Embarrassment

A rather embarrassing trip to Netherlands. Not only that, but also met an old acquaintance there. Each time I meet him or even just hear anything about him, I see that all I've done this far in life are little and meaningless things. What bugs me the most is that he's right. I want to do something useful, something that has a meaning but is exciting at the same time.

This issue hit me like a wall as I got back to home town again. Have been digesting the karmic traces related to that.

Met the psychic colleague on the morning bus again on Friday. She told me about her friend who had wanted to meet me again sometime. Her friend had gotten her channels opened and had described the synchronicities and all the other little wonders. Again something that makes me a bit jealous and embarrassed - I'm not worth shit, not even spiritually. Again, want to do something that would help people, mankind but can't even help myself. How pathetic is that? Lost in pretending in order to fit in. That is not what I am, at least not anymore.

Ego slap. But then again, I'm also glad that all this is surfacing. It means that with each day there's less of the stuff buried within.

Sorry for anyone having to read this. Witnessed an interesting transition between dream environments during a daily nap. Had watched some X-Files again, so dreamt of a couple investigating something at a ship yard or something. I was just a cloud of consciousness floating around above the sea, observing the couple and their environment. They were staring at the horizon. This caused them to drift from the ship yard towards the sea. Soon they were no longer standing at the ship yard, they were standing knee-deep in the water, as if on a platform. Are they standing on a whale (saw the whale for a moment but they weren't aware of it)? No, more like just floating through space (they were not even aware of the water). A pattern of cars emerged from between the water and the horizon. Then a bridge rose from the sea, with a lot of cars driving on the bridge. The couple eventually ended up on the structure of the bridge, tens of meters above the cars. In their minds, the couple were still standing on a platform whereas in the dream "reality" they were walking on some pipes and beams of the bridge. Looked dangerous. With their state of mind, it wasn't.

This reminded me of something I realized about some old posts on flying dreams. It's not the speed of flight that keeps me from flying to space in lucid dreams. It's fear of heights. Regardless of having climbed somewhat tall trees, apparently I'm still afraid to go higher.