I thought that there wouldn't be anyone in the woods this late in the evening. I was almost right .. but the training grounds were still occupied. Moreover, most of the things were taped to avoid people training in there.
While I also considered just jogging, then, the smell of chemicals or something burning did not feel too inviting, either.
Met a sad footballer who had an even more serious problem than me. I haven't been training for years, whereas his body can't stand it if he doesn't train regularly.
The woods themselves were empty, though, and I could enjoy the moon shining through the trees occasionally. It created a somewhat surreal scene sometimes.
Although I did bring a headlamp, I didn't use it. I found that regardless of the fact that I couldn't see anything, I would raise my hands to push aside the invisible branches as if I had seen them. Somehow I felt their presence. Probably a neat side-effect of my eye problems.
Monday, March 30, 2020
Burning tree
On Saturday I had a chat with someone (on the Discord server) who meditates quite a bit. This inspired me to meditate as well, or at least attempt to.
Took 1h for such an attempt. I think I occasionally did fall into a meditative state for a second or two. Cat kept trying to obtain my attention, then the door made a sound and twitched, etc. Felt tired and didn't want to do anything afterwards. Watched S2E1 of Impulse and realized it wasn't a very good idea. Then played a bit of Doom (2016), which might've been a better idea if I had had a proper display. At night I made a mistake of pinging a lot of people on the Discord server, which caused some of the people to reveal their (not very nice) personalities.
Was also rather tired yesterday. Caught myself seeing the virus spreading in hypnagogic imagery. Left eye started to hurt and became sensitive to light. I think there are 2 potential causes - that bad display or some sort of viral infection. When I "look" at the body with my mind's eye, I don't see any virus, though. Maybe should buy a new monitor / display for the desktop PC.
Felt a bit better after visiting a department store yesterday evening.
Ah, at some point something melted in the heart chakra and spread throughout the body. Felt a bit better after that happened.
Today morning there's a mild headache and my left arm has been feeling a bit numb. Left eye still feels stressed.
Some strange symbols from the dreams.
I had to go somewhere but didn't have a car. Someone offered me their old Lada for the trip but there were a lot of issues with it so I didn't make it. At some point the mechanism for controlling the flow of gasoline became stuck. Tried to dislodge it, but while doing so, it leaked gasoline on the road. A lot of pollution. A lady approached and pointed out the obvious. I said that I noticed, and apologized while knowing that my apology would no longer change anything.
A bunch of youngsters were having a party or something somewhere. One of them started a bonfire in the yard. There was a tall tree which caught fire. The people thought it just looked cool and walked past it without paying much attention to it. I pointed out the issue that none of them looked at the burning tree or its branches. Soon after, the tree fell over .. on some of the youngsters. I tried to go back to see if there was anything which I could do to help but the dream faded before I managed to.
Throughout the dreams, there was some sort of a presence again which kept observing everything and coordinating things. Feeling powerless against it, I mostly hid and avoided seeming suspicious. While this has also been a somewhat regular symbol, it has been the most prevalent while I've been ill.
Took 1h for such an attempt. I think I occasionally did fall into a meditative state for a second or two. Cat kept trying to obtain my attention, then the door made a sound and twitched, etc. Felt tired and didn't want to do anything afterwards. Watched S2E1 of Impulse and realized it wasn't a very good idea. Then played a bit of Doom (2016), which might've been a better idea if I had had a proper display. At night I made a mistake of pinging a lot of people on the Discord server, which caused some of the people to reveal their (not very nice) personalities.
Was also rather tired yesterday. Caught myself seeing the virus spreading in hypnagogic imagery. Left eye started to hurt and became sensitive to light. I think there are 2 potential causes - that bad display or some sort of viral infection. When I "look" at the body with my mind's eye, I don't see any virus, though. Maybe should buy a new monitor / display for the desktop PC.
Felt a bit better after visiting a department store yesterday evening.
Ah, at some point something melted in the heart chakra and spread throughout the body. Felt a bit better after that happened.
