Accidental shopping

Visited the shop to buy some food while on my way back home from the office.

A few hours later, mom came home. She found that I had also bought the exact same kind of juice. Then she found that I had bought the same kind of potatoes (just more of them). Since she had mentioned that we should buy more potatoes and juice the previous day, we thought it was just a nice coincidence.

Some time later I was checking what mom was cooking in the oven. It was some kind of a Texas schnitzel which I hadn't tried before. Which was also exactly the same as I had bought. Both of us were surprised as I pulled out the other package from the fridge.

Avatar of strands

Received a letter from my neighbour today. Two Christmas cards, one with some awesome dark and mysterious poetry, the other for Mom.

Dad visited with a cake on Sunday. While we were chatting, I practised maintaining a clear mind. At some point, there was a really loud cracking sound. We were all startled, and started to wonder what might've broken. I thought it was the tea jug, but it turned out to be just a strand of hair on the external surface of the jug. The strand of hair legit looked like a crack in the glass.

I failed to find anything else which might've produced the sound.

I think it was Monday evening that I analyzed what it was that sometimes made me feel disgusted about the human body. Some time at night I realized that it was basically something akin to karma accumulated in the body. So it wasn't the human body itself which triggered disgust, I think it was more the non-physical things which had been stored in the body. Moreover, these things themselves were also not disgusting, but rather the thoughts, memories or interpretations which for me associated to these.

In a sense, the body (or any object, for that regard) could be likened to a shelf of mental constructs. Or to an avatar which represents a plethora of concepts. I remembered that I could refresh my avatar simply by concentrating on the feelings which I wanted it to portray.

During the past couple of days, I've been pumping psi up the central channel. Developed a headache at first, again. The heat has also increased quite a bit, and last night I must've had too much energy to sleep through the night. From about 2 AM to 5 AM or so, I kept turning sides, hoping that I would fall asleep again.

Synchronicities

Today morning I replied to someone on Discord. That someone was offline, and I remembered that they usually disable ping when they reply to someone else. I wondered if it had been a mistake not to disable ping. Some time later they woke up and apologized that for some reason Discord had not shown the ping.

It has happened several times already that someone thinks of pinging me on Discord, and I randomly stumble upon and respond to their question before they manage to ping me. On one of the servers, people used to joke that it's enough to just type my nickname into the text somewhere and it would be enough for me to see it. And no, I usually miss most of the messages because there's simply too much to read through all of it.

Today I had been away from the computer for a couple of hours. The moment I arrived at the computer, someone sent a MAL friend request. I got to accept it before they had the time to tell me that they did.

Dream: Flying object

A dream which stood out a bit. There was some strange background music, so I was wondering what was going on. I thought that obviously there would have to be something scary or creepy somewhere, but I just couldn't see it. There was someone with me, and they pointed towards the sky. There was some kind of a tiny object circling around above the stable.

I looked at it, found that it was easy to manipulate with psychokinesis. Had it descend, picked it up and played with it for a while.

Stomach

The book "No Self, No Problem: How Neuropsychology Is Catching Up to Buddhism" by Chris Niebauer PhD reminded me to practice activating specific hemispheres of the brain again. Left the activation of the right hemisphere ticking in my second attention for a couple of days, then forgot about it.

For a few days before the birthday, I had some stomach troubles. I think it was triggered by an emotional moment.

The brain switches hemispheres every now and then, and sometimes while both hemispheres are active, I've started to feel really weird. Sometimes I've gotten a mild headache from it.

Apparently there are still a lot of blockages at places in the body.

At some point I was so tired that a nap of just a few minutes caused me to lose awareness of the body and drop into a deep sleep.

I watched "Yangguang puzhao" (2019) with some people on Discord last Saturday. There was a scene with firecrackers on the streets. I noticed that I could smell the burnt gunpowder. It has been a while.

Birthday wishes

There's a Lain-themed Discord server in which I haven't been very active, and I think I've only chatted a bit with two people there. On my birthday suddenly some people started posting wishes. At some point one of them asked if any of them knew anyone whose birthday it might be. It didn't seem like any of them knew.

Cool synchronicity. I thanked them for their wishes and then more wishes followed.

Realizations

About a week ago I realized that the world is probably much smaller than I've thought. Each thought and action probably has more immediate and direct consequences than I might've imagined.

Though, since the influence doesn't make that much sense to the rational mind, it just brushes it off or comes up with some alternative stories about it. Due to the mind, the path of feedback is cut, which in turn makes us feel more separate and alone than we actually are.

While taking a shower one evening, I suddenly started laughing about some of my worries. It seemed that I had taken "simple" things way too seriously. Should just go with the flow more.

Deep waters

Recently I've been experiencing waves of heat radiating from the body again.

Due to the lucky numbers spiking recently, I worked from home again on Monday. Felt quite weird, as if I were in multiple places simultaneously. I felt as if I was on the island, just outdoors, in the living room, as well as in some foreign places. Felt somewhat floaty.

I think it was Tuesday night that I saw the cat everywhere in my dreams, which is quite rare.

Dream: Swimming

Deep waters are dangerous. Though, I figured that if I move around all the time, then I could perhaps remain afloat. There were a few other people swimming around in the water as well.

