During the past few days I've been seeing power surges (lamps suddenly flicking brighter and then returning to normal). It wasn't just me seeing them, another colleague also stared at the lamps with a disapproving look.
People have been leaving that Discord server left and right, without saying anything. It hurts the ego but improves detachment.
Mind has been becoming a bit more clouded again and tensions within the body have been creeping back. While there has been less tummo, I've at least gotten more actual sleep.
100th anniversary of the national university. Went to see the march. Took photos but due to the lack of light and motion (large ISO and low exposure time), they don't look too good. At the last stop of the march, there was an art installation with animations projected onto the wall of the ruins of the cathedral. It looked awesome.
I had not accounted for the whole event lasting this long and was not dressed accordingly. Shivered a lot, and tried to make the body produce more heat with a breathing exercise. At least it was more-or-less uniformly cold, so I don't think there would be a body part protesting against such abuse.
The sound and animations were so good sometimes that I got shivers and goosebumps which unfortunately was the last thing I was looking for in the cold. Overall, the animations were about the history of the university. It was a pleasant surprise that a project with my contribution was also shown as part of the national history.
Once the show was over, I avoided shops with hot drinks and ran a bit to improve the blood circulation again. Not sure but a hot drink might've caused a thermal gradient across the organs which could've been more harmful?
Saturday, November 30, 2019
Wednesday, November 27, 2019
Triangular contraption
Replaced the sheets and managed to get 7 hours of sleep last night, yay. Shall describe one of the dreams in the subsection below.
Today I've been feeling rather tired. At some moment also felt very uncomfortable at work. Sat through the feeling, some tension was released and a wave of heat raised up the body, starting from the stomach / abdomen.
Mentioned in the comment of the prior post that I met another friend while I took the packages back from the lab at "X". He was trying to get a Chinese motor controller working. A lot of messing with the wiring, and then the motor swayed to one side, then to the other and so on, due to the periodic switching of polarity.
There was some kind of a science experiments / electronics gadgets competition and for some reason I was in the committee. There was a stage, chairs for the audience and the auditorium was surrounded in a black cloth.
The first person to demonstrate his work was a former colleague and a friend. From the looks of it, he had built it on a whim, with a single night. I think it had some kind of a triangle and a circular / elliptical electromagnetic coil at one of the corners. Instead of really demonstrating it, he just handed it over and told us to power it.
We did, but it didn't seem to be working. I did notice that some of the stuff on the table started resonating with his device, dissipating the energy which I thought the device was supposed to accumulate. So we cleared the table of irrelevant things.
When I looked back, I think the triangular object had replaced with something which looked like an aeroplane gyroscope with its motor + some driver circuits. Fairly typical of dreams - things morph into something else when you're not locking them with constant attention. When I looked back at the power supply, it had replaced with a rack containing a signal generator and a power amplifier.
After switching it on at the resonant frequency and cranking up the power a little, the device started spinning / oscillating with an increasing frequency. Different nearby objects occasionally got into resonance with the device but these objects were now far enough not to dampen the oscillations of the device itself. I think this device, too (like in almost all similar dreams), started drawing more power from the amplifier than what I had turned via the knob.
I half-expected it to keep going until the device itself, the power amplifier or the signal generator blew their fuse. However, to my surprise the system stabilized just before it reached the limits of the setup and I think it became self-sustaining.
The first experiment and I was already so amazed that I would have given the maximum points.
Today I've been feeling rather tired. At some moment also felt very uncomfortable at work. Sat through the feeling, some tension was released and a wave of heat raised up the body, starting from the stomach / abdomen.
Mentioned in the comment of the prior post that I met another friend while I took the packages back from the lab at "X". He was trying to get a Chinese motor controller working. A lot of messing with the wiring, and then the motor swayed to one side, then to the other and so on, due to the periodic switching of polarity.
Dream: Competition
There was some kind of a science experiments / electronics gadgets competition and for some reason I was in the committee. There was a stage, chairs for the audience and the auditorium was surrounded in a black cloth.
The first person to demonstrate his work was a former colleague and a friend. From the looks of it, he had built it on a whim, with a single night. I think it had some kind of a triangle and a circular / elliptical electromagnetic coil at one of the corners. Instead of really demonstrating it, he just handed it over and told us to power it.
We did, but it didn't seem to be working. I did notice that some of the stuff on the table started resonating with his device, dissipating the energy which I thought the device was supposed to accumulate. So we cleared the table of irrelevant things.
When I looked back, I think the triangular object had replaced with something which looked like an aeroplane gyroscope with its motor + some driver circuits. Fairly typical of dreams - things morph into something else when you're not locking them with constant attention. When I looked back at the power supply, it had replaced with a rack containing a signal generator and a power amplifier.