Today morning there's a mild headache and my left arm has been feeling a bit numb. Left eye still feels stressed.
Some strange symbols from the dreams.
Dream.Symbol: Old Lada
I had to go somewhere but didn't have a car. Someone offered me their old Lada for the trip but there were a lot of issues with it so I didn't make it. At some point the mechanism for controlling the flow of gasoline became stuck. Tried to dislodge it, but while doing so, it leaked gasoline on the road. A lot of pollution. A lady approached and pointed out the obvious. I said that I noticed, and apologized while knowing that my apology would no longer change anything.
Dream.Symbol: Burning tree
A bunch of youngsters were having a party or something somewhere. One of them started a bonfire in the yard. There was a tall tree which caught fire. The people thought it just looked cool and walked past it without paying much attention to it. I pointed out the issue that none of them looked at the burning tree or its branches. Soon after, the tree fell over .. on some of the youngsters. I tried to go back to see if there was anything which I could do to help but the dream faded before I managed to.
Dream.Symbol: Big Brother
Throughout the dreams, there was some sort of a presence again which kept observing everything and coordinating things. Feeling powerless against it, I mostly hid and avoided seeming suspicious. While this has also been a somewhat regular symbol, it has been the most prevalent while I've been ill.
Tuesday, March 24, 2020
Stuffed
For the past few days I've been visualizing love and warmth in the heart chakra. This has occasionally caused waves of heat to propagate up the body.
Sunday evening I suddenly felt sorry for myself. That night I had a dream where I slept in a room with a lot of noise. When I woke up in the morning, I felt a bit floaty. It felt as if the head were stuffed and any sound stimulated the crown chakra.
Yesterday I focused on getting work done quickly and efficiently. While stressful, I was surprised to see that I could do that again. This feature probably depends on the heart chakra a lot. Ended up feverishly debugging a non-existing problem, though.
Last night I had a slightly disturbing dream. For some reason, a former friend started throwing knives at me, laughing. I dodged them, picked one up, transformed it into a small rock and threw it at him. It hit his head and the dream ended.
Sunday evening I suddenly felt sorry for myself. That night I had a dream where I slept in a room with a lot of noise. When I woke up in the morning, I felt a bit floaty. It felt as if the head were stuffed and any sound stimulated the crown chakra.
Yesterday I focused on getting work done quickly and efficiently. While stressful, I was surprised to see that I could do that again. This feature probably depends on the heart chakra a lot. Ended up feverishly debugging a non-existing problem, though.
Friends?
Last night I had a slightly disturbing dream. For some reason, a former friend started throwing knives at me, laughing. I dodged them, picked one up, transformed it into a small rock and threw it at him. It hit his head and the dream ended.
Saturday, March 21, 2020
Discrimination of info
Tried relighting the heart chakra and realized some mistakes which I had made on the Discord server. Apologized, and while doing so, realized some more about myself and the issues which I've been having for a while.
Today it occurred to me that one of the reasons why I don't really fit in anywhere is a concept which most people seem to be missing. I've been using this quote from Bhagavad Gita as a signature at the psychokinesis forum for many years:
It seems that generally people only want to hear happy news. It's as if they thought that all problems would disappear if they simply ignore them. For example, a lot of people refuse to read any news regarding the Corona virus because the news would make them feel bad.
Yesterday the neighbour visited again. This time was a bit different, though, for we got to discuss things. He had the idea that a lot of problems would disappear if TV, radio, internet were to disappear. That these media were only a means of propaganda and brainwashing. I tried to explain to him that mankind wasn't ready for a global network of telepathy and empathy yet, and that the internet was simply a technological alternative for the time being. I don't think I managed to convey it in a way which he could grasp.
Quite often when people say something which makes them upset or emotional. At times like these, I would point out that they're emotional simply because they're missing some of the viewpoints. However, when I describe some other viewpoint, it probably only upsets them even more .. for they don't want to hear it. They want to stay in the bubble where only their viewpoint is correct. Me trying to correct people in order to point out the multiple facets to everything is probably what causes problems in fitting in.