Dream: High pressure on minerals

A sleeping chemist (female) was visiting, and then father came for a visit as well. Father asked her if she had worked with some sort of a specific acid. While asleep, she replied that she hadn't, that she had worked more with salts and minerals. Father then said he had read something interesting: by applying high mechanical pressure on some specific non-radioactive salts, a nuclear reaction was triggered.

Me an old asocial pum? Maybe not?

A couple of weeks ago, me and mom both felt as if we had had an extra day in the week (somewhere between Tuesday and Wednesday, I guess). Then the week after, both of us felt as if we had missed a day. This week mom also felt like she had missed a day, but I no longer did. For me, this week was nominal.

Another "friend" found a girlfriend. My hunch says it's the real deal for him.

Also, while looking for some photos of Hutchison's old apartment, I stumbled upon a blog of his. His blog had photos of him with a lady. I had always imagined Hutchison as a crazy inventor who has trouble socializing. I suspect that since I had been his fan since like 6th or 7th grade, I had started to associate myself with this image, too. Eventually I think I forgot about the fact that I did, and started mistaking this image for myself.

Anyway, today at some point I felt that the issue had been resolved. I wonder if perhaps this was also related to the clinic dream.

Dream: Fireworks

I decided to face some of my old fears. Had a dream where I found some of my old weapons but as I touched one of them, it caught fire. I knew it would start firing at some point, but I didn't know when. I put it into a hole in the ground, where I thought it would be the least probable that it causes harm to anyone. I also added some bricks and stuff around it, to prevent it from bouncing around or changing its aim.

I ducked and took cover. Then a couple of other people took over securing the weapon. Anyway, it fired like 10 shots and then went quiet. Some of these shots hit the boxes in the apartment but didn't cause any harm, for which I was really grateful.

Dream: Clinic

Last night I had a dream where I was waiting with my eye problem at a clinic. Since the clinic was closed at night, I was just waiting there in the dark corridors. The eye didn't hurt but it was really blurry and didn't function according to my expectations.

Roosterprank

Feng Shui

Slept with my head towards South for about a week. Felt dead tired. Then slept with my head towards North for about a week. Felt good. Slept with my head towards South for a a couple of hours. Felt dead tired. Turned around and started feeling better again in about half an hour.

Not sure if this is just about the orientation, or the fact that the WiFi access point is at the Southern end of the couch. The couch is less comfy to sleep on with the head towards North, though. Moreover, light from the corridor shone on my face while sleeping with my head towards North.

Maybe Feng Shui works?

I wonder if it works different in different regions on Earth. Does it have something to do with the magnetic field?

Hat

Lost my hat last Friday at the office. I suspected that perhaps the hole at the bottom of the pocket had grown to match the cross section of the hat. Anyway, the hat was gone. I looked for it everywhere (including the floor).

Visited a colleague to play board games in the evening. Unstable Unicorns and The Mind. The Mind seemed quite interesting for mind-reading practice.

Today morning the hat had been put nicely on the clothes shelf. None of the colleagues knew anything about it, so I guess I owe my gratitude to the janitor.

Red rooster

I think it was more than a week ago or so that I had another dream where things caught fire and it was getting out of control.

That time the floor was covered in important papers, sister's notepapers which I had been scanning to save these from her cat's parfume. Anyway, these kept catching fire and I felt helpless. Though, at some point it occurred to me that shuffling the papers works. The flames were extinguished as I buried the burning papers underneath other papers.

Just as I had solved the puzzle, the dream changed. A red rooster hopped around, laughing at their prank.

Bathtub

Yesterday I walked past something unexpected - a bathtub with water and a couple of people enjoying a bath on the street. There was a third person standing by the bathtub, chatting with the two. It's not very warm outside anymore. At first I thought it was some sort of a perverted art project or something again. Sigh .. the youngsters these days.

Later it occurred to me that it could've been the followers of Wim Hof, for about a year ago there were some training sessions, I think.

 

Time anomaly

At the beginning of this week it happened to me and mom that the week got an extra day or something. On Tuesday we were both convinced that it was Wednesday. For me yesterday felt like a Saturday, with the exception of going to work.

Laptop

I was feeling really tired yesterday, for it felt as if I had missed the Saturday (due to the time anomaly) which I've usually used to compensate for sleep deprivation. While waiting for a sister's call, I just sat on the couch. At some point I thought I'd take out the laptop and found it had switched on in the bag. I don't think this has happened to this laptop before, for the power button is not reachable from the outside.

I thought maybe I had forgotten to power it off properly when leaving the office, but the battery was still full whereas I had left the office several hours before.

The laptop must've switched on on its own. It used to happen a lot with my previous laptop.

Letting go

A curious dream, a realization and a couple of observations.

Dream: Visitors

Last week I had a dream where I spent the night playing video games and stuff. For some reason, there were a couple of members from LC (one of the Discord servers) in my room and I felt uneasy about it. I asked them to state their purpose but it seemed that they were "zombies" (asleep or not conscious about it). They themselves probably also wouldn't have known why they were there.

