Concealed worries are dangerous

:) although people personally thanked me for the presentation, apparently I still wasn't happy about my performance. ::loud thunder:: I noticed that I gradually became more tired each day after the presentation. Some tension crept up inside, which I couldn't release very easily. Food didn't digest very well and attempts to take a nap just shifted me out of body with nausea. Would've liked to visit the cultural event, but as it turned out, one had to register and pay for that beforehand. Not that I wasn't notified of that by the subconscious, but I just skipped it until I would meet my colleague .. but then just forgot about it. Oh well, went "home" and took a nap, trying to heal it. Realized that actually it was not the presentation but the lack of focused answers to the questions.

Thought it all through while watching Naruto and Sasuke battling. Feeling a lot better now, since now I have clear guidelines for improving my presentations even further.

Yup, need to get back to regular pk practice again. Progress is much more efficient when there's a direct need for it. ::loud thunder:: It's not so much pk practice for practising pk but rather for speeding up the internal battle, as one requirement for pk is the clarity of mind. It seemed like a good idea at first, to develop the clarity of mind and concentration first, and then try pk. I guess it didn't work too well for me .. got lazy :D.

Turned around

Last night I found myself in the living room at home. Decided to change the way I live this life. Created a portal in the mirror and flew in. Pitch black dark emptiness, except for tangible space and astral wind. The wind was blowing from behind me. Turned around and embraced the wind, enjoying the thickening of space around me. Soon after, I felt myself slowly descend back into the body.

Central flame

Last night, just after I visualized sending love to the dog, the central flame got ignited for a few minutes. Could hear and feel the noise from the flame. Then it slowly faded away again.

Dreams were nothing special, except that I was no longer afraid of appearing at home. Judging by prior experience I suspected I would pop back to Mexico by the morning anyway.

It's strange, really. I don't consider myself anything special. However, even with a plastered face, people generally treated me very well. Or rather, maybe a bit too well. Or perhaps it's not worth thinking about it that much .. should maybe forgive myself and just be.

In yo face

Ok.
A wet dream on the first morning at a foreign place .. again.
Other than that, the day has been nice. I guess I've already sort of adapted to the swap of timezones as well.

Today the internal map intuition seemed to have been working fine.

Though, I got bitten in the face by a nice dog. I didn't expect that. Especially after the dog had seemingly acknowledged me and licked my face.

Anyway, have been holding focus on the healing for some time now.

Mexico

A 15-hour flight with multiple transfers.

On the intercontinental flight, there was an LCD display with a tethered remote. Couldn't wait to try that. Selected flight tracking from the menu, after which, the device started loading some kind of configuration from somewhere. This got stuck on 93%. Pressed some random buttons. It started again, and got stuck at 93% once again. Anyway, the plane electrical system experienced a hiccup at some point, after which the device actually showed the flight tracking info. After some time I tried to go back to the main menu. Tried again, then again and again. Tried focusing on the system to acquire a feeling of it. Then tried again by forcing it with pk ("sudo"-like). The menu popped up but stuff looked rather glitchy. Selected "return to main menu" or somesuch, and pressed "Ok". Well .. nope. Everything went blank and didn't respond to my random combination of button presses, for perhaps an hour. Then suddenly it did. Low and behold, the familiar gif of a smiling lady booted up. But in false colors. Apparently the device was working again, except for the display colors (looked like 16 colors instead of 8-bit). Yup, probably technology from the last century.

Regardless, that was interesting geisting.

My intuition for mapless orientation in unknown surroundings didn't work, and I was mislead twice. Once in Tallinn, and once in Guadalajara.

Funeral toll?

Two nights ago, I was flying over the pasture near the summerhouse when I heard the belch of an old friend. I thought this indicated that he was ready to celebrate his birthday. I was about to shoot over the pasture with great speed, but there was someone flying just to my left and they accidentally tipped a tower of old window panes. There's almost always someone to my left, chilling around with me. This is the first time I've seen the presence actually interact with something. Typically the being is like a robot that doesn't speak, doesn't do telepathy or anything. Ok, anyway, I decided to watch it fall, then rewind and try to prevent it from happening. Yup, it shattered alright, leaving a lot of glass shards on the pasture grounds. Which is obviously not good, because there are animals grazing there. Rewound but that shattered the dream. Don't ask me why there was a tower of window panes on pasture grounds in the first place .. dream logic, right?

