Gravediggin

First an angle saw, then 5 cm by 5 cm with a pneumatic hammer, pickaxe and shovels. A few hours later reached gravel. About 70 cm we had to dig into the limestone. By the end of the day (about 6 hours later), the grave pit was done.

At first it was warm, around -13 *C without wind. By the end of the day, however, a strong wind had picked up and it became pretty cold. Hadn't eaten properly for 1.5 days, so I kept running out of energy quick.

Guys drank vodka and made a lot of jokes since morning already. It seems it's a custom or something to get drunk with amnesia before the funeral or something. Couldn't sleep too well with all this drunk ramblings and impolite jokes. Sensed a lot of sadness in people, whereas I didn't feel any different. Others thought it was because I hadn't spent that much time with uncle. I don't think that's true. It seems logical that after one has lost enough dear ones, it no longer makes sense for them to cling to people in their material form.

At the graveyard, I noticed something peculiar about the wind. As the wind picked up, it nudged my back first (as if a really strong gust of wind pushed against my back, while the wind seemed very localized). Looked around - no wind, nothing. A few minutes later, the same happened - looked around and saw the branches of the trees swaying a little. It's a blizzard today and finally some more snow. :)

Can't seem to find the post on it, but once I had a dream, where I was without a body at a graveyard, at peace and enjoying the weather. My current father called me and I left the graveyard to accompany him. Still didn't have a body then. Some time later in the dream, I did. An old dream, which makes a lot more sense now. Uncle's life also makes more sense now, as well as the lives of the people feeling sad about his loss.

Finite bubbles of infinite

Suddenly realized something, when I saw my interest in science and tech from a different angle. It looked like a finite bubble that contains the infinite (can never get enough, unless I step out of the bubble). Somehow I hadn't analyzed this part of myself previously. Now that I had, the mind seemed more silent for a few hours.

Found anime, movies and stuff too childish yesterday. I guess I've gotten what I had sought.

In one of the dreams last night, I saw myself leak psi again. Ego kept fighting for its survival again. Decided to do something about it, focused on the unrefined psi, which was the cause of all this. Visualized it being burned and purified into fine psi. Heat was produced and the amount of this heavy unrefined psi lessened. Started feeling lighter, more transparent and better in general :)

Difficult compassion

Watched Code Geass yesterday. It's thrilling, though, it looks like one of those typical series where the main character takes actions and the whole series is spent on himself or others whining about the consequences.

With Code Geass, I found it difficult to forgive the actions and consequences of the characters. Took me pretty much the whole night to do that. The practice was not much different from white skeleton meditation .. targeted the cloud of darkness piece by piece, focusing on a piece until it became transparent (allowing golden light to shine through) and faded away, producing heat. With each major breakthrough, furniture in the room snapped.


Sister had also realized that we had been selfish in wishing uncle to become well again. By doing this, we were imposing our own will on him and stopping him from leaving when he might have wanted to. Sometimes there might be a thin line between torture and healing. As it turned out, both of us had let him go roughly at the same time.

Attempted to levitate a roll of toilet paper. Within the few minutes, it just twitched a little. Need more concentration practice.

Uncle died

Teach me to fly

When targeting the throat chakra, focus tends to wander down towards the heart. Also, some time ago when focusing on the throat chakra, I found a construct of a large machine aimed at the center of the chakra. This machine focused consciousness into a really tiny point. When compared to my usual focus, the intensity was now inconceivable.

Alertness in the dreams has reduced a little in the meanwhile.

One of the dreams stood out. Entered a room and found Caspar flying around real happy. He had just recently learned to levitate. Wanted to learn to fly as well. I guess there was a third being (couldn't see nor sense them) in the room, who then focused on me (did sense the being then). While the being was applying focus on something inside my consciousness, various doubts surfaced. Sensed that this being wouldn't be able to help me with the doubts. These doubts would in fact disable the effort that this being put forth to help me. Tried to solve the problems and overcome the doubts as fast as I could. Feared I wouldn't be fast enough. Attempted to overcome this fear as well.

I guess I became lost in the dreams at some point. Can't remember what happened next.

Ego hurt

A nice and beautiful day.

Ego was pretty stressed and got hurt by a lot of things. To ego, everyone seemed as if geared up against it.

Cool, can focus on the top of the head again.

Felt like watching some anime. Picked "Angel Beats!" this time.

Psicat

Due to this headache, I moved the point of focus down to the throat chakra.

An interesting experience. While I was dreaming, an entity from outside the dream world came near me. That weird tingly feeling as it entered the aura and stopped at the right side of the neck. It was the same black cat from the previous post, licking the right side of my neck. That felt very weird .. cat interacting with the psi directly. Mind started to worry about it, what if the cat would suddenly bite into the neck? Since the cat was purely an energy form, I couldn't see it, I couldn't touch it, I wouldn't have been able to defend myself with that dream mind. The cat did no harm :)

Though, dreams were not as lucid as the previous nights when I put forth more effort to maintain the focus 24/7.

