The goal of this blog is to motivate myself and others for further practice as well as provide details that might explain what's going on..

Tuesday, November 19, 2019

Monthly humiliation

I would not have thought I was that weak. Earned a monthly dose of humiliation today.

On Monday morning, I had to wake up 3 times to battle pain in the eye. My condolences to all the pincushions out there, I feel you. Had some trouble keeping the eyes open while waiting for the bus but the rest of the day was bearable. So, I spent the free hours of Monday evening meditating and sleeping instead of staring at the computer screen.

Slept nicely today morning and felt better. Went to work and all hell broke loose. Installed some eye drops and endured until the lunch.

Then suddenly I was pouring a lake on the canteen desk and could no longer keep my eyes open. Kept blowing my nose, too, for it's rude and disgusting. It was a real challenge to eat the salad, but even more of a challenge to eat the dessert while listening to a former colleague describing issues from one of the spacecraft for which he's providing services.

After what seemed like forever, I had to somehow force through it to maneuver through the canteen desks full of people, carrying the dishes. I was lucky - did not have to close my eyes nor did I let anything fall.

While trying hard to make my way up to the office on the far end of the 2nd floor, I met other people who greeted me .. I tried to greet them back. One of them was even there with kids who then had to witness a pitiful 31 year old wuss with a grimace of pain stumbling along the corridor while holding to the rails, crying. Actually just uncontrolled watering of the eyes but who cares, looks just like crying anyway.

Anyway, made it to the office. Took the droplets and stumbled into a luckily unoccupied meeting room with a sofa. Some more drops on the eyes and took a short nap.

Went back to work, wondering whether I should head home immediately or wait for other colleagues to take me to the town. Opted for the latter, due to which I had to role-play a pum with a hangover (covering my eyes with a hand from all the lights) in the bus ... again that same crappy geezer crying in front of kids. A "perfect" idol / ideal for the future society.

That's enough of humiliation for the day, thank you karma.

Friday, November 15, 2019


On Monday and Tuesday evenings I found that I could tap into the familiar bliss while walking again. The mind was so tired that while not utilized for work, it had the tendency to relax and fall blank.

On Tuesday I realized that I'd need to rework a significant part of the code at work due to some changes in the requirements again.

Used this as a concentration practice to boost productivity. Have been using most of my free time to work on the code (and the 3 other urgent tasks in parallel). Anyway, this has gotten me a bit tired. Past weekend I also failed to fully compensate for the past week's worth of sleep deprivation. Expected and unexpected guests.

This, probably together with some lingering post-impressions from Disco Elysium yielded some interesting dreams last night.

Dream: Heavy clouds

I was in some kind of a building I haven't been to before. There was an old lady there (reminded me of my grandma but also didn't). The building had large windows. Through one of the windows one could see the town with a tall wooden church in the middle.

We looked out through the window and saw heavy clouds approaching. I said that I loved these kinds of clouds (they feel powerful). Just as I had said that, the shape of the clouds changed. One of the clouds developed a couple of small tails which did not develop into tornadoes.

Regardless, the church blew apart, followed by several other buildings in the town center. I was surprised and failed to find what could've caused the havoc.

Due to the multi-temporal overlay which seems to be rather usual in dreams, I also saw the new church which would be erected on the same spot years later. The new church was almost the same height but disturbingly green, due to which I liked the old one better. The old one was dark brown, btw.

Dream: Library

Had a chat with an old friend yesterday evening (IRL).

In the dream I happened to pass through a small library. This friend was there, studying something and his former supervisor was sitting across the table ... probably supervising him.

I noticed that I had passed through the library earlier that day, and had left a bunch of electronics-related books on the table. Waved at the friend and his supervisor (who is also a friend), then quickly glanced at the books which I had left open. Realized something interesting.

It occurred to me that by continuing my research on all sorts of anomalies (ghosts, geisting, psychokinesis, etc.), I might just be able to find patterns which are important for ZPE and anti-gravity. While not really evident at first, there's probably a common link - fine-grain geometrical structure of the universe which everything else might be built upon.

Tuesday, November 5, 2019


For the past few weeks I've been releasing the tension in the chest and visualizing hugging it with love.

As a side-effect, I've noticed occasional releases of pain from the body.

Most of my body used to be at ambient temperature for most of the time. Yesterday evening I noticed that a significant amount of heat was emitted from the chest.

As another side-effect, I've noticed that stress is relieved more easily and the mind occasionally becomes clear of thoughts on its own again.

Monday, November 4, 2019

Small hut by the sea

Having finished the Lain game, I had exhausted my old avatar. Suddenly I realized that I had no idol / ideal anymore. On one hand, it's a liberating experience but on another hand it means that I need to define everything myself and would probably end up becoming a role model myself. Started to feel happy, almost as if I had just been reborn once again.

Due to some kind of synchronicity (and DarkChakra's intuition), found another Estonian who had joined that Discord server.

