Argh .. I'm not that weak

I think I realized the point of pewep's avatar on the forum (healthy body, mind and spirit + the intent or desire to improve all of the three in balance).

Maintained focus on the feeling of this realization for about 12 hours. Couldn't focus on it afterwards, for some reason. The feeling unpacked into a visualization of athlete body full of life energy. This had some interesting effects. It transformed the painful blob of energy in the heart chakra into a tingly pleasureful ball of warmth. The same with other body parts, which the visualization encompassed.

Leaked last night, while focused on the visualization. Almost every time I leak, happens after catching cold the previous day / evening. Thus, I'm inclined to think that the body extracts life force from its own products for healing purposes. Lifeless products are then expelled.

Recently I've realized just how much I tend to lean against weakness. In other words, most of my issues seem to stem from my habit of falling back to my comfort zone. Recently I've come to think that all lack of skill, illness comes from the clinging to a visualization of comfort in disability. It's a perfect excuse. A perfect excuse provides the feeling of comfort and safety for the ego.

I think I'm also slowly starting to realize what the military saying "pain is weakness leaving the body" was about.

Anyway, the last couple of weeks have been pretty tough. All days full-booked with meetings and work. Tons of work, none of it should officially be my responsibility. It's all someone else's work they have not done. This not-taking-responsibility-of-others'-work is one of my perfect excuses. This is one of the lessons that hasn't sunk in just yet. I try to do the chores without whining .. or when I find myself whining, I would boost my willpower: "No, I'm not that weak. I'll do it as well as I can and if that is not good enough, then I'll learn to do it better." The solution is learning to turn _EVERYTHING_ into a meditation, so that I'll start to enjoy everything, no matter what I'm doing. This is the (only?) stepping stone towards the mastery of all there was, is, and ever will be. This is my path.

Positive feedback loop

Not a healthy thing to do, but today I experienced myself as an amplifier in a positive feedback loop.

Visited a bank office at a shopping mall. A mother and two kids were walking down the hall and past me. One of the kids passed by very close to me. He was in a bad mood, angry. As he got closer, I felt the anger wash over me .. somehow it was amplified until something snapped (as if something burned out into a short-circuit) and the kid started crying. Since I haven't experienced such a situation in such a way before, I did not try to stop or transform anything .. I simply observed it as it happened (all within a second or so).

For me this was temporary and within the limits of what the body and mind can tolerate. However, for the kid .. I do hope he's alright. If it weren't for the rules of this society, I would have at least discussed it with him and his mother and would've tried to fix it.

Blowing snakes

Strange dream. The culmination point was when I blew my nose and blew a snake out of each nostril (had two, btw). I think they were dead .. they looked rather pale (gray).

Edit: Also, I've been working in the dreams too much lately. Or I don't know why I'm so tired. Took a couple-of-hours nap again. At some moment I realized I'm really tired and should go to bed. At that moment I wake up, then wake up once more.

Happy

Massive 11:11 and 666 synchronicity yesterday. 11:11 showed up in at least 4 different places (e-mails, bug tracking software, file modification dates) and right when it got me to smile, then 666 popped up (due to having written more code, a breakpoint had shifted to that line).

For the past couple of nights, I've been having very vivid and lucid dreams .. and rather clear recall. Last night I was a bit surprised, how well I managed to maintain my form in a foreign environment.

A beautiful day today. Spent quite some time waiting .. which I used for concentration practice and for radiating unconditional love. Mother came home for a couple of weeks today. This also made me very happy.

Hypoglycemia

Related to diet stuff, a diagnosis (too much sugar -> adrenaline) popped to mind yesterday:
http://www.alternativementalhealth.com/articles/hypoglycemia.htm

Found the article today after verifying that a cup of cocoa caused a panic-level adrenaline rush in a couple of hours. Curiously enough, the article also mentions the issue with digestion.

A solution? Raw food instead of sweets. Avoid snacking due to stress.

Major blockage dissolving

Recently there has been spiritual progress. It seems that I learn by teaching. After posting answers or suggestions, I realize how all of it applies to me also. Since I'm teaching it, then it wouldn't be any good if I didn't practice it myself, maybe that's why it helps me.