After switching it on at the resonant frequency and cranking up the power a little, the device started spinning / oscillating with an increasing frequency. Different nearby objects occasionally got into resonance with the device but these objects were now far enough not to dampen the oscillations of the device itself. I think this device, too (like in almost all similar dreams), started drawing more power from the amplifier than what I had turned via the knob.
I half-expected it to keep going until the device itself, the power amplifier or the signal generator blew their fuse. However, to my surprise the system stabilized just before it reached the limits of the setup and I think it became self-sustaining.
The first experiment and I was already so amazed that I would have given the maximum points.
Tuesday, November 26, 2019
Minor stuff
.. which I wanted to post so that I would not forget them.
A ceiling lamp at the canteen has given way again. Lighting effects like Akira, Elfen Lied or some horror show. However, I haven't been sitting at that spot very often because it's right next to the door to the patio and it's cold there during the autumn / winter season.
On Monday, a couple of packages arrived at the institute. No recipient name, just a phone number. The phone number belonged to a friend of mine, so I contacted him. Or rather, it was his old phone number when he used to work at a place X.
He said there's no way he ordered anything, and seemed a bit unsettled about it. And to be honest, it would not make sense for him to ship it to our address (he has never worked there).
I agreed to take the packages to X, if they had somehow indeed managed to order electronic components using an old account and somehow had them shipped to a totally different address. I was pleasantly surprised that my card opened all the doors and I could lay the packages on the table like a ... well .. whatever. There were two girls there who knew nothing about any package orders.
It nagged me, though, that I kind of like remember this friend asking me if it was okay to order something and have it shipped to the institute. But the memory seems blurry as if he asked that in a dream. I remember saying "yeah, sure" but I don't remember what it was or why it would've been good to have it shipped to the institute. Dream logic is often like that .. absurd.
Or maybe my mind is just looking for some kind of a supernatural connection while there is a simple and reasonable explanation. Dunno, and that's why I wanted to log it here for future reference.
A ceiling lamp at the canteen has given way again. Lighting effects like Akira, Elfen Lied or some horror show. However, I haven't been sitting at that spot very often because it's right next to the door to the patio and it's cold there during the autumn / winter season.
Mystery packages
On Monday, a couple of packages arrived at the institute. No recipient name, just a phone number. The phone number belonged to a friend of mine, so I contacted him. Or rather, it was his old phone number when he used to work at a place X.
He said there's no way he ordered anything, and seemed a bit unsettled about it. And to be honest, it would not make sense for him to ship it to our address (he has never worked there).
I agreed to take the packages to X, if they had somehow indeed managed to order electronic components using an old account and somehow had them shipped to a totally different address. I was pleasantly surprised that my card opened all the doors and I could lay the packages on the table like a ... well .. whatever. There were two girls there who knew nothing about any package orders.
It nagged me, though, that I kind of like remember this friend asking me if it was okay to order something and have it shipped to the institute. But the memory seems blurry as if he asked that in a dream. I remember saying "yeah, sure" but I don't remember what it was or why it would've been good to have it shipped to the institute. Dream logic is often like that .. absurd.
Or maybe my mind is just looking for some kind of a supernatural connection while there is a simple and reasonable explanation. Dunno, and that's why I wanted to log it here for future reference.
Feng-palm
With these realizations occurring, tension loosened and waves of heat engulfed more of the chest. Smaller issues burned and let the fire spread further. However, with the more significant blockages gone (consequence of the realizations), prana could make its way from the tail up to the top of the head.
Last night it took me a while to fall asleep because of the heat and the constant release and burning of old thoughts, thought patterns, emotions. I would fall asleep and then startle awake for hours.
Eventually I did fall asleep but had sleep paralysis. I was in bed, couldn't move .. at first I just laid there. Then at some point the cat came next to my bed, I think. I think it was the cat, because its presence reminded me of the cat. But this creature made the sound of a large old dog panting while staring at me in the bed. Then a cat's paw creeped up to the blanket but I think that was my imagination because the dog did not move nor did its sound change .. and the cat was not really there. I tried to rise and check the dog but only ended up waking my body again.
The same heat, constant release and burning of thoughts. And, of course, the constant sound of "flames roaring up the chimney" (central channel).
Managed to fall asleep again. Someone came, pointed at the bed and showed what a mess it was. I wouldn't have cared much because I was tired, but regardless, I looked at it as well. It looked like a pile of garbage. This someone asked if I had even noticed the worms crawling around. I hadn't, and still couldn't see any .. but while cleaning the bed a bit, I found that underneath the matress there were literally old garbage bags still waiting when they'd be thrown out. Well, I guess the Feng Shui of my bed could be improved a notch (Feng Shui failure aka feng-palm?).
Checked the time, it was less than 2 AM (had gone to bed at 11 PM). After that, I failed at each and every dice roll for sleep. Well, I would have probably gotten some sleep if I didn't have to wake so early.
