Remembered dreams

better than from some prior nights.

Right after waking up, I could recall dialogues which I had either had myself or overheard from places I walked past. Also remembered the text and questions on some forms which I was asked to fill in.

By now = 13 hours later I've forgotten most of the details already.

Other than how well I could remember the details, the dreams were nothing special. Perhaps a couple of things which I found interesting from the dreams:

Entering and leaving university buildings required paperwork due to some new EU regulations. With a lot of sarcasm, the lady at the reception was thankful to France for such innovation. The forms had questions about the reasons for entering / leaving the building, inventory and clothes, etc. While I did not find it reasonable, I didn't care and just filled in the form each time I had to visit the door.

I walked past some store booths and stuff. It looked somewhat like the chain of tax free shops at an airport. Then stood by a bar booth, waiting for friends. The bar booth acquired my attention due to some secret society symbology hidden in the logo and advertisements. A grumpy but rich old man went to the counter with a glass of something. A waiter came and asked how he could be of help. "Today morning I found that the taste of the glögg was off," the man said. The waiter rolled his eyes, thinking that now he's expected to teach clients when and how to enjoy their drinks. The waiter then described that it was meant to be enjoyed right after being served, for otherwise it would be impossible to guarantee the taste. Among the factors affecting the taste, for some reason he mentioned the direction of the wind which I found somewhat odd (but okay for a dream, I guess). Anyway, the waiter exchanged glasses of glögg with the old man, tasted the expired glögg and poured it into the sink. What also caught my attention and puzzled me in the dream was that I couldn't tell what language the old man and the waiter used. It wasn't telepathic, it was somehow either something universal or the dream me automatically translated everything without even noticing.

Ideas from dreams

There have been a couple of thought-provoking (in my opinion, at least) dreams which I've meant to post about.

Dream: Interpretation of a black hole

I was working on something while someone approached my table from my right and asked how I thought a black hole worked. I then described an idea based on the assumption of an aether (officially disproven in late 1800s). Moreover, it assumes that aether has friction against mass or charge.

You could take a mass (probably charged) and gradually spin it up to an angular rate high enough to close the loop of rotating aether. The closed loop would be the event horizon.

Dream: Grounding issue

I was debugging some kind of an amplifier for some kind of a measurement equipment. Hooked it up and found that its output saturated sometimes when I moved magnets or something ferromagnetic around. Realized that the device did not get good enough ground connection through the cable. Attached auxiliary ground and it worked without issues.

Engineers typically consider common mode effects a nuisance. However, maybe for some zero-point generators they could be quite important not to filter it out.

Female side

While healing the eye, I found what I had thrown away with the rest of the burden.

Balance

I've gotten the impression that every person has both a female and a male side in their non-physical bodies.

I had totally forgotten about my female side and apparently tried to throw that out with the rest of it. If I hadn't, then maybe the consequences would have been less dire or maybe nothing would have happened at all?

Anyway, during healing I re-found my left side again which I think should / should've rendered me independent again so that I would not need to rely on other people to exist.

Dark veil

After re-merging it, I noticed that there were 4 strands of consciousness running through it (backref to the 3-4 eyes and 4 people from previous post). Separating these strands was the good old familiar dark fog / veil. I decided to remove the dark fog and let the strands re-merge.

I visualized extracting the blob of dark veil and stuffing it into a jar for maybe using it later. However, right after doing that I realized the mistake - the dark veil itself is separation and I cannot separate separation from itself. So, I let it go to rejoin itself (with a smirk because I don't think that would be possible, either).

Researching the psychological cause

Looked into the symbology from a dream dictionary and found the following relations:

• Left eye relates to the moon (which in turn to the female side)
• An issue with the eyes corresponds to clouded judgement, or not seeing things for what they really are

One potential cause for the illness could have been the fact that typically I don't really enjoy the Christmas parties at grandparents' place. It somewhat feels like a job to go there and keep smiling to lengthen their lifespan. It has to be done but I should not treat it as the main reason for a family get-together. This could've been a minor contributing factor for the illness.

Not long before the illness I had discussed the conflicting life goals with a male friend. Considering the attempt at detachment, I acted exactly against his suggestion, which might've also been one of the contributing factors for the illness.

During the illness, I decided to take the dream from a few posts ago (clicky) and apply it.

Discussed the conflicting life goals with a female friend. The discussion eased my fears somewhat. There's no point in being afraid of something which might or might not happen in some future. If it happens, it happens (and need to deal with it then) and if it does not, then there was no reason to worry about it in the first place. Such worries could have also been one of the contributing factors for the illness.

Detachment: No you won't

On Tuesday evening I got the feeling that a specific member on that Discord server had died. Tried to help her pass on in my mind, and went to bed.

The next morning it felt like that member was alive. I failed to find any particular details which could've indicated a parallel realm. So, in the end I was just left confused as to what happened.

Detachment

While walking to the bus station on Thursday morning, I decided that all the unnecessary burden was a bit too much. Detached from everything. The moment I did, my left eye started to hurt and water. A bit further and I couldn't go on. Installed glasses to keep the wind away from the tears. This helped me go a bit further but eventually had to stop and rest the eyes before I could move on. Through a practice of willpower and concentration (I noticed that whenever I applied both, I could temporarily force through) I made it to the bus station. Applied eye drops against inflammation. They didn't help. Waited a bit for things to improve but things gradually only became worse.

Decided to turn around and go back home. Had to greet an acquaintance on the way which I found a bit embarrassing. Struggled hard to keep one of my eyes open for periods long enough not to be run over by a car or bicycle, and to avoid bumping into other people (or streetlamps posts). Took breaks every now and then. The longest break I took at the beach and in my mind's eye that's the spot where I left the burden.

Eventually made it back home. None of the old tricks helped and things only got worse until Sunday morning. Again an inflammation of the left eye with a fever. There was a constant pain with periodic nerve pain and spasms on top. Standing or sitting pose with both eyes closed was the most comfortable. Any tilting of the head caused the pain to ramp up.

Edit: Due to the timing of it all (missed a family Christmas party), I was forced to tell my grandparents (and thus the whole family) about it. This made them worry about me, calling me every day, asking for a status report. This, however, is the main reason why I haven't told them about previous health issues.

Desire to sleep

The pain was a bit too much for me to just go and face it right away. Tried to find ways to sleep without laying down. In that I failed. After about two sleepless nights like that, I wasn't able to hold my head up while sitting (kept falling asleep only to wake a split-second later in pain again). I became aware that the almost constant darkness, pain (and probably fever, too) were starting to get on my mental health. In my mind's eye I was already experiencing 3-4 left eyes having pain in different places.

Eventually I had to face the pain and "enjoy" it for long enough to become used to it so that I could at least sleep for a couple of hours or so. While quite a feat by my personal standards (especially since the pain was beyond anything I had experienced before), this was a breakthrough.

OBE: Playing four

I was "playing a game" of being 2 male and 2 female people somewhere in the dark alleys of maybe Tokyo or someplace similar. These people had no past nor any future. They were just there without knowing anything about where or why they had come from, what they were doing there and so on. All of them were in separate places and it was their interactions with other people which for some odd reason I considered to be of interest. While I only "saw" their shadows, I think they were all dressed in trench coats and shoes similar to what was in fashion in the 30s.

Different perspective

"What kind of a sick fantasy is this," I thought and woke up into pain and darkness. I could not remember who or where I was, or why I was where I was and I could not open my eyes. It took me some minutes to regain my memories again. It could have been that some of the body was still asleep and the memory was still cold-booting.

Went on the pilgrimage to wash my left eye with fresh water (as opposed to applying eye drops) and take some tea. While the trip was painful, I found myself more-or-less content with my life (in comparison to the sick excuse of a dream I had woken from). It is actually possible that a part of the pain was from over-usage of the eye medicine which did not work due to fever.

Once I got back to my bed, I thought I could see the spot of pain on the pillow. "A concentrate of pain," I thought, and realized that a pretty flower can only grow from a good (well-balanced) soil. While probably possible through a lot of effort, a pretty flower could be grown on a bad soil, it would be a waste of resources. Asceticism had suddenly lost its glare.

It also occurred to me that nowadays the fundamental physics is built on the assumption that charges must be in balance for things to be stable. However, if we assume that this universe or multiverse allows for mutually exclusive things to be true simultaneously, then such an assumption might not hold. It could be that some charges are properties of one universe, whereas some other are properties of another, etc. Or perhaps some of them are a part of the underlying structure supporting the universe whereas the others are a part of this universe. Will not try to elaborate on this here too much. Will just note down that the idea spawned from an assumption of a finite universe within an infinite one.

Healing

Decided to reduce the pain by actively focusing on relaxing the eye and the nerve strands which were tensed up due to inflammation. Laid back in the concentrate of pain and started going nerve through nerve, trying to relax the eye. Got half of the eye back to normal and managed to sleep some. Then continued the work. It took 3 iterations like that, with the far corner of the eye taking a bit longer.

But at least now I could open my left eye without mopping the floor (or soaking the blanket or pillow) with all the water that came out.

It made me really happy and a bit proud also (for once, healing was actually useful and worked).

Clairvoyance

Since I was practically blind for several days, I used the opportunity to improve seeing with without the eyes.