For the past couple of days, the major blockage is dissolving. Yesterday morning I felt sick (no appetite and mild stomach ache). Though, it wasn't just stomach ache, the almost the whole body felt the same way. Sometimes there is a wave of cold that shoots through the nerve system, sometimes a wave of heat, sometimes a wave of tingling. Along with it, there's often the feeling of consciousness shifting or space-time warping. Energy feels quite strong, once it flows freely through the central channel.

Had a bright dream last night.

I'm at the summerhouse, in a room next to the kitchen. I don't know what I was doing, but I noticed that I had somehow cut into the skin of my right index finger and perhaps thumb also. So, I go to the kitchen and mention that to aunt (I think). She gives me a very large blue flying disc out of thin rubber - like a balloon (didn't know why). Anyway, I go back and try to throw the disk at a specific object in the other room. Right when I let go of the disk, it expands and fills the whole room horizontally. I consider this weird.

I go outside, throw the disk. While watching it fly, I realize I can too. I grab onto it and fly with it. I speed up even further (not sure if I've ever flown that fast in a dream). Very beautiful scenery. I fly over the forests and land at the beach somewhere .. somewhere where I was needed. As I step on the ground (asphalt), I notice that it's heavily cracked, with several words and symbols written on it. My guide also sees that. At the destination, I take out my laptop, planning to show something from it. Though, I misclick and it starts installing some random stuff (or more like everything). When I wonder about disk space, it throws errors but continues.

Rat king

Dream from a couple of days ago (during a daily nap):

I'm walking around a tall building. There's a door that I wanted to keep closed. I knew there was something evil sleeping inside. This evil had the appearance similar to rat king, with a very strong murderous intent radiating from it. I knew it was about time that it would wake up from its long sleep. Passed by the door and noticed that it wasn't fully closed. Silently pushed it all the way shut, which woke up the creature. While going down the stairs, at some moment I heard a bang - the creature had blown the door and was going for a morning stroll.

I woke up next to a gravel road when a truck passed by. I had been enjoying the warm spring weather, may back on the mud / grass. Stood up and looked around. I knew the creature was loose, but that was in another realm .. it couldn't directly influence me. However, I was aware of both realms. On this one, I was standing next to the road; on the other there were two old men in grey robes (monks? angels?). One of the men was consumed by the wrath of the rat king. The other man had golden-white wings and an untouched calmness. He recited a mantra in Spanish (seemed to have been his native language). Due to the mantra, the creature knew the man must be there somewhere, but it could not see the man, it could not do anything to the man. All that evil, which was now helpless. The creature was not happy about its wasted effort, but at the same time, astonished that something like this was even possible.

I decided to go back home. The road was muddy, so I hesitated a bit, and looked around if there was a better way .. there wasn't. Somebody had already slipped in there. Oh well..

A few dreams last night.

I'm visiting a surgery lab. There's a lot of tech, but the one who's showing me (us, actually - when taking the guide into account, who is almost always present everywhere I go) around, was especially excited about two instalments. There was a high-precision cutter with thin cutting wires. Thin and sharp objects .. this made me very cautious. He / she told each cut with the device was ridiculously expensive, then took their shoe and chamfer-cut its heel with it in a very rough and careless way. Me: WtF?

Anyway, he / she then showed me three tubes that they use for growing tissue. Each of the tubes used different materials for growing the tissue. However, all of the materials were such that the body would quickly replace them and re-grow its own tissue on the same base. The tube on the left grew tissue out of plastic (seemed very artificial). The middle and right tubes grew organic tissue. When I looked at the tubes, both of them grew tiny plants. The middle plant I think was skin-colored. The right plant was multicolored .. skin-color + purplish leaves, I think.

Before waking up, I had very vivid hypnagogic imagery. Very vivid. Not quite interactive though - I simply observed and didn't step into them. Oh, actually did step into one of them.

In that one, I was walking back home via an alternative route. At first it became very foggy, then soon after the fog disappeared and there was sunshine. They were building something big near the beach. Also, there was quite a big harbor / port along the river or channel. There were quite a few large ships at the dock. I was surprised.

Change

Couldn't sleep for several nights, up until yesterday. Reset my celibacy again yesterday, which helped to get the energy going again.

Realized it works about the same as a combustion engine - too much fuel and it'll wet the candles. Too little fuel and there's no explosion. So far it seems I've mostly cultivated fuel, up until the point when I'm no longer able to produce a spark.

