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The goal of this blog is to motivate myself and others for further practice as well as provide details that might explain what's going on..


Sunday, May 31, 2015

So many awesome books

Yesterday morning I saw events from that day and planned my actions in the dreams.

Finished "Tales of Power" yesterday. Today I read half of "The Second Ring of Power" by Carlos Castaneda. That book is quite serious already. While reading about the battles of the witches, a storm broke loose and blasted a living room window open. Paused the reading for a moment, to close the window. The wind blew a lot of dust loose in the apartment and heard some papers fly around. Powerful weather. In total, there were 2 storms while enthusiastically reading the book.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Tonal machine


The best explanation I've come across so far:
The nagual is the unspeakable. All the possible feelings and beings and selves float in it like barges, peaceful, unaltered, forever. Then the glue of life binds some of them together. When the glue of life binds those feelings together a being is created, a being that loses the sense of its true nature and becomes blinded by the glare and clamor of the area where beings hover, the tonal. The tonal is where all the unified organization exists. A being pops into the tonal once the force of life has bound all the needed feelings together. The tonal begins at birth and ends at death, because as soon as the force of life leaves the body all those single awarenesses disintegrate and go back again to where they came from, the nagual. What a warrior does in journeying into the unknown is very much like dying, except that his cluster of single feelings do not disintegrate but expand a bit without losing their togetherness. At death, however, they sink deeply and move independently as if they had never been a unit.

Also, I think that these feelings and beings and selves aren't constant throughout multiple lives. Due to that, one can't say they were person X or Y in their previous life. Or, rather, they can say that but that's not entirely correct because the feelings, beings and selves mix differently (to some extent even during a single lifetime).

Although in Castaneda's "Tales of Power", this explanation is referred to as the sorcerer's explanation, this is scientist's explanation as well. At least, I think I've arrived at it through articles, experiments and logic. Personally I've considered sorcerer's explanation to be slightly different - assuming that every object is a conscious entity and has a spirit that you can communicate (and must not quarrel) with.

Hmm .. also, FullMetal Alchemist demonstrates this explanation nicely, though in a kind of reversed way.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Whispers of the dungeon master

Oh, right. A couple of mornings ago I heard whispers again.

While in a half-dream / OBE state, I'm laying in bed, listening to birds chirping. I'm hearing a lot of them chirping at the same time. It seems as if more distant sounds are not muffled and I can hear them perfectly. Focused on the ambient, I notice patterns of silence between the sounds. Once aware of the pattern, I start hearing whispering. It's as if there's a large creature, made out of all life forms that make a sound. This creature directs the patterns of sound and silence .. it speaks like that. This speech I hear as whispers without words.

The whispers remind me of the sounds of Disciple of D'Sparil from the good old Heretic game. Especially when one of those guys is invisible and following you. In other word(s), ominous and haunting.

Anyway, I listened to this with my left ear. Woke up and noticed that the clarity and audible number of birds decreased. Turned around and continued with my right ear. Right ear could barely hear the chirps at all .. remembered that I had damaged it with the decibels of a buzzsaw. Focused on the inaudible sounds. After a while, I could hear as well with the right ear.

Also I think that after hearing those whispers, I occasionally heard strange stuff with the left ear .. which I did not hear with my right ear. Astral sounds or something.

Multilayer vision

Recently I've been trying to walk "right". I mean, focused into infinity without concentrating on anything in particular. Meditative walking, basically.

Tired. Got about 4 hours of sleep last night. Some internal "turmoil" or karma that apparently I haven't fully digested yet.

Pecked dreams during the last presentations (which were more on politics and project management). Fought the sleepiness with all sorts of methods.

Occasionally I found a brief moment of clarity, in which I felt the illusory nature of my sleepiness. The illusion was cast by a few energy blockages in my system. Somehow I experienced the environment in two ways simultaneously. In one of them, I was clear and there was no sleepiness. In the other I was very sleepy and couldn't fight it off.

Occasionally saw energy filaments around people's heads. Sometimes noticed a lot of faint flashes of coloured lights around the filaments. Once saw a bright blue orb that appeared, stood there for a few seconds and then disappeared.