While it did work occasionally, and sometimes it worked beyond my expectations, there were also cases when it did not work or worked but did not produce any useful results. Quite often, the skill provided at least some persistence between quick glances of the surroundings.

Some observations:

1. With the point of view being from a random place (and sometimes changed between consecutive attempts), it was sometimes difficult to assess the distance to objects (and grab them with my hand).
2. Sometimes the view was not aligned to the body (I was standing at an angle to what I saw). This got me really confused and I managed to get lost in my own room.
3. Sometimes I saw things morph around or look different from how they were in reality. For example, I saw my feet stretched out when in reality they were not.
4. A sudden change from a dark room to a well lit room dispelled the skill. Things seemed to have worked better in dark rooms and hallways, but maybe also because of the signals from the physical eyes confusing the brain.
5. Regardless of how clear and detailed was the vision, I did not see all objects. In particular, I think I mostly saw objects which I had interacted with the most. For example, I could see my mug and a box of cookies on the kitchen table but completely miss the bag of cat's biscuits right behind the mug.
6. Sometimes I saw light shining through gaps or cracks which I would have found difficult to see with my regular eyes because of it being really faint.
7. In some places I saw some kind of glowing objects. One such object was attached to a corner of the blanket. I could only see it with my eyes closed but not with any of my eyes open.

Based on some other experiments with consciousness and its features, several of the issues with clairvoyance seem to stem from using a very powerful tool without properly configuring it first. Seeing with one's eyes closed is a rather simple use case for conscious shaping of one's consciousness density function.

Edit: Forgot something important. A couple of cases which I personally found interesting.

After applying eye drops (in a tiny bottle), I tried to put the bottle back to its place. In doing so, I used my left arm in a somewhat inconvenient pose (horizontally beyond my head which was on the other side of the back of a chair). Once I accidentally dropped the bottle. I managed to catch it before it reached the floor, without seeing it. And even if I had somehow seen it, I would have probably still missed it because of the inconvenient pose of my arm which would have messed up the whole motorics coordination. However, somehow such a feat was possible.

Once I was trying to reach a tissue on the floor. I had not paid any attention to where I had left it, so I was somewhat surprised to see (with my eyes closed) that it was far away from the others. Without opening my eyes I picked it up and it was actually there.

Shop visit

I had consumed almost everything consumable in the fridge. Went to the shop to buy something more. Felt really weird, but I guess that can happen after being blind for about a week. For one, I had to re-learn how to walk normally. The shop with all the people and signs was surprisingly overwhelming (even though I knew it would be).

I noticed that for once I relied more on intuition than on eyesight. I suspected that I had broken the plastic bag and instead of shrugging it off I went through the effort to determine where it was that I had broken the bag. This confirmed that I had indeed broken the bag without noticing it. While I wasn't aware of it at first, I somehow had another bag in the jacket pocket so I distributed the load.

Got to a traffic light and instinctively started walking towards the button even though the lights were already green. Later it turned out that I could only make it halfway across the crossing (intuition was right again).

Rewind

Remembered an interesting class of entities which I think I encountered sometime last week while attempting remote-healing on a depressed person on the Discord server. A dark bug-like thing which carried a specific kind of negative emotions. I think I forgot the emotion by the end of the healing attempt. When I focused on the bug, it started crawling around rather quickly, trying to escape from my mind's eye. The longer I managed to maintain my focus on the bug, the smaller it became along with the emotion which it carried. The person had two of these pestering them, both roughly the size of my palm. Chasing the bugs without letting the mind wander was a good concentration practice.

During the weekend I stumbled upon a video clip with the symbols of transformation.

Went to bed and experienced waves of heat rising "up" (actually sideways) the spine. Guided these waves with a bit of focus. Eventually started to see hypnagogic imagery of my mummified body tissues gradually becoming more and more alive again. At first it seemed a bit gross to see my body as a mummy.

Dream: Rewind

I was in the middle of a city of some sort. Looked like present time, with some skyscrapers and with most buildings made out of glass walls.

I wondered if my concentration was enough for a history lesson. Started rewinding time. The familiar "sound", or rather the feeling of accelerated flow through me which has been common to all prior similar experiences.

Skyscrapers disappeared, buildings changed, to eventually reveal a low mountain range in the distance. While I did get a little farther (volcanic rocks, volcanic activity, then something about some kind of "winds"), the experience deterioriated rather quickly.

As expected, my concentration was still not sufficient.

A book and a photo

Had a couple of interesting dreams.

Dream: Book

I had written a book and had my aunt review it. Contrary to what I would've expected, she fixed issues with equations and improved phrasing throughout the book. I was really surprised. We looked through most of the changes together. Some of the words I had not even seen nor heard of before.

The dream was vivid enough for the text and equations in the book to seem more-or-less reasonable.

I liked the fact that regardless of the content, the book was printed on humble yellowish paper.

Dream: Photo strip

I looked through some stuff. There was a photo strip. I noticed that for as long as I looked at it, the photos remained constant. Whenever I looked away and back again, the photos changed. I tried rotating the photo strip upside down, which caused only a slight change in the photos. This way I could look at the same objects with a slight difference in time or from a slightly different angle.

I realized the potential and wanted to show it to dad who was sitting to my right. I described the procedure to him, and wanted him to see the same effect. Unfortunately though, he could not retain stable concentration for long enough to see the effect. His mind slipped off the photo strip, causing it to lose any coherence with the previous set of photos.

It felt as if I had stepped over the line of what was allowed in the dream. I slipped the photo strip into my left boot. A 3-letter agent showed up in a military car, took the boot and started looking for the photo strip. All he got from the boot were some old doodles and pieces of writing on cheap yellow-brown paper. He could not find anything of value, and retreated to the claim that I had allegedly acted against the integrity of the dream. Eventually he settled on a small fine which I agreed to pay if he really considered it necessary. I told him that I did not have any cash on me, but I could pay by card. He only accepted either cash or some form of mobile payment. Knowing the capabilities of my phone, I told him mobile payment wouldn't work. He kept trying but for some reason he didn't get it that card would be the only way. It seemed as if he didn't have enough concentration to finish what he had come to do. He tried to take us somewhere but his dream faded before he could manage to get anywhere.

Thinking back on the photo strip today morning, I considered the similarities of the photo strip experiment to quantum computing. Then Ragnar Tornquist's video game series Dreamfall Chapters came to mind again. Quantum computers based on people's dreams.

Music

(Somewhat) busy times.

I wouldn't have thought I would get into music again. Reminds me of the Arab dream (clicky).

Maybe relevant: for some reason I've been handed 2 white roses (1 per week) so far. These have been given at different events or occasions with seemingly no relation to each-other. One of them I randomly gave away a few moments after receiving it. The other one is still decomposing in a vase.

Dream: Shameless showoff

I went to a concert or something, completely ignored the etiquette while flexing my levitation skills in dreams. I walked over to a 2nd floor balcony and leaned off .. onto the air. Eventually this took peoples' attention off the concert. A bit later I flew up towards the ceiling.

Dream: Missed graduation ceremony

I was working away at the laptop when I was invited to a small family gathering in celebration of my graduation. Uncle took me there with a jeep. I was a bit shaken by the way in which I was sitting in the car. My right foot was basically through the glove box door. Not a very nice attitude on my part. The way he stopped the car, hinted at the lack of attention to rigid body physics in the dream.

The family gathering took place at someone's back yard (hadn't been there before). There were two groups there: our family and another family from whom I could not recognize anyone. Apparently the event had been organized by a lady from the other family and she had invited me to chat with her daughter. Regardless of the fact that she reminded me twice that her daughter wanted to discuss something with me, I ignored it. I thought I knew what the discussion would be about and tried to either evade it or postpone it for as long as possible. Instead, I went to enjoy a chat with my father, sister, uncle and a cousin.

At some moment I remembered that I had some lessons and a graduation ceremony at school and I was already late. Vanished due to the morning alarm.

Felt tired and just sat on the edge of the bed for some time. I was not content with my attitude in the dream.

Glowing cat

Slept a lot yesterday and still felt quite tired. As a hypnagogic image I saw myself looking down on the cat on the floor, looking up to me.

There was also something similar to an astral projection experience where I moved through the apartment. I noticed that the lamp in the corridor was very dimly lit. Wondering why, I went closer. While this might've been overlay already, I saw that the lamp was covered with pieces of cloth so that it would not shine that bright at night.

Today morning I saw the cat glowing red from underneath his fur again. This is at least the 2nd if not the 3rd time in total. This kind of vision faded away in maybe about 10 seconds or so.

Built Hamel's oscillator (clicky for Steven Dufresne's version) yesterday / today but similarly to what was stated in his book, neodymium magnets tend to be too strong for it. They dampen the oscillations too much. I thought it wouldn't be that much of a problem given the distance between the magnets in my setup.

Analogues

Read a bit about black hole analogues and found that I had already read about the experiments but simply their interpretation could be different. I would not call these black holes but I like the thoughts which such interpretations tend to provoke.

Also, Sandra and Woo is sometimes really nice.

Blood sugar

Regarding the blood sugar, on Thursday morning the cat ignored the biscuits and by the evening he had spilled them across the floor. So I decided to start training the cat's appetite for another type of cat food which he doesn't typically really eat (but should be way more healthy). No more biscuits for a week.

