Disappointed

I'm disappointed.

Back at work I practised releasing the old stress. A lot of energy was released. The point of focus almost felt solid.

Then I come home, take a nap and I leak all the energy out with a wet dream. What did I spend the month gathering energy for? What use is a month of energy cultivation if energy is not cultivated? What do I have to do then to conserve energy? Why have several years of experimentation been fruitless? Why do I always leak energy right when I step towards feeling compassion and love towards myself? What's wrong in feeling compassion and love towards oneself? Why do I leak energy, then? What use is wisdom if there's no energy to apply it? Why do I even bother?

Also, the great book I mentioned in the last post. It's great and all but it didn't have anything on wet dreams.

Seriously, I suck at spirituality if I don't even have the dedication and willpower to maintain celibacy for more than 20 days (about 1/5 of the 100 days minimum).

I'm disappointed in my disappointment also, because there's no hatred in this post. I just feel sad. \me visualizes an attempt to kick a bucket but stumbles and falls due to a critical miss. Sigh, or something.