Realization: Procrastination

Had a long discussion about my problems with mom. By the next morning I had realized a potential cause for the problems. Back in about 2011 I had fallen for a girl but I never told her that (hesitated) and eventually I sort of forgot about it but it had still been bothering me ever since.

So I decided to try and see if telling her about it now would help me overcome the problem with the left eye and me being unhappy with myself. We were sort of friends but after I described my issue, she stopped responding. I did suspect that this might happen.

Though, I think I managed to forgive myself and I started feeling better. While I think it's too early to say anything for certain about the left eye, I did notice that it behaved in an interesting way. Previously it used to dry up every now and then. Today the eye sometimes just became wet without any pain.

Observations: Image

Recently some people on LC have been treating me a bit differently. One of them said that when I posted something, it felt like a refreshing breeze of wind from the ocean. Another one thought I had transcended or something.

I wonder if this might be related to my attempt at making my field of consciousness more "compact".

Today I was surprised at the books which the LC book club members had picked and who picked what kind of books. Several books on the spiritualism and enlightenment topics. I don't think I promoted these topics in my posts there. Ordered a couple of the books from the list.

Elevator

Happened to read about the Elisa Lam's case again.

Had a couple of interesting dreams.

Dream: Hotel

I was at a hotel again. I had been there a lot, and I decided to rant about what I found annoying about such dreams.

No matter what I tried, I could not get back to the same floor. There were always these small details which did not match. Once there is a room on the N-th floor, then the next time I go, there is no such room there. Because of this, I would never know where I am, and for most of the dream I would be looking for a place which no longer exists.

Someone then said that whether I liked it or not, I would be moved higher and higher up the floors. Eventually I would reach the top floor (which in the dream was 15th, I think) and there would no longer be a place to go.

In the dream I knew this referred to spiritualism.

Dream: Reverse debugging on a new hardware

A new architecture was announced for the embedded. It came out with proper toolchain support and everything (very unreal). Anyway, while enthusiastically talking to a girl about it, I mentioned GDB reverse debugging. Some guy had also been listening in, and asked me what it was good for. Both of them had only used print statements in the code for debugging and had not used multithreading. Described the benefits of reverse debugging a multithreaded application.

While the whole argumentation and everything was perfectly lucid and all, I failed to remember acronyms. At some point I wanted to reference FPGA with soft-cores but I could not recall what these things were called.

I guess there's still a lot of memory which has not yet been replicated from the physical body.

Hypnagogic flash of light

Tried visualizing an imaginary gf. It seemed to have worked for a couple of days. The body's healing processes seemed to have sped up quite a bit, and the energy intensity was almost constantly very close to the limits of what I thought I could handle.

Then at some point it stopped working. Eventually I realized my mistake. I suspect that I wasn't capable of visualizing a completely unknown person. The mind probably picked someone who looked or acted the most similar. That's not what I had in mind, so I tried to undo it.

Relaxed, visualized the bond, and then ::blinding flash of light::, and the bond was not there anymore. I wonder if the flash of light was some sort of energy freed from the bond, or maybe I just lost consciousness / fell asleep for a moment and saw a bright hypnagogic image or something? I've experienced this flash of light before but I still haven't figured out what it is exactly.

Something obvious

Realized (insert title) again today.

Instead of crashing into what the gravity is pulling towards, it sometimes makes sense to just orbit it, instead. When too close to the golden veil, this world seems fake and meaningless. It's the same when too close to the veil of darkness. But one doesn't need to bob back and forth between the light and darkness.

I don't think I've explored the realm sideways much as of yet. There's probably a lot still to be learned just by walking the edge of the blade without leaning too much to either side. It should even be possible to gradually lean in one or the other direction ever so slightly, while maintaining full control without falling. The more used to the balance, the more I could probably tilt without losing ground. This should make it possible to use either of the influences, depending on the situation. Pretty much exactly what I had in mind with the monochrome flower or gray-robed wizard avatars / visualizations.

This would easily solve the incompatibility of the spiritual path and the other path(s). This way none of them would be in conflict with each-other and I could freely do what I've always wanted to. Now it seems strange again that something this simple only occurred to me now.

Wind

A couple of nights ago I dreamt I had a 14-hour hike with father. There was a lot of chatting on all sorts of topics (which I don't remember), and eventually we reached the destination and enjoyed a sauna.

It was quite stormy yesterday, and before falling asleep I decided to concentrate on the wind outside. There were some qualities to the wind which I had forgotten, and when I tried to apply these qualities to the body in the chest and throat area, I realized something.

Wind doesn't concern itself with the seriousness of anything. It blows around playfully, enjoying freedom, gently touching things here and there. If water symbolizes emotions, then water doesn't really have a place in the chest. Water ought to be lower. I think I've had a tendency to take the issues of the heart and throat chakras too seriously and that I've gotten too emotional about these.

In one of the dreams last night, I met Alan Watts at a bonfire. I was surprised that he was still alive (stupid, I know). Anyway, shook hands with him and continued my way.

At some point I had a hypnagogic image of intense energy within the body, applying enough pressure on it to produce cracks through which the light radiated out.

Clown

Had been feeling a bit sad about the thoughts of drifting away from the society again.

