The left fireplace

Had an unannounced busy weekend with a visit to grandparents. At some point in the morning there was a smell of something burning. Later it turned out that it was coming from the chimney, as the hatch was open. Nobody had been using the chimney for a great many years, so we were surprised. After coming back home, yesterday evening I was feeling a bit down over my lack of dating skills and had difficulties falling asleep. I tried relaxing the body and found a new way of doing that.

I visualized a laser from the root chakra to regions within the body. The laser would heat up the body parts and release tension / stress as it illuminates them. This worked surprisingly well.

Though, soon after, I started getting waves of heat going up the body but mostly on the left side of the body. Additionally, I was seeing yellow or golden rings shrinking in front of my closed eyes. This was while I was laying in the bed on my right side. As I rolled over, the heat waves were still on the left side but I stopped seeing the rings of light. The waves of heat came from the feet up to the throat chakra but rarely beyond it. In the regions washed over by the waves of heat, it felt calm, soothing and a bit blissful. I was sweating a lot.

Today morning I'm feeling increased energy density in and just above the head.

Chest

Recently there has been quite a bit of work stress, so I've been practising relaxation with focus on the chest.

At first there was a lot of tension and sadness at the heart. As this was released, then lungs and the chest were next. Dedicated most of the weekend for that but there's still pain being released from there. Also, I try to keep it warm and I try to maintain focus there to keep heating the channels. Sometimes I would visualize an upward vorticular flow through the central channel, specifically at the upper back.

Sometimes there have been peaks in stress, and sometimes electricity is affected. Yesterday, for example, I took the phone out of the pocket and nearly dropped it (that would have surely left a dent in the floor). At that moment, the kitchen lights flickered a lot.

Today evening I've been feeling curiously lightweight. Chased the cat a bit, and it seemed easy to run or jump without causing a thud.

Energy release

Recently a person interested in psychokinesis, paranormal and spiritualism found me. This explains a dream from some weeks ago. One evening while we were exchanging experiences over a call, I got entrained to the wall just behind the display.

One night I felt quite a bit of warm red energy being released in the body and felt too energetic to sleep.

Also, a few times I've felt the head become thick with energy.

A bit of healing

Dreams

I think it was on Monday evening that I "saw" a cloud of light near me. Brought my attention to it and enjoyed it for a bit.

Recently I've been feeling a bit more in the dark again.

Yesterday had a dream with a lot of scrambled ice on the streets.

Today morning I had a dream with violent protests on the streets. One of them threw a bottle to the ground. I closed my eyes but felt some of the shards hit my eyelids. This sort of negligence made me a bit angry.

Undreams

In addition to dreams, something interesting has happened in the waking life.

Recently I think my kidneys have been under a lot of pressure for some reason. For years I used to struggle with phlegm and difficulties breathing at home. I thought it was some sort of dust which I was allergic to. However, it appears that I have suddenly somehow magically recovered from this. While at some point I tried to actively heal it, the last time was perhaps a couple of weeks ago or so.

Went through the store while on my way back home on Wednesday evening. It was raining, so I thoroughly wiped my boots dry on the carpet to make sure I wouldn't slip later. Almost bumped into a lady shortly after, as both of us kept stepping aside in mirrored directions. So I leaped away but slipped and still almost fell on her.

Later when I got home, everything was covered in a thick layer of dust. There's construction works going on in the neighbor's apartment. An interesting occurrence.

Letting go

A curious dream, a realization and a couple of observations.

Dream: Visitors

Last week I had a dream where I spent the night playing video games and stuff. For some reason, there were a couple of members from LC (one of the Discord servers) in my room and I felt uneasy about it. I asked them to state their purpose but it seemed that they were "zombies" (asleep or not conscious about it). They themselves probably also wouldn't have known why they were there.

Realization: Procrastination

Had a long discussion about my problems with mom. By the next morning I had realized a potential cause for the problems. Back in about 2011 I had fallen for a girl but I never told her that (hesitated) and eventually I sort of forgot about it but it had still been bothering me ever since.

So I decided to try and see if telling her about it now would help me overcome the problem with the left eye and me being unhappy with myself. We were sort of friends but after I described my issue, she stopped responding. I did suspect that this might happen.

Though, I think I managed to forgive myself and I started feeling better. While I think it's too early to say anything for certain about the left eye, I did notice that it behaved in an interesting way. Previously it used to dry up every now and then. Today the eye sometimes just became wet without any pain.

Observations: Image

Recently some people on LC have been treating me a bit differently. One of them said that when I posted something, it felt like a refreshing breeze of wind from the ocean. Another one thought I had transcended or something.

I wonder if this might be related to my attempt at making my field of consciousness more "compact".

