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The goal of this blog is to motivate myself and others for further practice as well as provide details that might explain what's going on..


Tuesday, April 30, 2019

That low

Interesting.
For some reason felt quite tired after work today.
Then suddenly felt alone. A Discord friend asked a question, I went off tangent on something random (started blabbing about the past from the years at primary school). They pointed it out and I noticed it, which broke the karmic cycle of "seek for someone who would understand you - blab about yourself - seek for someone who would understand you and would listen".

That low have I descended. Embarrassing.

Edit: Erm, now that I think about it some more, I think I've always been this low. That's why I've considered my aunt "annoying".

Sunday, April 28, 2019

Workshop

Spent the weekend on a workshop. Little sleep and no time for other responsibilities. But on the other hand, helped to resolve a lot of issues.

Tried to focus on empathy and love as much as I remembered to do it.

There was a story about an old cooperation project (2009, 2010 or so). Although I had heard the story several times, I hadn't quite understood it. When one of the Finnish partners told the story from their angle today, then it finally dawned on me. The project was basically led by a young genius. We got along rather well, just loved brainstorming with him on solutions to various engineering challenges. I remember that he had big plans for his future. Apparently the guy had a mental breakdown and disappeared which doomed the project because none of his supervisors or professors were even close to his level and couldn't carry on his work. This is really sad, he would've been a good friend. I feel like I could have saved him somehow.

While I've forgotten most of the dreams, I do remember some symbols from the dreams.

Dream: Castle ruins

Climbed on some old castle ruins and remembered that I've done that a lot. A lot of old castles that I'd seen, had fallen into ruins and some eventually being overtaken by a mound of dirt.

Anyway, I climbed up and down the ruins of an old castle which were mostly covered in a mound of dirt, with fresh grass growing on it.

Dream: Museum

For some reason it felt like "my museum". Entered for a quick tour to remember things, as well as to get some ideas.

Noticed a TV on a wall. Approached it and couldn't help but giggle at the company name "Orwell" which I found ingenious. Decided to interact with it and perhaps ask a question from it. "Ok Orwell, .." the TV activated but I couldn't think of any question needing an answer.

Terrorismus 2

Still forgot to post a couple important symbols to "Terrorismus".

While on my way back to town on the Saturday just before Easter, I watched The Last Witch Hunter. It was on that Friday that I had read about the conspiracy theory of a satanic sacrifice ritual.

Today I read an open letter from a terrorist (found it on reddit). A Christian extremist who had failed to analyze his own assumptions and beliefs with simple logic. These things happen when people let their judgement become clouded by emotions.

Edit: Had a flashback (from a dream?) of an attack on people at a crowded place. Somehow nothing happened to me, but several friends died in a pool of blood. To my right there was a sandstone wall, and there was quite a bit of sand everywhere on the streets. It was dry, cloudless and the sun was up high.

Gave a bad rap to religion at work today. Having arrived back to town, stepped off the bus and found myself in the middle of a gang of old ladies with pamphlets full of preaching. Karma.

Thursday, April 25, 2019

Strange

During the Easter I suddenly took on learning Japanese via Duolingo (had been suggested to me by two Swedes). Got somewhat addicted to it. I think this dislodged my consciousness from my default safe zone again. I started seeing things differently, and at times I found my mind recalling some random sentences, words, dialogues from several years ago. Continued learning Japanese in some dreams as well.

For the past few days I've been feeling strange. Stomach issues, mild headache, minor blood circulation issues, inability to think straight, etc. Sometimes forgot basic words and sometimes the whole mind went blank. Throughout it all, felt somewhat floaty.

Performed some pranayama yesterday evening. Today I realized some of the karmic traces that might've contributed to this. Also recognized that my stomach and head had probably caught cold. Still have some stomach issues and head still hurts a bit. However, occasionally there's a breeze of something cool rising from the abdomen into the head, and sometimes there's a wave of something hot rising up to the head. Probably a blockage dissolving.

Terrorismus

Even though I considered it a bit eerie, I didn't post it right away. Thinking back on it today, I decided to still post it.

From previous Thursday up to the end of the weekend there were hints of terrorism coming in from all kinds of sources.

On Thursday morning I read from investment news that some EU politician in Brussels is pushing for some new regulations that large corporations like $FB, $GOOG, etc. have to detect and remove videos about terrorism events within an hour of posting. He considered the video of the Mosque shooting as pro-terrorist propaganda. There are so many obvious issues with his agenda that I won't bother covering any of it here. Anyway, also discussed the topic at work to bounce opinions and ideas with colleagues.

Thursday evening I started watching Zankyou no Terror. Then on the bus to capital city, I happened to watch Eagle Eye.

Saturday, April 20, 2019

Some ideas on redemption

I think it was on Monday, or maybe Tuesday that I realized something about what bro Jesus musta rapped 'bout.

For a while I had been puzzled at how it could even be possible for one person to redeem others.

One would introduce an empathetic connection with a lot of people, focusing on a specific viewpoint or feeling. Once entrained to it, the viewpoint or feeling could be gradually transformed into something different. Alternatively, it's probably possible to just maintain focus on this viewpoint or feeling so that it manifests as their own karma, and then to just live it through while remaining neutral about it.

Bro Jesus probably opted for the latter because the former has the downside that a lot of people would reject the transformation. It's probably more fruitful to drain collective karma of this particular viewpoint / feeling than to try and redirect it.

The selling of indulgences definitely misses this point. While at first it could have even been related - church sells indulgences and then the priests do the work on redemption somewhere behind the closed doors. But that's also not how it works because it's sincere compassion that's necessary for the empathy to work. Money tends to grow attachment which works against compassion and empathy.