During a 1:1 discussion session, I noticed that I experienced it on multiple layers simultaneously. I saw the face physically, then felt it empathically .. however, I also saw the face from an OBE-ish viewpoint. This sight was from all the angles simultaneously (as if 4-dimensional) and had an energy overlay. The flashes and interference patterns of coherent volumetric light / energy was visible on top of the somewhat blurry face image. I tried to maintain the input from all the layers without particularly focusing on any. Also tried to avoid prolonged eye contact so that I wouldn't cause any unknown issues (tired and all).

Monday, May 25, 2015

Yin!

Hmm .. something's different since tapping that bit of sexual energy and jogging. A cool and calm sensation (yin) remains in the body from the crown down to the dan tien. Sometimes it clears my mind, sometimes I feel a sphere of thicker energy, sometimes a warp in the space-time again.

Today I felt like playing PC games. This surfaced some old emotions that had been tucked away. With this cool and calm sensation + open chakras, the old emotions got sucked upward and dissipated. Eventually some of them got stuck but cleared away shortly after I stopped gaming.

Hmm .. throat is a bit weird, though.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Jogged past birch-shack

Sexual energy had been berserk for several days. Couldn't sleep last night, spent almost the whole night, trying to untie the knot of yang with the help of yin. Little by little there was some effect. Today I tried to tap it and I think I got a bit of it, then I let the rest leak. Usually I've tried to tap it by focusing in the head (yang), intending to attract the energy .. that has not worked. Today I tried the opposite, I rested my attention in the head (yin) .. worked better.

Read some Castaneda, had an urge to jog. So, took a jog and while running random trails, I found an interesting spot in the woods. It looked as if someone had cut birch and connected the logs together, in order to make a hut. On top of one of the posts, there was a beer bottle. There was no trail to that place, nor any trail back. Stretched there and continued. A couple of more places that seemed interesting. A cuckoo was singing on top of a tree, circled around it. Then there was a tree that was grinding against another tree in the wind. Took a sharp angle turn from there. Focused on being lightweight and inspired by the surroundings. It was an act, but it helped to avoid exhausting myself with thoughts while running.

Again .. amazed at Castaneda's books.

After the tonal shrinks, the warrior is closing the gate from the other side. As long as his tonal is unchallenged and his eyes are tuned only for the tonal's world, the warrior is on the safe side of the fence. He's on familiar ground and knows all the rules. But when his tonal shrinks, he is on the windy side, and that opening must be shut tight immediately, or he would be swept away. And this is not just a way of talking. Beyond the gate of the tonal's eyes the wind rages. I mean a real wind. No metaphor. A wind that can blow one's life away. In fact, that is the wind that blows all living things on this earth.

Hmm.. I wonder if that's what I've called the astral wind? Like in those dreams where there's a loud storm outside and I go from building to building, crossing the wind but never staying in the wind for too long [1]. Also a long time ago in an OBE where I formed an infinity symbol out of the cloud of consciousness .. I broke it when the wind had amplified and become so strong that it was close to my limits [2].

Friday, May 22, 2015

Blankface greetings to you, my friend

A couple of events from today.


It wasn't the first time today that I noticed a cracking sound between the floor and the bottom of the shoe. It sounded as if one of those pea-sized firecrackers had gone off. However, there was nothing under the shoe.

An old friend called my name. With a blank face, I turned around, saying "Yes". He was confused that I wasn't surprised, as was I. Felt a bit embarrassed because of that .. after several years he had come to Estonia for a day or two and then my greeting was just .. .. . well .. .. off =/.

Anyway, it was a warm evening, so I bought an ice cream and left the store. It puzzled me that although I had ventured out of the building and the sliding doors had closed, the muzak was still playing. Shrugged, opened the ice cream wrappings and walked farther. Realized it was my cell phone (playing the muzak from the store, which of course I didn't recognize because I hadn't heard it before). A chat of about 200 or 300 meters with an opened icecream wrapping in my other hand .. =D.

Observation on Yin-Yang

First of all, I would like to point out that the post on doubles vs. scalar effects is bulls. Although it was an interesting idea, I misunderstood what don Juan had meant by the double. Later in the book he said "the double dreams the self", which basically flushed my interpretation.