Last night it took me a while to fall asleep because of the heat and the constant release and burning of old thoughts, thought patterns, emotions. I would fall asleep and then startle awake for hours.
Dream: Dog-Cat
Eventually I did fall asleep but had sleep paralysis. I was in bed, couldn't move .. at first I just laid there. Then at some point the cat came next to my bed, I think. I think it was the cat, because its presence reminded me of the cat. But this creature made the sound of a large old dog panting while staring at me in the bed. Then a cat's paw creeped up to the blanket but I think that was my imagination because the dog did not move nor did its sound change .. and the cat was not really there. I tried to rise and check the dog but only ended up waking my body again.
The same heat, constant release and burning of thoughts. And, of course, the constant sound of "flames roaring up the chimney" (central channel).
Dream: Feng-palm
Managed to fall asleep again. Someone came, pointed at the bed and showed what a mess it was. I wouldn't have cared much because I was tired, but regardless, I looked at it as well. It looked like a pile of garbage. This someone asked if I had even noticed the worms crawling around. I hadn't, and still couldn't see any .. but while cleaning the bed a bit, I found that underneath the matress there were literally old garbage bags still waiting when they'd be thrown out. Well, I guess the Feng Shui of my bed could be improved a notch (Feng Shui failure aka feng-palm?).
Checked the time, it was less than 2 AM (had gone to bed at 11 PM). After that, I failed at each and every dice roll for sleep. Well, I would have probably gotten some sleep if I didn't have to wake so early.
Act
A follow-up of the prior post.
There were some more realizations which came out of the heart chakra, but the two I considered more relevant.
In addition to the realization about my being there in that Discord server, I had previously also unraveled another issue which had bothered me for years. The issue of not belonging in this society (of either having been born too early or too late) but being forced to infiltrate it in order to get any closer to the goals in life. While doing so, the whole life becomes like a stage of fake acting while maintaining the patience throughout life that "one day can work on what I've always wanted to work on". The rest of the society loves to feed on that patience and hope. It tries everything it can to redirect the ambitions and convert them into something temporarily useful for itself.
Another side of this is that when something actually does hit close to the ambition, it develops at a superhuman rate. It can easily happen that one realizes they've gone beyond the line of what is considered mankind's limit and that they are truly alone -- nobody has even followed them. It might even be that just a person or two find the way in a few centuries to come.
On one hand, it might seem like a good idea to turn back and rejoin the rest of mankind, it will eventually still make one restless. It's way too dull and it's not what they were born for.
On the other hand, it might seem like a good idea to turn their back on the rest of mankind and simply continue their path. First, it's probably a rather lonely path, but it's also quite easy to lose the way or start going in circles because nobody has really set any landmarks before.
This seemed like a really difficult problem to solve. However, at some point it simply occurred to me that there probably wouldn't be a solution within the next few centuries, if ever. If it does not have a solution, then it's not a problem and I don't have to worry about it at all.
There were some more realizations which came out of the heart chakra, but the two I considered more relevant.
The issue of misfit
In addition to the realization about my being there in that Discord server, I had previously also unraveled another issue which had bothered me for years. The issue of not belonging in this society (of either having been born too early or too late) but being forced to infiltrate it in order to get any closer to the goals in life. While doing so, the whole life becomes like a stage of fake acting while maintaining the patience throughout life that "one day can work on what I've always wanted to work on". The rest of the society loves to feed on that patience and hope. It tries everything it can to redirect the ambitions and convert them into something temporarily useful for itself.
The issue of pioneers
Another side of this is that when something actually does hit close to the ambition, it develops at a superhuman rate. It can easily happen that one realizes they've gone beyond the line of what is considered mankind's limit and that they are truly alone -- nobody has even followed them. It might even be that just a person or two find the way in a few centuries to come.
On one hand, it might seem like a good idea to turn back and rejoin the rest of mankind, it will eventually still make one restless. It's way too dull and it's not what they were born for.
On the other hand, it might seem like a good idea to turn their back on the rest of mankind and simply continue their path. First, it's probably a rather lonely path, but it's also quite easy to lose the way or start going in circles because nobody has really set any landmarks before.
This seemed like a really difficult problem to solve. However, at some point it simply occurred to me that there probably wouldn't be a solution within the next few centuries, if ever. If it does not have a solution, then it's not a problem and I don't have to worry about it at all.
Filling the blanks
I had set myself a goal to overcome the health issue with my lungs and heart, and to get back on the spiritual track by my birthday. I missed the goal and got sick right after my birthday. The prior posts were about the recovery.