Today morning I thought the weather was cloudy and all, but the moment I entered the office, there was something shining in there. It looked as if a tiny spot light were hanging from a colleague's desk. I observed it closer and found that a single godray traced through the blinds and met the golden plug of an HDMI cable hanging from the colleague's desk. The corner of the plug then reflected the light onto the floor, as if it were a spot light hanging mid-air.

While on my way to lunch with a colleague, I opened the front door. Just as I did, a really strange guy went past, on a bicycle. The sight was so absurd that it caught me off guard and I must've stared at him with a stupid look on my face or something. I think he had a red costume, a winter hat and ridiculous-looking circular black sunglasses with thick white rims. The moment he passed by, he started laughing.

Regardless of the fact that I had been dead serious, I took a few more steps and couldn't help but laugh as well. The timing was just perfect and the whole situation was so absurd. I guess that made my day, whatever that was. Anyway, me and the colleague laughed about it for some time.

While sometimes the vibration was still there near the root chakra, today I noticed the vibration in some other parts of the body as well. For a few times it appeared at the navel or at the right shoulder. Also, I think I've actually been getting this vibration also at the heart and throat chakras, just that it hasn't usually been very intense nor has it lasted very long.

Root vibration

This is something which has been there on/off for years. Sometimes I've thought it's the phone vibrating because someone's calling me or something. Though, usually when I've checked, there haven't been any unanswered calls. As an alternative, I've thought it's some sort of nerve damage due to which some muscles are vibrating sometimes.

Today things have been somewhat different from the usual. This vibration has appeared and disappeared almost every 10 seconds or so, each time lasting for a few seconds. Moreover, the frequency of the vibration is constant, and surprisingly precise.

As a consequence, it feels like bindu throughout the body are also affected.

Weekend of ego slaps

Today I read something about the astrology foiling all sorts of plans this weekend.

I thought that I would try and use the weekend for getting rid of some old stuff, as well as for being a bit more active on some Discord servers (for I had felt like leaving them in favor of something more productive).

During the weekend, I managed to hurt my ego twice, then I accidentally managed to hurt two people on one of the servers and caused a third to be kicked. While I had thought of applying for the art contest there, the fact that it's a contest and that there's a prize was already quite demotivating for me. Decided to become inactive on the server, instead.

Had been looking forward to chatting with an interesting person, but as it turned out, they had lost one of their parents due to an accident and they had removed their online presence altogether. For me this caused the reality to kick in once more.

Then regarding getting rid of some stuff. Uncle's van got into a small accident. While he did get a replacement car, its battery died.

Sometimes plans end up being rather pointless.

Ecstatic energy

Yesterday I had lunch at a hostel cafeteria. A colleague asked what the daily dish was, whether it was good and if the portion was large enough. I had enjoyed it, and the colleague thought of going to the same place. Today I found out that he had gone to another restaurant. He had even had the same kind of daily dish there, with a reasonable portion. Though, at that restaurant they rarely serve that kind of dishes and usually the portion has been too small for him. I was really confused, for the odds of such a coincidence seemed very unlikely.

Watched a movie via Discord yesterday evening. Tried to watch the stream from my laptop at first, but at some point I became somewhat annoyed by the repetitive sound of someone entering and leaving the channel. While the movie was smooth, my Discord kept me leaving and entering the channel ::facepalm::.

While walking home today, I felt quite a bit of ecstatic energy circulating in the body. I think it has been like 10 years since the last time I experienced something similar. Moreover, it was windy outside today, I could feel the trees around me and the wind was rather responsive.

Grandpa woke

Had a dream today morning where I was chatting with someone, just outside the old barn house. At some point, grandpa woke up, opened the door, said something which I couldn't understand, and walked past us.

I thought he said that he was surprised at how good a sleep he had and how good he felt, considering the circumstances.

Somehow today I've been feeling free. Today the mind was no longer troubled by the constant urge or desire to find a girlfriend nor the sadness and disappointment that I haven't.

White robe

A couple of nights ago I had persistent hypnagogic imagery of a white cloth. At first it had a golden glow to it, which gradually faded away. The less of the glow, the more transparent the cloth became, eventually becoming indistinguishable from the darkness. The cloth was definitely nonphysical, for it had astral qualities. At one hand it reminded me of silk, but it was quite a bit thicker.

Yesterday morning at the office there was a power surge, I think. The UPS was triggered and our equipment seemed to be fine. However, soon after the incident one of the building's main routers started dying. Announced the lack of internet to a remote colleague through a video call, using the same internet connection. Weird how technology works nowadays. It was only after the call that MS Teams recognized that actually there was no internet, and didn't allow me to login anymore.

Apartment cleanup

It has been taking a while, and will probably take some more. I'm glad that mom and sister are patient and cooperative.

In my attempts to raise my HP, I've been battling the issues which I've kept tucked away throughout the years. Sometimes things have gotten quite emotional for me. While most of it doesn't have anything at all to do with her, for some reason, sister has been having precognitive dreams of said battles. I'm glad that the eye medicine has helped to make the eye less sensitive to emotions.