Thanks to an owltwelve's post on the forum .. I realized something that's probably quite simple and obvious. Pain is tension, tension is concentration. So, in essence, not letting go or clinging to something is concentration on it - yang. Letting go is non-concentration - yin. The golden path is the perfect mixture of yin and yang.

That's why willforce doesn't help against yang saturation - because willforce itself is concentration, which is yang. Yang saturation must be balanced out with meditation on a completely blank state of mind or nature-empathy (same thing).

Tested this out on the digestion. The effect was reproducible. Each time I let the cloud of consciousness relax and spread out, digestive system jump-started again. Went to the kitchen, took a banana and an apple. A couple of minutes later I realized that's yin too.

The imbalance has been caused because of me being nervous about students' theses, the project, my article and now a trainee. Failed one of the students, while the work of the other seems more promising.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

The irony of recursive ignorance

Last night I had an interesting lesson, which was presented in an interesting way. I was at the summerhouse, at a synthetic time of the year when all different plants, bugs, animals were active and there were so many of them. I learned about the spirits of nature there. Once I had learned to appreciate everything that was there, I was confronted by uncle, who had decided to violate the nature for some reason. Regular reasoning didn't work on him. Out of options, I charged at him. Woke up and realized the ingenuity of the design of the dream .. as well as my stoopidity. I had been shown my own ignorant ways and then I had been ignorant on my ignorance. :D Sigh .. :|

14-15 hour workday with strong focus yesterday. Took some extra sleep today morning and today evening, too. Still a 12-hour workday, while pushing the limits of my focus. Well, it's not bad for change.

The scratches from OBE hazy have almost healed.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Old karma

Well, something hit the fan .. I think.

In my mind there are several alternative possibilities that may not be mutually exclusive:
  1. I've caught a cold during those OBE attempts perhaps or something.
  2. Impure mind has inflicted self-injury.
  3. Some black magic at works.
  4. I entered the field of my old constructs, which made me cold (stressed and shivered a lot).
Anyway, at work I was sitting at a friend's desk, because mine had occasionally been occupied by someone else. The friend arrived (rarely comes there, since his contract ended months ago). So .. I took my old seat and there I started having shivers .. it was cold, even though I had a fleece on and the room was warm. As I tried to fix the spot, I felt a resistance to my intent.

Today morning the last dream ended in a really suspicious way. Dad and I were about to go somewhere. Dad took a tractor and I just walked. At the corner of a field, there was a buzz saw. For some reason, he did not see it and he drove into it. It cut into the front of the tractor and the tractor deformed the saw so that it cut into its own wires. I casually went to the saw and pulled the plug to stop the sparkling, then walked away. Sparking didn't stop, though .. which was really suspicious. Then the cable turned into a witch's hand, which exploded. The hand gave off the feeling of evil / anger to such a degree that the witch thought sacrificing their hand had been worth the effort to cause damage to someone. It felt as if by pulling the plug, I had disturbed the witch's black magic so that it became unstable and as the last resort, it decided to explode.

Well, I think it's me against my own semi-subconscious constructs that have been caused by an impure state of mind. So, perhaps it was my own black magic that I disturbed and dissipated?

I like how there was no fear nor loss of mind clarity in the dream. However, the dream itself was not very clear - as if seeing through a haze of darkness.

Oh, remembered that before the bed, I noticed my internal light was obstructed by a lot of thin black films, which were curved (as if slightly burnt). The edges of the films / sheets were sparkling with color. Before falling asleep, I was busy cleaning it up, making it all luminous.

Also remembered that I saw a lot of shadows, faces today .. a lot more than usual. And that at work, as I focused on the surroundings, I heard a strange noise from about 20 m behind me. Looked and couldn't see nothing. After the strange noise, the activity of bird chirps and birds flying suddenly increased dramatically. At least, for a few seconds and then it became normal again. Since that flying dream, I've been hearing sounds different (regular sounds non-localized + astral sounds).

Monday, May 18, 2015

Doubles vs. scalar effects

While reading about the doubles, I thought it seemed similar to what I've read on scalar fields. Whenever a specific pattern is generated at a spot, then somewhere its opposite appears. Or rather, when pulling energy from one spot, one has to dump it somewhere else. Also, when the pattern and its opposite meet, then local balance is restored and the effect disappears. Based on what don Juan said, there's a similarity there.