Today after lunch and fresh air, the headache almost disappeared. I was very happy.

Now I've moved the point of focus back to the top of the head, trying not to push it too much.

Edit: Maybe that was not a good idea. Moved focus back to the throat chakra.

Bitten by myself

Ow, right hemisphere hurts a little.

I've had problems pinpointing the bindu. So, last night I moved the point of focus a bit further back on the skull.

Several moments of consciousness being shifted into the void, without body awareness or any senses.

Switched from focusing on a point to focusing on myself sitting on the bindu. Experienced a shift of consciousness. Enjoyed sitting in the faint pleasure and smell of burning incense sticks (there were no incense sticks in my room, btw) for some time.

I guess I was slowly sinking in from the pleasure and light at the top of the head, into a slightly more murky and darker place. Eventually lost awareness there.

A strange dream. Actually more like an OBE. I was a black cat walking around in the shallow white snow outside. At the same time, I was its surroundings (those small fir trees, the road, the snow), as well as a man walking down the road not far from the cat. I guess I channelled more of the consciousness into that man. In this process, I became less aware of the cat's body. Suddenly, somehow the cat leaped at the man's (my) left arm and bit it. As it did so, I saw and felt the cat's teeth, jaws, muscles, blood vessels, etc. inside out. I was the cat biting the man and I was the man being bitten at the same time. Something did not seem right about the cat, though. There was something inside its mouth or throat, which did not seem normal. Analytical overlay: rabies?

Edit: Saw that not-a-star again last night, pulsing in through the balcony window.

Concentration practice

Uncle has fallen into a coma.

Concentration practice on a bindu (have targeted the one in the crown chakra again) has had an effect on the dreams. I've started to remember entire conversations from within the dreams.

Have been also feeling pretty floaty every now and then. Empathy has become more intense again (touch, smell senses, emotions and thoughts on objects in a movie or on a picture).

Occasionally I've also seen light emanating from the area of focus.

There have been a few moments, when I've experienced something opening up, something dripping down from there, etc. During one of these experiences, there was a mild sharp pain in a point slightly above the head (when I focused on that).

Drooling

Drooling for what Owltwelve has described on the forum. Pleasure that unfolds when one focuses on the tiny bindu points inside the chakras. 2nd puberty, astral travel into the apertures inside the bindu points, etc.

So awesome.

Too bad I haven't gotten anywhere near that yet. Haven't even managed to learn to OBE on will. I'm seeking for what might be the key problem holding me back. Then, after I've found something, it wears out in a couple of days and there I am seeking for another key again. An infinite effort trying to find something to start from, only to find that I've yet again forgotten some important aspects (the other keys which I had found just months ago).

He also emphasized the importance of celibacy. Well, so far I've managed to keep celibacy only until it has stopped on its own. Perhaps with constant focus on bindu, I could learn to use it up before it overflows the tank and causes me to lose celibacy again.

Argh .. want to get that 24/7 focus on a bindu point going again.

Edit: When I focus attention into a point this small, it tends to wander around and falls off the spot. Nvm, found a workaround - shrink the consciousness, that is visualizing the point, in on the point.

Bizarre dreams

Tooth problems as well as work-related tests have messed with the sleeping schedule a bit. Went to sleep early last night.

Ah, by the way, since this tooth has now penetrated the gums, there's another one coming.

Played some sort of an RPG adventure video game in one dream. At the same time, explored some sort of strange symmetry in the universe. Realized something, which my mind can't comprehend yet.

In another dream, I found myself in a foreign apartment block. Don't know if we had moved or not .. just that it was different. Went outdoors, stopped and stared at another 9-storey apartment block building. The building was so slanted that it had me wonder how people manage to live there (cupboards and shelves sliding across the room, the need for stairs on the floor surface, etc.). This puzzled me, until the apartment block collapsed. Startled at first, but then accepted what had happened. This wasn't the only building that was slanted, though. Soon, another one collapsed at a distance. Stared at our apartment block, which seemed steady and would most likely stand there for hundreds of years to come.

Walked around the corner of our apartment block building to find what I had thought to be the cause for those slanted buildings - a large excavation site. Several bulldozers were roaming about, yellow-hatted workers walking around. When I had reached the site, suddenly there were a lot of other people behind me, wanting to go past me as I was standing on the edge of a wall. To let people through, I jumped off. It seemed a fairly high drop, but people jumped after me.