For a couple of times, random people in my dreams asked why the heck I wasn't practising levitation. A bit annoyed, I picked it up for a while. It is helpful / important in raising the HP, too. Not only does it reduce inertia, but it also reduces the friction within the body. This practice has also strengthened the upward flow of psi quite a bit again.

Some days ago I had a typical tummo-related dream where my presence powered some power tools. There have also been crackling noises from the furniture again. Also, one night a blackout occurred right when I opened my eyes. Phone has sometimes behaved strange, and yesterday it shut down during a call with my aunt. I've also been having rather frequent issues with payment terminals at shops. Today I wiped off some dust from the laptop screen and it caused a refresh & redraw of the underlying application window.

Today morning I had a dream where someone was investigating the phenomena of objects moving or floating around randomly in an old barn house. I told them not to worry about it, for it was normal.

I know that the cat enjoys the air humidifier. Recently I witnessed the cat switch it on (by turning the knob). While it was probably accidental (I don't think the cat actually meant to switch it on), it looked cool.

There's something which I've been meaning to post for a while. When I've visited the bathroom, I've sometimes leaned my head against the door. At that spot, there are a lot of bumps in the paint, highlighting the spot. I don't remember there being that many bumps. Perhaps there used to be just a few but that's it.

Local anomalies

One day while taking a daily nap on the couch in the living room at the summerhouse, I heard aunt cursing in a way which would've been quite unlike her. As I opened my eyes, I didn't see aunt anywhere nearby.

I read some Quincy patents (negative mass and wormholes to hyperspace) and found that it fits together with Meyl and my prior interpretations. Had a chat about vorticular fields with uncle. He described a couple of anomalies which he had experienced, close to the summerhouse.

Green fog

There was a stone, which had made him feel strange. While fixing a fence over there, he felt being drained of energy. One day he had tried to meditate while sitting on the stone. It had been difficult for him to concentrate, as his mind was constantly filled with a green fog of some sort.

He showed me the spot, and it made me feel a bit nauseated. Not a very good place for meditating, imho. I did not attempt to.

No clue what could've been wrong with that place. Though, at some point we find an iron stone close by.

Heap of stones

While camping at another spot, uncle had seen / dreamt of flying saucers. He also described a close encounter in which the working mechanism of a saucer was explained to him.

Over the years, things had changed around that spot. In the meantime, a Sorbus tree had died and fallen, and the heap of stones had grown a bit. He had slept with his head towards the East (in reference to how Shamans sleep), I think.

Instead of dreaming of alien tech, I decided to camp there to help resolve my own issues. The first time I thought I would go and meditate there, sister called. Then during the call, my eye started to hurt and kept running water. Sister's phone call lasted for uncomfortably long, too. Tried my best to endure but had to leave after the phone call. Failed to meditate that day. Set up camp because of this.

Without thinking much about it, I slept with my head towards North (in reference to how yogis sleep, or how Thoth slept). I think that for Shamans it's important to explore the astral as much as possible. Though, yogis would probably prefer to "condense" their consciousness instead of spreading it across the astral.

Most of my dreams were nothing special. There were a few things which stood out, though.

Dream: Brain surgery

A surgeon girl showed me some new equipment. She set up a bunch of cuboid blocks on the table, then tweaked their frequencies and connected them to a hand-held probe of sorts. Instead of cutting tissues, she pointed light with specific frequencies at different regions of the tissues.

I think the idea was that neurons not only react to electrical signals, but to optical signals as well. She also explained that localization and pointing accuracy were not all that important, for since nothing would be damaged by the optical signals, the brain would readjust itself and recover in just a day or two.

Dream: Spinning crystal

The dream itself was about something else - me and someone else were traveling. I decided to continue along some railroad tracks but happened to take a brief pause.

During the pause, I took a big magnet like what Theoria Apophasis had and put it on the ground. I then took a tiny crystal, put it on top of the magnet and spun it. It roamed across the magnet in an interesting way and I found it fun to observe.

Someone else appeared and placed a similar magnet on the ground. He then took a large crystal, put it on top of the magnet and spun it. The crystal was large enough for me to notice what was going on within the crystal. It looked as if the crystal spanned at least 4 or 5 dimensions instead of 3. The crystal was not only spinning in the first 3 dimensions, for its projection onto 3D space was morphing (it changed shape). This was even more fun to observe, even though I couldn't quite comprehend what was going on.

Sigils

Something which I've been meaning to post for about a week, but kept procrastinating.

Sister had made a sigil, and while describing what I had read about these, I realized something.

In the N-dimensional consciousness-space, one can move around by focusing on a "feeling" of sorts. Similarly to the analogy of walking in the dark with a candle, these feelings don't point to any particular end .. they're like linked lists.

I think sigils serve as a mnemonic for these feelings / directions. In other words, they're like compasses in the N-dimensional space of consciousness.

In that space, it's very easy to become lost, especially when one finds themselves in a foreign place navigating while asleep. By memorizing sigils in such a way that they would seep down into the subconscious mind, it should be possible to preserve the sense of direction. With a memorized book of sigils, one would basically have a map in their mind.

Suddenly the old tales of witches make more sense.