Today I was surprised at the books which the LC book club members had picked and who picked what kind of books. Several books on the spiritualism and enlightenment topics. I don't think I promoted these topics in my posts there. Ordered a couple of the books from the list.

Runny nose

Missed it from the previous post, but it was somewhat windy at the sea. Due to the chilly wind, I got a runny nose in the evening. It suddenly became so bad that I sneezed and water started pouring from everywhere (eyes and nose). Head also felt as if it had sustained some damage.

Instead of going to the tent for sleep, I decided to still chat some more with colleagues. Focused on a visualization of healing the head, and a few seconds later I felt completely fine again.

During the past 3 weeks, it has happened twice that someone has pinpointed a good spot on my ego, causing it to feel offended. Both times it has had a tremendous effect in helping to see things from a broader perspective. I really enjoy it when that happens.

Synchronicities

Other than that, there have been some synchronicities recently. Mildly counter-productive, usually. Yesterday evening I wanted to pay the bills but the payment kept failing. Today I managed to pay the bills from an older version of Firefox.

Finished one iteration at a file format converter for an online machine learning annotation tool. The online service was down.

There have also been phone calls or chats popping up at busy times.

Oh, actually, some synchronicities have been very productive, too. For instance, at a webinar the tutor mentioned the machine learning annotation tool. I had already planned to start writing my own, so it saved a couple of weeks of work, exactly at the last moment.

Similarly, as I was about to start implementing raster vectorization myself, a colleague pointed out a function in a library which does exactly that, exactly the way I need it (and apparently seems to be using a very similar algorithm, too). Again, this saved a couple of days of work, exactly at the last moment.

Stuff

Recently I've been having some increased psi intensity, sometimes with a mild headache and nausea (due to blockages in the channels). There have also been moments with waves of heat propagating up the body.

While sitting in the lotus pose a couple of days ago, the cat curled onto my feet. Though, at some point the cat suddenly leaped off, looking at me with surprise. I suspect it might've been one of those heat waves propagating through the body which maybe caused the cat to feel weird.

I built up the density of psi surrounding the body again, for I realized that it helps with healing. I also realized that the issue with the left eye wasn't an issue with the left eye, it's still nothing more than an indicator for issues elsewhere in the body.

Occasionally I've happened to focus on the standing wave in the central channel. This usually builds up psi intensity really quickly (and results in the headache and nausea).

Watched Doctor Sleep yesterday and it was awesome. Most of it fit very well with past experiences and impressions of how things worked. Though, imho the thing with people hunting people with powers seemed like something out of the ancient times. While perhaps realistic, I don't think they would stand a chance against proper spiritual development in real life. It would simply be too overwhelming for them.

Edit: Ah, almost forgot. Wanted to note down that today morning I saw the Crookes radiometer spinning in sunlight. I had already convinced myself that I had probably broken it. It seems that I was mistaken, and perhaps the stasis field has finally worn off after all these years.


An interesting dream from a few weeks ago.

Dream: Homeless kids

During the pandemic, Grandma liked to visit their summer house and cook food there. She always cooked in large quantities. I wondered why was that.

At some point, a lot of homeless children revealed themselves. For most of the time, they simply remained hidden.

While there were police patrols nearby, thus far the homeless kids had gone unnoticed.

Left eye

On Wednesday, I couldn't keep my left eye open. Slept through most of the day and when I couldn't sleep, I sat and waited.

On Thursday morning, the eye started to feel better again. Since then, a feeling of euphoria / ecstasy washed over. This seems to occur each time that there's a more serious eye pain, and it seems to last for roughly the same amount of time that the pain lasted.

I had thought that the more serious eye pain arised due to some other disease / flu coming up. However, I suspect that it was just cyclic, instead. It has been 4 months since the previous occurrence. Also, it was 4 months between the previous occurrence and the injury.

The root of this recurring problem.. I thought one potential solution occurred to me, together with its consequences. But maybe it's not the time or maybe it was just some delusions of a troubled mind.

Dream: Fire

Looked out of the balcony window and saw another building across the street on fire. Or at least, I thought it was on fire. There were no flames, only golden embers of light flying around some sort of a wizard-looking guy.

Real life: Fire alarm

The next morning, a fire alarm went off at a colleague's office on the other side of the country. It was a false alarm.

Synchronicity

Today morning I told someone that I was still having problems finding people with whom I could discuss some topics. Then in the evening, someone in another server (not related in any way) remembered something which I had said quite a while ago. They started asking questions and I had a lot of fun.

This somehow triggered an invite into an even more spiritual server.

Spiritual hackathon

The root cause of these problems is still there, for I haven't been able to figure out how to solve it.

