Cleaning, healing

For the past month or so, I've been feeling more life in me. It seems as if the goal for 2020 (to regain health) is progressing. Occasionally I've even felt enthusiasm or willingness to do things like cleaning the apartment. With all these years I had forgotten how just how great it felt. The ability to forgive myself and to "love myself" has also been resurfacing recently. I think without it there cannot really be much of a healing.

Visited a doctor again with the eye, coughing and lack of vitamin D problems. For recovery I had specifically been taking less vitamin D than what one of the doctors had suggested. My vitamin D level had recovered very well and was back to normal. Regarding coughing, the doctor didn't see anything wrong .. so it's probably more due to the air quality in my room and less due to a flu or something. My eye was also more-or-less fine again by the time I visited the doctor. They said that an injury like that would often take more than a year to fully heal.

Had been feeling more-or-less back to normal, until my coughing became worse a few days ago. Have been lacking sleep because of this. On the mattress (which is not that old yet and I just vacuumed it), I more-or-less only suffocate (both nostrils close up and start to cough bad). Even sleeping on the floor doesn't seem to help much.

Managed to have a dream.

Dream: Cooking

I arrived at a social event of some sort, unknown place. As usual, I was early. Uninstalled boots, looked for an empty spot to hide them and walked through the corridor. Turned into the kitchen (to my right) where I found one of my aunts cooking something for the event.

She typically doesn't cook complex meals, but this time it looked rather complex. I took the chance to discuss something with her, but I somewhat failed at multitasking. I wanted to help with the cooking but messed it up by pouring the rest of the oil onto the flour. While it was indeed meant that oil would be added there, aunt asked if I had poured it on cold (probably mixed with a little bit of salty water or something) or flour.

Of course I didn't. I wouldn't have even thought that would matter. In order to remember this seemingly unintuitive detail, I started to wonder if there was some physics involved which would explain the rationale. Aunt just said "because fried onions would also go in there," which did not seem to resolve the confusion.

Judging by the complexity, it seemed as if aunt were cooking ramen or something, with custom dough. I don't think my aunts have ever made that kind of food. In any case, aunt as well as everything surrounding her was really vivid and I considered her concentration skill impressive.

Sister was also there but only half-way in the dream. I wondered if maybe I could help her but she was just taking something from the cupboard when a bunch of chopsticks fell to the floor. Woke up.

Took some tea and wrote it down. Since it's a bit later now, will retry sleep.

Wolf

On Saturday morning, the bus to another city was packed with people coughing. Since Thursday I was still feeling a bit sick (a lot of mucus in the lungs, left eye itching, stomach ache, headache), I decided to rest instead of using the multimedia device on the bus.

Saturday and Sunday I spent at grandparents' place. On Sunday there were elderly people visiting. After the event, grandpa expressed gratitude that I had been able to come and that I always seemed to get along well with the elderly. I said: "Well, I guess I'm old too," which caused a reaction like "Pfft, what the heck, man?". On a more serious note, I could relate to one of the old ladies who cried and said she was "tired of everything". I found it curious that she seemed to have used almost exactly the same words which I had used not very long before.

On the bus back home, there was barely anyone coughing nor sneezing in the bus. But the multimedia device in front of my seat was broken. While there was nobody sitting next to me, I did not change the seat. Instead, I decided to look out of the window (without seeing anything because it was dark) and work through the variety of thoughts in my mind. It made me feel a bit uneasy that there was a reflection of the girl sitting in the row in front of me, "blocking the view into the darkness".

Bought an air humidifier / cleaner yesterday. While taking a shortcut to the device, trying to keep a distance to people, a girl with a pierced face walked past me. She looked at me, smiled and thought I was cute. I briefly glanced at her with my classic serious and maybe a bit sad face with all the blemishes in full glory.

On Monday morning I had a couple of interesting dreams.

Dream: Wolf

I was in the front yard of the summerhouse with someone at my left when someone else came running and shouting: "A wolf, a wolf, there's a wolf in the yard!"

The wolf darted past him, and seemed to be running at me. I was glad that it wasn't chasing anyone else there. Grabbed the wolf as it leaped towards my face with its teeth, and started petting it. It struggled for a bit, trying to bite me in the face in some way or other but it eventually gave up. The wolf kept shrinking the more I petted it, until eventually I lost it in the fabric of my clothing.

Dream: A cult

I think I was formless, at least in the beginning when I followed a couple of people walk into a "witchy" building. Witchy because it was made of stone and wood, and looked old. Apparently one of the couple was new to this cult, so the people introduced them to their core principles. Everything seemed okay until they started a ritual or something I guess. Then suddenly everyone in the room turned towards me (did I accidentally take a form?) and started to chant things like "You are one of the ??? Samaritans, you are one of us, one of us" or something along the lines. I have forgotten the word ???, but I suspect it might have been "first", "last", "true" or whatever. Due to the people turning towards me and chanting suspicious stuff in a creepy way, I left (vanished). The "you are one of us, one of us" part I still heard while I was in the void between the dream and waking up. They spelled "us" with a hissing Slytherin 'S'.