Edit:

Ah, I also wondered if Tetragrammaton was a square sigil. At some point in history, there was a serious interest in finding the name of the God. It was thought that if one knew the name, then they would obtain great powers. Basically, they would learn the direction to God in the N-dimensional consciousness-space.

If such a direction were to exist, then I think it might indicate polar singularities in that space.

Awkward cravings

For years, I had been looking for people who might understand me well enough such that I could talk freely about anything I wanted to. I even tried to make it as easy as I could, by openly talking about aspects which I considered to be different from those of others.

A few days ago I realized how pointless it was, and then a couple of days ago I also realized how it had caused problems. It seems that my attempts to be open have been harmful to people instead of helping anyone understand me any better. Moreover, by blabbing that much all the time, I think I've been wasting a substantial part of my breath / energy.

Thinking back on it now, I'm not sure where this craving for being understood sourced from, or why I thought it mattered to me.

Other than that, there have been some interesting synchronicities recently.

I've practised relaxing the body before sleep, and I've tried to feel more lightweight at times.

In the bathroom at work, one of the cabinets is without a light. I've been using it, for probably nobody else would. I've noticed that I've started to see better in the dark, without it having any side-effects while in full sunlight.

While meditating a bit yesterday, I saw myself in pure white. The white had a spatial distribution to it (it wasn't just a robe).

From a dream today morning, I noticed a curious detail. A group of people were discussing something, and a guy randomly mentioned the frequency of 30 MHz. It then occurred to him that I was eavesdropping, and he tried to clear the history by doing something completely random (he picked a mic and started singing).

Faraday's unipolar generator

During the holidays, I experimented a bit with a variation of the Faraday unipolar generator from another one of Meyl's papers:
http://www.rexresearch.com/meylscalar/FaradayorMaxwell.pdf

Basically, a rotating permanent magnet, with one brush at the axis, and another one at the outer rim of the magnet. I re-used some pieces from a previous generator experiment.

Despite the fact that I tried it at a rather miniature scale (magnets of either 1 cm or 2 cm diameter), I got an output voltage which depended on magnetic field strength and magnet diameter according to Faraday's induction law. I didn't have a load on the output and the signal was rather noisy, though. It was probably that noisy because of misalignment between the motor and magnet axes.

I found it more interesting, though, that as I moved the motor + magnets away from the brushes, the signal remained (with reduced amplitude). The output amplitude displayed dependency on the angle between the axis of the motor + magnets, and that of the brushes.

While K. Meyl and a few others seem to suggest that the Faraday unipolar generator in such a configuration would not produce changes in the magnetic flux, I would guess that it still might. I think that in a permanent magnet, not all the magnetic domains are perfectly aligned, and that one could consider each domain as an individual magnet with its own edge / rim effects. The magnetic domains at a distance from the spin axis, however, would indeed have translatory motion and could potentially cause a change in the magnetic flux. But then again, the change would probably not be very large, and would average out.

Disregarding magnetic flux, there's also Lorentz force on electrons which would be on translational motion due to the magnet spinning. How this would be interpreted from the perspective of Meyl's vortex physics, I don't know. Would need to play more with vortex physics.

An interesting experiment, also showing a difference between the magnetic field at the middle vs. around the rim of a magnet:

The same dude also experimented with a gyroscope:

By the "Tesla motor," he probably meant the classical Faraday unipolar generator in which a copper disk is spinning in a static magnetic field (clicky).

Meyl

At a webinar at work, we were shown this video:

I found it inspiring, but not for teamwork nor physics. I started to wonder whether this applied to psychokinesis and if it did, then how.

Yesterday it occurred to me that the dark veil also seems to be sticky, perhaps just in a slightly different way. Anyway, from that it seems that the veils are not opposites nor are they fundamental.

For a while I've also been pondering about scalar waves and vortices. Since I found one of Meyl's papers (clicky) to be rather inspiring (though, disappointingly short), I looked for more. Ordered some of his books and then stumbled upon his paper "About Vortex Physics and Vortex Losses". Already halfway through, I've found it quite awesome. A lot of strange phenomena suddenly makes more sense. While it's really simple, it would've probably taken me ages to connect the dots.

Strange bunch

It's really hot today.

During the past couple of days, I've been wondering about my desire to fit in, to belong somewhere, or to find someone to chat about things. I think I've come to realize how pointless it is.

One of the main reasons for several of my problems and desires have been my attempts to prove someone wrong by experiencing it on myself. First of all, me experiencing it on my own doesn't help to prove others wrong. For that, they'd need to experience it themselves. While it might help to prove to myself that I was right after all, I don't think it would make sense to test everything like that. After all, each such experience usually takes me a few years to play out. And when in the end I do realize that I had still been right, then I wouldn't even have learned anything. I think it does temporarily help me feel similar to other people, and make it easier to "fit in" for that short period of time. However, this method on its own is very ineffective for learning purposes.

During the past couple of days, it seems as if there has been something coming out from the lungs, because of which I've had to clear my throat every now and then.

Recently I've had a couple of dreams (or scenes within dreams) which stood out.

Dream: Gore

Saw a baby who had been shot and stabbed. The body was a mess but they were still alive (barely breathing). The body was so messed up that the bullet almost fell out on its own.

