I'm not a surgeon

Said "should go to sleep"to Hyena, via Skype last night. Right when I said it, the lamp in his bedroom turned off on its own.

Relaxed the body before falling asleep. Also took off the shields on the skull. Felt something unhealthy drip down through the nostrils. Woke up tired, with a mild headache.

A few days ago, received the new charger for the laptop. Got a new battery for the laptop today. Plugged it in .. nothing. Knew that the power button had given up. Sighed and went to the lab where I was headed anyway. Looked at those tiny wires under a microscope and thought I could barely spot some defects through the isolation.

Looked at it, thinking how I would go about cutting those wires and re-soldering them. Suddenly, the whole laptop fell under the table. Fuck. Never before have I managed to drop a computer from such a height, without any protection. Felt bad about it, with adrenalin rushing throughout the body .. is it still alive? For how long does the hard-drive last now that it has been smashed to the floor like that?

Found the power button completely ripped off .. it had flown quite a distance from the laptop. No longer had to worry about how to cut the wires and resolder them. Took a scalpel and filleted glue off the contacts. Soldered it back. Worked. Stuffed it back and pumped it full of some random superglue so that it wouldn't fall off every minute or two.

Is this it?

When I focus on it, that addictive wheel of karma seems to be a mix of the following:

• a pile of sadness
• a feeling of not being worthy of something, but what's it worth to be worthy anyway
• an urge to be alone and meditate in a remote area for a long time
• freedom from the restrictions applied by the society
• detachment from worldly desires

Definitely an interesting bunch, because no matter what I do, it can still be interpreted as a weakness (whether it be becoming a hermit or living in the communities).

So, I guess I would need to live both, or at least acquire experience of both (can source from past lives or the current lives of others, too). No, actually, living both at the same time seems even better. I'm sure I've gotten to experience both, but not both simultaneously yet. This way there's no loss nor win.

There's one way I know this can be done. From 800 and self-hatred to 700 - A beautiful mix. And I can't do it by trying to remember it from the past. Over-emphasizing the past spins another infinite wheel of karma.

What is it?

Yesterday morning, there was an exam that I knew would go wrong. A few days before the exam, a choice popped up in my mind: whether to have a normal exam, skipping the educational value or to have it turn out as a real killer .. which would prove the current school system outdated. Agreed that I wouldn't care about my grades and a failure for a greater purpose is totally worth it.

Haven't seen such an exam yet. Would've been impossible for me to do it all on time. Still, it had its effect on me. Ego and consciousness got withdrawn. It's been a long while, since there's been such a concentration of consciousness in the body. Everything seems so much easier when the consciousness is not smeared all over the place (within a lot of objects and people). Pk and geisting leaped a lot, every other thought. Practised the feeling of levitation and got the feeling of a coherent body pretty much without effort.

Sent a facebook friend request to Michael Grubb. My friend Hyena has been recommending a lot of posts and I haven't been able to read them. Knowing, just how inactive I am on facebook, I found this post:

Got rid of some un-needed weight.

The way I look at it, if you're on my friend's list, but NEVER communicate...then its just as good as if you were never on my friend's list to begin with.

Friends are people that I interact with and have contact with on a semi-regular basis. That may not be the way that others look at it, but, it certainly is the way that I do. Having tons of numbers of inactive friends means virtually nothing to me.

Well .. and then Hyena mentions how he had told Grubb to accept my friend request and stuff. WTF? A lot of posts with the same content have been popping up now. Old friends commenting that their number of friends has exceeded 2^8 so that they need to start removing them, etc.

Love and respect to Michael Grubb, Hyena, psychokinesis activeboard and mankind in general. If any of them would need some air to breathe, I would be the first one to volunteer to go away, because I know I can live without it.

Sometimes it hurts to see, what people have to go through, in order for me to get what I want. Blablablab .. continues on April 13th, here. Amazingly addictive wheel of karma .. what is this.

On another note, while browsing facebook .. sigh .., I suddenly found consciousness out of body (spanning from the body to the right of it). Within perhaps 10 seconds, consciousness slid through the body and to its left. Then gradually concentrated into the body again.