Down there, I kept a safe distance from the ruins of what seemed like a Soviet Union tunnel system that was now collapsing. A couple of workers narrowly escaped some of those bricks falling from an archway. Out of nowhere, a herd of tourists appeared on top the ruins. They had no idea of the dangers and kept crawling in, falling, jumping, coming down. Once down here, they looked like kids. A lot of them got injured, not sure if any of them died.

I was still standing there, looking into the depths of the ruins of the tunnel system. Some time later, a couple emerged from the tunnel system - my uncle (the one, who had a brain tumor) and his wife. They came out unharmed, worrying not about anything collapsing. Uncle was perfectly healthy and well. He told me he didn't find "the rods".

Apparently, they had entered the tunnel system a long time ago, to find a few components for some sort of an amplifier device I was building. However, they had been in the tunnel system for so long that I couldn't even remember them having entered (or maybe they went there on their own?). On the other hand, I knew the dark corners of the tunnel system by heart .. had been there a lot (without remembering, when exactly). I had also thought there were no "rods" there. It had been a while since I last met them, so I was real happy to see them again :).

Happy lunch

Forgot to mention a dream in the previous post. It was a warm and sunny day and there was a group of us at the seaside not far from our farmhouse. We had gone there to simply enjoy the weather and the sea. After being there for some time, and having discussed a lot of cool subjects, I noticed a thunder cloud in the distance. The more I looked at it, the closer it became. It was a strange cloud, because the lightning was continuous - no separable strikes but always hitting the sea while moving around. Eventually noticed how the forks of lightning affected the water - it sort of splashed it around, almost as if repelling water. Showed it to other people, we packed our stuff and left the seaside. A very calm, cool and yet powerful dream.

Last night I found myself in an unstable reality-like environment. I was in my room, as were a couple of other people. Not sure what they were doing, but I decided to take a small plastic bag, place it on a nail on the wall and levitate it around the room.

Something amazing happened today. I ate a full lunch, after which, I suddenly realized just how happy I am. What an euphoric feeling. Probably due to the tooth problems, I hadn't eaten properly for days. It's cool how something this small can bring so much happiness.

Imagine the unimaginable

Some pk-healing to recover from this pain. Slept more-or-less okay last night. Pain suddenly got worse at 4 - 5 AM, but pretty much disappeared by morning.

Took several naps yesterday. I guess the pain kept me in a half-sleep state. Wandered places and talked with other beings about stuff. While usually I'm not pleased with the slowness of my spiritual progress, then in that state it seemed okay. Actually, my worldly attempts at OBE, psychokinesis, etc. seemed sort of lame and boring from there.

Remembered that a few days ago, I had an idea for meditation. Tried to visualize a dense homogenous sphere in the void where there is no light (thus, can't see the sphere), no sound (can't hear) and no limbs can reach the sphere in the void (thus, can't touch it). In other words, tried to visualize something that can't be visualized with normal senses. I like the idea, though, I didn't see any progress there.

Delivery of pain

A couple of days ago:
Ugh .. a lot of dormant psi. The whole body feels so full of thick psi that it's difficult to force myself to sit at the laptop and do schoolwork. Also, such an uncomfortable feeling tends to make me a bit bitter (psi bursting out).

Today(night):
A wisdom tooth is cutting through the gums. Can't sleep because of the pain. Observed the nerve cells and the way the sensation of pain arises. With intention, turned off one signal .. shortly after that another one. Well, although the sensation of pain disappeared, there's still a bunch of nerve cells in constant firing. This seems to have a constant chain-reaction effect on about 1/3 of the body. This also disables sleep. Listening to music indicates that due to all this noise in the nerve system, one of the ears is slightly less sensitive.

Dad said uncle has probably pretty much recovered from the brain tumor. However, now there's something worse: pneumonia (probably due to feeding him and it being difficult for him to swallow - which is why in the hospital they would've fed him through pipes). Oh well..

Embarrassment

It seems people are at a loss as to how to refer to me. Yesterday an old friend addressed me "your greatness". I answered "pff =D". He then replied "Oh, ok, your debility", which I also found a bit strange =D. Or maybe it's not strange at all. I don't know what or how to think about myself either. On the other hand, by acting without thinking about it today I behaved quite weird.

Last night I sought for more of old karmic traces and focusing in on them and staring at them. Given enough time, they transformed into heat. A lot of heat was produced and a lot of psi travelled up the spine.

While in astral or something, I focused consciousness at a region below the feet. This caused me to leak psi.

Had strange dreams.

In one of them, there was a foreign lecturer on some subject. Sat next to a friend, eager to listen to the lecturer. Felt tired. A colleague comes and somehow manages to sit on me. I considered it uncomfortable and pulled myself away. Looked for another place to sit, feeling embarrassed.

Realized that my stuff is still on the table. This was another table, which indicated that I had initially been sitting somewhere else. Thus, I had occupied the chair of someone else. The table with my stuff on it didn't feel mine. I guess someone had occupied the table or something, so I felt embarrassed for having my stuff laying on someone else's table.