Discussed theory with father again. I think I realized something that I previously hadn't.

For one, more connections between a star, black holes and spiritual development. While I had thought consciousness to be truly fundamental, pretty much equating it with energy, father considered consciousness as a pattern in energy. Pattern does seem more logical, although it implies some strange qualities .. like consciousness should be different, depending on the environment.

Father also thought that perhaps when the opposites (aka a man and his double) meet, annihilation does not take place. The argument was derived from the fact that particles have spin and even if opposing charges meet, spin should stop them from merging completely (they would become a binary system with an infinitely small distance or somesuch). Well, to me this seemed suspicious. But it might just be so.

Anyway, as a side-effect to my reaction, something in my room cracked and I felt a presence.

OBE hazy

Finished my stuff early and had time left over in the dreams. Went outside and started fine-tuning my eyesight while looking at the trees. Adjusted brightness, contrast, focus and stuff. Finished with that too, then looked around and started practising levitation. Flew around a little, then it occurred to me to try staring at the hands (looking at hands, then away, then back and so on .. should help to make the dream environment more solid). So, I figured I could do it without efforts by imitating underwater swimming movements while flying around. Flew around the summerhouse, circled over the trees and had fun for quite a long time. Not sure I've flown that long in the dreams before. The environment had become very vivid. After a while, thought of trying to OBE from the dream. Swooped at the ground and visualized Earth down there. As soon as I touched the portal, everything lost its detail. Instead of entering the atmosphere, everything went dark and I could barely see my hands at all. They looked as if filtered through an edge detection algorithm, with very faint lines. For some time I tried to improve the vividness without success, then woke up. As I opened my eyes, I was sitting on an apple tree next to the portal. Woke up once more and found myself in bed.

Checked the time and just laid there for a few more minutes. During that time I occasionally experienced the astral noise that is common before OBE. I thought I did not have time for more OBE, though. Stood up and found sun shining directly into my eyes. So, I carefully practised some sun gazing.

Felt strange today. Walked to a rendezvous point. Waited there .. then it turned out it was the wrong day. Held the meeting anyway. Had difficulties talking and the same with coding. Made unbelievably stupid mistakes. Constantly feeling as if stuck behind a veil, so that I can see through but it's tough to properly get into resonance with the world.

Perhaps don Juan would've said I wasn't solid enough. Also noticed that I felt a bit lighter than usually.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Clothes eating moth

Hmm .. for months, there have been clothes eating moths in the kitchen, eating flour, flakes and tea. Father and sister have been trying to catch and kill them, I've just been observing them and letting them be .. although to my rational mind these creatures look despicable. By now, the cupboard is empty of old flour bags that were cluttering it.

For a few times, I've noticed a moth standing at a spot for days without moving .. as if staring at me.

Last night I read Castaneda's "Tales of Power" .. the part about Castaneda's experience with the moth.

Went to bed. A minute or two later, I felt someone tapping the left shoulder rhythmically. Focused in that direction and at that moment it stopped.

In the morning when I opened the eyes (I was oriented towards the left), there was a moth on the wall, staring at me. It's the same moth that meditates on the spot for days and rarely moves around.

Well, practised clearing my mind, then .. for some time. Once when I got lost in thoughts or hypnagogic imagery, I heard someone at my right calling me back. Anyway, I had some success, but not enough to do anything with it. I noticed that what I had previously considered a blank mind, actually wasn't. And that somewhere between the previously-thought-blank-mind states, there was something deeper. Only caught glimpses of that deeper state, but I guess while in it, there was no sensory input.

Climbed out of bed .. the moth didn't budge.

The dream I had last night was kind of boring, in my opinion. Some emotions and a lot of strange symbols. In general, I was following people and got attached to them, forgetting myself.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Sleeping aware

While listening to Castaneda audio-books, I used to stare at the desktop wallpaper. At some point, one of them [1] struck back. It became alive and I felt it trying to absorb / entrap me. Changed the wallpaper. The next one [2] had a tiny anime character that was partially covered by a desktop icon. This image was alright until I just grew tired of staring at it. Nice synchronicity / manifestation, though .. the image went very well with the Journey to Ixtlan. Changed the wallpaper, now to [3]. After I had been staring at it for some time, I realized I had been staring at it while sort of clinging to the image. Realized that I was repeating the same mistake as with [1] and let go.