So, with that in mind, I changed my focus exercise.

::TODO:: Conjure an illustration.

Something like this.

 

I would focus on male energy ascending and female energy descending into the center of the chakra. Both energies cone into a tiny dot at the chakra. This visualization I perform for any chakra that seems to be blocked.

One thing that I realized on Friday. My current perspective of how the universe works, is rather limited. With my current perspective, it's difficult to understand why the following holds:

• Say I want something to change within myself.
• It does not matter how much I think about it, the change does not happen.
• When I say it out or write it down somewhere, the change manifests instantly.
• The manifestation encompasses both past, present as well as the future.

However, one could look at it from a different perspective. Before I say it out or write it down or act on it, it has not happened. Events that don't happen (past, present nor future), cannot be changed. It is only possible to change events that happen / have happened / will happen. This point of view has a strong assumption of non-determinism. However, it goes well with the cross-time effects of the event and its changes. Hmm .. tough to put the realization into words properly. What I've written here, is easy to interpret in a way that I have not intended. Oh well.

Tim Chapman shared this presentation on sprouting, gardening, ORMUS and scalar fields:

An excellent presentation, in my opinion.

Willforce

I once experienced a burst of anxiety, which seemed to have improved my ability to concentrate quite remarkably. So, I tried to save it for that concentration instead of releasing it with rash actions.

For the past few days I've been fueling my frustration, disappointment, anger and converting it into higher-frequency energy.

A couple of days ago I willed it up the spine quite hard. For about half an hour, heart rate increased a lot as the clump of psi / energy floated through the heart chakra. It seemed to be rising in small bubbles, each of which caused abnormal beating rhythm as it passed through the chakra. Throat chakra was also quite painful as it went through.

With more psi in the crown, controlling the psi in the lower chakras has become easier. Also, I see the world more clearly.

Yesterday before bed, I stared at the mirror, visualizing love and compassion towards the person in the mirror image .. while trying to detach myself from it (so that I wouldn't associate myself with the body).

During the past few days I've encountered quite a few moments of realization about Kalachakra (the cyclic nature of the Universe), about the limitations of my own viewpoint on the world and so on.

Today I found something interesting. While standing in the lunch queue, I suddenly received a vision (feelings + images + thought patterns, etc.) that was so strong it shadowed my own. At roughly the same time, the lady before me looked at me .. so, I suspect it might've been her mindscape at that time. The vision was full of spring and so bright that it displaced my thoughts, actions and mind for at least an hour. Selected my food (which was slightly difficult, because I tried to feel from my own perspective again). Then took a seat at a table, which had very specific lighting. Somehow for that moment, that seat seemed perfect. The sun was shining at me so that a column of bright light lit the food and my crown. However, when I looked up, I was blinded. In this sunlight, I somehow saw the world differently. I saw myself better .. as if I were the sunlight .. and only by being in the sunlight could I actually see myself clearly. Lovely spring. Morning was cold and foggy, then the sky cleared up and there was pretty sunlight, then a starry sky with full moon in the evening.

Reset

Ok, my celibacy was reset during a nap in the evening. It lasted for a few months. I've even forgotten the last time it reset. I guess right when I came back from the raw food diet, I managed to get my energy channels clogged up again. The reset was a semi-conscious decision from within a dream state.

Last night I had a slightly strange dream. There was a dangerous environment and I was excited about what we could find in there. Like seeking hidden knowledge and treasures in ancient temples and tombs. Our group was driven by the same sort of excitement.

I found it very strange that all the danger was sleeping. All the beasts, soldiers stood like frozen statues. I quietly walked around them, trying not to wake them. However, some of our group started killing them (to make sure they won't be able to harm us when they wake up). They were surprised that the flesh and blood was real .. these beings were alive, although frozen.

Anyway, we made it to some other room, where everyone found something that they desired or were looking for. For example, I found high technology (it was very glitchy in this dream state). Since it was that glitchy (circuits cut and several pieces laying through each-other - physics engine fail), I did not want to take it with me .. I simply observed it for inspiration. Anchored the area for visiting it later, in case we might need something from there.

Today I forced willpower. I didn't like the idea of walking 1.5x the long distance home. So I used this dislike / frustration for the energy flow. Focused on that for most of my way home.