Today it occurred to me that one of the reasons why I don't really fit in anywhere is a concept which most people seem to be missing. I've been using this quote from Bhagavad Gita as a signature at the psychokinesis forum for many years:
A stable-minded person will neither hug nor hate the world, he will take things as they come.
It seems that generally people only want to hear happy news. It's as if they thought that all problems would disappear if they simply ignore them. For example, a lot of people refuse to read any news regarding the Corona virus because the news would make them feel bad.
Yesterday the neighbour visited again. This time was a bit different, though, for we got to discuss things. He had the idea that a lot of problems would disappear if TV, radio, internet were to disappear. That these media were only a means of propaganda and brainwashing. I tried to explain to him that mankind wasn't ready for a global network of telepathy and empathy yet, and that the internet was simply a technological alternative for the time being. I don't think I managed to convey it in a way which he could grasp.
Quite often when people say something which makes them upset or emotional. At times like these, I would point out that they're emotional simply because they're missing some of the viewpoints. However, when I describe some other viewpoint, it probably only upsets them even more .. for they don't want to hear it. They want to stay in the bubble where only their viewpoint is correct. Me trying to correct people in order to point out the multiple facets to everything is probably what causes problems in fitting in.
Thursday, March 19, 2020
Out of options
I think more or less the only way for me to become immune to diseases again as well as to find a bit of happiness again is meditation, psychokinesis and spiritualism in general. Need to maintain celibacy while collecting sexual energy up to higher chakras, in order to relight them.
I think I've seen the opposite path somewhere before (probably in a dream). In that alternate reality, I failed to overcome depression in time .. and the pandemic got to me. Dad wasn't too happy, so maybe it wasn't a very good idea. Also, I suspect that I've received quite a bit of training and teachings (for some unknown responsibilities in the future) which would be sort of wasted in such a scenario.
On the other hand, the path of spirituality would again mean that I would lose enthusiasm and motivation to do anything in this material world. Throughout the years I've been trying to figure out a workaround but I don't think I've found any. On the contrary, depression due to the lack of spirituality has had the same effect - enthusiasm and motivation are more and more difficult to come by.
Due to the pandemic, any attempts to fit in as a more-or-less normal person have been rendered futile. Spirituality seems to be the only option, even though it's rather selfish.
Occasionally things in my room have started to make loud crackling sounds again. There are waves of heat propagating up the body, sometimes I feel somewhat floaty and I've started to feel things which I see or hear again.
A couple of nights ago, I was coming home from the town center. I tried flying as fast as I could .. by becoming weightless and then pulling myself from different objects. I found that I could keep holding onto an object even if I had already flown quite far from it. I tried to make a sharp turn by holding onto a traffic post about 100 or 200 m behind me. The speed was too much for me to control, and I crashed into the lawn. While reckless, it was a lot of fun.
I think I've seen the opposite path somewhere before (probably in a dream). In that alternate reality, I failed to overcome depression in time .. and the pandemic got to me. Dad wasn't too happy, so maybe it wasn't a very good idea. Also, I suspect that I've received quite a bit of training and teachings (for some unknown responsibilities in the future) which would be sort of wasted in such a scenario.
On the other hand, the path of spirituality would again mean that I would lose enthusiasm and motivation to do anything in this material world. Throughout the years I've been trying to figure out a workaround but I don't think I've found any. On the contrary, depression due to the lack of spirituality has had the same effect - enthusiasm and motivation are more and more difficult to come by.
Due to the pandemic, any attempts to fit in as a more-or-less normal person have been rendered futile. Spirituality seems to be the only option, even though it's rather selfish.
Occasionally things in my room have started to make loud crackling sounds again. There are waves of heat propagating up the body, sometimes I feel somewhat floaty and I've started to feel things which I see or hear again.