The next day I thought I would avoid eating too much sugar. Well, life has a good sense of humor. By the time I got to the canteen (just 9 min late) and had waited the queue, there was no more soup left. So I had to take a dessert. The dessert (chocolate cake) was so sweet that I did not want anything sweet for the rest of the day.

Short bus trip

A couple of days ago at lunch a girl A came and described Hameroff's and Penrose's quantum consciousness. I was hesitant to discuss such things in the presence of other scientists, and told her that it's a long story and that in my opinion there was no way science could ever hope to get to the bottom of consciousness. Then a former colleague B joined the table and said that science could very easily explain away consciousness, for it was nothing more than a firing of neural synapses (or maybe also religion and philosophy but that was all there was). Well, I don't think anything else would have proven my point as well as this former colleague did. These things can't really be discussed openly yet. And I suspect that if they could be discussed openly, then my presence in this realm would no longer have a meaning.

Was expecting transportation by car, and had planned my route and time so that I would reach friend's place by the time we had agreed. Turned out I still had to take a bus, instead.

Anyway, this girl A and a colleague C of hers also took the bus back to town. As I had guessed, C had a somewhat similar mindset as B did. However, C seemed just a bit more open-minded and there was a bit more time during the bus trip so I tried to sum up some of my experiments and findings.

It was nice, and I did not mind talking about such topics with school children around. There was, however, a guy who sometimes turned around and looked back at me. I suspect that he found the topic of interest. Or maybe he was annoyed by some dude so blatantly blabbing about these things.

Ideas to improve the world

Discussed some business ideas with old friends. One of the friends told me that my business ideas were too down to Earth, and that he would have expected them to be something on the Moon or Mars. To be honest, I don't think that would make sense. Moreover, if I'd want to change the world then by making a business (which would obviously aim for profit) would not be my approach.

Dream: Moon colony

The idea was probably spawned from the discussion of business ideas.

Anyway, people had put up a bunch of domes on the Moon and were building things inside. There was scaffolding all over the place, and people climbing them, moving stuff around and so on. Quite a bit of action, and then some mischievous lad took the nozzle of pressurized air and blew on the regolith. A lot of dust rose up, contaminating the space for a while. I looked at the arc of larger pieces of the dust falling down while the lighter dust remained afloat for longer.

Then some guy came and "showed" me what he thought was even more interesting. Note that in dreams people can share things they visualize in their mind. He showed me a rotation of water causing a whirpool, and then told me to visualize what happened when I applied a counter-rotation to the other side of the whirpool. Instead of water I associated it with electric and magnetic fields, and started to wonder about it.

Some enthusiasm

Thanks to the events on the weekend, I had considerably more enthusiasm for a couple of days. In addition to the heat waves, I started to feel what I used to think was bindu fluid spreading throughout the body. It has been a while. Also enjoyed the clarity of mind. With barely anything troubling me, I also felt a bit more lightweight again.

It was all nice until I stressed out on a work request from one of the clients. A time consuming analysis which in the end would not be very useful. As always, they need it as soon as possible and the results of the analysis need to prove that things have improved.

I used to regard this as anxiety but I don't actually know what it should be called (panic attack, maybe?). Anyway, tension appeared at the heart and stomach as the body pumped itself full of Adrenalin. The frequency of heart beat and breathing increased. Attempts to force through this take quite a bit of willpower. Now this used to be somewhat constant for the past few years. Wasn't all that nice, so I plan to get past this issue for good.

Edit: Hmm.. I wonder if it has anything to do with blood sugar?
Edit: Edit: Ha, read a bit about it and it seems that my guess was not really that far off. So, probably a significant contributor to this stress is my lack of attention to my eating habits while busy with work. Can't live off sugar ;D


I found it interesting though, that it seemed as if the body quickly started healing itself as well. The most tense regions of the body started to vibrate (or spasm at a regular interval) and more heat waves started to rise up the body.

In order to restore the body back to normal, I've been meditating a bit more each evening.

Dream: Restless

Went from place to place, looking for a peaceful corner to get some sleep. I've By now I've forgotten all but the last place which I tried. The last one was on an empty top shelf at a supermarket. Some employee came chatting with another, and pointed at me. He seemed eager to get rid of me for some reason, but I guess he had trouble getting to me all the way up there.

Dream: Breakfast

A supermarket again. Entered, somewhat surprised that the door was not locked. It was all dark but there were some employees there (stuck on their regular working seats, unconscious - asleep). Anyway, I grabbed a stool, sat down in the middle of the floor, took my backpack, unpacked lunch and ate it there. Then took my backpack again and left. I wondered if any alarms would go off, which might have caused me to start hearing an alarm (because of the way dreams work typically).

Diploma

Received the diploma today.

The whole event was awesome and inspiring in a lot of ways. The lectures were good. The chorus songs and orchestra were amazing beyond expectations. I was blown away.

Rector of the university (somehow the father of the only friend I had while I was still in the kindergarten) congratulated me in a really personal and a warm way. Or maybe these were well-crafted lines to resonate with everyone. Regardless, it worked.

I think my monkish behavior showed when I received the diploma and its folder. They were upside down and for some reason I had to turn them upright before I could walk on. Only then did I realize that everyone was waiting for me to already disappear so they could get on with the schedule XD.

At the after-event, I met a PhD in psychology and enjoyed the discussion about EEG experiments. Then met a honorary professor (friend) with whom we got to discuss a lot of the weird. I had previously received hints that he might have similar interests but I had not really had / taken the chance to chat with him on these topics. While it was a refreshing discussion, I was a bit afraid for his reputation because there were people passing by. But then again, times may be changing.

A truly wonderful event with perhaps a couple of minor things to note down.

Cascading spill

An empty water glass tipped over. For some reason, my simulation / intuition told me that my glass would tip over also. I didn't see how that could happen because the water glass fell in the opposite direction (but I did not account for table tilt while people were trying to save it). Regardless, my glass was also about to tip over and I tried to save it. Well, I was clumsy and failed so that the rest of my alcohol-free champagne soaked the table cloth.

Glass shard

Took my second glass of fruits.
Took some fruits from there and for a moment, I thought I saw something which looked a bit strange but it slipped my mind which was busy with other matters.

Encountered the texture of ... glass. Curious about it, I spit it out to see it. Since I had already bit pieces off of it, I made sure to chew them properly before I swallowed anything. Ate the rest of the fruit pieces one by one, checking if any of them had pieces of glass on them. None of them did.

Since the glass itself was in one piece, the only theory I could come up with was that the piece of glass had somehow flown from somewhere else and landed between the fruits.

Pointed it out to a waitress later and her face didn't look particularly happy about it.

Grain of glass

The situation described in the prior section reminded me of another similar experience.

Last week at work I washed my cup and poured in hot water for tea. Then I noticed that on my finger (still wet from the water), there was a small grain of what looked like glass. My first reaction was: sugar? But the sugar should have melted in the warm water. I thought it might've been just a grain of sand but I was freaked regardless. I poured my cup empty, washed it again, poured the water kettle empty, washed that, and heated some more water.

Probably thanks to that event last week, I did not freak nor panic today evening. While I'm pretty sure nothing will happen, eating glass is still not a particularly nice thing to think about.

Eyesore again

Woke at night with a pain in the eye again. Sigh, happens just when I need to suit up, look refreshed and happy for getting my diploma. Luckily eye drops helped this time, so it might have been dehydration or something. I hope it was, for I don't have the time to be ill anymore.

Minor stuff 2

During the past few days I've been seeing power surges (lamps suddenly flicking brighter and then returning to normal). It wasn't just me seeing them, another colleague also stared at the lamps with a disapproving look.

People have been leaving that Discord server left and right, without saying anything. It hurts the ego but improves detachment.

Mind has been becoming a bit more clouded again and tensions within the body have been creeping back. While there has been less tummo, I've at least gotten more actual sleep.

100th anniversary of the national university. Went to see the march. Took photos but due to the lack of light and motion (large ISO and low exposure time), they don't look too good. At the last stop of the march, there was an art installation with animations projected onto the wall of the ruins of the cathedral. It looked awesome.

I had not accounted for the whole event lasting this long and was not dressed accordingly. Shivered a lot, and tried to make the body produce more heat with a breathing exercise. At least it was more-or-less uniformly cold, so I don't think there would be a body part protesting against such abuse.

The sound and animations were so good sometimes that I got shivers and goosebumps which unfortunately was the last thing I was looking for in the cold. Overall, the animations were about the history of the university. It was a pleasant surprise that a project with my contribution was also shown as part of the national history.

Once the show was over, I avoided shops with hot drinks and ran a bit to improve the blood circulation again. Not sure but a hot drink might've caused a thermal gradient across the organs which could've been more harmful?

Triangular contraption

Replaced the sheets and managed to get 7 hours of sleep last night, yay. Shall describe one of the dreams in the subsection below.

Today I've been feeling rather tired. At some moment also felt very uncomfortable at work. Sat through the feeling, some tension was released and a wave of heat raised up the body, starting from the stomach / abdomen.