With the recent progress in relaxation and letting go, I've had moments of clarity throughout the night. It has become easier to become / stay aware once the body has fallen asleep. For several times I've found myself in a strange situation while dreaming .. and focused on observing myself observing the situation.

Took a nap and noticed that places popped in mind .. tried not to become hooked to any of those, going back to the body every now and then.

An OBE-ish dream with cars parked at the side of the road. Everything looked real blurry and hazy and reflections had a lot of bloom.

Probably became lost in something. Woke up slightly depressed and demotivated.

Took another nap, trying not to fall asleep. This one also wasn't very refreshing, but seemed to have strengthened the focus.



Wallpaper reference:

[1] Figurine of a Steins;Gate character

Kurisu Makise by Ex14Dsilent on DeviantArt

[2] An unknown wallpaper


[3] Hatsune Miku


Squirrel vs. sparrows

Tried a different way of letting go last night. Observed the faint pattern of light in the ceiling, walls. At some moment, I think I saw through closed eyelids. Though, when I pressed the eyes shut stronger, the image became darker and blurred. It's possible that the eyes had slipped slightly open on their own. Interestingly, the painful blob in the chest didn't fade immediately after relaxation (like it has done before), but spread out into the shoulders first.

For the whole night, I was busy working on something. Occasionally realized how late it was and thought: "I'll have to go to sleep soon.." and then continued working, until I woke up 5 min before the alarm. Felt as if I hadn't slept at all.

Although I was a bit tired, my concentration was something else. Became absorbed in almost anything I worked on. For some reason, people liked to praise me today. It troubled me for long, until I realized I had not let it go. After work, I observed the nature .. trees, clouds, grass, birds. Paid attention to the depth of focus and tried not to become lost in anything.

Then a squirrel hopped down a spruce, with two sparrows flying after it, pecking it with their beaks. At first it made me smile, but after observing it for a while, I noticed I had started to associate myself with the squirrel (I've noticed exactly the same habit while dreaming, also). The squirrel crossed the parking lot and climbed the next tree (linden, I think), from there it ran to the end of a branch and onto another spruce. I think its home was there. Anyway, tried to let go of empathizing with the squirrel, as I did not know the reason why the birds were picking on it.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Geisting signals

Last night I stared out of the balcony window. Stared at the trees, expanding my awareness so that I would feel the trees as my body. My mind was not clear, though, and it woke up the sea gulls sleeping on the roofs. They started circling around, shrieking. Made an attempt to clear my mind, while continuing with the practice. Sea gulls landed back on top of the buildings and became silent.

While listening to Castaneda's "Journey to Ixtlan" again today, I think I realized how my attempts at absorptive meditation have been very similar to Castaneda's attempt at "not doing". In his case, don Juan interrupted the procedure whenever it became dangerous (danger of becoming lost in it). In my case, there has always been geisting in the room, which has startled me out of it. Yesterday an old CRT monitor cracked really loud (well, at least louder than it ever has) while I was in the bed, practising concentration on something. So far I haven't thought about the geisting as a friend.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

World: inspiring, mysterious, awesome

Took a nap. Woke in a dream / OBE of sorts, when I heard something buzzing. Listened to the noise and wondered where it came from. Moved around the room (away from the laptop), trying to pinpoint the source. I thought I had found it (some sort of a device in black plastic, with ribs). The noise seemed to have come from there. However, soon I found it strange .. because the whole room was vibrating, along with the wall that was the nearest to that device. Felt the vibration with the whole body. Tapped into it. Then thought of pulling the plug to see if the vibration remains .. but woke up.

Actually, now that I think back on it, the device was on an extension cord exactly like my laptop. And the laptop is made out of black plastic .. and the extension-cord side of it has ribs. Somewhat weird morphing of 3d space .. which is rather common for OBEs.

Chatted with a colleague, then sister's cellphone alarm woke me up. Perfect timing for a skype chat.