For a few times the ability to focus has surprised me a bit. Probably still rusty, but at least a lot better than I would have expected. A few seconds of focus and got a headache. Haven't had a short-circuit in a while .. went to bed. Two symbols.

I'm away somewhere and come back. Already from quite far I see that on the grass in front of the house, there's a square of candles with what looked like a tombstone. "That's odd, I wonder if someone has died?" Moved closer and realized those were not candles but bells. Read the sign and it said something along the lines of "Prayers for the funeral toll" (Palved hingekellale). That seemed odd. Dad walked past and reminded me of the bathroom tap that needs to be replaced (off-topic). "Yah, still haven't had the time to replace it," I said. To finish it off with random off-topic discussions and to confirm the state of awareness, I said "Bomb," and observed a deminer truck appearing through me (for the lack of proper collision avoidance). Walked out of it.

Then a trainee from work appeared just around the corner and gestured for me to follow him. He took me into a meeting room through an abstract place with a lot of doors. The abstract place was interesting .. not my creation.

Other than that, Steve Richards' "Invisibility" is awesome. It's not just about invisibility but also about alchemy, materialization and dematerialization. It describes the formation of matter, it describes the enlightenment process, the process of becoming immortal and what not.

Tree with a twist

A dream with a storm where it rained through the ceiling again. The symbol for indicating an unstable environment.

It would be awesome to be able to play with the cat by exercising psychokinesis on a toy rat. Running from the cat, squeaking and stuff.

Visited a local VR (virtual reality) meeting. Had extra 20 minutes before the event started, so I went into the park to play with the camera. Got one photo, right when I was about to leave. While going downhill, a tree caught my attention. At first it was the roots, then the trunk.

A very cool tree.

Two symbols

A dream or two last night. In one of them, I encountered the pleasant symbol of detachment: I took a bunch of electronics to a colleague, to give it away just like that. He was quite surprised. I tried to make it look like it was no big deal - that much of it wasn't really working anymore and what not .. bah.

At some point, while discussing something with a friend, I noticed a wall with a graffity on it. No big deal, right? I mean, it's a big wall and all, but it definitely caught my attention. Because the graffiti was constantly repainting itself. It consisted of a painter (who himself was painted), and a blue circle with a red arc on top. The painter put forth extra effort to ensure that the blue circle was well drawn.

A sketch of what it roughly looked like. The painter himself was less refined than the circle.

Edit: What just happened? While typing this down, somehow the tab closed and a popup with Firefox hotkeys appeared.

Today has been a strange day. A lot of stuff happened. Re-found a gift card with free money to spend (had forgotten it into my drawer at work). Also received my Nikon D3300, yay!

The night of flight

Probably the longest levitation dream I've had so far. Spent the whole night flying from building to building, from tree top to tree top. Chased a couple of propeller planes as well, as they crossed the sky. Didn't spot any fighter jets, though. Would've been awesome to try and chase those too :D.

Dream training

Hmm .. there's some sort of tension surfacing every now and then, out of small things.

Focused on the Udana for a moment, as described in Steve Richard's "Levitation". The results were easy to recognize. Several jolts in consciousness today, in addition to the feeling of consciousness shifting.

With the Udana being seated in the throat, obviously some throat chakra type challenges popped up today as well. One of the lecturers (a colleague) asked me to describe some processes that I didn't understand very well. So, I had to improvise without being afraid of being wrong. Luckily I had practised just that in the only dream I had last night. Could've done better but it went quite okay anyway, I guess.

Steve Richard lit the path of pk for enlightenment very well, by providing a good overview of the terminology. This helped me realize that without pk I would probably have a hard time with it. For years, I kind of hoped that there wouldn't be a difference but it seems that pk practice is the easiest way to transcendental awareness or samadhi.

Also, one of the issues that I encountered last time was lack of desire. I no longer had any. Though, without any desires it's somewhat more difficult to progress. This time I ought to be wary of the stage without desires.

Puzzle bits self-assembling

Continued reading Steve Richards' "Levitation". Reinitializing some old exercises that I used to do .. which are coincidentally also considered important for levitation practises. Some jolts of consciousness. Re-realized the simplicity of the principle behind siddhis and concentration.

Broke some equipment at work, a couple of days ago. Something that's not supposed to happen in such a way. Though, I was amazed at how much I could conclude from the observations. Noticed how there were signals that it would break but some info was missing and the whole puzzle didn't fit together until it did. Thus, it had to break.