Mentioned in the comment of the prior post that I met another friend while I took the packages back from the lab at "X". He was trying to get a Chinese motor controller working. A lot of messing with the wiring, and then the motor swayed to one side, then to the other and so on, due to the periodic switching of polarity.

Dream: Competition

There was some kind of a science experiments / electronics gadgets competition and for some reason I was in the committee. There was a stage, chairs for the audience and the auditorium was surrounded in a black cloth.

The first person to demonstrate his work was a former colleague and a friend. From the looks of it, he had built it on a whim, with a single night. I think it had some kind of a triangle and a circular / elliptical electromagnetic coil at one of the corners. Instead of really demonstrating it, he just handed it over and told us to power it.

We did, but it didn't seem to be working. I did notice that some of the stuff on the table started resonating with his device, dissipating the energy which I thought the device was supposed to accumulate. So we cleared the table of irrelevant things.

When I looked back, I think the triangular object had replaced with something which looked like an aeroplane gyroscope with its motor + some driver circuits. Fairly typical of dreams - things morph into something else when you're not locking them with constant attention. When I looked back at the power supply, it had replaced with a rack containing a signal generator and a power amplifier.

After switching it on at the resonant frequency and cranking up the power a little, the device started spinning / oscillating with an increasing frequency. Different nearby objects occasionally got into resonance with the device but these objects were now far enough not to dampen the oscillations of the device itself. I think this device, too (like in almost all similar dreams), started drawing more power from the amplifier than what I had turned via the knob.

I half-expected it to keep going until the device itself, the power amplifier or the signal generator blew their fuse. However, to my surprise the system stabilized just before it reached the limits of the setup and I think it became self-sustaining.

The first experiment and I was already so amazed that I would have given the maximum points.

Minor stuff

.. which I wanted to post so that I would not forget them.

A ceiling lamp at the canteen has given way again. Lighting effects like Akira, Elfen Lied or some horror show. However, I haven't been sitting at that spot very often because it's right next to the door to the patio and it's cold there during the autumn / winter season.

Mystery packages

On Monday, a couple of packages arrived at the institute. No recipient name, just a phone number. The phone number belonged to a friend of mine, so I contacted him. Or rather, it was his old phone number when he used to work at a place X.

He said there's no way he ordered anything, and seemed a bit unsettled about it. And to be honest, it would not make sense for him to ship it to our address (he has never worked there).

I agreed to take the packages to X, if they had somehow indeed managed to order electronic components using an old account and somehow had them shipped to a totally different address. I was pleasantly surprised that my card opened all the doors and I could lay the packages on the table like a ... well .. whatever. There were two girls there who knew nothing about any package orders.

It nagged me, though, that I kind of like remember this friend asking me if it was okay to order something and have it shipped to the institute. But the memory seems blurry as if he asked that in a dream. I remember saying "yeah, sure" but I don't remember what it was or why it would've been good to have it shipped to the institute. Dream logic is often like that .. absurd.

Or maybe my mind is just looking for some kind of a supernatural connection while there is a simple and reasonable explanation. Dunno, and that's why I wanted to log it here for future reference.

Feng-palm

With these realizations occurring, tension loosened and waves of heat engulfed more of the chest. Smaller issues burned and let the fire spread further. However, with the more significant blockages gone (consequence of the realizations), prana could make its way from the tail up to the top of the head.

Last night it took me a while to fall asleep because of the heat and the constant release and burning of old thoughts, thought patterns, emotions. I would fall asleep and then startle awake for hours.

Dream: Dog-Cat

Eventually I did fall asleep but had sleep paralysis. I was in bed, couldn't move .. at first I just laid there. Then at some point the cat came next to my bed, I think. I think it was the cat, because its presence reminded me of the cat. But this creature made the sound of a large old dog panting while staring at me in the bed. Then a cat's paw creeped up to the blanket but I think that was my imagination because the dog did not move nor did its sound change .. and the cat was not really there. I tried to rise and check the dog but only ended up waking my body again.

The same heat, constant release and burning of thoughts. And, of course, the constant sound of "flames roaring up the chimney" (central channel).

Dream: Feng-palm

Managed to fall asleep again. Someone came, pointed at the bed and showed what a mess it was. I wouldn't have cared much because I was tired, but regardless, I looked at it as well. It looked like a pile of garbage. This someone asked if I had even noticed the worms crawling around. I hadn't, and still couldn't see any .. but while cleaning the bed a bit, I found that underneath the matress there were literally old garbage bags still waiting when they'd be thrown out. Well, I guess the Feng Shui of my bed could be improved a notch (Feng Shui failure aka feng-palm?).

Checked the time, it was less than 2 AM (had gone to bed at 11 PM). After that, I failed at each and every dice roll for sleep. Well, I would have probably gotten some sleep if I didn't have to wake so early.

Act

A follow-up of the prior post.

There were some more realizations which came out of the heart chakra, but the two I considered more relevant.

The issue of misfit

In addition to the realization about my being there in that Discord server, I had previously also unraveled another issue which had bothered me for years. The issue of not belonging in this society (of either having been born too early or too late) but being forced to infiltrate it in order to get any closer to the goals in life. While doing so, the whole life becomes like a stage of fake acting while maintaining the patience throughout life that "one day can work on what I've always wanted to work on". The rest of the society loves to feed on that patience and hope. It tries everything it can to redirect the ambitions and convert them into something temporarily useful for itself.

The issue of pioneers

Another side of this is that when something actually does hit close to the ambition, it develops at a superhuman rate. It can easily happen that one realizes they've gone beyond the line of what is considered mankind's limit and that they are truly alone -- nobody has even followed them. It might even be that just a person or two find the way in a few centuries to come.

On one hand, it might seem like a good idea to turn back and rejoin the rest of mankind, it will eventually still make one restless. It's way too dull and it's not what they were born for.

On the other hand, it might seem like a good idea to turn their back on the rest of mankind and simply continue their path. First, it's probably a rather lonely path, but it's also quite easy to lose the way or start going in circles because nobody has really set any landmarks before.

This seemed like a really difficult problem to solve. However, at some point it simply occurred to me that there probably wouldn't be a solution within the next few centuries, if ever. If it does not have a solution, then it's not a problem and I don't have to worry about it at all.

Filling the blanks

I had set myself a goal to overcome the health issue with my lungs and heart, and to get back on the spiritual track by my birthday. I missed the goal and got sick right after my birthday. The prior posts were about the recovery.

Anyway, last Monday I took two cakes to work. Fell sick before I got to the second cake, so it had to wait for a week. Yesterday I just forgot to take the cake back home. Today marked exactly 1 week past its expiry date. I was a bit sad that I had failed to share the cake, but I also didn't want to share a cake that's a whole week past expiry. Regardless, a couple of former colleagues decided to take the risk and take some slices too. I hope it was okay .. well, for me it was but that's a whole different scale. Finished the cake, which was a relief.

Well, actually it would not have been a waste in any case even if it had gone bad. A box of chocolate candy with brandy filling was a perfect demonstration of that. I don't even remember what was the occasion but I remember accepting it even though I knew there would be nobody to eat them, for I don't want to consume things which contain alcohol. Decided to open up the package while I was ill (hey, dizzy anyway so who cares, right .. right?). It was crawling with worms. The worms seemed happy. This made me feel happy, for nature never really lets anything go to waste.

On Sunday evening I thought I would try a new video game or something (have a long list of good games I've never played). Uncle called for minor financial support. Booted Windows, made the transfer. Windows Updates. I particularly enjoyed the progress bar with percentage going up to 70% and from there on to 68%, then to 67%, after which it rebooted back into Linux several times.

The 1 hour which I had considered to use up for gaming, had been used up for the Windows update. Though, it was all nice and dandy because it forced me to work on my goal (had to be healthy for work on Monday) and meditate.

In the meantime, Windows had finished its updates, so I nudged the cat off my lotus pose and resumed the warmup of this squeaky seat behind the keyboard. All hell had broken loose on the Discord server. Sloppily ironed it out more-or-less, and went to bed. Had a difficulty getting my mind off of it. Focusing on my breath did not work all that well, either, because new stuff kept coming to mind. It was stuff seeping out of the heart chakra with which I had had trouble throughout the past few years. Then suddenly it occurred to me why I was on that server in the first place. I had always thought that since leaving would be painful, that would be exactly what I'd have to do. But then others did it using my long-planned method, thwarting all my evil plans. I don't really feel like I belong there, similar to how I don't feel like I belong anywhere, really. So, the server had just been taking up my time and my addiction to it somewhat getting on my nerves. Well, I realized that that's exactly the reason of me being there - it makes it more difficult to concentrate. By practising concentration while letting the server distract it, I might make better progress than without the server.

Alt dreams

Eh, it seems I've forgotten some of the dreams while waiting for the opportunity to utilize my wonderful spheres of vision and fingers of graceful code in order to convert the memories into records.

On Saturday had a chat with Dad and he referenced some rumors regarding Mt. Kailash. I looked up some pictures of it and found that it's a common destination for pilgrimages.

Dream: Waterside mountain

In one of the dreams I climbed some kind of a mountain which was just next to a large water body. It was early morning and the weather was nice and calm. Eventually made it to a plateau with some welcoming tablets with information for people on a pilgrimage. Contrary to my expectations, the plateau was packed with people, so I poofed.