There were several other experiences also during the nap, the details of which have sort of faded .. they weren't describable by the rational mind anyway.

Hmm .. I've been feeling more anxious recently .. psi intensity has increased, so has geisting and the anxiety / nervousness has become a physical feeling in the chest / at the back.

I've been seeing flashes of light a lot, too. Or lights hanging somewhere mid-air, in peripheral vision.

While listening to some more of Castaneda's "Journey to Ixtlan". It was getting dark and the stories were about "jogging" in the dark. It occurred to me that deep down I somehow knew most of what don Juan was teaching. In this life I have practised several of the techniques without having been taught about them. I've noticed the same with yoga, chi gong and so on..

That jogging in pitch black darkness with just intuition guiding me. Those visits to the pastry and forest in the dark, hunting for power. That gazing slightly out of focus, doing nothing, staring at leaf shadows, at the space between the leaves and so on. Castaneda's preference on sunset also applies for me. I've been gazing at the sunset in a similar way .. though, since we don't have mountains, I used to do it from tree tops.

Even though I did not like the term "warrior" at all, I have been striving towards it since I was a few years old. For me, uncle was one. Back then he practised karate, stick-fighting, meditation on his own and rarely talked .. just trained himself. He was cool in every way I could imagine, dressed like Neo, with a black hat, a long coat and stuff .. walked without a sound, practised sun-gazing, running up trees and always acted unpredictably. I tried to stick to him whenever possible, asking him to teach me. Though, with me around, he soon dropped it. Back then, aunt was also really inspiring .. reading mystical stories of old yogis and their moments of realization. She loved to make everything around me seem magical. Sometimes (so far once four years ago) I've also come close to the way of the warrior and recognized myself in others.

I'm really grateful to the family and all they have taught me as well as all they haven't. I'm also grateful for everything I've been taught via other methods, for what I've learned as well as for what I will learn. The world truly is exceptionally inspiring, mysterious and awesome .. when approached in that way.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Dark blob leaped

Leaked energy today morning .. but into my nerve system, this time (didn't manifest physically).

Woke up on someone else's alarm. Perhaps sister had forgotten her phone in the living room. Nice timing, because for some reason, my own alarm hadn't gone off (should've done so in -10 min or so).

On the way back home, I stared out of the car window and saw the flow of energy for a couple of times for a brief moment. It has been a while. While walking home, I passed a building, behind which there was an old shed. The shed had an ominous feeling about it. In a second, a cloud hid the sun and I had a strange mood. A couple of blocks later, I think I managed to overcome it.

Focused on lifting energy up the spine. This boosted digestion remarkably. Noticed that as I passed a tree, the lifting sensation was powered up quite a bit. It's as if trees also have an up-flow of energy. Yet, somehow sometimes my consciousness descended while I was focused on lifting energy underneath a tree. Tree branches lifted (or at least looked like it), though.

I've been seeing bright blue flashes again (at the center of sight), especially when I relax or release tension.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Deep and personal

Took a nap during the day. In one of the dreams, there was a huge construction work going on for me. Huge fields of planned buildings, terraces, bridges and what not. A guy who had planned most of it, mentioned an issue that once the bridge would be nearly finished, it would make it difficult for the cement truck to approach a specific sector on the construction place. There was a crane to my right, for lifting bridge blocks. Although I could constantly feel the danger of my actions (very easy to fall or to cause something to fall apart), I decided to do something that I hadn't done before. I climbed the crane and started pulling a couple of pole structures closer to the crane (perhaps to make room for the cement truck to approach from this side?). There was some sort of a mechanism that locked the poles so that they wouldn't fall over. Strangely enough, it only locked into place when I let go (seemed like a very dangerous thing to do, at least according to the rational mind). Did this several times, until I had moved the poles close enough.