Dream: Speed-flying
A couple of nights ago, I was coming home from the town center. I tried flying as fast as I could .. by becoming weightless and then pulling myself from different objects. I found that I could keep holding onto an object even if I had already flown quite far from it. I tried to make a sharp turn by holding onto a traffic post about 100 or 200 m behind me. The speed was too much for me to control, and I crashed into the lawn. While reckless, it was a lot of fun.
Friday, March 13, 2020
Evil witch?
I suspect that this is what the evil witch is about? The sleeping witch whom I've seen in the depths of some dreams ever since being a kid. The witch whom I've been the most scared of.
I suspect that I failed to mention it here but fairly recently I finished watching Monster and I thought I related to it a bit too well.
Anyway, with the whole corona virus emergency today, suddenly everything seemed to have clicked together. All the things since the 2nd half of 2019 which seemed off and illogical - were a preparation for the events which occurred only recently. I used to feel very confused and disoriented because nothing which I planned, worked out. Everything high-priority seemed irrelevant, everything was so chaotic .. now suddenly things make sense again.
I'm not sure how to feel about it but for it seems that for some reason I enjoy difficult situations. They make me feel alive, they make me feel as if I was born at the correct time and that suddenly there was a purpose for my existence. During a great difficulty, I often find my mind more clear and easier to concentrate on solving problems.
While it's probably not good to say this, the virus pandemic does help to solve a lot of problems which had been piling up over the years. Problems which otherwise seemed nearly impossible to solve. Problems, which mankind had missed out of ignorance. It's amazing how things take place in this universe. It occurred to me what "conspiracy" might be about -- it's perhaps the same as what I've referred to as "synchronicity".
Sometimes I wonder whether I'm evil or not. While I would prefer people to be happy, healthy and without suffering, I would feel very out of place in such a world. This could be interpreted as "I enjoy people suffering," which I would not like .. I think .. or at least, I like to think that I would not like that.
Tuesday, March 10, 2020
Gas stove
Yesterday evening I sometimes felt someone or something breathing onto my neck. When I turned around, there was nothing behind me.
Woke with eye pain again. It took time before the eye drops started having any effect. Consumed some garlic, just in case.
Woke with eye pain again. It took time before the eye drops started having any effect. Consumed some garlic, just in case.
Dream: Gas stove
Last night I saw a lit gas stove three times throughout the dreams. The first two times I tried to switch it off because it was dangerous. Each time more of the burners were lit than the previous time. The third time I smelled something burning, went to the kitchen and saw all the burners fully lit. Since I had switched it off several times already, I figured that it had to be a dream. So, instead of switching it off, I cranked all the burners up to the maximum and visualized the effect on the energy channels in the body. Then cranked the burners back to how they were.Monday, March 9, 2020
Hack-a-ton
Sometimes I wonder why people are so nice to me or to things which I do, whereas I don't feel like I deserve it. This makes me feel like I owe something to them and make up for it somehow.
The business hackathon was nice.
I knew that we would get accepted to the hackathon. It wasn't just a hunch, for somehow I managed to see / feel the organizers conspiring to make it happen.
Even though our company's pitch wasn't very good imho, I knew that we would get a prize. This probably had something to do with the broad reach of acquaintances, random news articles of praise and perhaps with the employees being known for their previous projects.
All in all, everything was perfect in terms of a learning experience and we got exactly what we needed. It's amazing how things can work out.
While at the hackathon, at some point I noticed that my right hand was smudged with marker. Not just smudged, but it looked as if there were three lines written on it, with the first two lines being almost readable. I thought I could read out the following:
A couple of days before I also got my hands dirty with markers because I touched a whiteboard sponge at my seminar.
Had a video call with mom last night. She said she saw me as a formless cloud once in October and that she hadn't seen me in that form before. When I briefly described the symbology of my eye issue, she confirmed it. It occurred to her that she had gone through a similar stage in life and that she had also had a problem with eyes as it happened.