That's one of the most intense and the longest of these glitches, so far.

Disintegration of reality

Meditated in front of the mirror yesterday. For a moment, awareness of the mind degraded and it felt as if the wobbly and unstable reality would disintegrate, if I managed to go a little deeper. Cool.. though, the excitement got me.


Have been sleeping a lot, recently. Slept listening to this, last night:

A lot of thanks to Hyena, who shared it with me.

Dreams have been rather boring lately. Shooting and stuff. Perhaps too much studying while listening to trailer music?

Also, rather often I've felt heat radiating upwards from the lower body.

That's a lot of cookies

Hmm .. thought it would be nice if I could manifest some pastries in the oven or something. Well, we had brought some cookies and stuff from the store, earlier today.

Then, in the evening, after a pack of cookies had been depleted, father found a 3 kg box of cookies on the fridge.

A couple of hours later, sister comes into the room, saying she bought cookies as well. Cool .. love cookies =D.

Another visit

Read the following note by Michael Grubb yesterday:

Satan, or, the Personality Otherwise Known As, “The Machine.”

Focused more on the feeling of unconditional love towards everything again. At the moment, I feel a bit tensed up again, though.

An evening discussion with the extrasensory girl from India. While moving furniture around, she had found a photo of the father of the girl who had rented the flat before. She had me open up the envelope and take out the photo, to show it to the rest of us. The photo had adhesive goo (or whatever it's called) on it and didn't want to come out of the envelope. Really had a hard time trying to extract it without damaging the envelope too much. Put the envelope back on the fridge, away from her bedroom.

The man on the photo looked nice and calm. No bad intentions whatsoever. Love, care and respect only. She said it wouldn't matter, because in their belief system, it's the way one dies that's important (this man had died in a car accident). Father and I: "Why? That would not be logical in any way, so, why believe in something that doesn't really make any sense.."

The way we saw this ghost .. the man tried to help her, but there might've been a misinterpretation due to beliefs.

Discussed tantra and I realized that's not my path. After reading the aforementioned Grubb's article, I've started to question yoga even more. It seems logical that if most of the religions have been designed on traps, then the same would go for yoga (which is rapidly increasing in popularity, recently). Like Grubb always points out, how important are love and respect, which is always the key (andreidionisie is correct). For a long time, there has been this problem of not feeling this love directly. That is, just having a memory of what it felt like. The memory can be used to recover the real thing, but that's still pretty much the same as being dependent on yoga.

We went outside. Met an interesting person .. researching the devil in Estonian folklore .. at least, until he's satisfied with his career and can devote more to his interest in psychic powers and other paranormal phenomena. Described some of my experiments and shared contacts.

While discussing world politics with dad, I suddenly saw a white flash of light reflect from the wall (we have a plastic film painting there, with a shiny surface). Found that peculiar. Earlier today, I thought I saw through the surface of a gaming mouse (blue LEDs through the black matte plastic).

Spreading and merging at the same time

It's confirmed that it was dust. After taking one of the air purifiers into this room, I immediately started feeling better.

Perhaps it wasn't that good of an idea to meditate next to one of those, a few days ago. Well, it did feel different .. saw everything become warm red, felt some sort of a slight tingling sensation move around. Felt tired after that session.

Yesterday, there was a lot of chat on interesting subjects. Eh, was it yesterday? Anyway, an officer popped up, whom I had met in service. He's a strong psion since birth, but afraid of this stuff. At the same time, another old friend shared some wisdom from Michael Grubb.

Awesome, the number of psions and the number of people seeking enlightenment seems to be increasing exponentially.

Something

Weird, woke up with strong symptoms of allergy or cold today morning (running nose, exhausted kidneys, sore throat). Can't remember feeling cold, so the dust would seem more likely. But then again, why today and not yesterday or the day before?

Now that I think about it, I remember something hiding in a few places in the body (throat, neck, back of the head). Focusing on these areas might have unpacked something that has actually been there for months.

Recently I've seen streaks of shadows and light. Something that disappears right when it catches my attention.

