang here or there without anyone in the vicinity, or something hopping off the table right in front of my eyes (in that particular case, it was a clothespin).

Edit: Toaster started buzzing pretty loud. Started headbanging to it. It then became even louder and produced a sound a bit similar to an electric guitar riff before suddenly becoming more silent again as one slice of white bread dropped a little.

Prediction of near-future events has been pretty good.

Babylon 5 is pretty awesome, and yet quite predictable as well, I think. Yay for space! Though, stumbled upon some exciting conspiracy stuff as well.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018


Dream: Tall help

Remember that tall guy? From the previous post.

Last night one of the deep dreams (first 4-5 hours of sleep, not very stable dreams) featured him. Me and someone else were building a two-storeyed house. To be more precise, we were pouring concrete floor for the second storey. One of the walls was made of glass. This tall dude appeared in front of the glass wall, read my thoughts and wanted to help by taking sand from the pile and passing it to the second storey with a shovel. However, the tall dude was like an NPC or something, and couldn't comprehend that there was a glass wall between us. His shovel kept bumping into the wall, causing the sand to fall off the shovel again and again. The wall was more-or-less impenetrable and I wanted to keep it that way. I wondered what to do and how we could make use of his will to help. Phased his shovel and sand through the glass wall. It worked.

I was then transported (flown) out of the building and off to the edge of the dream (like a cliff into the void of sorts). I guess I wasn't lucid or something, because I was afraid of falling. Instinctively, focused as hard as I could on flying back onto the cliff without dropping any lower. It worked as well, though, I had no free resources to marvel at myself levitating.

Just a day

Yesterday morning I saw the grid of light again after waking up.

Ate lunch at a canteen. Took a beef cutlet but eating it made me sad. I knew I would have to finish it even though it tasted bad but that's not what made me sad. The situation caused me to seriously consider reducing my meat consumption.

Monday, February 19, 2018

Thank you for the sauna

A few nights ago I healed some kind of a kid with the method that cats typically use. My astral body automatically heals the physical body by spreading the vibration of specific frequencies throughout the body. Hugged the kid and amplified these frequencies in his body, until they were at a similar amplitude to mine.

Encountered quite a bit of stress again yesterday, even though my connection with the environment seemed to have remained. Colleague also said she felt depressed again ... the energy wave of the shamanic journey had passed.

Kitchen lamp died yesterday evening, without a sign - suddenly just no longer lit up. The same lamp that I've already revived once with pk. When flicking the switch, the CFL sometimes flickers but then goes dark again. For most of the time, it's just dark.

Watched some Babylon 5 on the weekend, as well. It's amazing indeed, just like my uncle said it was. Fellow psions, check out season 1 episode 6. It's like a quick summary of Akira or Shinsekai Yori mixed with some spiritual progress.

Assumed the lotus pose on the bed and meditated, while breathing out into different regions of the body. Haven't been breathing right for years. Soon the cat came, looked at what I was doing, leaped on bed, curled up next to my right knee and fell asleep. I stood up and left about half an hour later, whereas cat stayed on the spot. Some similar meditation during the night, before falling asleep myself.

Familiar dreams

The first night that I had the good old dreams back again. Met dad in one of the dreams, and mentioned my plan of buying together a desktop PC for training RNN. However, he did not seem to care about that. Instead, he said: "Oh, this is how far you've evolved" (a spiritual hint).

Next dream, I'm on Saaremaa with an uncle and a couple of cousins. Throughout the night, each of us minded their own business. Cousins played computer games while I did some other kind of work. I think I was cleaning something, but there were a lot of things to finish before the morning when uncle would take us back. Eventually they prepared sauna and enjoyed it. They were all so carefree. I still had a lot of things to do, but would've wanted to go and enjoy the sauna as well. A while later, uncle casually noted that he would get going soon. With great sadness and disappointment, I thanked him for the sauna and said I would start packing right away. When I went to pack my things, there was nothing there, except for a 3 litre jar of pickled cabbage. Touched it and woke up.

Background, for the second dream

Still swamped with work, and haunted by the lack of will to go all berserk and finish the tasks one by one.

Fine, the lack of motivation for writing the conference proceeding had a rational explanation - needed to discuss the structure before proceeding with the writing.

Work for the new job? Not much point in going all out and focusing deep on these tasks before the meeting on Monday (today).

Thought I would then take my thesis and continue with that. Opened the notes from the last meeting with the supervisor .. binary blob. Bloody NTFS again. Alright, made a backup, reformatted and dropped permissions support (probably what caused the issue). Recovering from the latest PDF back to the last committed TeX is for some other day, then, I guess.

Too strict?

Today I surprised myself (and maybe others) with how strict I was, maybe even brutal. Pushed my interpretation of things on students, project managers and so on and below. Perhaps I should hold back and be more humble, instead.

Pan made crackling noises. Hadn't heard that before. What's even more strange .. the pan made the noises even when it was barely warm at all. That was a new pan. At least until it met our gas stove, I guess.

Other than that, today morning I saw the all-permeating light a little.