According to a dream symbols dictionary, this might indicate that I'm letting go of something which used to be a part of me.

Dream: Strange bunch

Found myself in a different realm with a group of other people (4 or 5 of us, I think). We met a group of guys in brown hooded robes (4 or 5 of them, I think). The hooded group invited us into a large conical terraced structure of some sort, which had been built into stone. The main corridor / stairway seemed to be spiraling. Along the sides of the corridor, there were a lot of equally spaced (brown, wooden?) doors.

They gave us a tour of the place, and described what they were about. During the tour, they showed their garden which was full of some strange kind of flowers. I think they mentioned something about apprentices picking these for transmuting them into gold or somesuch. Anyway, it seemed that their daily regime was quite tough in terms of training, which also explained why they were that good in wizardry.

I think the hooded guys were wizards of some sort, and they were looking for a shaman apprentice or something. At some point, they singled out one of our group and asked if he wanted to join them. I was relieved that it wasn't me, for I had a lot of responsibilities in other realms already. I had somehow managed to steer clear and get ahead of them.

I think they entered a room, leaving me behind so that I could roam around freely. I knew that the doors were not actually doors. Instead, they were dangling portals of sorts (not tied to any specific door on the other side). So, I think one could pick any door, and still end up where they wanted to go. I continued walking the corridor, until I ended up in a dead-end with a door in front of me. All the other doors had been on the sides.

Intending to go outside, I stepped through the door. Sunlight and fresh air, green grass, trees and a stream / river. I was back in a familiar realm (looked like Earth again). It was a familiar but I'm not sure if I had been there before.

Deep sleep

Some days ago, a strand of cat hair flew past me, illuminated in sunlight. It seemed that it was about to descend. I played with it a little, moving it up and then horizontally onto the window sill. It seemed quite responsive.

Someone on Discord had revised their sleeping schedule, and advised me to do that as well.

Today afternoon I tried to hit deep sleep, by focusing on hypnagogic imagery and then on what caused the imagery and so on. I could also hear (and feel) the cat breathing deeply; the cat was also asleep, and I figured that it wouldn't come to bother me. Eventually I lost a sense of reality and forgot everything. Had a really refreshing sleep, which concluded in dreams with somewhat familiar symbolism.

Dream: Alternative office space

In Real Life (IRL) we just moved into a new office recently. In the dream, I went to visit an alternative place. I met up with someone there, and said that "while we've already moved into another place, I'd still like to take a look around." They didn't mind, and were glad to show me around.

We looked around. In some places, there were a lot of boxes, for the previous occupants were still in the process of moving out. It took some effort to climb over the boxes without stepping on any.

At some point, I found some kind of a device laying around (not in any of the boxes). I played with it a little, until I realized that it was dangerous. I think it might've been a lighter of some sort, and it became more and more hot each time I activated it (I had thought it was empty of fuel, but I felt that I was mistaken).

IRL I stopped the streak of celibacy. I think it was about 3.5 months or so. I suspect that the dream might've been related.

Dream: Boat trip

Me and some other people were having a boat trip. We reached a beach and decided to land. I stepped out, and started towing the boat. The slope became more and more challenging. However, somehow I didn't feel the weight of the boat at all (even though it was full of people).

I think sister had laid logs, to make it easier to tow the boat. I tried to follow the path of logs, even though it didn't seem to make a difference. At about halfway to the top, I stopped to ask others if they would like the boat to be hoisted up all the way to the top or if they also considered leaving the boat there to be safe enough. Other people had parked their boats there. If I had pulled the boat up all the way to the top, then I thought it would've become more dangerous to let it back into the water, considering the steep slope.

Keys

I've been feeling a bit tired recently, which might've brought a couple of interesting situations.

On the weekend, I was "busy as a bee," working on some code for work.

Sleepy bee

I think it was at noon on Saturday that I found the cat playing with something on the curtains, in the kitchen. I approached with my blurry left eye, and recognized that it was a bee. Opened the window, and poked at the bee, hoping that it would spread its wings and catch the wind. It didn't. It seemed sleepy.

I tried pouring a bit of water onto the curtains, for I thought it might've been dehydrated. That also didn't help. So, I just closed the window with that part of the curtains left in the wind, outside the window.

Upon a recurring inspection of the curtains, I failed to find a bee on it. I concluded that the bee must have flown away.

Thesis opponent?

While walking the cat yesterday evening, a former colleague reminded me that there are thesis defences the next day. I remembered that I had agreed to be an opponent for one of the students. ".. well, at least there's a whole night to work through the thesis ..," I thought.

Luckily, I found that I was not the opponent, and that the student's supervisor's recommendation (me) was rejected. The supervisor had simply forgotten to inform me that I couldn't be the opponent because he had supervised my bachelor thesis.

All in all, there were no issues. Simply both parties simultaneously forgot about it.

Sneaky keys

Sometimes I guess I do things which are beyond my comprehension.

I closed the office and started walking home. While on the way, I suddenly noticed that I had some kind of keys in my pocket. Sure, I had put my keys into that pocket several times today, but I thought I took them out and stored them in the bag (to avoid the keys wearing out the jeans for me).