During the weekend I also read quite a bit about anti-gravity and alternative propulsion topics again.


I had backed an orchestra and visited one of their concerts yesterday evening. Actually might have missed the concert if there hadn't been another guy who made the same mistake (the theatre had moved to another building). He told me where the concert was probably taking place and offered me free transport.

The theme of the concert was high voltage, which I found to be somewhat related to the research which I had just performed beforehand. I enjoy the orchestra because of how lively they are. A significant part of their performances is the interactive show. Dad also plays there, so earned perhaps 15 min of chatting time with him =).

Sometimes I've noticed the tendency of music artists to neglect the director. While wondering about it, I realized how useful such a system would be in solving engineering problems with very high spin rates or very high frequencies. 

Dream: Small hut by the sea

Me and some other person were using a boat to coast along the beach somewhere in a foreign realm. The whole place had the somewhat familiar eerie feeling about it, due to which we tried to remain careful.

We reached a small hut above the water, maybe 100 m away from the beach. I wanted to move closer to the hut and look inside. The other person notified me of the danger but I was curious and it did not really feel all that dangerous.

The hut looked empty (just some old planks and dust), and at first it felt empty, too. But it was actually not empty. There was an entity still guarding the waters from the hut.

I could not see her but I could sense her presence and converse with her. She explained that she and her kid lived there and asked my why I had come there. I expressed respect and curiosity, and asked her if throughout all her years there she has seen anything out of the ordinary.

She told me about an abnormally violent storm and high waves. I think also a whirpool of some sort was involved. As she described it, I witnessed it and felt the power.

I think we thanked her, and landed on the beach. As I woke up, the feeling of this power remained and I can still feel it a bit while writing this down ~18 hours later.

Sunday, November 3, 2019

End of Lain game

Finished the lain game (or rather, the somewhat unconventional visual novel). I think this finally filled in the gaps. Lain does not seem all that mysterious anymore. A lot of respect to the writers, artists and translators.

Monday, October 28, 2019


An interesting podcast from Bob Bain, again.

While the terminology seems a bit strange, a lot of what Von Braschler says, also matches my experience.

Phone call

Paid a visit to the conveniences (convenient because it's at home, and it's for free, too!). While there's nothing remarkable about that, I got a phone call while in there. I thought it can probably wait until I wash my hands. The call stopped after just a few seconds (not common among my acquaintances). Checked the number after I had washed my hands. Unknown number but from the same country, at least. Tried to call back ... "the dialed number is not in use". Hmm..

Wednesday, October 23, 2019

Sloppy sleeping schedule

Quite a few things have occurred in the meantime, whereas I have been too lazy to post them. Recently I've been feeling somewhat tired as well. Recently I've found it more difficult to speak again. Thoughts are not 1:1 translatable into words.

Dexter's lab

When I was smaller, there used to be a cartoon about a small kid having a hi-tech lab under his house.

Visited a place where I could rent cheap lab-space underground. Realized the difference between industrial, commercial and residential spaces. While I'm pretty sure I can't experiment with high voltage, high currents and strong magnetic fields well enough in the apartment, I do not have the funds, time nor means of transport to actually set up a lab at the edge of the town.


Yesterday it was somewhat stormy. The lights flickered at work. Some of the flickers felt synchronized to the activity of my mind. Later while walking to the bus stop, I noticed the same with the wind outside.

Today I occasionally felt synchronized to a colleague's network connection, with his Skype call becoming more glitchy when my mind returned to idle.

This might be due to my celibacy or detachment practices. There was also a successful attempt at tantra which might have changed the density of the field.

Intuition / precog

Yesterday the image of a neighbor appeared in my mind, with the thought that we'll meet today. While on my way home, I stopped at a fast food place to take some chicken snacks. This neighbor stopped right next to me without noticing me at first. Anyway, I had not seen him for months and he said that he had moved to another town (he did not want to reveal which one, though).

During just the past couple of days it has happened several times that I've said or suggested something which has only later turned out to have been the optimal path towards a goal. Since it's impossible to justify it (other than just "I don't like that option"), I first let people decide on their own and try to support their choice the best I can.

Channel of wisdom

Got seriously fascinated by Disco Elysium (video game by a local studio I once considered applying for). Have been playing it a lot throughout the past few days.

Anyway, on Monday night, I noticed that I had found a specific sensation in my mind. The sensation was accompanied by the imagery of exceptional high technology and spiritualism deep in some green woods. Took this as a target for some concentration practice. I suspect that my mind was not pure enough such that I was turned back from that place. But regardless, it was an interesting practice.

Following the concentration practice, I had quite vivid dreams.


One of them featured a pretty girl enjoying my presence. Thanks to my celibacy practice, this was not an issue.

Met grandpa afterwards. I think this was the first time he talked to me in a dream. Just a few casual sentences.