After reading Torres' books and two Castaneda's ones, Castaneda's "Journey to Ixtlan" has made me feel uneasy for several times (unlike the previous books). Ego often feels threatened by the stories. While reading / listening, I've somehow gotten so deep into it that it has started to feel very personal. At times I've considered leaving the old man rambling and to just start walking away in a random direction. The one who retreats from a pointless argument is the wiser one .. or at least, that's how I've been taught. However, in this occasion, retreating would mean giving up the chance to change myself. From this perspective, it would be wiser to sit it through, observing all emotions that may surface during the argument and not give in to any. Then, perhaps the old man starts to feel stupid instead .. ego thinks. This is all stupid, though, because I'm only listening to an audio book and logically there should be no reason for the ego to feel offended whatsoever .. because the book is in no way related to the ego. Very interesting reactions, in my opinion .. definitely worth recapitulating.

Black cobbler fish

Hmm .. yesterday it was crusted peanuts that made me feel tired very quickly.

Took a few naps today and during one of them, an image suddenly popped up and overlaid anything else that the mind was occupied with. It looked like a black cobbler fish on the floor, next to a box of journals in front of the bookshelves. The fish had its head towards me.

Googled it, but only found cooking images.

Ate stuff again. Then it popped into mind that I want fish. I thought father had finished the bag of fish. Checked the fridge and the second bag of fish was still there .. hadn't noticed it, nobody had. Fish made me feel fresh again.

Listened to some more Castaneda's books in the morning. It was about hunting .. and the white falcon. Caught myself thinking "I'm not a hunter". Cross-thought "Can't say that, because I don't know myself. Even though I may not like it, I just may be." Then reminded myself how I used to love fishing when I was little. Now I just feel sorry for fish that I've caught and plants that I've picked or that have been picked for me. In other words, I've basically suppressed the hunter in me.

Launch anniversary, I was reluctant to go at first, but then realized I could re-think it for myself. I could turn it mystical and enlightening for myself. At least that's what I used to do with these sorts of events anyway.

Arrived at the scene. An archery target caught my attention. Helped to set up the target and it was pretty fun. The first time shooting with a real bow (not like the hazel tree bow-wannabes that we've sometimes built during the summer). There were also an air gun rifle and an air gun pistol. Fired a few shots with those too, but found them less interesting.

Took sauna and visited a hot bath barrel. From the barrel, I saw two flashes of light in the sky. Bluish-white and then red. While in the barrel, I felt quite uncomfortable at first, but with meditation I managed to overcome this .. energy floated up the spine and formed a painful blob between the heart and throat chakras.

Looked around and noticed that energy moved up the gable roof, not down (as I've thought previously). Didn't see it, but when I looked at it, I felt it. Also noticed how roof edges affected the flow of the energy. So, a gable roof or a pyramid focuses energy at the top of the roof, creating a sort of vacuum that draws in more energy from the ground. It makes sense that in such a building, energy flow in the body is enhanced also. However, while in a flat-roofed building, energy flow is not stimulated and there's a high chance of energy becoming stale or stagnant. From this point of view, wizard hats now also seem to have practical value.

The concept of always being aware of the death stalking you, or its side-effects are really good. However, this death is not the death that we've grown accustomed to calling death. Indians see death differently. For me, it associates more with the guardian or friend who is always to my left. He guides through the process of being born and he does the same in case of death. Since he's an energy form, he sees through everything that I do, think or feel. He knows all my weaknesses and points them out to me. He's friendly, as is death. It's like a restart to learn to resolve the weaknesses that blinded me on the previous iteration of life.

Stared long at a couple of trees. Saw or felt them very different. Though, can't describe what was so different about them. Just hadn't felt trees from such a world-view before. Anyway, with the darkness and lighting they looked like broccoli.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Tired clarity

Slept with the balcony door open, to get some fresh air. Woke sleepy but couldn't sleep any longer. Had a hard time trying to recover the clarity from yesterday. Then suddenly felt tired today.

Took a nap, then another one. Remained fully conscious throughout the naps, but they didn't help me overcome exhaustion.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Sexual energy went berserk

Sexual energy started pushing two days ago and went berserk yesterday. It bubbled up all sorts of emotions, which I observed without action. Laid down and tried to relax and let go of whatever I thought I was holding onto. This helped perhaps a little .. but the pain / heat / pleasure at the tailbone was still there and didn't want to leave. Leaked a little during the night.