Anyway, last Monday I took two cakes to work. Fell sick before I got to the second cake, so it had to wait for a week. Yesterday I just forgot to take the cake back home. Today marked exactly 1 week past its expiry date. I was a bit sad that I had failed to share the cake, but I also didn't want to share a cake that's a whole week past expiry. Regardless, a couple of former colleagues decided to take the risk and take some slices too. I hope it was okay .. well, for me it was but that's a whole different scale. Finished the cake, which was a relief.
Well, actually it would not have been a waste in any case even if it had gone bad. A box of chocolate candy with brandy filling was a perfect demonstration of that. I don't even remember what was the occasion but I remember accepting it even though I knew there would be nobody to eat them, for I don't want to consume things which contain alcohol. Decided to open up the package while I was ill (hey, dizzy anyway so who cares, right .. right?). It was crawling with worms. The worms seemed happy. This made me feel happy, for nature never really lets anything go to waste.
On Sunday evening I thought I would try a new video game or something (have a long list of good games I've never played). Uncle called for minor financial support. Booted Windows, made the transfer. Windows Updates. I particularly enjoyed the progress bar with percentage going up to 70% and from there on to 68%, then to 67%, after which it rebooted back into Linux several times.
The 1 hour which I had considered to use up for gaming, had been used up for the Windows update. Though, it was all nice and dandy because it forced me to work on my goal (had to be healthy for work on Monday) and meditate.
In the meantime, Windows had finished its updates, so I nudged the cat off my lotus pose and resumed the warmup of this squeaky seat behind the keyboard. All hell had broken loose on the Discord server. Sloppily ironed it out more-or-less, and went to bed. Had a difficulty getting my mind off of it. Focusing on my breath did not work all that well, either, because new stuff kept coming to mind. It was stuff seeping out of the heart chakra with which I had had trouble throughout the past few years. Then suddenly it occurred to me why I was on that server in the first place. I had always thought that since leaving would be painful, that would be exactly what I'd have to do. But then others did it using my long-planned method, thwarting all my evil plans. I don't really feel like I belong there, similar to how I don't feel like I belong anywhere, really. So, the server had just been taking up my time and my addiction to it somewhat getting on my nerves. Well, I realized that that's exactly the reason of me being there - it makes it more difficult to concentrate. By practising concentration while letting the server distract it, I might make better progress than without the server.
Anyway, last Monday I took two cakes to work. Fell sick before I got to the second cake, so it had to wait for a week. Yesterday I just forgot to take the cake back home. Today marked exactly 1 week past its expiry date. I was a bit sad that I had failed to share the cake, but I also didn't want to share a cake that's a whole week past expiry. Regardless, a couple of former colleagues decided to take the risk and take some slices too. I hope it was okay .. well, for me it was but that's a whole different scale. Finished the cake, which was a relief.
Well, actually it would not have been a waste in any case even if it had gone bad. A box of chocolate candy with brandy filling was a perfect demonstration of that. I don't even remember what was the occasion but I remember accepting it even though I knew there would be nobody to eat them, for I don't want to consume things which contain alcohol. Decided to open up the package while I was ill (hey, dizzy anyway so who cares, right .. right?). It was crawling with worms. The worms seemed happy. This made me feel happy, for nature never really lets anything go to waste.
On Sunday evening I thought I would try a new video game or something (have a long list of good games I've never played). Uncle called for minor financial support. Booted Windows, made the transfer. Windows Updates. I particularly enjoyed the progress bar with percentage going up to 70% and from there on to 68%, then to 67%, after which it rebooted back into Linux several times.
The 1 hour which I had considered to use up for gaming, had been used up for the Windows update. Though, it was all nice and dandy because it forced me to work on my goal (had to be healthy for work on Monday) and meditate.
In the meantime, Windows had finished its updates, so I nudged the cat off my lotus pose and resumed the warmup of this squeaky seat behind the keyboard. All hell had broken loose on the Discord server. Sloppily ironed it out more-or-less, and went to bed. Had a difficulty getting my mind off of it. Focusing on my breath did not work all that well, either, because new stuff kept coming to mind. It was stuff seeping out of the heart chakra with which I had had trouble throughout the past few years. Then suddenly it occurred to me why I was on that server in the first place. I had always thought that since leaving would be painful, that would be exactly what I'd have to do. But then others did it using my long-planned method, thwarting all my evil plans. I don't really feel like I belong there, similar to how I don't feel like I belong anywhere, really. So, the server had just been taking up my time and my addiction to it somewhat getting on my nerves. Well, I realized that that's exactly the reason of me being there - it makes it more difficult to concentrate. By practising concentration while letting the server distract it, I might make better progress than without the server.
Thursday, November 21, 2019
Alt dreams
Eh, it seems I've forgotten some of the dreams while waiting for the opportunity to utilize my wonderful spheres of vision and fingers of graceful code in order to convert the memories into records.