Dream: ...

Have forgotten what this dream was about, but it took place at the summerhouse. A happy family kind of a dream. What I do remember is that I realized I could float around without effort again. A typical milestone in these kinds of dreams is the ability to open doors without "stepping off the nimbus" at the doorsteps.

Dream / OBE: That awkward wave

I was walking towards home from some odd direction (I thought I was coming from school or something). It was early morning, around the time of sunrise (no idea about the season). The sky was clear, the air was still and it was nice and quiet. Everything about the environment was very vivid. I heard the sound of wet asphalt under my boots, I felt the slightly cool air on my skin. I think I was wearing brown coat and had a brown shoulder bag.

Everything seemed real as far as I could tell, except for the fact that I felt completely at peace.

I was about to cross a road between two apartment blocks when I noticed a car approaching from my left. I considered waiting for the car to pass (my usual behavior) but on a whim decided to float into the air and let the car pass by from underneath.

I think it was a dark red car with nothing particular about it. There was a lady in her 50s or 60s driving it with no other life forms in the car. She had the driver side window down to vent the smoke from her cigarette. Right after I had floated over her car, she stopped the car diagonally across the road and let out a whistle of surprise.

I tried to wave to her but the roof of the car blocked the view. It was a kind of wave with the hand below my feet, attempting to reach low enough that she might see it from one of the passenger windows but I didn't think it worked.

Descended for a moment without touching the ground and took up both speed and altitude in the general direction of my home (or so I thought). While at it, I could hear her footsteps following me at a distance. While flying up at greater speed, I think the realism of the experience faltered. I wanted to experience the cool breeze a bit more, so my coat vanished and I continued flying with just a t-shirt flapping around in the wind.

Woke up a bit disoriented. It was about 3 AM, dark, cloudy and wet outside. Took a small amount of TheraFlu.

Alt pastimes

Yay, another flu, apparently. Yesterday could not keep the eyes peeled for more than a minute at a time. Today it doesn't seem to be too much of a problem anymore, but I detect a barely noticeable headache and a fever.

Anyway, a difference which I noticed this time regarding the eye pain. The rear side of the eye hurt instead of the front. The last time I had this issue I had not tried to heal the rear side because that did not hurt.

Since Monday I've minimized the off-work time I spend at the computer screen. But since there are very few things which can be done without a computer screen nowadays, I spent the time sitting, meditating or sleeping.

As has often been the case for me, meditation comes with side-effects. Some of the bodily tensions were released with jolts of pain running through the body. I found it interesting that some of the outbursts of pain followed the model of a regular dampened oscillator. A form of prana flow reached the head and it made the body feel even more at ease.

Sometimes when I closed my eyes, I saw a white vertical column with what looked like heatwaves coming off from its sides. Another image which occurred to me was of an object at room temperature but with a shield of red flames surrounding it on one side. The flames kept a distance from the object, mimicking its shape.

Another side-effect of the meditation was flashbacks of memories and feelings from early childhood, which re-instilled some enthusiasm.

Yet another side-effect was a difference in dreams.

Monthly humiliation

I would not have thought I was that weak. Earned a monthly dose of humiliation today.

On Monday morning, I had to wake up 3 times to battle pain in the eye. My condolences to all the pincushions out there, I feel you. Had some trouble keeping the eyes open while waiting for the bus but the rest of the day was bearable. So, I spent the free hours of Monday evening meditating and sleeping instead of staring at the computer screen.

Slept nicely today morning and felt better. Went to work and all hell broke loose. Installed some eye drops and endured until the lunch.

Then suddenly I was pouring a lake on the canteen desk and could no longer keep my eyes open. Kept blowing my nose, too, for it's rude and disgusting. It was a real challenge to eat the salad, but even more of a challenge to eat the dessert while listening to a former colleague describing issues from one of the spacecraft for which he's providing services.

After what seemed like forever, I had to somehow force through it to maneuver through the canteen desks full of people, carrying the dishes. I was lucky - did not have to close my eyes nor did I let anything fall.

While trying hard to make my way up to the office on the far end of the 2nd floor, I met other people who greeted me .. I tried to greet them back. One of them was even there with kids who then had to witness a pitiful 31 year old wuss with a grimace of pain stumbling along the corridor while holding to the rails, crying. Actually just uncontrolled watering of the eyes but who cares, looks just like crying anyway.

Anyway, made it to the office. Took the droplets and stumbled into a luckily unoccupied meeting room with a sofa. Some more drops on the eyes and took a short nap.

Went back to work, wondering whether I should head home immediately or wait for other colleagues to take me to the town. Opted for the latter, due to which I had to role-play a pum with a hangover (covering my eyes with a hand from all the lights) in the bus ... again that same crappy geezer crying in front of kids. A "perfect" idol / ideal for the future society.

That's enough of humiliation for the day, thank you karma.

Library

On Monday and Tuesday evenings I found that I could tap into the familiar bliss while walking again. The mind was so tired that while not utilized for work, it had the tendency to relax and fall blank.

On Tuesday I realized that I'd need to rework a significant part of the code at work due to some changes in the requirements again.

Used this as a concentration practice to boost productivity. Have been using most of my free time to work on the code (and the 3 other urgent tasks in parallel). Anyway, this has gotten me a bit tired. Past weekend I also failed to fully compensate for the past week's worth of sleep deprivation. Expected and unexpected guests.

This, probably together with some lingering post-impressions from Disco Elysium yielded some interesting dreams last night.

Dream: Heavy clouds

I was in some kind of a building I haven't been to before. There was an old lady there (reminded me of my grandma but also didn't). The building had large windows. Through one of the windows one could see the town with a tall wooden church in the middle.

We looked out through the window and saw heavy clouds approaching. I said that I loved these kinds of clouds (they feel powerful). Just as I had said that, the shape of the clouds changed. One of the clouds developed a couple of small tails which did not develop into tornadoes.

Regardless, the church blew apart, followed by several other buildings in the town center. I was surprised and failed to find what could've caused the havoc.

Due to the multi-temporal overlay which seems to be rather usual in dreams, I also saw the new church which would be erected on the same spot years later. The new church was almost the same height but disturbingly green, due to which I liked the old one better. The old one was dark brown, btw.

Dream: Library

Had a chat with an old friend yesterday evening (IRL).

In the dream I happened to pass through a small library. This friend was there, studying something and his former supervisor was sitting across the table ... probably supervising him.

I noticed that I had passed through the library earlier that day, and had left a bunch of electronics-related books on the table. Waved at the friend and his supervisor (who is also a friend), then quickly glanced at the books which I had left open. Realized something interesting.

It occurred to me that by continuing my research on all sorts of anomalies (ghosts, geisting, psychokinesis, etc.), I might just be able to find patterns which are important for ZPE and anti-gravity. While not really evident at first, there's probably a common link - fine-grain geometrical structure of the universe which everything else might be built upon.

Heat

For the past few weeks I've been releasing the tension in the chest and visualizing hugging it with love.

As a side-effect, I've noticed occasional releases of pain from the body.

Most of my body used to be at ambient temperature for most of the time. Yesterday evening I noticed that a significant amount of heat was emitted from the chest.

As another side-effect, I've noticed that stress is relieved more easily and the mind occasionally becomes clear of thoughts on its own again.

Small hut by the sea

Having finished the Lain game, I had exhausted my old avatar. Suddenly I realized that I had no idol / ideal anymore. On one hand, it's a liberating experience but on another hand it means that I need to define everything myself and would probably end up becoming a role model myself. Started to feel happy, almost as if I had just been reborn once again.

Due to some kind of synchronicity (and DarkChakra's intuition), found another Estonian who had joined that Discord server.

During the weekend I also read quite a bit about anti-gravity and alternative propulsion topics again.

Orchestra

I had backed an orchestra and visited one of their concerts yesterday evening. Actually might have missed the concert if there hadn't been another guy who made the same mistake (the theatre had moved to another building). He told me where the concert was probably taking place and offered me free transport.

The theme of the concert was high voltage, which I found to be somewhat related to the research which I had just performed beforehand. I enjoy the orchestra because of how lively they are. A significant part of their performances is the interactive show. Dad also plays there, so earned perhaps 15 min of chatting time with him =).

Sometimes I've noticed the tendency of music artists to neglect the director. While wondering about it, I realized how useful such a system would be in solving engineering problems with very high spin rates or very high frequencies. 

Dream: Small hut by the sea

Me and some other person were using a boat to coast along the beach somewhere in a foreign realm. The whole place had the somewhat familiar eerie feeling about it, due to which we tried to remain careful.

We reached a small hut above the water, maybe 100 m away from the beach. I wanted to move closer to the hut and look inside. The other person notified me of the danger but I was curious and it did not really feel all that dangerous.

The hut looked empty (just some old planks and dust), and at first it felt empty, too. But it was actually not empty. There was an entity still guarding the waters from the hut.

I could not see her but I could sense her presence and converse with her. She explained that she and her kid lived there and asked my why I had come there. I expressed respect and curiosity, and asked her if throughout all her years there she has seen anything out of the ordinary.

She told me about an abnormally violent storm and high waves. I think also a whirpool of some sort was involved. As she described it, I witnessed it and felt the power.