For the past couple of nights, I've been waking up with the left eye in pain again. The air humidifier had been running, washing the eye didn't help, nor did the eye drops. So I just had to sit through the pain for perhaps an hour, unable to open the eye.

Yesterday I tried not to let it influence my plans to finish building a proper box for a high voltage supply. Well, it turned out quite crooked, but whatever.

Apparently had missed a couple of group meditation events. But then again, from my psychokinesis experiments I know that the time doesn't really matter. Made a couple of quick attempts at improving the situation due to the pandemic, but soon realized that my intentions were still shadowed by my own issues (and would spoil things).

A bit of a celibacy fail while sleeping during the day yesterday. Lost control of a dream.

Had interesting dreams after sitting through the pain last night.

Dream: Missed it

There was a restricted building with a lot of antique furniture, etc. Someone who had been working there (but was fired, I guess), wanted to show me something. By the time we got there, a moving company was taking things away and there wasn't much of anything he could show me. So we just roamed about, trying to look like we belonged there.

Dream: Spiritual hackathon

There was some kind of a hackathon going on. I think there was a lot which had to be done and I wasn't sure if we would manage to get it done in time. Anyway, the day ended and the team started moving towards the venue for the dinner.

While on the way, I think we had to wait behind some traffic lights. To our right, there was a park with police cadets training. I think I paid a bit too much attention to it, for before I knew it, I was also taking part of the drill. Matched the steps of a girl in front of me but at some point I noticed that I had gotten too close. Increased the distance. The girl was disappointed and left. I then asked the drill officer what was the recommended distance for marches during this pandemic. I think the answer was that it didn't matter.

Anyway, got back to the rest of the team but for some reason I had to tie my boot laces. The rest of the team crossed the street and left. Oh well.

Now there was a gathering place to my right. Several other teams had gathered there to listen to an organizational announcement for the hackathon. The announcement was projected onto a wall there. The person describing the schedule looked like a monk or a guru. After providing an overview of the schedule for the evening and the following days, he answered questions. While I don't think I asked anything, he answered about the difficulties of choosing a path. Although he used some amazing allegories, these only made sense within the dream. Basically, he said that it wouldn't matter what one picked, for the universe is great at filling in the blanks between one's position / attitude and intent. Somehow he explained it through the physics of a chain made of rope (which somehow made sense in the dream).

After listening to this guy, I remember saying: "Awesome. A week long pilgrimage through the mountains would've still been worth it for just that one quote of his."

He warned that the dinner was a bit exceptional and that it would be easy for one to lose their way.

Thank you

Slept some more and then suddenly started feeling pretty good from about 6 PM. Somehow really enjoyed my pasta and regained motivation and enthusiasm for building things.

I think this also helped:

The left eye still sees like a potato camera, though.

In addition to the food, I'm really digging Igorrr's new album.

Ill again, probably

There has been depression again since the meditation on Saturday.
Since then, I've tried to meditate and sleep a lot, which hasn't helped much.

Iteratively focused on parts of the body where the issues resided, with a neutral perspective. This seemed to have eased the issue somewhat.

Woke with eye pain twice again, and washing it with water only helped a little. Also applied eye drops but those didn't seem to make a difference.

For the past couple of days there haven't been any issues with the activity of the left vs. the right energy channel.

Vitamin D levels are still normal, I guess. However, there might've been a lack of some other vitamins, for yesterday evening a multivitamin pill tasted good.

Left hemisphere on fire

Since the meditation on Saturday, my left hemisphere (and left nostril) had been inactive. For the past couple of days I've been trying to boot the left hemisphere again.

The few times successful boots there has been a fairly intense flow of psi up the left side of the spine, in addition to the left side of the body producing a lot of heat. Occasionally I've felt something melt again in the centre of the brain, helping to calm the body.

The left eye has also been acting a bit strange recently. While the left side of the body was producing a lot of sweat, the left eye started to hurt due to dehydration.

Dream: Blood circulation

A dream from Monday morning. I was shown a prototype of some kind of a setup at a lab. In a plexi-glass cuboid, there were all sorts of tubes and pipes and a pump which acted as the heart. I was amazed. Then someone else entered the lab. They were amazed how efficient this system would be when adapted for producing artificial blood.

Dream: Stage

I don't know why but these kinds of dreams are rather common. For some reason, I sneak backstage to hide (otherwise stand out too much). While there, everyone would try to get me to the stage to perform.

That aside, a friend got a kid recently and this friend showed up in the dream. He was really tired, though. He listened to the concert for some time, then took a tent and went to sleep in the dream.

Burning tree

On Saturday I had a chat with someone (on the Discord server) who meditates quite a bit. This inspired me to meditate as well, or at least attempt to.