On Saturday had a chat with Dad and he referenced some rumors regarding Mt. Kailash. I looked up some pictures of it and found that it's a common destination for pilgrimages.
In one of the dreams I climbed some kind of a mountain which was just next to a large water body. It was early morning and the weather was nice and calm. Eventually made it to a plateau with some welcoming tablets with information for people on a pilgrimage. Contrary to my expectations, the plateau was packed with people, so I poofed.
Have forgotten what this dream was about, but it took place at the summerhouse. A happy family kind of a dream. What I do remember is that I realized I could float around without effort again. A typical milestone in these kinds of dreams is the ability to open doors without "stepping off the nimbus" at the doorsteps.
I was walking towards home from some odd direction (I thought I was coming from school or something). It was early morning, around the time of sunrise (no idea about the season). The sky was clear, the air was still and it was nice and quiet. Everything about the environment was very vivid. I heard the sound of wet asphalt under my boots, I felt the slightly cool air on my skin. I think I was wearing brown coat and had a brown shoulder bag.
Everything seemed real as far as I could tell, except for the fact that I felt completely at peace.
I was about to cross a road between two apartment blocks when I noticed a car approaching from my left. I considered waiting for the car to pass (my usual behavior) but on a whim decided to float into the air and let the car pass by from underneath.
I think it was a dark red car with nothing particular about it. There was a lady in her 50s or 60s driving it with no other life forms in the car. She had the driver side window down to vent the smoke from her cigarette. Right after I had floated over her car, she stopped the car diagonally across the road and let out a whistle of surprise.
I tried to wave to her but the roof of the car blocked the view. It was a kind of wave with the hand below my feet, attempting to reach low enough that she might see it from one of the passenger windows but I didn't think it worked.
Descended for a moment without touching the ground and took up both speed and altitude in the general direction of my home (or so I thought). While at it, I could hear her footsteps following me at a distance. While flying up at greater speed, I think the realism of the experience faltered. I wanted to experience the cool breeze a bit more, so my coat vanished and I continued flying with just a t-shirt flapping around in the wind.
Woke up a bit disoriented. It was about 3 AM, dark, cloudy and wet outside. Took a small amount of TheraFlu.
On Saturday had a chat with Dad and he referenced some rumors regarding Mt. Kailash. I looked up some pictures of it and found that it's a common destination for pilgrimages.
Dream: Waterside mountain
In one of the dreams I climbed some kind of a mountain which was just next to a large water body. It was early morning and the weather was nice and calm. Eventually made it to a plateau with some welcoming tablets with information for people on a pilgrimage. Contrary to my expectations, the plateau was packed with people, so I poofed.
Dream: ...
Have forgotten what this dream was about, but it took place at the summerhouse. A happy family kind of a dream. What I do remember is that I realized I could float around without effort again. A typical milestone in these kinds of dreams is the ability to open doors without "stepping off the nimbus" at the doorsteps.
Dream / OBE: That awkward wave
I was walking towards home from some odd direction (I thought I was coming from school or something). It was early morning, around the time of sunrise (no idea about the season). The sky was clear, the air was still and it was nice and quiet. Everything about the environment was very vivid. I heard the sound of wet asphalt under my boots, I felt the slightly cool air on my skin. I think I was wearing brown coat and had a brown shoulder bag.
Everything seemed real as far as I could tell, except for the fact that I felt completely at peace.
I was about to cross a road between two apartment blocks when I noticed a car approaching from my left. I considered waiting for the car to pass (my usual behavior) but on a whim decided to float into the air and let the car pass by from underneath.
I think it was a dark red car with nothing particular about it. There was a lady in her 50s or 60s driving it with no other life forms in the car. She had the driver side window down to vent the smoke from her cigarette. Right after I had floated over her car, she stopped the car diagonally across the road and let out a whistle of surprise.
I tried to wave to her but the roof of the car blocked the view. It was a kind of wave with the hand below my feet, attempting to reach low enough that she might see it from one of the passenger windows but I didn't think it worked.
Descended for a moment without touching the ground and took up both speed and altitude in the general direction of my home (or so I thought). While at it, I could hear her footsteps following me at a distance. While flying up at greater speed, I think the realism of the experience faltered. I wanted to experience the cool breeze a bit more, so my coat vanished and I continued flying with just a t-shirt flapping around in the wind.
Woke up a bit disoriented. It was about 3 AM, dark, cloudy and wet outside. Took a small amount of TheraFlu.
Alt pastimes
Yay, another flu, apparently. Yesterday could not keep the eyes peeled for more than a minute at a time. Today it doesn't seem to be too much of a problem anymore, but I detect a barely noticeable headache and a fever.
Anyway, a difference which I noticed this time regarding the eye pain. The rear side of the eye hurt instead of the front. The last time I had this issue I had not tried to heal the rear side because that did not hurt.
