Autumn hike

was awesome, too.

Similarly to friend's wedding, weather was nice. Although, the weather predictions had not been all that promising.

Enjoyed the connection with the nature.

There was a clear sky for a moment last night. Figured that since my previous list of wishes had come true, I should use the chance for a new wish. About a second after I had done so, there was a shooting star.

Friend's wedding

Had planned to prepare everything and get a good sleep before the event, but in this I failed. For some reason, I became nervous about the event. To some degree, it felt as if I were preparing for my own wedding. An awesome event.

When I arrived at the point of rendezvous, I started looking for familiar faces but couldn't see any. At some point, a couple waved at me. I waved back and walked to them. They were friends of the friend. Even though we have never really been close, somehow throughout the wedding it was as if we were close friends. They offered me a seat in their car. At the banquet I had already picked my seat when they asked me to sit next to them. As it turned out, my seat was still the one which I had picked, with the new friends to my right.

There was a girl, whom I found attractive for some reason. I was sure she was too young and not my type anyway .. thick make-up, shy / depressed, and seemingly from a Russian family. She never looked at me, and I was relieved thanks to that. I had already taken my seat when the family took seats just across the table. Unfortunately, the girl occupied my view in such a way that I could not see what was going on in the middle of the room without looking straight at her. She was somewhat clumsy and dropped a fork or knife. Later when I had changed my seat and was chatting with another guy, either the girl or her brother (who sat next to her) accidentally tipped a vase on my table.

At the wedding, there were quiz and feedback cards. The girl's mother looked rather suspicious of me. However, her attitude changed when she saw me sketch something on the feedback card. The way she changed, seemed rather strange to me.

In general, I tried to avoid dancing, using the excuse that I didn't know how to dance. Anyway, that girl also didn't dance (nor did she participate in any social activities). Then at some point, my friend's mother told me that there was a girl who wanted to dance but I was the only one still free. So I tried to ask her to dance but before I managed to, her mother and brother took her to dance. So I danced alone.

My discussions with the guy I mentioned beforehand, took me outside the party noise and I did not really see the girl anymore. In the end, I was left puzzled. Was all this just to get me out of my comfort zone and ask random girls out for a dance? If so, then wouldn't there have been a less obscure way of achieving the same result?

Sidenote

I observed the way others danced, and came to the conclusion that very few of the participants actually knew how to dance. It just did not matter. I also found that while the band did not seem to be anything special, their rhythm was so good that I found it challenging not to dance. Which provided all the more reason for me not to dance. Taming the urges of the body with the mind.

Conclusion

Hmm .. Perhaps this was to point out that my idol / ideal is no longer compatible due to my decision to find a girlfriend and have a family. Now that I think about it, by the current design, my idol / ideal would never have settled down with a family.

Revisiting the wax cube

The last week ended with a few days of pain, with my left eye burning and pouring tears. As it turned out, it was just a flu, which entered through the weakest point in the body and took down the immune system.

I guess the body couldn't take the bottled pain, sadness and tears anymore. So, I decided to start unraveling the wax cube (clicky) by focusing on painful regions in the body. Some of them released jolts of sharp pain and a wave of cold shivers.

While the eyes were not functioning too well, I practised seeing with closed eyelids again.

Yesterday I happened to take a bus at the time when the school day ended and a lot of schoolkids entered the bus. A short girl joked about hanging herself on one of the handles for standing passengers. I conjured an evil smirk without moving a muscle on my face. I still looked straight ahead with a dead serious face. This contrast between the evil smirk and serious face caught her attention and she started checking my face whenever she thought she was about to say anything bad. Don't joke about death, kids.

Heavy sweat

I removed my previous post, for it might hurt the target of my healing attempt if they ever stumbled upon the post.

On Saturday, in a sauna, I visualized my body releasing heavy metals through sweating. The visualization was broken by a droplet of sweat making a loud smack sound as it reached the floor.

At the bus station today morning, I attempted to throw chewing gum into a garbage bin. It got stuck to my hand for a moment, and then dropped as I was retracting my arm. For a moment, I was afraid it would fall out or get stuck to the edge - I did not want to litter. It fell on the edge of the bin, stuck to a cigarette (the only one on the edge) and bounced into the bin together with it.

Grid of light

is not a grid of light, judging by today morning.

Due to a problem with the eyes (had maybe rubbed them too much because of which they started to burn), I had slept on my back until morning. When I opened my eyes in the morning, I saw a glowing overlay of wood pattern. This pattern had no relation to the room background. I could only see the glowing overlay with my eyes open. It faded in a short while. I conclude that it was not due to pressure on the eyes which was my previous theory.

While I have no idea what causes me to sometimes see different patterns of light.

Psychoanalysis

I've been spending a lot of time on that anime-related Discord server. Thanks to the server I've learned a bit more about psychology and social interaction. There are an alarming number of young people with serious depression and anxiety on that server. There are also a few surprisingly intelligent members with whom I've enjoyed discussion on the spiritual and metaphysical matters.

Started reading "Fear of Freedom" by Erich Fromm while commuting to work and back. Encountered a few synchronicities with the chats on the Discord server.

Something was out of the ordinary on Wednesday, starting from 2-3 PM. Felt a bit of unconditional love towards myself. I wondered if the mysterious girl from the bus stop had returned to Estonia.

Watched Dororo. The anime described the era of the Samurai and a bit of the witchcraft involved. "Remembered" things which I have not experienced in this lifetime.

Enjoyed lunch outdoors on a cloudy day. Colleagues were chatting about school buildings which were still under renovation, due to which some classes would probably take place outdoors. "Remembered" what school would be like in 2120 or so. I'm glad I didn't try to describe it. Would have earned a bunch of strange looks.

In the meantime I've had some interesting dreams, most of which I've already forgotten by now.

Dream: Not my baggage

A group of us were going somewhere with a bus. The bus stopped for a moment. I stepped out with some others. Soon after, people boarded the bus again but they left some of their baggage behind the door. I went to pick it up for them but the bus took off, leaving me behind.

So I just stood there with the baggage, waiting for any good ideas on what to do in such a situation. I thought I could just as well wait for the bus, knowing it would not return. A black man approached and shouted to me that it's not my baggage. While I knew it wasn't mine, I felt the responsibility to handle the baggage because there was nobody else around who would have done that.

Dream: Flying

A rather vivid dream of flying over a landscape and some buildings in a beautiful sunshine. I could fly high and fast enough for it to be enjoyable.

Dream: Grandpa

I was at the summerhouse but it looked and felt different from what it used to. For one, there were tank tracks just behind our stone fence. Grandpa told me that he would leave for a walk. I worked on something indoors. Eventually grandpa returned and described what he had seen. He described some kind of radars not too far from the place, and relayed their bands. While I had not seen grandpa in dreams for a while (and in prior dreams he never really talked), I did not really find radars to be interesting nor relevant enough.