Took 1h for such an attempt. I think I occasionally did fall into a meditative state for a second or two. Cat kept trying to obtain my attention, then the door made a sound and twitched, etc. Felt tired and didn't want to do anything afterwards. Watched S2E1 of Impulse and realized it wasn't a very good idea. Then played a bit of Doom (2016), which might've been a better idea if I had had a proper display. At night I made a mistake of pinging a lot of people on the Discord server, which caused some of the people to reveal their (not very nice) personalities.

Was also rather tired yesterday. Caught myself seeing the virus spreading in hypnagogic imagery. Left eye started to hurt and became sensitive to light. I think there are 2 potential causes - that bad display or some sort of viral infection. When I "look" at the body with my mind's eye, I don't see any virus, though. Maybe should buy a new monitor / display for the desktop PC.

Felt a bit better after visiting a department store yesterday evening.

Ah, at some point something melted in the heart chakra and spread throughout the body. Felt a bit better after that happened.

Today morning there's a mild headache and my left arm has been feeling a bit numb. Left eye still feels stressed.

Some strange symbols from the dreams.

Dream.Symbol: Old Lada

I had to go somewhere but didn't have a car. Someone offered me their old Lada for the trip but there were a lot of issues with it so I didn't make it. At some point the mechanism for controlling the flow of gasoline became stuck. Tried to dislodge it, but while doing so, it leaked gasoline on the road. A lot of pollution. A lady approached and pointed out the obvious. I said that I noticed, and apologized while knowing that my apology would no longer change anything.

Dream.Symbol: Burning tree

A bunch of youngsters were having a party or something somewhere. One of them started a bonfire in the yard. There was a tall tree which caught fire. The people thought it just looked cool and walked past it without paying much attention to it. I pointed out the issue that none of them looked at the burning tree or its branches. Soon after, the tree fell over .. on some of the youngsters. I tried to go back to see if there was anything which I could do to help but the dream faded before I managed to.

Dream.Symbol: Big Brother

Throughout the dreams, there was some sort of a presence again which kept observing everything and coordinating things. Feeling powerless against it, I mostly hid and avoided seeming suspicious. While this has also been a somewhat regular symbol, it has been the most prevalent while I've been ill.

Cleaning, healing

For the past month or so, I've been feeling more life in me. It seems as if the goal for 2020 (to regain health) is progressing. Occasionally I've even felt enthusiasm or willingness to do things like cleaning the apartment. With all these years I had forgotten how just how great it felt. The ability to forgive myself and to "love myself" has also been resurfacing recently. I think without it there cannot really be much of a healing.

Visited a doctor again with the eye, coughing and lack of vitamin D problems. For recovery I had specifically been taking less vitamin D than what one of the doctors had suggested. My vitamin D level had recovered very well and was back to normal. Regarding coughing, the doctor didn't see anything wrong .. so it's probably more due to the air quality in my room and less due to a flu or something. My eye was also more-or-less fine again by the time I visited the doctor. They said that an injury like that would often take more than a year to fully heal.

Had been feeling more-or-less back to normal, until my coughing became worse a few days ago. Have been lacking sleep because of this. On the mattress (which is not that old yet and I just vacuumed it), I more-or-less only suffocate (both nostrils close up and start to cough bad). Even sleeping on the floor doesn't seem to help much.

Managed to have a dream.

Dream: Cooking

I arrived at a social event of some sort, unknown place. As usual, I was early. Uninstalled boots, looked for an empty spot to hide them and walked through the corridor. Turned into the kitchen (to my right) where I found one of my aunts cooking something for the event.

She typically doesn't cook complex meals, but this time it looked rather complex. I took the chance to discuss something with her, but I somewhat failed at multitasking. I wanted to help with the cooking but messed it up by pouring the rest of the oil onto the flour. While it was indeed meant that oil would be added there, aunt asked if I had poured it on cold (probably mixed with a little bit of salty water or something) or flour.

Of course I didn't. I wouldn't have even thought that would matter. In order to remember this seemingly unintuitive detail, I started to wonder if there was some physics involved which would explain the rationale. Aunt just said "because fried onions would also go in there," which did not seem to resolve the confusion.

Judging by the complexity, it seemed as if aunt were cooking ramen or something, with custom dough. I don't think my aunts have ever made that kind of food. In any case, aunt as well as everything surrounding her was really vivid and I considered her concentration skill impressive.

Sister was also there but only half-way in the dream. I wondered if maybe I could help her but she was just taking something from the cupboard when a bunch of chopsticks fell to the floor. Woke up.

Took some tea and wrote it down. Since it's a bit later now, will retry sleep.