Edit: Oh, and today at the department store I saw someone. Looked up, looked up even more, and saw that the person was about twice my height. I used to consider myself tall (1.8 m), but now suddenly there was somebody standing next to me, almost twice my height. Puzzled, but his proportions still looked human.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Shamanic journey

The sensitive colleague invited me to a shamanic journey.

As a matter of coincidence, the night before the journey, one of the cousins visited. He had to stay awake throughout the night for some kind of medical research again. I let him play Factorio (the game's all about optimization), which was very effective - he got so addicted that he couldn't fall asleep.

Knowing that I would also end up with minor sleep deprivation, I tried to optimize as much as I could. Before their arrival, I took 3 hours of deep sleep. The rest of the night I had to spend in dreamless meditation in order not to participate in the zombie apocalypse as the first thing in the morning. It took me a while to get to the state where the mind was all blank, except for the feeling of my own presence. Years ago I found this to be the most efficient way to rest.

Throughout the day, I was still a bit awkward and had trouble communicating. However, I found myself happy and content with my life. My lecture was not the best but I guess it served its purpose. Had to leave early from a meeting in the evening, in order to make it to the shamanic journey on time. Left the meeting a bit too late. Thought of taking a bus but would have had to wait and would've definitely ended up being late for the event. So, took a hike and surprisingly made it exactly on time.

Most people had brought their rolling mattresses and pillows. With a blank mind, I just selected the correct spot and sat on the floor in the lotus pose. There was a pillar on my left, and two candles next to it (a small red, and a larger white candle). Colleague met a friend and took a seat on the other side of the room. Noticed that I was sitting behind an acquaintance. She asked the shaman about her dreams that involved some gray hazy figures asking for her help. The shaman didn't have an answer. I started to wonder if the shaman really was up to his task. However, the more questions he answered, the better the answers were. He had realized things that I had been wondering about for years. Also, he had good techniques for getting into the zone, opening chakras and so on. I was a bit surprised about the way he mentioned one of our good old family friends as the best shaman in the country.

The shaman then gave a short lecture on what the journeys are about and how one prepares for such a journey. I found it interesting how shamans picture the energy body, energetic blockages and thought-forms. Previously I hadn't compared humans to ents, but apparently they're pretty similar. Roots, tree trunk, branches, and thought-forms rustling like leaves in the astral wind.

Some rituals for clearing blockages, opening chakras, lowering shields between the participants, reconstructing a larger bubble around everyone, inviting friendly spirits and so on. He also distributed crystals that everyone would hold in their left palm, and later use as a reference to dream of things related to the journey. An interesting idea.

I tried to picture myself in the place where most of my spiritual dreams have taken place. It didn't work too well. It got dark and it was as if something were rising from the ground, grasping at me and trying to pull me down. I actually felt fear and didn't want to go down there .. levitated on top of the trees. Nothing happened, so I pictured myself in space, instead. Soothing .. with the shaman drums and all kinds of sounds clearing my energy blockages.

With my eyes closed and without turning my head, I saw someone to my right lift out of their body .. a white cloud in the rough form of the person.

Also, some things darted across the hall, while making strange chirping or squeaking noises. Literally, I thought mice and rats had broken loose. Except that in my mind's eye they looked like tiny crystals glowing white. The sound that they made, was very high pitched (close to the ultrasound that bats produce) and varied. They only produced sound when they moved. One of these things flew next to my right shoulder and stopped. When I started to wonder if it was indeed a mouse, then it disappeared. Later I compared the sound with the rattle that the shaman had but failed to find a way how the rattle could produce these sounds. In addition to the spatial effects (could distinguish the place where the rattle was, from all the scatterred sources of the strange sounds), the sound was different. The shaman had mentioned that rattles are pretty efficient in invoking spirits.

Heard the sound of chains as well, once. Thought the shaman made the sound.

At the end of the session, the back of my head started to hurt from lying on the hard floor. I was growing a bit restless as well, since I hadn't really experienced a journey. Moreover, despite the sleep deprivation, I hadn't even fallen asleep. So, why did I even come here, what's the point of the whole thing if I can easily get better results at home anyway? Okay, I got to listen some very inspiring answers from the shaman but still.. ::flash:: ::flash:: ::flash:: images started popping up one after another.

Just some ancient patterns and symbols (traditional clothing, some celtic-looking symbols, etc.) at first.

Then a detailed image of me and at least 2 other people sitting around a bonfire at sunset. Couldn't see their faces, just silhouettes against the red-blue gradient of the sky. The bonfire was in the nature, on a field. By sunset, the bonfire had almost died out (glowing, with some small flames and barely any smoke).

Then a round object with a metallic rim, leaning against something or placed diagonally. No visible background, just the object and its rim with some markings that looked like braille.

The shaman then played the flute to indicate our return. I focused back on the room, then body. Realized that at least partially, my consciousness actually had been away, or at least dissipated.

An interesting technique to accelerate the return of the mind to the body - drumming against different body parts with hands. That's also what we did before embarking on the journey. A simple technique but would have helped me a lot after returning from my own journeys, had it ever occurred to me - would've been less of a zombie during some university classes =D.