Since Monday I've minimized the off-work time I spend at the computer screen. But since there are very few things which can be done without a computer screen nowadays, I spent the time sitting, meditating or sleeping.
As has often been the case for me, meditation comes with side-effects. Some of the bodily tensions were released with jolts of pain running through the body. I found it interesting that some of the outbursts of pain followed the model of a regular dampened oscillator. A form of prana flow reached the head and it made the body feel even more at ease.
Sometimes when I closed my eyes, I saw a white vertical column with what looked like heatwaves coming off from its sides. Another image which occurred to me was of an object at room temperature but with a shield of red flames surrounding it on one side. The flames kept a distance from the object, mimicking its shape.
Another side-effect of the meditation was flashbacks of memories and feelings from early childhood, which re-instilled some enthusiasm.
Yet another side-effect was a difference in dreams.
Anyway, a difference which I noticed this time regarding the eye pain. The rear side of the eye hurt instead of the front. The last time I had this issue I had not tried to heal the rear side because that did not hurt.
Since Monday I've minimized the off-work time I spend at the computer screen. But since there are very few things which can be done without a computer screen nowadays, I spent the time sitting, meditating or sleeping.
As has often been the case for me, meditation comes with side-effects. Some of the bodily tensions were released with jolts of pain running through the body. I found it interesting that some of the outbursts of pain followed the model of a regular dampened oscillator. A form of prana flow reached the head and it made the body feel even more at ease.
Sometimes when I closed my eyes, I saw a white vertical column with what looked like heatwaves coming off from its sides. Another image which occurred to me was of an object at room temperature but with a shield of red flames surrounding it on one side. The flames kept a distance from the object, mimicking its shape.
Another side-effect of the meditation was flashbacks of memories and feelings from early childhood, which re-instilled some enthusiasm.
Yet another side-effect was a difference in dreams.
Tuesday, November 19, 2019
Monthly humiliation
I would not have thought I was that weak. Earned a monthly dose of humiliation today.
On Monday morning, I had to wake up 3 times to battle pain in the eye. My condolences to all the pincushions out there, I feel you. Had some trouble keeping the eyes open while waiting for the bus but the rest of the day was bearable. So, I spent the free hours of Monday evening meditating and sleeping instead of staring at the computer screen.
Slept nicely today morning and felt better. Went to work and all hell broke loose. Installed some eye drops and endured until the lunch.
Then suddenly I was pouring a lake on the canteen desk and could no longer keep my eyes open. Kept blowing my nose, too, for it's rude and disgusting. It was a real challenge to eat the salad, but even more of a challenge to eat the dessert while listening to a former colleague describing issues from one of the spacecraft for which he's providing services.
After what seemed like forever, I had to somehow force through it to maneuver through the canteen desks full of people, carrying the dishes. I was lucky - did not have to close my eyes nor did I let anything fall.
While trying hard to make my way up to the office on the far end of the 2nd floor, I met other people who greeted me .. I tried to greet them back. One of them was even there with kids who then had to witness a pitiful 31 year old wuss with a grimace of pain stumbling along the corridor while holding to the rails, crying. Actually just uncontrolled watering of the eyes but who cares, looks just like crying anyway.
Anyway, made it to the office. Took the droplets and stumbled into a luckily unoccupied meeting room with a sofa. Some more drops on the eyes and took a short nap.
Went back to work, wondering whether I should head home immediately or wait for other colleagues to take me to the town. Opted for the latter, due to which I had to role-play a pum with a hangover (covering my eyes with a hand from all the lights) in the bus ... again that same crappy geezer crying in front of kids. A "perfect" idol / ideal for the future society.
That's enough of humiliation for the day, thank you karma.
On Monday morning, I had to wake up 3 times to battle pain in the eye. My condolences to all the pincushions out there, I feel you. Had some trouble keeping the eyes open while waiting for the bus but the rest of the day was bearable. So, I spent the free hours of Monday evening meditating and sleeping instead of staring at the computer screen.
Slept nicely today morning and felt better. Went to work and all hell broke loose. Installed some eye drops and endured until the lunch.
Then suddenly I was pouring a lake on the canteen desk and could no longer keep my eyes open. Kept blowing my nose, too, for it's rude and disgusting. It was a real challenge to eat the salad, but even more of a challenge to eat the dessert while listening to a former colleague describing issues from one of the spacecraft for which he's providing services.
After what seemed like forever, I had to somehow force through it to maneuver through the canteen desks full of people, carrying the dishes. I was lucky - did not have to close my eyes nor did I let anything fall.
While trying hard to make my way up to the office on the far end of the 2nd floor, I met other people who greeted me .. I tried to greet them back. One of them was even there with kids who then had to witness a pitiful 31 year old wuss with a grimace of pain stumbling along the corridor while holding to the rails, crying. Actually just uncontrolled watering of the eyes but who cares, looks just like crying anyway.