Scheduled: Internal struggles

A copy of some of my posts on the Discord server from Sunday.

Disclaimer: With these posts I'm not implying anything, don't worry. Just describing some of my internal struggles.
I hope that you either won't make the same mistakes or that you take the consequences into account.

For a couple of years or so, I've been feeling like I've missed my chance at life.
I used to think less of people who had a life, for their productivity and philosophical depth often seemed lower. Now I see it the other way around. All of them have homes and families, they're happy with their lives and so on. Actually I am inferior, always have been and it seems that it's too late now. Similar to what Hodgins said to Violet in Violet Evergarden (and what a former colleague also told me a while ago), my body and mind are also burning from all the past choices and actions. I used to have good health and I used to be proud of it, while at the same time I took it for granted. Used to drown sadness in studying and work. Now this body is somewhat worn and it seems that I can't work much overtime even if I wanted to.

On the other hand, I probably also would not have felt content with my life even if I had one. There would still be this longing for something beyond normal. It used to feel like whatever it was which I was longing for, was just behind the veil separating the physical and non-physical realms. However, since 2012 that's gone as well. Since then there hasn't even been anything to long for. It reminds me of continuing to play a single player game after the campaign is finished, with maybe just a few side-quests yet to be explored.

Over the years I've seen that sometimes there are things which need to be done. If I'm willing to do any of them and  when the time is right, it will be possible for me to do them. However, if I don't, then simply someone else does them (without needing any coordination on my part). Therefore, I consider myself expendable.

This is exactly what my literature teacher warned our class against and I more-or-less laughed at it. The literature teacher said:
"Ignore the political situation, lack of financial independence, lack of a house, lack of a car and get yourself a family. Then maybe start worrying about the rest."
"Postpone existential questions until retirement, or avoid these at all."

While I did not literally laugh at it, my reaction was more like "yeaah suuure /s. I've been pondering about existential questions since I was born, why should I stop now? Also, who needs a family anyway?"

Potential solution

Remembered again that the only thing which matters is the lifestyle and attitude towards everything. And even that only matters when you make it matter (so it's a part of the lifestyle and attitude). And that's also what Violet Evergarden was mostly about, at least for me.

A bunch of dreams

A bit sick (sigh, again)

On Thursday morning my left eye felt rather suspicious, so I applied some eye drops again. These only made things worse and I had to ask a colleague to take me back home from work. A short nap made things better again, though. Regardless of the problem with the left eye again, I had to visit the toilet every 20 min or so for a leak. Also had a stomach ache, a mild headache and had to clear my throat way too frequently. Probably side-effects from catching a little cold from visiting the woods the weekend prior.

Regardless, I failed to even compete with the other people on the bus. There was a lot of coughing all around me. Probably people scared of the Corona virus, I thought. I wonder if viruses also compete. That is, if a body is already infected with one virus, would the other viruses wait in the queue?

Visualized swimming in a pool of healing liquid (glowing green). Also visualized hugging worn-out bodyparts with love.

Dream: Body transforming

I was somewhere in some abandoned buildings, looking for my way out. It felt as if the body was transforming according to a beacon signal. The beacon was the sound of birds chirping in the nature (probably inspiration from the weekend in the woods).

Dream: Everything breaking down

Today morning I had a dream where I was packing for a flight to the UK (for some reason). Actually I had packed for a bus trip to the capital city, to visit grandparents.

Anyway, at some point some water pipes started leaking and I had to fix those. Then some electronics thing broke and had to fix that. Checked the time and deduced that there was no way I would make it on the bus in time. Then the ceiling lamp broke and I woke with my left eye watering in pain.

Still visited grandparents. I had some trouble trying to print out the tickets because the phone failed to download anything. Had to transfer the tickets to Google Drive and open from there.

Dream: SpaceX booster crash

I think it was yesterday that I had this dream. I was at the summerhouse when I saw something in the sky and went outside to investigate. Saw a SpaceX booster with a trail of smoke and fuel crash into the trees in the back yard.

Dream: Water reservoir

Today I took a nap and ventured further down a path than I had ever been. For some reason I had always hesitated to go there before. This time I quickly glanced at the warning signs and simply waltzed in through the open gate. There was a person (like a guardian of sorts, I think) standing at quite a distance to my left. He informed me that I had reached the water reservoir, the last thing on the edge of that realm. Fair enough, the surroundings of the water reservoir were fuzzy and only half-formed.

I could not estimate the size of the reservoir because the view was blocked by a fence to my right. I had to get closer to the edge of the reservoir to see further towards the right. However, keeping the distance was what the warning signs had been about. I did not dare to go too close. While I thought I could guesstimate the size of the reservoir, there would've been no way for me to determine the depth. I did not ask the guardian about these things, for dimensions don't hold a meaning in dreams.