Walked back home with the colleague. Holy penguin how cold it was outside. It had been very warm during the day (+5 *C maybe), and during the journey it felt like it had suddenly become -20 *C. Other than that, she told stories of the geisting that she had experienced recently - kitchen utensils and books flying around, doors closing and locking themselves on their own, etc. Totally reminds me of Shy from the psychokinesis forum; I'm glad Shy managed to resolve her geisting problem. While walking past a fabric store, something knocked on the glass window on my left. I looked around and checked if I had accidentally hit one of the fastening belts on my backpack against the window but that was not the case. Street lights also went out as we walked past them.

Curious to see if something had attached itself to me, I observed if there was any geisting around me during the next few days. Besides a small object leaping off a table or a few things crackling here and there, no geisting. I was relieved. Also, dreams were normal, not even special in any way. Just felt good and found it a lot easier to connect to objects around me.

Lunch and commute chat was rather interesting, though. Some other colleagues also expressed their interest in these things. One of them is apparently a lucid dreamer and has also self-studied human psychology and dream dynamics a bit. Interesting.

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Short summary


It seems that I cannot flee from the problem of having to work on a dozen different things at the same time. No matter where I go or what I do, I seem to always end up swamped in work. Need to cope with it.

Instead of working 1.5x full-time at a half-time position (and skipping holidays), I decided to leave for another job. There's still school (PhD) stuff to do (the other entity that I worked for, merged with the university), so half-time for starters. However, the company is having a hard time and another main developer left. So, I've ended up with 2x full-time at two half-time positions, with about 4 different topics that need constant context-switching. So much for going to a company for "vacation". Facepalm. I love to challenge myself, so I guess I just need to figure out how to turn it all into meditation and enjoy it.

Hint: meditate, mate

For 2 mornings in a row, I witnessed someone sitting on seats across mine and meditating in the bus. Noticed the contrast - there's someone meditating before work, and here I'm reading conspiracy subreddit and listening to Doom 3 soundtrack. That made me quite jealous. Decided to change the music genre and meditate more often.

"Cute Baphomet"

Rant aside, yesterday I stumbled upon a crappy conspiracy post on reddit .. about some journalist figuring out what the god of freemasonry was. Whatever, but for the first time I took a closer look at the Baphomet drawing (Sabbatic goat) that's generally considered the essence of all evil. However, I failed to find anything evil about it. Instead, to me it looks like a symbol of fertility and a pretty good illustration of balancing the sexual energies, and of bringing them up to the central flame. Perhaps there's a general misinterpretation of the symbol?

Started re-wondering about the tetragrammaton as well.

Auric sight

While walking to work from the bus stop one morning, I saw a bright white light across the field on my left. Turned my head towards it and looked at it directly - couldn't see it. Looked forward again, and I could still see the bright light from the peripheral vision, but soon after that it disappeared altogether.

Today while preparing slides for a lecture, I saw something shadowish come next to me to see what I was doing. I looked at it, thinking it was the cat but the cat was not in the room.


A few nights ago I left a lecturing hall and found myself in a school building the size of a whole town. It had different wings for different levels of education but otherwise covered everything from kindergarten to postdoc. Lost my autopilot as I reached the first intersection. Never before had I paid any attention to how large the whole thing was and what all was there. Decided to glance at the library but I was disappointed at how small it was. It was just a robotic archive. Then went down another path, through some closed doors, past long halls full of server racks (the real library), until I got to an enormous cellar packed with a large amount of generators and transformers of some kind. Again mostly maintained by robots, with just a couple of engineers routinely checking some stats.

A couple of nights ago I appeared in some kid's room and taught robotics.

Saw sister come home last night (probably around when she actually did). Though, the environment looked more cluttered than this realm.

Last night I thought I hadn't flown for a while. Took off, and happened to cross realms from home streets to some place with pretty landscapes and multicolored crystal structures. The dream ended too soon, though.

Probably a lot more interesting dreams that I've forgotten to post about.

Monday, January 29, 2018

That snake, ego

Hadn't noticed that I had this much ego.

In the morning I felt somewhat offended that someone else had rendered my work redundant. I invested some time and effort, apparently for nothing. ::facepalm:: None of it was for nothing, I just wasn't able to see it clearly because the ego was blocking the view.

A student asked about the conversion of some numbers. I actually replied "Go google. It's trivial." FFS, even though the student has previously demonstrated a very arrogant and careless attitude, I want to serve as a good example. In this case, I acted no better. What is more, I asked a colleague trivial questions about calculating uncertainty today. He might've felt the same.

The internal heat has cranked up a bit more. It does so each time I relax or cleanse the body before bed. It feels like the intensity of the prana flow in the body has also increased. The habit of building tension, knots or stasis within the body has been pretty die-hard.

Dream: snake

Last night I encountered an interesting symbol in the dream. I was flying uphill, using my right hand to grab a tree branch to push myself forward every now and then. I was about to grab another branch when I noticed that there's like a black power cable on the branches. Quickly stopped to observe it more carefully. As I turned my head more towards my right, the cable transformed into a snake (gray scaled viper). The snake was looking straight at me from the right. Although it did not seem all that threatening, it looked almost as startled as I was. Not sure if I've ever seen a snake in a dream before.