Now about a week ago, I think I realized my main emotional cycle and planned my way out. I think I've finally started to understand a bit better what owltwelve has been saying for all these years about utilizing sexual energy for psychokinesis training. I had failed to see that this emotional cycle was caused by unused sexual energy. The label "sexual" confused me because of all the meanings which the society has given to this label.
A few days ago I had a dream where I looked for the cat but found a bunch of kittens, instead. These kittens had not been fed very well. For some reason I offered a piece of tree bark to one of the kittens, which ate it with quite an appetite.
A group of us were getting ready for a trip with a helicopter. My sister had something which she still needed to do, and got left behind. At some point I decided to go back and check on her, and perhaps wait until she gets things done. By the time she was ready to go, the helicopter was almost at the destination. This meant that we had to get through the woods, for which we got horses. At some point I noticed that sister had left again .. so I just gave up and continued to the destination. I reached the destination at the same time that the helicopter landed.
I was at some kind of a meeting where a problem with a hidden bully was discussed. In order to expose the bully, I thought that a triggering letter should be written. However, the letter would be the easiest to write for a person with specific personality traits. For this task, a former friend seemed to be the most appropriate. Summoned him and discussed it further.
Spent time with him throughout the rest of the dreams. We discussed a lot of different things which I can't really recall. I was glad. It felt as if he had often visited the place where I was staying but each time that he did, I was never there.
Business
The business hackathon was nice.
I knew that we would get accepted to the hackathon. It wasn't just a hunch, for somehow I managed to see / feel the organizers conspiring to make it happen.
Even though our company's pitch wasn't very good imho, I knew that we would get a prize. This probably had something to do with the broad reach of acquaintances, random news articles of praise and perhaps with the employees being known for their previous projects.
All in all, everything was perfect in terms of a learning experience and we got exactly what we needed. It's amazing how things can work out.
Marker
While at the hackathon, at some point I noticed that my right hand was smudged with marker. Not just smudged, but it looked as if there were three lines written on it, with the first two lines being almost readable. I thought I could read out the following:
"Ok I'll ..."I must have touched something with a fresh marker writing on it, but as I looked around, I couldn't spot anything with a marker writing on it. I have no clue where it came from or why and it didn't come off very easily.
"Ok I will ..."
"..." (illegible)
A couple of days before I also got my hands dirty with markers because I touched a whiteboard sponge at my seminar.
Formless cloud of consciousness
Had a video call with mom last night. She said she saw me as a formless cloud once in October and that she hadn't seen me in that form before. When I briefly described the symbology of my eye issue, she confirmed it. It occurred to her that she had gone through a similar stage in life and that she had also had a problem with eyes as it happened.
The cycle
Now about a week ago, I think I realized my main emotional cycle and planned my way out. I think I've finally started to understand a bit better what owltwelve has been saying for all these years about utilizing sexual energy for psychokinesis training. I had failed to see that this emotional cycle was caused by unused sexual energy. The label "sexual" confused me because of all the meanings which the society has given to this label.
Dream: Kittens
A few days ago I had a dream where I looked for the cat but found a bunch of kittens, instead. These kittens had not been fed very well. For some reason I offered a piece of tree bark to one of the kittens, which ate it with quite an appetite.
Dream: Helicopter
A group of us were getting ready for a trip with a helicopter. My sister had something which she still needed to do, and got left behind. At some point I decided to go back and check on her, and perhaps wait until she gets things done. By the time she was ready to go, the helicopter was almost at the destination. This meant that we had to get through the woods, for which we got horses. At some point I noticed that sister had left again .. so I just gave up and continued to the destination. I reached the destination at the same time that the helicopter landed.
Dream: Scheming
I was at some kind of a meeting where a problem with a hidden bully was discussed. In order to expose the bully, I thought that a triggering letter should be written. However, the letter would be the easiest to write for a person with specific personality traits. For this task, a former friend seemed to be the most appropriate. Summoned him and discussed it further.
Spent time with him throughout the rest of the dreams. We discussed a lot of different things which I can't really recall. I was glad. It felt as if he had often visited the place where I was staying but each time that he did, I was never there.
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