While I was putting my stuff (books and .. playing cards??!??) into a bag to move somewhere else, I suddenly found myself at a girl's desk, putting her cards into my bag. Apologized and started putting her cards back on her desk, wondering how I even got into such an embarrassing situation.

Well, when I think back to me behaving weird today, this dream describes the situation the best. Entered a car over a pulled-down seat. Could've pulled the seat up first .. no, I ignored that, thinking I would be able to step over. Messed up and heavily leaned my back against a pretty girl sitting next to me, in order to pull my tangled boots out. Embarrassing.. The consequences of a simple mistake as simple as not pulling the seat back up before stepping into a car.

Spiritual Journey is Down

Sorry..
I was wrong and promoted my broken interpretation to others.
19 - The Spiritual Journey is Down seems so much better.

Previously I was convinced that since we are energy beings inhabiting human bodies, then the answer to "Who am I" would be the pure and bright presence of an unconditionally loving consciousness. Following this train of thought, any personality issues would be like spots of dirt (some miserably failed constructs or thought patterns) on the perfect white clothes of this consciousness. I was so convinced that even though father always told me otherwise, I didn't take him seriously.

Now I'm convinced that this dirt is worth at least as much. The root of everything is in the dirt. Thus, all those pure white robes, good personality and great success are like a construct of desperate attempt to sugarcoat the stuff that just wants to be something, survive and replicate. In other words, I got it all upside down, or rather, outside inwards.

After accepting the fact that this stuff is I, looking at raw urges and emotions feels different. Sensed warmth and unconditional love radiating from them. This warmth piled up into heat in the central channel, while the pulsation of the central flame became more intense.

A lot of inspiring podcasts to choose from:
List of Dharma Ocean podcasts

Back in town

Uncle has a good friend, who's a shaman. The shaman had his apprentices explore the astral for uncle.

A couple of days ago the shaman had found something in uncle's past, which might've been the problem all along - the death of his grandparents.

The night after this was found, the condition of both uncle and his father became worse. They were okay again the next morning.
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Finally got what I had wished for - chopping firewood for the whole day. A training for various muscles and blistered hands. Eventually it became dark, so I continued with just the light of a LED from the cellphone.

Aimed with pk before the strikes and occasionally visualized a Naruto-like construct surrounding the axe, which would cut into the whole tree and split the fibres.

It became so warm that I had to chop firewood with just a T-shirt in order to avoid sweating puddles.

At night, I realized I was hearing the sound of the central flame. Somehow it was louder than usual. Focused on it while asleep, which caused heat to increase and propagate throughout the body.
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Another uncle went fishing on 3 days and got exactly 11 northern pikes in the fishing net each day. The amount of other fish varied slightly. Came home with him and arrived in the town at around 11 PM.

While on the way, I listened to the Dharma Ocean podcasts that Owltwelve had shared on the forum. I really liked the analogy of spiritual development and being eaten by a crocodile. These podcasts answered a lot of questions. I was wrong about a lot of stuff again.

In "Podcast 20 - Desire is the gateway", tantra was described and the term of dark retreat was mentioned. For a moment, encountered strong desire to have a dark retreat.
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At the summerhouse, one evening it was pitch black and I went outside to enjoy it (had been longing for just being in the nature there).

When I was wondering if the sky was cloudy or not, I could actually see the stars and when it became clear to me that the sky is actually cloudy, then I stopped
seeing them.

Occasionally got the feeling of the ground, the trees, the sky and the wind. And occasionally I lost the feeling again .. which caused fear to surface (since it was pretty much pitch black and I didn't see much). Whatever the thoughts, I could see them around me in the darkness. Thoughts or, in other words, constructs of psi moved around me, obstructing the view, making it difficult to tell the distance of objects, etc. Semi-subconsciously started imagining a monster somewhere at a distance. Sensed its presence already, then heard a tree branch crack under its paws. Hastily retracted focus to let it dissolve again. Some time later a similar fear crept in, I saw a creature take form from a cloud of psi as it made its way towards me. But then it just rubbed itself against my right foot just like cats do (no touch feedback, though). =)

Stared at the thick cloudy sky. There was a brighter spot, which then moved and a few minutes later it disappeared altogether. Might've been car headlights or something. Attempted a construct, which would light a circular area on the ground .. got nothing. Tried again, still no good. Happened to look away for a moment .. there was a flash of white light from behind the buildings and the forest (for slightly less than a second, the bottom of the cloudcover at some distance was lit). Might've been firecrackers at a distance so that sound did not propagate through the woods.
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At New Year's eve, I tried to shield against the sound shockwaves. This didn't go too well, though - the sound was still very loud.