Today I realized I had messed up with my recapitulation a little. I had semi-subconsciously also applied stasis field, while trying to resolve the issue with sexual energy. At least partially, the problem was caused or enhanced by the stasis. It's important not to slow down energy flow, while observing it.

Today morning I woke up to the signal of someone / something twitching the fingers on my left hand. Checked the phone .. 5 minutes before the alarm. This twitch occurred in such a mind-state that it helped me remember the dreams better.

Drank too much coffee (2 half-cups of cappuccino) at work today. Lost the ability to focus for a moment. Inspired by Castaneda's books, I tried to feel the properties of the coffee (why it has such an effect, why people drink it, what's its personality like - in case personified and so on..). Then tried recapitulation on it. Some time later I felt different (not sure it's related to coffee at all).

I did something on a semi-subconscious layer of mind and anxiety transformed somehow. It became hollow and stayed that way. Somehow I started seeing hardships as challenges I was really looking forward to. The blocker had become transparent and I could see nature from a different perspective. Actually this somewhat worked already yesterday .. after a specific moment, the bubbled emotions turned into passion and I realized how much I loved the issues that at first had seemed frustrating. But then again, these things don't happen overnight .. and claiming so would be ignorant (one of the mistakes I did several years ago, before restarting the cycle). I acknowledge the hard work and keep going.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Partially out of body

Remembered that two nights ago after a recapitulation session, the throat and 3rd eye chakras popped open and closed every few minutes. Enjoyed looking around the room in the darkness, with my eyes closed for some time.

Last night I woke halfway out of body in a dream-like environment. While the environment was dream-like (misplaced chairs that transformed into a mirror image of the bed and what-not), my sensations seemed vivid. I couldn't move the left side of the body, whereas the right side of my body was just numb and buzzing. I stood up and looked at the body. My right side was in the left side of the body .. and the right side of the body was just there, lifeless. My left side was there, to the left of the body, out of it. It was not tangible nor visible, but I could feel it .. just couldn't move it normally. Quite weird.

I guess the dreams were amazing too .. just that I've forgotten them. My eyes were really tired today morning. Did some work, then slept at least an hour more, then continued with work.

Practised recapitulation during a 1.5 hour walk. While coming back, a bunch of energy shot up and left .. causing the body to jolt and shiver. Consciousness shifted upward for a moment, then returned and I yawned once. Hmm.. .. . ..

Recently I've had a lot of flashbacks, each with interesting information and slightly foreign viewpoints on the world.

Surface dreams

Hyena shared Castaneda's audio books with me. Started listening to "The teachings of Don Juan" yesterday and it's amazing. Peter Coyote tells it so well.

Slightly less than a week ago I had a dream where some guy at the street was shooting at me. It was night and the streets were empty. Ducked in the shadow of a car for some time (until I thought he had cleared the magazine). I knew I barely had enough energy to protect myself (perhaps just barely enough to maybe scare him off), so I took my willpower and swooped towards him. He hid in a sea container. Flying, I tore through the container wall and looked at him .. then the dream ended. With a blank mind, he was staring at me, terrified.

There haven't been many dreams that I've remembered or that have stood out. Perhaps one weird dream did stand out. I was floating around as a cloud, observing a situation from multiple angles. There were three people at a house. They were calmly waiting for someone who was supposed to come there. That someone appeared as a mouse. He was happy to bring great news, but right when he was about to share the news, one of the three people took a bow and shot through the two eyes of the mouse. This shocked me and the mouse. I think I tried to revive it and heal it.

From dream dictionary:
To see mice in your dream indicates that you are spending too much time dwelling on minor problems and insignificant matters.

To see mice feeding or eating in your dream suggests that someone is trying to bring down your self-confidence. Someone may be nipping away at your resources.
A few days ago I started working on recapitulation again. One night I got so deep into reliving specific moments of the past, that I had to stop it to also get some sleep before the morning. Realized it was the lack of recapitulation that caused the stomach problems .. or rather, there are too many problems to digest. So, I'll just have to undo some of them.

I want to integrate recapitulation into everything I do again. Whenever I detect emotions or internal tension increasing, I would focus on observing the situation without participation.

On Friday or Saturday morning, I realized I heard father's thoughts. Previously I've known the thoughts of other people, but haven't heard them directly like that.