Zettai Karen Children: The Unlimited is just perfect. Really deep.

800 Self-hatred? Why? Where?

Somebody had to run and disconnect the antennas at the groundstation, due to thunder again. After sitting at the laptop for several days, I thought I would take a little walk and meditate on the balcony after coming back.

Found the minds of others amazingly easy to read. While walking towards home with a friend, I knew where our roads would part.

Randomized my path and went through a store. An old lady at the counter entered the cost of chewing gum twice. Then felt really disappointed in herself and thought maybe it was because she was tired. With her own self-suggestion, she then became tired and started yawning.

Today morning, I was writing a practical report in wiki for homework, when the laptop froze again .. cpufreq-set segfault. Before that, I did get a couple of signals like "I'll get to rewrite that sentence anyway." and "Click Save now.. Just a sec, I'll write one more paragraph there."

Found something interesting in me when it happened that the whole report was lost. Suddenly I saw sincere hatred inside me. What was really interesting about it, it was hatred towards my existence, which didn't seem logical in any way. Want to find out what's this about.

Recently I've been "forcing" psi intensity a bit more, and clearing a couple of blockages in the channels. This forceful approach is thorny and has affected the throat area and caused a slight headache. From 700 A beautiful mix, this forcefulness must be there, but balanced out with gentleness and caring.

Perhaps this forcefulness and a desire for power is what has ignited this old construct of self-hatred..?

Recently I've also been feeling a strong push through the tongue and upper plate in the mouth. Khechari mudra might be pretty effective now..

Some psychokinesis, too

Meanwhile in toilet..
Consciousness became entrained to a package of toilet paper rolls. Tried to change its weight, practicing levitation. At first, the package moved slightly and then jumped up by about 1 cm or something. Cool..

Outside, there's often a nice feeling of consciousness spanning a tree or two, volumetrically. Occasionally I've practiced swaying them without the use of wind.

Peaceful dreams

Two days ago, there was a thunderstorm right when I went to bed after my operator time late in the evening. Had been longing for the first lightning for quite a while already.

For the first time, I experienced lightning in a personified form. We made a deal not to play in the radius of a few kilometers from the ground-station antennas. Lightning as well as its personification felt like love, and just a bit different from animals or trees.

While playing with it / them / him / her / that / whatever, both of our excitement or emotions yielded flashes and lightning strikes. Noticed that I was still experiencing fear, worrying about electricity and electronics all over the town. That construct didn't like fear nor a busy mind, and lost interest in playing with me after a while. Apparently, quite a lot of electronics were damaged that night.. a lot of servers went down, a large-scale blackout the next morning. Luckily, the ground station was unharmed.

Last night I had an interesting dream. Spent most of the night at a marsh somewhere. An amazingly peaceful and beautiful place .. warm, too. I was fascinated .. a lot of tiny natural lights, a lot of grass and a moist atmosphere. I was alone there .. or close to being alone. I guess there might've been a friend, who brought me there.

Woke up in the morning, at "another home". Had memories of my previous home, knew it was at a distance and that I would go back there soon. I guess it might've been a building of stone. Did something on the computer there, perhaps some discussion with the family and left the building for going back to the "previous home". Leaped and half-flew out the town gates. Looked back .. had come from an old-town up on a mound. The buildings looked neatly renovated and it was really beautiful against the background of a blue sky with small white clouds swimming about. There was a slight wind, too. Another really amazing experience.

Before waking up, I had a tantra fail. Sighed. Woke up again later, to find that there had been no leak physically .. even though I felt it physically. So, tantra fail in another body? I did come from that "other home", alright.

Air conditioning was malfunct at school. Found it cold. A good russian psychic popped into mind, who hummed a sound and melted plastics in his hands. Had totally forgotten about him for several years. Anyway, tried something alike .. and it became warmer quickly.

Recently, empathy with animals, trees, people has leaped a lot.

Ah well

Hectic workdays and -nights, suddenly. Have been feeling somewhat tired for the past few days.

