Scheduled: Internal struggles

A copy of some of my posts on the Discord server from Sunday.

Disclaimer: With these posts I'm not implying anything, don't worry. Just describing some of my internal struggles.
I hope that you either won't make the same mistakes or that you take the consequences into account.

For a couple of years or so, I've been feeling like I've missed my chance at life.
I used to think less of people who had a life, for their productivity and philosophical depth often seemed lower. Now I see it the other way around. All of them have homes and families, they're happy with their lives and so on. Actually I am inferior, always have been and it seems that it's too late now. Similar to what Hodgins said to Violet in Violet Evergarden (and what a former colleague also told me a while ago), my body and mind are also burning from all the past choices and actions. I used to have good health and I used to be proud of it, while at the same time I took it for granted. Used to drown sadness in studying and work. Now this body is somewhat worn and it seems that I can't work much overtime even if I wanted to.

On the other hand, I probably also would not have felt content with my life even if I had one. There would still be this longing for something beyond normal. It used to feel like whatever it was which I was longing for, was just behind the veil separating the physical and non-physical realms. However, since 2012 that's gone as well. Since then there hasn't even been anything to long for. It reminds me of continuing to play a single player game after the campaign is finished, with maybe just a few side-quests yet to be explored.

Over the years I've seen that sometimes there are things which need to be done. If I'm willing to do any of them and  when the time is right, it will be possible for me to do them. However, if I don't, then simply someone else does them (without needing any coordination on my part). Therefore, I consider myself expendable.

This is exactly what my literature teacher warned our class against and I more-or-less laughed at it. The literature teacher said:
"Ignore the political situation, lack of financial independence, lack of a house, lack of a car and get yourself a family. Then maybe start worrying about the rest."
"Postpone existential questions until retirement, or avoid these at all."

While I did not literally laugh at it, my reaction was more like "yeaah suuure /s. I've been pondering about existential questions since I was born, why should I stop now? Also, who needs a family anyway?"

Potential solution

Remembered again that the only thing which matters is the lifestyle and attitude towards everything. And even that only matters when you make it matter (so it's a part of the lifestyle and attitude). And that's also what Violet Evergarden was mostly about, at least for me.