It might also be interesting to note the +- a few days correlation to the Notre Dame incident. Also, I don't think Jesus ever told people to build churches in his honor and to visit them regularly. Or if he did, then it probably wasn't meant to be taken literally.

Disclaimer: I'm not religious, and if you are, please don't take any of this personally.

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

Zombie apocalypse

Somehow got a friend request on MAL and got invited to a Discord server about anime. Even more interestingly, the server actually seems reasonable.

Have been working on thesis recently.

In the meantime I've been entertaining the worldview that I'm alone in this world (no real friends and nobody who's able to understand me or even cares about it). In other words, detachment from the material world and its society. This has helped to both silence my internal chatter as well as to turn focus more inward. Regained a little bit of peace again. Also feeling my own body and mind better again. While this worldview helps to unravel the pain and sadness that has piled up inside, it comes at the cost of some social skills, though.

Interesting how by becoming more detached from the world one gains in empathetic connection with the world.

Dream: Zombie apocalypse

Took a hike to an abandoned house through a pretty spring landscape. I wasn't alone, there was some other person with me.

Decided to camp in this abandoned house but somehow managed to wake a bunch of zombies who then started coming in through doors and windows. With each door that we closed, a new open door appeared.

One of the zombies actually got inside and crawled into an old carpet where it transformed into a bug. Tried crushing it by stepping on it but they're invincible (could only degrade it into a slightly smaller bug). Threw it back out with the carpet.

I started looking for any tools that might help us defend ourselves. The drawers were weird - it was as if they weren't supposed to be opened. Anyway, found some kind of a device that detected zombies. The other person guessed that probably some of the other drawers contained weapons - would be typical but wouldn't want to descend that low.

Our discussion was interrupted by another open door appearing with a bunch of zombies waltzing in. The first zombie asked for berries, and had even brought his own blender for making smoothie.

Us: WTF?

Friday, April 12, 2019

Canoe hike

Enjoyed a 3 h canoe hike with colleagues yesterday.

It was probably about +3 *C without sunshine (for most of the day, at least). I did not have waterproof pants and I had totally forgotten to take gloves. The paddles had metal handles. I also didn't have rubber boots. While being driven to the starting point, I tried to somehow mentally prepare the body for what it was about to experience.

Eventually though, had to even remove one of the jacket (had 2 jackets, a hoodie and a shirt) because it became too hot while paddling around. I was actually glad that I hadn't brought gloves - it would've probably been colder with wet gloves. Also decided to remove boots and socks because my feet were sweating and I know that when this happens, it's very easy to catch cold.

Overall, it was awesome and it only made my body feel so much better.

While on our way back home, I saw the sunset and thought of asking the colleagues whether they had heard about the green flash. Considered it too insignificant and kept blabbing on conspiracies and conspiracy theories. Then at some point looked back at the sunset and it had turned into a vertical beam. Pretty cool.

Dream: Chubby haxor

There was some kind of a chubby girl in front of an expensive PC setup who asked for my help in finding and fixing some bugs. I knew she was working on sinister software for getting through the security of some kind of services. She tried various different ways of attracting me towards the monitor to look at the code. Normally I try to avoid judging people and remain helpful no matter what. However, this time when I got to within a few meters, a tiny green snake started slithering towards me. While keeping my view fixed on the snake, I slowly backed up. The snake pushed me to a distance of what seemed like 20 or 30 meters. The snake looked friendly and did not have any intention of harming me, instead, it seemed as if it were guiding me out of danger.

Today morning it turned out that one of our servers had been hacked (some software-specific exploit).

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Vivid dreams

Witnessed exceptionally vivid dreams a couple of nights ago. However, woke quite tired the next morning.

General mentality throughout most of the dreams: Something about finally having figured out a solution for something.

Anyway, by now I've managed to forget most of the dreams.

Dream: Weapon

Some terrorist? was testing out his new weapon in a crowded area. The weapon would generate some kind of a field according to its radiation pattern. While inside the field, felt as if everything were buzzing with electricity, things arcing and so on. As the man flipped a switch, everything within a dense enough region of the field was disintegrated. While people flocked the man, I tried to stay away due to the obvious nature of his weapon.

Dream: Old friend singing

Walked in to a supermarket, with a custom-modded old Zenit camera hanging on my neck. I had converted the camera into a digital camera with quite a lens.

Met an old friend at the supermarket. He said he was practising chorus songs as he had joined a chorus and they were going to have a performance soon. He seemed very excited. I was quite surprised because he used to dislike singing - it just didn't suit him.

Dream: Celebration

Came from one celebration event to another, and then eventually visited a colleague. It was her new apartment, I think. Anyway, had a chat and then we had to go somewhere. She asked me to drive. I hesitated and decided to enjoy a few pickled cucumbers instead of leaving right away.

Dream: Pixel art

Had this dream last night.

I painted a scenic picture in pixel art. I think the colors were 8-bit but not completely sure. Anyway, there was a colorful landscape with sunset in the background and fractal-inspired tree branches with berries in the foreground.

I couldn't believe how well it turned out. I had been convinced that I possibly couldn't produce anything of that level.

Sunday, April 7, 2019

Dafuq u thinkin yo

A couple of nights ago I was laying in bed on my left side, ready for sleep. Entertained a conservative perspective on some feelings (what if they're just brain chemistry after all?). I was startled out of it by a pop between my left ear and the head. It felt as if a (chewing gum) bubble had popped between the ear lobe and the head. Did some entity slap me?

Celibacy fail again.

Re-realized something about the clarity of the mind today. Managed to maintain it while taking a nap. The nap was exceptionally refreshing. Dreamt of floating down an alley, eating bird cherries.