I think we thanked her, and landed on the beach. As I woke up, the feeling of this power remained and I can still feel it a bit while writing this down ~18 hours later.

End of Lain game

Finished the lain game (or rather, the somewhat unconventional visual novel). I think this finally filled in the gaps. Lain does not seem all that mysterious anymore. A lot of respect to the writers, artists and translators.

Bain

An interesting podcast from Bob Bain, again.

While the terminology seems a bit strange, a lot of what Von Braschler says, also matches my experience.

Phone call

Paid a visit to the conveniences (convenient because it's at home, and it's for free, too!). While there's nothing remarkable about that, I got a phone call while in there. I thought it can probably wait until I wash my hands. The call stopped after just a few seconds (not common among my acquaintances). Checked the number after I had washed my hands. Unknown number but from the same country, at least. Tried to call back ... "the dialed number is not in use". Hmm..

Sloppy sleeping schedule

Quite a few things have occurred in the meantime, whereas I have been too lazy to post them. Recently I've been feeling somewhat tired as well. Recently I've found it more difficult to speak again. Thoughts are not 1:1 translatable into words.

Dexter's lab

When I was smaller, there used to be a cartoon about a small kid having a hi-tech lab under his house.

Visited a place where I could rent cheap lab-space underground. Realized the difference between industrial, commercial and residential spaces. While I'm pretty sure I can't experiment with high voltage, high currents and strong magnetic fields well enough in the apartment, I do not have the funds, time nor means of transport to actually set up a lab at the edge of the town.

Geisting

Yesterday it was somewhat stormy. The lights flickered at work. Some of the flickers felt synchronized to the activity of my mind. Later while walking to the bus stop, I noticed the same with the wind outside.

Today I occasionally felt synchronized to a colleague's network connection, with his Skype call becoming more glitchy when my mind returned to idle.

This might be due to my celibacy or detachment practices. There was also a successful attempt at tantra which might have changed the density of the field.

Intuition / precog

Yesterday the image of a neighbor appeared in my mind, with the thought that we'll meet today. While on my way home, I stopped at a fast food place to take some chicken snacks. This neighbor stopped right next to me without noticing me at first. Anyway, I had not seen him for months and he said that he had moved to another town (he did not want to reveal which one, though).

During just the past couple of days it has happened several times that I've said or suggested something which has only later turned out to have been the optimal path towards a goal. Since it's impossible to justify it (other than just "I don't like that option"), I first let people decide on their own and try to support their choice the best I can.

Channel of wisdom

Got seriously fascinated by Disco Elysium (video game by a local studio I once considered applying for). Have been playing it a lot throughout the past few days.

Anyway, on Monday night, I noticed that I had found a specific sensation in my mind. The sensation was accompanied by the imagery of exceptional high technology and spiritualism deep in some green woods. Took this as a target for some concentration practice. I suspect that my mind was not pure enough such that I was turned back from that place. But regardless, it was an interesting practice.

Following the concentration practice, I had quite vivid dreams.
 

Dreams

One of them featured a pretty girl enjoying my presence. Thanks to my celibacy practice, this was not an issue.

Met grandpa afterwards. I think this was the first time he talked to me in a dream. Just a few casual sentences.

Dry air

I suspect that the air at home is too dry and that is causing issues (eyes and mouth drying up, sweating during the night, etc.).

Yesterday pretty much everything I said, ended up wrong. The repetitive ego slaps inspired me to practice detachment again.

At work, I noticed one of the lights flickering occasionally. Sigh, I do hope I won't blow the lights again.

Rowing in the dark

Analyzed my thoughts and impulsive behavior last night. I like to think that I got some sleep too.

Figured that there probably is no shortcut, and the answer to depression would still remain to be social interaction. The problem is that right now I don't have the time for being a full-time psychologist for depressed people.

While on my way back home, I watched The Girl on the Train (NSFW), which seemed to hint that I should mind my own problems and stay away from those of others. Healthier for both me and others.

Considered leaving the Discord server again but I'm not sure how it would affect the people there. Will try to focus a bit more on hobbies.

Rather symbolic dream

It was pitch black darkness and 3 people were on a small boat, headed towards the middle of a lake. Two guys and a girl, I think. All of them were somewhat afraid of the dark. The girl was at the stern, using oars to row the boat slowly and quietly.

One of the guys had one spot on the lake where he had to do something (measure something, remove fishnets or whatever) and the other guy had another spot where he had to do the same. After reaching the farthest spot, the boat started rowing back towards the shore, and stopped at the other spot.

There was something which had been bothering one of the guys but he kept quiet until both of them had finished with their work and they were close enough to the shore. It might have been dangerous or something to make too much noise while on the lake, don't know. Anyway, the guy spit out his problem and they both got into an argument.

It was all fine until they suddenly stopped arguing. It was then that the girl freaked out and the dream ended.

Wind

A Latvian acquaintance on Facebook shared a gif of wind blowing away a bar umbrella with weights and a person. Shared it on the Discord server. Uhm, he's actually shared another one.

https://giphy.com/gifs/mars-sbj-Pk3J7R114dL9GJ9UEC
https://giphy.com/gifs/combined-gifs-9MJ5ozdayMWT7QuA19


Then it occurred to me that it was synchronicity, for I almost ended up being blown away by the side-winds on the ship deck. The wind raised suddenly, and I wouldn't have thought it would become this strong. With my backpack full of stuff, the wind was pushing me around the deck as if I weighed nothing. While the wind was towards the center of the ship, the walls reflected the wind which caused turbulence such that the wind pushed me in different directions depending on where I was at. Sometimes towards the railing, sometimes in parallel to it. Kneeled down to reduce my surface area, and crawled for cover while keeping a grip of the railing. Regardless, even while kneeling, I slid around in places.

Must have been either a facepalm or amusing watch from the crew. Anyway, made it back to safety and checked the weather report. The maximum side-wind should have been 12.5 m / s, only for a very short period of time. Don't know but it felt like a lot more.

Walk

Enjoyed a walk from the campus to the ship terminal, which was probably about 7 km. Later enjoyed a walk from the other terminal back home, which was probably about 2 km.

Healing vibration

Ever since I started dealing with that wax cube (clicky, clicky), I have been feeling a buzzing on top of the heart. Previously I have noticed a connection between such buzzing and the body healing itself. In terms of frequency, it's rather similar to a cat purring.

Impulsive behaviour

Had tried a new method to keep people off suicide. I gave them homework - to write an analysis to prove that suicide would solve their problems (with emphasis on bringing out the assumptions also). It didn't seem to have worked, but it might also be that I simply wasn't patient enough (waited for the analysis for about 2 days).

Anyway, bashed into the feels, spoiling the homework by revealing the reason for it, as well as some of the aspects which I would have expected for them to account for in the analysis.

Realized why the homework method wouldn't really work, either. I guess they hate the thought of suicide, but in all self-hatred, they might eventually do it anyway. And if they did, they would be completely unprepared. Mid-way through, they would realize their mistake but it would be already too late. This homework, however, would force them to think about and analyze something which they hate. They would simply postpone it forever instead of thinking about it even briefly.

Since I know I cannot help another person directly, this was my attempt at delegating the job to themselves without them knowing it at first. While self-analysis has helped me a lot, it is something which normal people would try to avoid at any cost (including suicide).

Thought

Forgot to mention in my previous post that yesterday I arrived early and waited for the AirBnb host. At some moment, I thought it would be neat if she called me. Just when I produced that thought, I got an SMS from her.

Just a post

with some random stuff before I forget them. Just for the record, the post is from Finland.

Speedwalking

I think it was at the end of last week that I thought I was too late for the bus to work which I have usually taken (departs at 7:50). I think I started at around 7:34 but I decided to take a walk anyway because the next bus (departing at 8:20) would also be fine (just wouldn't leave a margin). Considering that I have managed to cover the distance in about 25 - 35 min, there was plenty of time for the 8:20 bus. Due to this, I did not hurry. Once I reached the bus station, I still saw the 7:50 bus. Checked the time, it was 7:50. Then some guy went past me, running for the bus. If he hadn't, then I wouldn't have chosen to bother the bus driver because of me being late. Anyway, got on the bus and then started to wonder how it was possible that I had suddenly made my record (16 min) without even trying. My previous record was 21 min and then I was walking as fast as I could. Throughout the walk I was in my thoughts and didn't notice anything out of the ordinary.

Lightstepping

On Wednesday night, I had trouble sleeping again. Woke up during the night to wash the blanket with tears and apply eye drops. I really enjoyed the days when I didn't have to do that. Might be that the air is too dry.

Anyway, drank some water and went back to bed. Had an LD or OBE where I was walking past some houses with all sorts of fences. I figured I was lightweight enough to walk on top of the fence. Jumped there, and practiced lightstepping to avoid any damage the fence. It was a lovely morning and the weather was nice and sunny. In the yard of one of the houses, there were people chatting .. though, I was probably unnoticeable / invisible enough.

Sometimes there were low-hanging tree branches on top of the fence, so I shrunk myself to fit underneath.

Reached a place with some trees, flew up and touched the branches and leaves. It was awesome, I could feel them roughly the same way as I did with the physical body. Simply the dimensions of my arm / hand were now arbitrary and defined by visualization.