Anyway, made it to the office. Took the droplets and stumbled into a luckily unoccupied meeting room with a sofa. Some more drops on the eyes and took a short nap.
Went back to work, wondering whether I should head home immediately or wait for other colleagues to take me to the town. Opted for the latter, due to which I had to role-play a pum with a hangover (covering my eyes with a hand from all the lights) in the bus ... again that same crappy geezer crying in front of kids. A "perfect" idol / ideal for the future society.
That's enough of humiliation for the day, thank you karma.
Friday, November 15, 2019
Library
On Monday and Tuesday evenings I found that I could tap into the familiar bliss while walking again. The mind was so tired that while not utilized for work, it had the tendency to relax and fall blank.
On Tuesday I realized that I'd need to rework a significant part of the code at work due to some changes in the requirements again.
Used this as a concentration practice to boost productivity. Have been using most of my free time to work on the code (and the 3 other urgent tasks in parallel). Anyway, this has gotten me a bit tired. Past weekend I also failed to fully compensate for the past week's worth of sleep deprivation. Expected and unexpected guests.
This, probably together with some lingering post-impressions from Disco Elysium yielded some interesting dreams last night.
I was in some kind of a building I haven't been to before. There was an old lady there (reminded me of my grandma but also didn't). The building had large windows. Through one of the windows one could see the town with a tall wooden church in the middle.
We looked out through the window and saw heavy clouds approaching. I said that I loved these kinds of clouds (they feel powerful). Just as I had said that, the shape of the clouds changed. One of the clouds developed a couple of small tails which did not develop into tornadoes.
Regardless, the church blew apart, followed by several other buildings in the town center. I was surprised and failed to find what could've caused the havoc.
Due to the multi-temporal overlay which seems to be rather usual in dreams, I also saw the new church which would be erected on the same spot years later. The new church was almost the same height but disturbingly green, due to which I liked the old one better. The old one was dark brown, btw.
Had a chat with an old friend yesterday evening (IRL).
In the dream I happened to pass through a small library. This friend was there, studying something and his former supervisor was sitting across the table ... probably supervising him.
I noticed that I had passed through the library earlier that day, and had left a bunch of electronics-related books on the table. Waved at the friend and his supervisor (who is also a friend), then quickly glanced at the books which I had left open. Realized something interesting.
It occurred to me that by continuing my research on all sorts of anomalies (ghosts, geisting, psychokinesis, etc.), I might just be able to find patterns which are important for ZPE and anti-gravity. While not really evident at first, there's probably a common link - fine-grain geometrical structure of the universe which everything else might be built upon.
On Tuesday I realized that I'd need to rework a significant part of the code at work due to some changes in the requirements again.
Used this as a concentration practice to boost productivity. Have been using most of my free time to work on the code (and the 3 other urgent tasks in parallel). Anyway, this has gotten me a bit tired. Past weekend I also failed to fully compensate for the past week's worth of sleep deprivation. Expected and unexpected guests.
This, probably together with some lingering post-impressions from Disco Elysium yielded some interesting dreams last night.
Dream: Heavy clouds
I was in some kind of a building I haven't been to before. There was an old lady there (reminded me of my grandma but also didn't). The building had large windows. Through one of the windows one could see the town with a tall wooden church in the middle.
We looked out through the window and saw heavy clouds approaching. I said that I loved these kinds of clouds (they feel powerful). Just as I had said that, the shape of the clouds changed. One of the clouds developed a couple of small tails which did not develop into tornadoes.
Regardless, the church blew apart, followed by several other buildings in the town center. I was surprised and failed to find what could've caused the havoc.
Due to the multi-temporal overlay which seems to be rather usual in dreams, I also saw the new church which would be erected on the same spot years later. The new church was almost the same height but disturbingly green, due to which I liked the old one better. The old one was dark brown, btw.
Dream: Library
Had a chat with an old friend yesterday evening (IRL).
In the dream I happened to pass through a small library. This friend was there, studying something and his former supervisor was sitting across the table ... probably supervising him.
I noticed that I had passed through the library earlier that day, and had left a bunch of electronics-related books on the table. Waved at the friend and his supervisor (who is also a friend), then quickly glanced at the books which I had left open. Realized something interesting.
It occurred to me that by continuing my research on all sorts of anomalies (ghosts, geisting, psychokinesis, etc.), I might just be able to find patterns which are important for ZPE and anti-gravity. While not really evident at first, there's probably a common link - fine-grain geometrical structure of the universe which everything else might be built upon.
Tuesday, November 5, 2019
Heat
For the past few weeks I've been releasing the tension in the chest and visualizing hugging it with love.