Camping

I was feeling rather tired of everything last week. An old friend invited me for a chat and camping in the woods for the weekend. In addition to being tired, I had a dream of a student paying a visit to finalize their research, which made me a bit hesitant at first.

Decided to go. Eventually learned that the camping event would also involve spending a night in the woods. I don't have a tent for winter weather, nor did I have a sleeping bag suitable for such an occasion. Luckily there was still enough time to visit a hiking store to buy a sleeping bag for winter. Also had some time to stock up on lightweight food, get home, pack my bags. The friend called me just when I had finished packing. Booted, and by the time I got downstairs, I saw him pull over. Unrealistically perfect timing with everything.

Somehow I had managed to pack enough food for maybe a week, whereas we only stayed there for about 1.5 days. It made me happier that considering the lack of time for planning and the quick packing, I had managed to pack everything necessary.

Quite a bit of physical exercise which I had been missing for more than a year. Got to saw, haul wooden logs, drag branches and chop them. This livened me up considerably. At some point dragging branches over all the fallen trees in the dark became somewhat tiring. The branches became stuck again and I tried to wiggle them out, then stopped to catch my breath for a moment. Felt like someone helped (thought it was one of the other guys at the camp) and the branches suddenly became unstuck. Looked behind me but I couldn't see anyone who could've helped.

The evening was rather humid, and it froze over. Encountered a thought "you'll get pneumonia again if you don't wake up". Woke up and it was about 3:30 AM. Hauled some more wood, took a couple of quick naps at the bonfire, went back and slept until 9 AM. Felt really good, left the sleeping bag, took a hand saw, tackled some challenging logs and hauled these.

Joked about taking down a thick and tall tree which had dried out but was still standing. The other guys were not really amused. Took the tiny axe and started pecking at the tree. At least it looked like a tree from afar but in reality its base was so rotten that there was barely anything holding it upright. It was a wonder it was still standing after all the storms which had wreaked havoc all around it. A few axe hits later, the tree tipped in roughly the direction I had aimed it for. Apparently the base of the tree was rotten, whereas most of the tree was still solid. There was another half-rotten tree which we cut and used up for the bonfire. Both caught my attention and seemed to have nagged me as if they had been waiting for me there.

We left quite exhausted but I think it only hit me today how awesome it actually was. While a bit tired, I've been feeling amazing today.

Retracing steps vs. map

Vitamin D has most definitely helped to recover the immune system. There has been only one morning with eye burn since I started taking Vitamin D, and even that morning was when I had forgotten to take it the day prior. I think the air humidifier has also helped a bit.

There was still a disease nibbling at the immune system, which caused sneezing and bleeding in my left nostril but perhaps only made the left eye itch a little.

I've been having issues with emotions, desires and expectations, probably due to lack of meditation and pranayama practice. A few weeks ago I visualized the struggle as a memory from when I was little.

I was in the sea with a swimming ring but I had drifted a little too far away from the shore and the wind pushing me away from the shore was too strong for me to swim against. I tried as hard as I could, until I got tired and just gave up. The water was several meters deep and I wasn't comfortable letting go of the ring, either. Some older swimmers saved me.

Anyway, this time regarding the struggle with emotions and desires, the subconscious mind told me to stand up in the water. When I did, I realized that the water was barely up to the knees. Absolutely nothing to be worried about.

Dreams

A couple of nights ago, I had yet another dream of climbing a cliff. I looked around for places to grab from, in order to get further towards the right, for it seemed that it would be easier to reach the top from there. I couldn't find any places to grab from, looked down and asked from the friend at my left: "Perhaps it would be easier to climb down and climb up again from the right?" They told me to forget it and to keep looking for a way, for there definitely had to be at least one. I looked around again and found plenty of places to grab from, which had been so well hidden that pretty much anyone would have missed them. Suddenly climbing had become a lot easier.

Also a couple of nights ago I had an interesting dream. I was walking the streets somewhere in Russia but got lost. There was a little girl from whom I asked for a map. Struggled with my Russian language skills but she took me to a computer at her apartment. While I was checking the map, her mom came home and I had to explain why I was in their apartment. At least with her mom I could speak in English. We sat down and I started trying to recall how I had ended up at the place. While doing so, I think I suddenly realized how I had ended up there, and the dream ended before I could tell the story. I had simply forgotten the rest of the dream due to becoming conscious half-way through.

One of the dreams was related to the disease nibbling at the immune system. Typical dream of sneaking into enemy territory, being spotted and then hiding or escaping because guns typically don't work in dreams. It has been a while since the last time I successfully used invisibility but it worked and I managed to hide from those guys.