Scheduled: Internal struggles

A copy of some of my posts on the Discord server from Sunday.

Disclaimer: With these posts I'm not implying anything, don't worry. Just describing some of my internal struggles.
I hope that you either won't make the same mistakes or that you take the consequences into account.

For a couple of years or so, I've been feeling like I've missed my chance at life.
I used to think less of people who had a life, for their productivity and philosophical depth often seemed lower. Now I see it the other way around. All of them have homes and families, they're happy with their lives and so on. Actually I am inferior, always have been and it seems that it's too late now. Similar to what Hodgins said to Violet in Violet Evergarden (and what a former colleague also told me a while ago), my body and mind are also burning from all the past choices and actions. I used to have good health and I used to be proud of it, while at the same time I took it for granted. Used to drown sadness in studying and work. Now this body is somewhat worn and it seems that I can't work much overtime even if I wanted to.

On the other hand, I probably also would not have felt content with my life even if I had one. There would still be this longing for something beyond normal. It used to feel like whatever it was which I was longing for, was just behind the veil separating the physical and non-physical realms. However, since 2012 that's gone as well. Since then there hasn't even been anything to long for. It reminds me of continuing to play a single player game after the campaign is finished, with maybe just a few side-quests yet to be explored.

Over the years I've seen that sometimes there are things which need to be done. If I'm willing to do any of them and  when the time is right, it will be possible for me to do them. However, if I don't, then simply someone else does them (without needing any coordination on my part). Therefore, I consider myself expendable.

This is exactly what my literature teacher warned our class against and I more-or-less laughed at it. The literature teacher said:
"Ignore the political situation, lack of financial independence, lack of a house, lack of a car and get yourself a family. Then maybe start worrying about the rest."
"Postpone existential questions until retirement, or avoid these at all."

While I did not literally laugh at it, my reaction was more like "yeaah suuure /s. I've been pondering about existential questions since I was born, why should I stop now? Also, who needs a family anyway?"

Potential solution

Remembered again that the only thing which matters is the lifestyle and attitude towards everything. And even that only matters when you make it matter (so it's a part of the lifestyle and attitude). And that's also what Violet Evergarden was mostly about, at least for me.

A bunch of dreams

A bit sick (sigh, again)

On Thursday morning my left eye felt rather suspicious, so I applied some eye drops again. These only made things worse and I had to ask a colleague to take me back home from work. A short nap made things better again, though. Regardless of the problem with the left eye again, I had to visit the toilet every 20 min or so for a leak. Also had a stomach ache, a mild headache and had to clear my throat way too frequently. Probably side-effects from catching a little cold from visiting the woods the weekend prior.

Regardless, I failed to even compete with the other people on the bus. There was a lot of coughing all around me. Probably people scared of the Corona virus, I thought. I wonder if viruses also compete. That is, if a body is already infected with one virus, would the other viruses wait in the queue?

Visualized swimming in a pool of healing liquid (glowing green). Also visualized hugging worn-out bodyparts with love.

Dream: Body transforming

I was somewhere in some abandoned buildings, looking for my way out. It felt as if the body was transforming according to a beacon signal. The beacon was the sound of birds chirping in the nature (probably inspiration from the weekend in the woods).

Dream: Everything breaking down

Today morning I had a dream where I was packing for a flight to the UK (for some reason). Actually I had packed for a bus trip to the capital city, to visit grandparents.

Anyway, at some point some water pipes started leaking and I had to fix those. Then some electronics thing broke and had to fix that. Checked the time and deduced that there was no way I would make it on the bus in time. Then the ceiling lamp broke and I woke with my left eye watering in pain.

Still visited grandparents. I had some trouble trying to print out the tickets because the phone failed to download anything. Had to transfer the tickets to Google Drive and open from there.

Dream: SpaceX booster crash

I think it was yesterday that I had this dream. I was at the summerhouse when I saw something in the sky and went outside to investigate. Saw a SpaceX booster with a trail of smoke and fuel crash into the trees in the back yard.

Dream: Water reservoir

Today I took a nap and ventured further down a path than I had ever been. For some reason I had always hesitated to go there before. This time I quickly glanced at the warning signs and simply waltzed in through the open gate. There was a person (like a guardian of sorts, I think) standing at quite a distance to my left. He informed me that I had reached the water reservoir, the last thing on the edge of that realm. Fair enough, the surroundings of the water reservoir were fuzzy and only half-formed.

I could not estimate the size of the reservoir because the view was blocked by a fence to my right. I had to get closer to the edge of the reservoir to see further towards the right. However, keeping the distance was what the warning signs had been about. I did not dare to go too close. While I thought I could guesstimate the size of the reservoir, there would've been no way for me to determine the depth. I did not ask the guardian about these things, for dimensions don't hold a meaning in dreams.