Not sure whether this was an OBE because I did not have 360 deg vision (it was closer to how I see with the body) but then again, I never really tried to have wider FoV. While I did have a form, it was not very underdefined and I couldn't see myself. The environment was very vivid and detailed.

Another suicidal on Discord

Instead of actively trying to "help" (in other words, "make things worse"), I sometimes simply visualized sitting next to him. No words, no intent, just sitting. The visualization was not very concentrated but I hope it helped at least a little.

At some point I could no longer feel his presence, but it reappeared again in the evening. Since then I've had the feeling that I cannot do any more.

While thinking about it, my aunt called. She's obviously a bit depressed due to the lack of social interaction. She needs to chat all the time but since moving to a different farm, she has been rather lonely. Anyway, discussed the psychology of depression with her, too.

Akira manga

I owe it to Mr. Hoodie again, for he reminded me that I hadn't read Akira manga yet. It's simply Awesome.

I guess I'm getting better, for I felt alive and happy again and inspired to do things while reading the manga yesterday. It also re-sparked an interest in psychokinesis. There are still plenty of phenomena which I did not have the time to explore last time =). There's still levitation, teleportation, phasing, manipulating space-time, creating matter, etc.

Had the familiar symbolism of gas flame in the dreams. On reflex my rational mind tells me to extinguish the fire. While useful in the waking state, it is somewhat unfortunate while dreaming.

Enclosed space

After visualizing unconditional love and warmth around the heart chakra, got sick again. Soaked the sheets with a lot of sweat and had to make tea a few times during the night. This seems to indicate that there is indeed truth to "pain is just weakness leaving the body".

Anyway, went to work in the morning. Was a bit tired and slept while at work. While waiting in the queue at the canteen, I realized something.

Psychology of meeting oneself

Yesterday evening a colleague "asked" an interesting question. Or rather, he wondered if any psychologists had analyzed what would happen if a person met themselves on the street.

I thought that probably I would not get into a fight, but it would be a nasty experience. I then had to justify my opinion.

When two people work together / or just spend time together, they have to attenuate some of the personality traits. Only then would they be able to work together and complement each other. Now if the two people go separate ways, one would start to compensate for the lack of the other. This boosts personal development by enhancing personality traits which were otherwise lacking.

However, if I were to meet myself, then both me's would have the same traits. In order to spend time together or to work on a project together, both of us would need to suppress a lot of our traits and in the end neither of us would learn anything new.

Thought monologue of philosophy at the canteen

Let's take a person from the previously mentioned Discord server of depressed people. Chances are very high that the person would be suffering from depression, lack of self-esteem and hatred / hostility against themselves. Some try to compensate for the lack of self-esteem with arrogance, some look for relationships in the hopes that these would somehow magically save them.

As Gruber and EX3US from the same Discord server independently pointed out, it's isolation which causes depression. It could be a narrow field of interest such as Anime & Manga or psychokinesis, as Gruber pointed out. EX3US even emphasized that at least to some extent, the isolation is a conscious decision. People choose not to participate in social events which do not seem interesting enough. Soon after, they may notice that they are having less and less friends, and so on.

Let's now take mankind as a whole. Mankind has hatred, hostility against itself (all the wars and the "brilliant" ideas to cut down on population). Mankind is arrogant (only life-form in the universe), which might be an indication of low self-esteem (so insignificant in the vast cosmos). Maybe mankind also suffers from depression (we are a lost cause ruining our own planet and the space around it for selfish reasons)?

Hereby I assume that people compensate for what they have lost. If we take a person and isolate them from the society, perhaps we can obtain a good guesstimate at what mankind as a whole is like?

I found this to be mind-blowing. But then I started to wonder if this had any connection to the "microcosm" thingie, which I've heard about a lot but it has never really made much sense. If the universe is holographic (take a small piece and it reflects the whole thing), then what would we get if we separated a small piece of space-time?

If the underlying structure of the universe were the fabric of consciousness, then the same logic should apply to both people as well as the universe? Would the separated / enclosed piece of space-time evolve to become an independent universe? Are particles like bubbles of foam in space-time?

What is it that could be used to separate space-time? Would it be something akin to the dark veil? Is the golden fog merely dense consciousness, and the dark fog a thin consciousness? If so, then it should also be possible to have enclosed realms which could be completely cloaked?

A lot of interesting thoughts and follow-up questions. Would be interesting to test the hypothesis that by enclosing a piece of space-time, it would become a universe in itself.

Autumn hike

was awesome, too.

Similarly to friend's wedding, weather was nice. Although, the weather predictions had not been all that promising.

Enjoyed the connection with the nature.

There was a clear sky for a moment last night. Figured that since my previous list of wishes had come true, I should use the chance for a new wish. About a second after I had done so, there was a shooting star.

Friend's wedding

Had planned to prepare everything and get a good sleep before the event, but in this I failed. For some reason, I became nervous about the event. To some degree, it felt as if I were preparing for my own wedding. An awesome event.

When I arrived at the point of rendezvous, I started looking for familiar faces but couldn't see any. At some point, a couple waved at me. I waved back and walked to them. They were friends of the friend. Even though we have never really been close, somehow throughout the wedding it was as if we were close friends. They offered me a seat in their car. At the banquet I had already picked my seat when they asked me to sit next to them. As it turned out, my seat was still the one which I had picked, with the new friends to my right.

There was a girl, whom I found attractive for some reason. I was sure she was too young and not my type anyway .. thick make-up, shy / depressed, and seemingly from a Russian family. She never looked at me, and I was relieved thanks to that. I had already taken my seat when the family took seats just across the table. Unfortunately, the girl occupied my view in such a way that I could not see what was going on in the middle of the room without looking straight at her. She was somewhat clumsy and dropped a fork or knife. Later when I had changed my seat and was chatting with another guy, either the girl or her brother (who sat next to her) accidentally tipped a vase on my table.

At the wedding, there were quiz and feedback cards. The girl's mother looked rather suspicious of me. However, her attitude changed when she saw me sketch something on the feedback card. The way she changed, seemed rather strange to me.

In general, I tried to avoid dancing, using the excuse that I didn't know how to dance. Anyway, that girl also didn't dance (nor did she participate in any social activities). Then at some point, my friend's mother told me that there was a girl who wanted to dance but I was the only one still free. So I tried to ask her to dance but before I managed to, her mother and brother took her to dance. So I danced alone.

My discussions with the guy I mentioned beforehand, took me outside the party noise and I did not really see the girl anymore. In the end, I was left puzzled. Was all this just to get me out of my comfort zone and ask random girls out for a dance? If so, then wouldn't there have been a less obscure way of achieving the same result?

Sidenote

I observed the way others danced, and came to the conclusion that very few of the participants actually knew how to dance. It just did not matter. I also found that while the band did not seem to be anything special, their rhythm was so good that I found it challenging not to dance. Which provided all the more reason for me not to dance. Taming the urges of the body with the mind.

Conclusion

Hmm .. Perhaps this was to point out that my idol / ideal is no longer compatible due to my decision to find a girlfriend and have a family. Now that I think about it, by the current design, my idol / ideal would never have settled down with a family.

Revisiting the wax cube

The last week ended with a few days of pain, with my left eye burning and pouring tears. As it turned out, it was just a flu, which entered through the weakest point in the body and took down the immune system.

I guess the body couldn't take the bottled pain, sadness and tears anymore. So, I decided to start unraveling the wax cube (clicky) by focusing on painful regions in the body. Some of them released jolts of sharp pain and a wave of cold shivers.

While the eyes were not functioning too well, I practised seeing with closed eyelids again.

Yesterday I happened to take a bus at the time when the school day ended and a lot of schoolkids entered the bus. A short girl joked about hanging herself on one of the handles for standing passengers. I conjured an evil smirk without moving a muscle on my face. I still looked straight ahead with a dead serious face. This contrast between the evil smirk and serious face caught her attention and she started checking my face whenever she thought she was about to say anything bad. Don't joke about death, kids.

Heavy sweat

I removed my previous post, for it might hurt the target of my healing attempt if they ever stumbled upon the post.

On Saturday, in a sauna, I visualized my body releasing heavy metals through sweating. The visualization was broken by a droplet of sweat making a loud smack sound as it reached the floor.

At the bus station today morning, I attempted to throw chewing gum into a garbage bin. It got stuck to my hand for a moment, and then dropped as I was retracting my arm. For a moment, I was afraid it would fall out or get stuck to the edge - I did not want to litter. It fell on the edge of the bin, stuck to a cigarette (the only one on the edge) and bounced into the bin together with it.

Grid of light

is not a grid of light, judging by today morning.

Due to a problem with the eyes (had maybe rubbed them too much because of which they started to burn), I had slept on my back until morning. When I opened my eyes in the morning, I saw a glowing overlay of wood pattern. This pattern had no relation to the room background. I could only see the glowing overlay with my eyes open. It faded in a short while. I conclude that it was not due to pressure on the eyes which was my previous theory.

While I have no idea what causes me to sometimes see different patterns of light.