The dreams of over-unity generators have been related to kundalini, I think. Quite weak but considering the struggle with emotions and desires, I think it's for the better.

Detachment: No you won't

On Tuesday evening I got the feeling that a specific member on that Discord server had died. Tried to help her pass on in my mind, and went to bed.

The next morning it felt like that member was alive. I failed to find any particular details which could've indicated a parallel realm. So, in the end I was just left confused as to what happened.

Detachment

While walking to the bus station on Thursday morning, I decided that all the unnecessary burden was a bit too much. Detached from everything. The moment I did, my left eye started to hurt and water. A bit further and I couldn't go on. Installed glasses to keep the wind away from the tears. This helped me go a bit further but eventually had to stop and rest the eyes before I could move on. Through a practice of willpower and concentration (I noticed that whenever I applied both, I could temporarily force through) I made it to the bus station. Applied eye drops against inflammation. They didn't help. Waited a bit for things to improve but things gradually only became worse.

Decided to turn around and go back home. Had to greet an acquaintance on the way which I found a bit embarrassing. Struggled hard to keep one of my eyes open for periods long enough not to be run over by a car or bicycle, and to avoid bumping into other people (or streetlamps posts). Took breaks every now and then. The longest break I took at the beach and in my mind's eye that's the spot where I left the burden.

Eventually made it back home. None of the old tricks helped and things only got worse until Sunday morning. Again an inflammation of the left eye with a fever. There was a constant pain with periodic nerve pain and spasms on top. Standing or sitting pose with both eyes closed was the most comfortable. Any tilting of the head caused the pain to ramp up.

Edit: Due to the timing of it all (missed a family Christmas party), I was forced to tell my grandparents (and thus the whole family) about it. This made them worry about me, calling me every day, asking for a status report. This, however, is the main reason why I haven't told them about previous health issues.

Desire to sleep

The pain was a bit too much for me to just go and face it right away. Tried to find ways to sleep without laying down. In that I failed. After about two sleepless nights like that, I wasn't able to hold my head up while sitting (kept falling asleep only to wake a split-second later in pain again). I became aware that the almost constant darkness, pain (and probably fever, too) were starting to get on my mental health. In my mind's eye I was already experiencing 3-4 left eyes having pain in different places.

Eventually I had to face the pain and "enjoy" it for long enough to become used to it so that I could at least sleep for a couple of hours or so. While quite a feat by my personal standards (especially since the pain was beyond anything I had experienced before), this was a breakthrough.

OBE: Playing four

I was "playing a game" of being 2 male and 2 female people somewhere in the dark alleys of maybe Tokyo or someplace similar. These people had no past nor any future. They were just there without knowing anything about where or why they had come from, what they were doing there and so on. All of them were in separate places and it was their interactions with other people which for some odd reason I considered to be of interest. While I only "saw" their shadows, I think they were all dressed in trench coats and shoes similar to what was in fashion in the 30s.

Different perspective

"What kind of a sick fantasy is this," I thought and woke up into pain and darkness. I could not remember who or where I was, or why I was where I was and I could not open my eyes. It took me some minutes to regain my memories again. It could have been that some of the body was still asleep and the memory was still cold-booting.

Went on the pilgrimage to wash my left eye with fresh water (as opposed to applying eye drops) and take some tea. While the trip was painful, I found myself more-or-less content with my life (in comparison to the sick excuse of a dream I had woken from). It is actually possible that a part of the pain was from over-usage of the eye medicine which did not work due to fever.

Once I got back to my bed, I thought I could see the spot of pain on the pillow. "A concentrate of pain," I thought, and realized that a pretty flower can only grow from a good (well-balanced) soil. While probably possible through a lot of effort, a pretty flower could be grown on a bad soil, it would be a waste of resources. Asceticism had suddenly lost its glare.

It also occurred to me that nowadays the fundamental physics is built on the assumption that charges must be in balance for things to be stable. However, if we assume that this universe or multiverse allows for mutually exclusive things to be true simultaneously, then such an assumption might not hold. It could be that some charges are properties of one universe, whereas some other are properties of another, etc. Or perhaps some of them are a part of the underlying structure supporting the universe whereas the others are a part of this universe. Will not try to elaborate on this here too much. Will just note down that the idea spawned from an assumption of a finite universe within an infinite one.

Healing

Decided to reduce the pain by actively focusing on relaxing the eye and the nerve strands which were tensed up due to inflammation. Laid back in the concentrate of pain and started going nerve through nerve, trying to relax the eye. Got half of the eye back to normal and managed to sleep some. Then continued the work. It took 3 iterations like that, with the far corner of the eye taking a bit longer.