Encountered a friend on my way home yesterday evening. He said he had shown that Michael Grubb demonstration video to his brother and that his brother had become really psyched about it. .. would be real neat to have a friend in town to practice pk with.

Contrast

The last 2 days have been rather hot .. 32 *C or so.

A lot of contrast recently.

One moment there's tension in the chest and a lot of psi being suppressed. The next moment there's waves of heat propagating up the spine.

It has happened about 2 or 3 times that I've seen a black bug from the corner of my eyes. First, crawling on the wall next to bed (saw it with the eyes closed). Next time saw it crawling up the wall to my left (with my eyes open). Now just a moment ago, I saw it crawling on my T-shirt.

Recently there have been several moments of realization as well.

It's late and I feel psi intensity rising fast. Should go to bed.

A historic day

A few hours of sleep, followed by a successful launch.

In order to counter the fear of geisting during such a historic event, I focused on an image of a constantly meditating sage in white robes, emitting white light. Associated this image with the feeling of being in the moment. This effectively calmed me down again, and helped against being sleepy as well.

The rest of the day was full of excitement and joy. Occasionally continued with the meditation, to even out all those emotions.

It has been a really hot (23 *C), though windy day today. While coming back home in the evening, I found an outdoor thermometer still displaying 23 *C. Judging by the feeling, I thought "This can't be. It should have decreased by a few degrees already." Looked back and it displayed 21 *C. A live patch in group experience?

Zettai Karen Children

Synchronicity has increased.

Watched some episodes of "Zettai Karen Children". The last one was where they visited a bathhouse for a day off. Then watched the last Naruto Shippuuden episode with dad. Fellows visited a bathhouse for a day off.

I like the pk in "Zettai Karen Children", but some episodes seem rather childish with all that hentai humor. A deeper storyline would be nice.. and dialogues spiced with spiritual wisdom.. =P

There's a rather strong wind today.

Slept a lot, to make up for the end of the last week.

Inspired for becoming more awakened.

hour med

An old buddy asked whether I still practised meditation. He had the same problem after military service .. spirituality normalized out.

Shared this amazing demonstration video by Michael Grubb:

Browsing through Michael's videos, he found this one:

Thanks a lot for all of these.. decided to take the time and meditate for about an hour again.

This meditation session was different from the ones before. For most of the time, I was in the darkness or void with depth. Occasionally there were flashes of white light. Saw some more subtle fears and shields, for protecting this body from my own pk and geisting. Released them.

A lot of interesting options / feelings. Mind sure got tangled real often. Which wasn't always a bad thing..

Between the realms

Focused on a tree and swung it a little without the use of wind yesterday.

Slept for a couple of hours on the floor somewhere at work last night. Found it rather interesting, how I would lose awareness of the body and the memory of that place. Then, at some moment, I would glance inwards and rediscover the feeling .. when I focus on it, I find myself back in this realm.

Woke up 5 minutes before the phone rang, even though I was pretty tired (multiple late nights of testing stuff remotely and waking early the next morning).

Observed the mind a couple of nights ago. A lot of tiny constructs of different colors moving about. Haven't seen it this colorful before. Actually, this time there were just colors .. no images unless I focused on something.

Launch was postponed due to high wind at high altitudes.

Oh man, really want to be focused on the same intelligence again from a couple of years ago. Felt a lot more aware, a lot wiser and saw everything through .. everything felt logical and predictable. With it, there was a sensation of bliss, too.

That wind

Bought and played some Mirror's Edge again. Love the lighting, soundtrack, running and the feeling of freedom..

Focused on an object in one of the dreams yesterday night. The image of the object quickly became wobbly and started morphing around. Continued with it for some minutes.

That wind, it seems like a geist. It's been rather stormy for weeks, at least whenever I go outside. Whenever I would intend on applying stasis on it, it would become really intense. When I stop thinking about it, the wind slows down. Also, around me, wind sometimes changes its direction. When I try to feel the wind, the trees and the grass moving, then it also slows down.

There's some sort of a weird installation on one of the floors at school. Thought of playing pk and recording it under cover. Wanted to take a key back to its cabinet. Came back and found the place occupied. Went home, instead.