Psychoanalysis

I've been spending a lot of time on that anime-related Discord server. Thanks to the server I've learned a bit more about psychology and social interaction. There are an alarming number of young people with serious depression and anxiety on that server. There are also a few surprisingly intelligent members with whom I've enjoyed discussion on the spiritual and metaphysical matters.

Started reading "Fear of Freedom" by Erich Fromm while commuting to work and back. Encountered a few synchronicities with the chats on the Discord server.

Something was out of the ordinary on Wednesday, starting from 2-3 PM. Felt a bit of unconditional love towards myself. I wondered if the mysterious girl from the bus stop had returned to Estonia.

Watched Dororo. The anime described the era of the Samurai and a bit of the witchcraft involved. "Remembered" things which I have not experienced in this lifetime.

Enjoyed lunch outdoors on a cloudy day. Colleagues were chatting about school buildings which were still under renovation, due to which some classes would probably take place outdoors. "Remembered" what school would be like in 2120 or so. I'm glad I didn't try to describe it. Would have earned a bunch of strange looks.

In the meantime I've had some interesting dreams, most of which I've already forgotten by now.

Dream: Not my baggage

A group of us were going somewhere with a bus. The bus stopped for a moment. I stepped out with some others. Soon after, people boarded the bus again but they left some of their baggage behind the door. I went to pick it up for them but the bus took off, leaving me behind.

So I just stood there with the baggage, waiting for any good ideas on what to do in such a situation. I thought I could just as well wait for the bus, knowing it would not return. A black man approached and shouted to me that it's not my baggage. While I knew it wasn't mine, I felt the responsibility to handle the baggage because there was nobody else around who would have done that.

Dream: Flying

A rather vivid dream of flying over a landscape and some buildings in a beautiful sunshine. I could fly high and fast enough for it to be enjoyable.

Dream: Grandpa

I was at the summerhouse but it looked and felt different from what it used to. For one, there were tank tracks just behind our stone fence. Grandpa told me that he would leave for a walk. I worked on something indoors. Eventually grandpa returned and described what he had seen. He described some kind of radars not too far from the place, and relayed their bands. While I had not seen grandpa in dreams for a while (and in prior dreams he never really talked), I did not really find radars to be interesting nor relevant enough.

PhD

Haven't posted for a while.

Successfully defended my PhD yesterday morning.

It took me some effort to resolve the anxiety but it was totally worth it. Somewhat relieved, I feel happier and some former bodily issues seem to be healing as well.

I've gradually started to realize how my old path was tilted without me realizing it. While I did strive for perfection, it was an imperfect perfection as it was only limited to some aspects of life.

Pain ~ weakness leaving the body

There's a nice Discord server which also kind of feels like a family. Though, more for weebs. On one hand, the server has been taking up quite a lot of free time. On another hand, it has been fun and have also been able to discuss spiritualism, pk and philosophy there. The original owner of the server has serious issues with depression, have been visualizing rays of sunlight reaching her through her darkness.

On another note, had been feeling tired and sleepy recently. A couple of nights ago I focused on some regions in the body which then released a lot of pain. The pain washed over the body and I guess some of it got stuck in the head. Had a headache the next day. Next night I also focused on some regions in the body instead of sleeping much. Concentration practice makes for very vivid dreams.

Regardless of lacking a bit of sleep, I felt pretty good today. Need to continue with the nightly concentration practices. Also, I think I should pay a bit more attention to style.

A friend recommended Paul Coelho's "The Alchemist" which I started reading today. Regardless of how little of it I've read thus far, it's quite awesome.

But a few things to post

Each true vacation starts with the traditional stomach flu. Regardless of the fact that I had not been ill for several years again, I also got to enjoy the flu thanks to relaxing the body of all the stress of city life. The cleansing process is not yet concluded, though. Need to concentrate on each chakra and free the remnant blockages one by one. Started with it today morning and nerve pain shoot through various parts of the body, but most commonly through the stomach, lungs or heart.

Re-realized that psi is supposed to be ever-flowing, never really trapped anywhere. However, our minds have been trained to try and catch everything in a jar and use it from there. Psi does not work like that.

Powerful evening

3d since the resize dream, I decided to stand outside at around midnight because the darkness felt powerful. I found it interesting that although the grass was wet, the ground was really warm. The air was also warm, just humid. Figured I wouldn't be able to resize myself physically so I simply enlarged the field of consciousness. This I've done countless times before and I know it works well. Felt the house, and the trees of various dimensions. Managed to distinguish the different personalities of the trees and paid attention to any ideas which I might be getting.

I was fascinated how each day and night could be so alike and yet so very different. The emotions are very different.

It occurred to me that always comparing the size of things is a mental construct formed by the society. A large tree is not in any way superior to a small tree. Each of them has their own spot and serves their own purpose.

There were also several other realizations or re-realizations which I don't recall now.

Old dog

"Scolded" a geezer dog via empathy. The dog became way more quiet since then, and perhaps a bit too depressed imho. I guess this proves once again that old dogs can also be trained just that different methods are needed.

Driving in reverse with a trailer

We decided to cut, chop and move firewood. Took a pickup truck with a trailer and had to maneuver between other cars and objects while driving in reverse. I had not driven with a trailer before but it wasn't that bad. I was, however, greatly concerned by the fact that I could not see the trailer for most of the time. It did not show up on any of the mirrors nor while looking out of the window nor while looking over the rear of the pickup. Unless it was at an angle large enough, I could not see it. I thank luck, intuition and cousin for occasionally showing me hand signs at some tough corners.

Truck drivers have earned a lot of respect for being able to maneuver that well while practically being able to see nothing.

Dream: Museum

A small multi-floor museum. At the top floors they had some kind of buoys for teleporting to various places around the world in order to see the world wonders and such. Grabbed to a buoy for some place in Switzerland. Nothing happened. I let go and teleported to the first floor of the museum. Apparently it wasn't working yet. However, I found the concept most interesting - the museum itself is but a hub of links to all the objects that it's a museum of.

Collective Dream

On Wednesday, while on the bus to the island, I stumbled upon a reddit post which might provide some evidence for the collective dream theory:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Glitch_in_the_Matrix/comments/cb4o99/my_friend_doesnt_exist_anymore_and_his_mom_isnt_a/

This is fairly similar to Serial Experiments Lain episode 13 and Puella Magi Madoka Magica episode 12. This is also similar to a few of my dreams.

In short, a band member disappeared, vanished from group photos and his mom became single. However, what makes this story special is the fact that most of the other band members still remember him and one of them has photo(s) of the guy who disappeared. The OP then set out to prove to others that the band member did in fact exist, hoping to make him re-appear with enough people remembering him.

The fact that a person can both exist as well as not exist, depending on people's expectations or beliefs, seems to favor the collective dream theory. According to the theory, this reality is just a collective dream and there are a lot of life forms constantly shaping it. Everything which is not "lit by conscious attention", is undefined and lacks form.

Dream: Resize

Some kind of a master came and taught me to shrink or enlarge myself or a part of my body. Since I haven't been practising psychokinesis much recently, it took me a while to grasp it. Eventually managed to stretch up to some tree branches. Only the legs were stretched, whereas the rest of the body remained the same. The master said that I would need this in about 3 days.

Sidestep

The recent intentional celibacy fails sparked a few realizations.

Realization 1

One of the realizations was about how my viewpoint of life has been flawed. I had decided to test out this viewpoint since the military service. Alternatively, it could be that it wasn't really a flaw in the viewpoint but just me growing out of it. At military service, everyone else around me was crazy about girls (only good looks were of importance) and they did not really value any of the hidden qualities nor did they value their own self-control.

I decided to reconsider my own values, relax self-control and focus more on girls, too. The more I did, the more I realized how difficult it is to find anyone who would understand me well enough, or would at least value similar traits. Then the dreams related to grandpa started, which raised some urgency in the matter. I realized how different my worldview was from what it ought to be in order to raise a family, so I worked on adapting that.

At some point I considered my worldview compatible enough with raising a family. One day I gave up on actively looking for a girlfriend. It was then that I saw a girl who seemed to be the one. Based on the way she walked and stood, it seemed that she valued similar traits and could potentially understand me. I was very surprised to see that a girl like that actually exists. Haven't seen her since. Anyway, something in me seems to have changed.

About self-control, just recently re-realized that in order to improve, I ought to do things the way they're hard to do. Probably this occurred to me thanks to actually getting a vacation after several years of constant full-time work and full-time studying. While this was somewhat obvious and very well described in Castaneda's books, I don't think it fully clicked back then. Or maybe it did but the worldview which I adapted from military service just wasn't compatible .. not sure but it's also kind of irrelevant. This should also be the key to the puzzle which has .. well .. puzzled me for years: "how to avoid losing the will to improve after reaching one's goals?" If the goal is to seek difficulties to resolve them, then it will be impossible to reach the goals and that would be perfect.

Realization 2

The other realization was about how mind constructs function. I've noticed foreign emotions and thoughts during and following celibacy fails. It's not only "you reap what you sow," but it seems it's mixed with what others have sown. Mind constructs are more powerful and more dangerous than I would have thought. It seems it's quite easy to become obsessed about such a construct, become addicted to it and eventually become possessed by it (or by whatever has been sown right next to it). Again very much like the monsters in Fullmetal Alchemist.