But at least now I could open my left eye without mopping the floor (or soaking the blanket or pillow) with all the water that came out.

It made me really happy and a bit proud also (for once, healing was actually useful and worked).

Clairvoyance

Since I was practically blind for several days, I used the opportunity to improve seeing with without the eyes.

While it did work occasionally, and sometimes it worked beyond my expectations, there were also cases when it did not work or worked but did not produce any useful results. Quite often, the skill provided at least some persistence between quick glances of the surroundings.

Some observations:

1. With the point of view being from a random place (and sometimes changed between consecutive attempts), it was sometimes difficult to assess the distance to objects (and grab them with my hand).
2. Sometimes the view was not aligned to the body (I was standing at an angle to what I saw). This got me really confused and I managed to get lost in my own room.
3. Sometimes I saw things morph around or look different from how they were in reality. For example, I saw my feet stretched out when in reality they were not.
4. A sudden change from a dark room to a well lit room dispelled the skill. Things seemed to have worked better in dark rooms and hallways, but maybe also because of the signals from the physical eyes confusing the brain.
5. Regardless of how clear and detailed was the vision, I did not see all objects. In particular, I think I mostly saw objects which I had interacted with the most. For example, I could see my mug and a box of cookies on the kitchen table but completely miss the bag of cat's biscuits right behind the mug.
6. Sometimes I saw light shining through gaps or cracks which I would have found difficult to see with my regular eyes because of it being really faint.
7. In some places I saw some kind of glowing objects. One such object was attached to a corner of the blanket. I could only see it with my eyes closed but not with any of my eyes open.

Based on some other experiments with consciousness and its features, several of the issues with clairvoyance seem to stem from using a very powerful tool without properly configuring it first. Seeing with one's eyes closed is a rather simple use case for conscious shaping of one's consciousness density function.

Edit: Forgot something important. A couple of cases which I personally found interesting.

After applying eye drops (in a tiny bottle), I tried to put the bottle back to its place. In doing so, I used my left arm in a somewhat inconvenient pose (horizontally beyond my head which was on the other side of the back of a chair). Once I accidentally dropped the bottle. I managed to catch it before it reached the floor, without seeing it. And even if I had somehow seen it, I would have probably still missed it because of the inconvenient pose of my arm which would have messed up the whole motorics coordination. However, somehow such a feat was possible.

Once I was trying to reach a tissue on the floor. I had not paid any attention to where I had left it, so I was somewhat surprised to see (with my eyes closed) that it was far away from the others. Without opening my eyes I picked it up and it was actually there.

Shop visit

I had consumed almost everything consumable in the fridge. Went to the shop to buy something more. Felt really weird, but I guess that can happen after being blind for about a week. For one, I had to re-learn how to walk normally. The shop with all the people and signs was surprisingly overwhelming (even though I knew it would be).

I noticed that for once I relied more on intuition than on eyesight. I suspected that I had broken the plastic bag and instead of shrugging it off I went through the effort to determine where it was that I had broken the bag. This confirmed that I had indeed broken the bag without noticing it. While I wasn't aware of it at first, I somehow had another bag in the jacket pocket so I distributed the load.

Got to a traffic light and instinctively started walking towards the button even though the lights were already green. Later it turned out that I could only make it halfway across the crossing (intuition was right again).

Rewind

Remembered an interesting class of entities which I think I encountered sometime last week while attempting remote-healing on a depressed person on the Discord server. A dark bug-like thing which carried a specific kind of negative emotions. I think I forgot the emotion by the end of the healing attempt. When I focused on the bug, it started crawling around rather quickly, trying to escape from my mind's eye. The longer I managed to maintain my focus on the bug, the smaller it became along with the emotion which it carried. The person had two of these pestering them, both roughly the size of my palm. Chasing the bugs without letting the mind wander was a good concentration practice.

During the weekend I stumbled upon a video clip with the symbols of transformation.

Went to bed and experienced waves of heat rising "up" (actually sideways) the spine. Guided these waves with a bit of focus. Eventually started to see hypnagogic imagery of my mummified body tissues gradually becoming more and more alive again. At first it seemed a bit gross to see my body as a mummy.

Dream: Rewind

I was in the middle of a city of some sort. Looked like present time, with some skyscrapers and with most buildings made out of glass walls.

I wondered if my concentration was enough for a history lesson. Started rewinding time. The familiar "sound", or rather the feeling of accelerated flow through me which has been common to all prior similar experiences.

Skyscrapers disappeared, buildings changed, to eventually reveal a low mountain range in the distance. While I did get a little farther (volcanic rocks, volcanic activity, then something about some kind of "winds"), the experience deterioriated rather quickly.

As expected, my concentration was still not sufficient.