As a side-effect, I've noticed occasional releases of pain from the body.
Most of my body used to be at ambient temperature for most of the time. Yesterday evening I noticed that a significant amount of heat was emitted from the chest.
As another side-effect, I've noticed that stress is relieved more easily and the mind occasionally becomes clear of thoughts on its own again.
As a side-effect, I've noticed occasional releases of pain from the body.
Most of my body used to be at ambient temperature for most of the time. Yesterday evening I noticed that a significant amount of heat was emitted from the chest.
As another side-effect, I've noticed that stress is relieved more easily and the mind occasionally becomes clear of thoughts on its own again.
Monday, November 4, 2019
Small hut by the sea
Having finished the Lain game, I had exhausted my old avatar. Suddenly I realized that I had no idol / ideal anymore. On one hand, it's a liberating experience but on another hand it means that I need to define everything myself and would probably end up becoming a role model myself. Started to feel happy, almost as if I had just been reborn once again.
Due to some kind of synchronicity (and DarkChakra's intuition), found another Estonian who had joined that Discord server.
During the weekend I also read quite a bit about anti-gravity and alternative propulsion topics again.
I had backed an orchestra and visited one of their concerts yesterday evening. Actually might have missed the concert if there hadn't been another guy who made the same mistake (the theatre had moved to another building). He told me where the concert was probably taking place and offered me free transport.
The theme of the concert was high voltage, which I found to be somewhat related to the research which I had just performed beforehand. I enjoy the orchestra because of how lively they are. A significant part of their performances is the interactive show. Dad also plays there, so earned perhaps 15 min of chatting time with him =).
Sometimes I've noticed the tendency of music artists to neglect the director. While wondering about it, I realized how useful such a system would be in solving engineering problems with very high spin rates or very high frequencies.
Me and some other person were using a boat to coast along the beach somewhere in a foreign realm. The whole place had the somewhat familiar eerie feeling about it, due to which we tried to remain careful.
We reached a small hut above the water, maybe 100 m away from the beach. I wanted to move closer to the hut and look inside. The other person notified me of the danger but I was curious and it did not really feel all that dangerous.
The hut looked empty (just some old planks and dust), and at first it felt empty, too. But it was actually not empty. There was an entity still guarding the waters from the hut.
I could not see her but I could sense her presence and converse with her. She explained that she and her kid lived there and asked my why I had come there. I expressed respect and curiosity, and asked her if throughout all her years there she has seen anything out of the ordinary.
She told me about an abnormally violent storm and high waves. I think also a whirpool of some sort was involved. As she described it, I witnessed it and felt the power.
I think we thanked her, and landed on the beach. As I woke up, the feeling of this power remained and I can still feel it a bit while writing this down ~18 hours later.
Due to some kind of synchronicity (and DarkChakra's intuition), found another Estonian who had joined that Discord server.
During the weekend I also read quite a bit about anti-gravity and alternative propulsion topics again.
Orchestra
I had backed an orchestra and visited one of their concerts yesterday evening. Actually might have missed the concert if there hadn't been another guy who made the same mistake (the theatre had moved to another building). He told me where the concert was probably taking place and offered me free transport.
The theme of the concert was high voltage, which I found to be somewhat related to the research which I had just performed beforehand. I enjoy the orchestra because of how lively they are. A significant part of their performances is the interactive show. Dad also plays there, so earned perhaps 15 min of chatting time with him =).
Sometimes I've noticed the tendency of music artists to neglect the director. While wondering about it, I realized how useful such a system would be in solving engineering problems with very high spin rates or very high frequencies.
Dream: Small hut by the sea
Me and some other person were using a boat to coast along the beach somewhere in a foreign realm. The whole place had the somewhat familiar eerie feeling about it, due to which we tried to remain careful.
We reached a small hut above the water, maybe 100 m away from the beach. I wanted to move closer to the hut and look inside. The other person notified me of the danger but I was curious and it did not really feel all that dangerous.
The hut looked empty (just some old planks and dust), and at first it felt empty, too. But it was actually not empty. There was an entity still guarding the waters from the hut.
I could not see her but I could sense her presence and converse with her. She explained that she and her kid lived there and asked my why I had come there. I expressed respect and curiosity, and asked her if throughout all her years there she has seen anything out of the ordinary.
She told me about an abnormally violent storm and high waves. I think also a whirpool of some sort was involved. As she described it, I witnessed it and felt the power.
I think we thanked her, and landed on the beach. As I woke up, the feeling of this power remained and I can still feel it a bit while writing this down ~18 hours later.
Sunday, November 3, 2019
End of Lain game
Finished the lain game (or rather, the somewhat unconventional visual novel). I think this finally filled in the gaps. Lain does not seem all that mysterious anymore. A lot of respect to the writers, artists and translators.
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