Strange dreams. Two uncles, with whom we discussed things. One of them was an idol for me when I was little. The other uncle was little .. I was confused if it was his son or if it was him .. reincarnation? They did something with one of the tractors. Then they piled firewood on the rear end of the tractor and lit it. I was very confused about this - an unexpected extra-witchy ritual or whatnot.

One day I just popped up at the VR lab, looked around, acting all familiar and asked people what they were working on. I like to act as if everyone were an old friend of mine (as it often turns out that's the case - Estonia is small). Met the guy who was researching lucid dreaming and VR. Mentioned OBEs and VR. He showed remote interest, but much like the other people there .. seemed to be confused about why the hell I'm there at such a random time, for no apparent reason (meh just had time to spend). Well met. Met him again today at the ESA public discussion event. Nice :). Well, met a lot of other interesting people there.

Apparently I also had a fan at the event, who managed to convince me that spacetech and gamedev would start to merge sometime soon. So that eventually I wouldn't have to leave one to work on the other. This left me wondering about the third, tho - ZPE. Well, the third one I think I saw on the list of proposed answers to the ESA questions. Ambiguously stated, just like it would have to be, but it was there.:3

Moreover, the discussion event seemed to have reflected the thoughts that popped up on a plane right after returning from the Alpbach summer school. The thoughts that mankind should come up with a list of potential goals for the mankind. It was very good to see ESA working towards the same thing in roughly the same way I had also envisioned it.

Hmm .. just after the event some kind of a girl made a facebook friend request. Unrelated, it seems, as she asked whether I would like make acquaintance. Figured she's probably one of those clicking on random accounts hoping for a date. With slight disgust, I said NO, but then realized I'm clearly biased in that regard. Why not a friend? I wouldn't treat friends like that, would I? For one, the girl did not seem like a typical bot. Based on her profile pic, she looked as if from a rough family. Even worse for me to treat her like scum. Sorry and thank you for the lesson.

Ah, remembered that yesterday I tried trataka on the mirror again for a minute or less. For a second, I saw a white orb floating about 2-3 cm above the head in reflection. While seeing that, I also heard a low-frequency humming. Didn't hear that before nor after the sight.

Plot twist

Experienced a plot twist two days ago, when I had a dream where I was worried about some people. One of them looked at me and said: "You know, sometimes I don't understand at all, why you do the things you do." Realized the irony of the previous post "Old lady with a functional body". Now I was the old lady, acting exactly the same way. No wiser.

Remembered a night when through sleep I semi-subconsciously made a sound exactly like the cat does. Just for the record.

Old lady with a functional body

Some of the last dreams today morning..

I was minding my own business, packing stuff to go back (about time for the morning alarm). Suddenly I sense someone behind me, just over my right shoulder. I look there and I see nothing. Knowing there must be someone there because I feel them, I adjusted my awareness. Sure enough, an old lady became visible. So, I listened to what she had to say. Couldn't really remember all of that, and it didn't actually make too much sense, either. She was worried about all sorts of people. At some point she left .. and then showed up at the doorway just a minute later. She was worried again. Told her: "Instead of constantly worrying about the bodies of others, return to check the status of your own body." In a minute, she was back again, crying from both sadness and relief. I didn't get why she still came back, but she said she hadn't returned for a long time and that the body was still more-or-less habitable (ears and eyes had degraded a lot, though). She seemed happy.

That was quite unlike any other dreams that I've had.

Still tired.

Old barnhouse

An interesting combo of OBE and LD elements.

I appeared at the door of the old barnhouse. Everything was in this dark blue haze, which I've taken as a sign for OBE. I focused more on being there, and the blue haze disappeared. It was no longer night. Opened the door .. or at least tried to. It took me a lot of fiddling with it, to get it open before me and closed behind me. Inside, I moved around and observed the numerous entities that were chilling around. Some of them produced loud non-physical sounds that I could hear inside me.

At some moment, I left the barnhouse (teleported, I guess) and found myself among a few other people. Thinking I was without a proper body, I expected that the people wouldn't see me. Though, they seemed to have .. to some degree at least.

In the last dream I was in the attic somewhere. The attic floor was slowly falling apart. However, there was an issue with some kind of oil spill in the attic. This oil spill had to be resolved before any of it drips down. Couldn't interact with the oil nor with the attic floor .. so couldn't do much about it. Eventually it turned out that as the attic floor degraded, the oil vanished instead of dripping down.