I took the keys out of the pocket ... but ... they weren't mine. So, I checked the keys in the bag ... those were mine, at least. I was really confused because I couldn't recall having seen the foreign keys which had just now emerged from my pocket. Perhaps I might have taken the keys from the table, mistaking them for mine?

Anyway, a colleague called later, and he was glad to hear that I had taken his keys for him. Somehow he had forgotten them, and it would've been more tedious to get them from the office because his office keys were sharing the keyring with his other keys.

Synchronicities

Just as I started to type in my phone number into a web form, the phone rang.

Just when person A mentioned person B in DM on Discord, person B started chatting, as well.

Anyway, I shrunk my list of responsibilities on Discord, to make way for the heavy work which has been coming. Most of the weekend I also spent on writing code for the deadline tomorrow. That's only the start, though. I think June will be tough .. also because there's a vacation in July and things need to get done beforehand.

While I could say that I've been procrastinating, it might be incorrect. This is because if I had put more effort into it earlier, then I would have ended up with a sub-optimal solution, because some of the necessary input appeared on Tuesday, and some only on Friday.

Nice, will work from the new office starting from tomorrow. For me it doesn't matter that there's only a single chair at the office.

Runny nose

Missed it from the previous post, but it was somewhat windy at the sea. Due to the chilly wind, I got a runny nose in the evening. It suddenly became so bad that I sneezed and water started pouring from everywhere (eyes and nose). Head also felt as if it had sustained some damage.

Instead of going to the tent for sleep, I decided to still chat some more with colleagues. Focused on a visualization of healing the head, and a few seconds later I felt completely fine again.

During the past 3 weeks, it has happened twice that someone has pinpointed a good spot on my ego, causing it to feel offended. Both times it has had a tremendous effect in helping to see things from a broader perspective. I really enjoy it when that happens.

Synchronicities

Other than that, there have been some synchronicities recently. Mildly counter-productive, usually. Yesterday evening I wanted to pay the bills but the payment kept failing. Today I managed to pay the bills from an older version of Firefox.

Finished one iteration at a file format converter for an online machine learning annotation tool. The online service was down.

There have also been phone calls or chats popping up at busy times.

Oh, actually, some synchronicities have been very productive, too. For instance, at a webinar the tutor mentioned the machine learning annotation tool. I had already planned to start writing my own, so it saved a couple of weeks of work, exactly at the last moment.

Similarly, as I was about to start implementing raster vectorization myself, a colleague pointed out a function in a library which does exactly that, exactly the way I need it (and apparently seems to be using a very similar algorithm, too). Again, this saved a couple of days of work, exactly at the last moment.

Unidirectional gate

The second half of the past week me and colleagues spent on a yacht trip to a small island. As it turned out, we were the first to visit Abruka this year. It was my first yacht trip and while it was short, it was an awesome experience.

Since then, I've occasionally felt a bit floaty. While eating lunch yesterday, I found the plastic bag around whole wheat bread to be somewhat responsive. Tried swaying it a little, while eating.

A couple of days ago, there was drama on the Discord server again. Since then, I've been having the eye problem again (waking up at night, having to sit and wait for a couple of hours to let the pain subside, in order to get some sleep).

Abruka

The island felt .. different. The woods felt like an indigenous heaven for witches. It seemed a bit surreal and cut off from the rest of the country.

Most of the island was a nature reserve with old trees.

Most of us spent the night in tents in the bushes at the seaside. It was slightly windy, thanks to which there was no morning dew (and it didn't become cold at night).

Dream: Gate

I was walking somewhere in the woods with someone. I can't recall where we came from, but we had to get back to some place by some time. Once we did, it turned out that there was an interdimensional gate / portal which was active at that specific time. We did not know that, but I don't think it mattered anyway. I found the synchronicity / timing to be really interesting. The gate worked differently for each of us - I think we ended up in different dimensions or something, for the other person vanished.

Based on the quick glimpse of the gate, I think it looked as if made of bronze, with some kind of an insignia in the middle.

Dream: Confetti pavement

Not sure if this even qualifies as a dream. Perhaps it was more of a hypnagogic image or something of the sort.

Anyway, there was an unexpected technological breakthrough which improved the friction of pavement. The material seemed a bit similar to rubber, but also quite different in some strange way, and definitely a lot more durable. However, roads of this material looked like made of confetti (which I found a bit awkward).

3 months

I guess it has been about 3 months of celibacy by now.

Recently I haven't been very active at forcing chi up the central channel .. with the exception of yesterday evening and today morning. Today I got a headache, the likes of which I've previously called short-circuits. Luckily, it hurts quite rarely. Anyway, I'm not sure whether the headache has been caused by moving more chi or by the surprisingly hot weather today.

Edit: The headache from hot weather was different: dull and originating from the back of the head. The short-circuits are sharp and very localized, but in a seemingly random spot within the brain.

In the past week or so, the chain-reaction of consequences from my actions throughout the past year have started to become visible. I'm glad and I hope people find it helpful and inspiring.

This also reminded me that I had been planning to leave (or at least stop frequenting these places), and that perhaps I would be met with less resistance this time.

While there have been a few situations and dreams which I had wanted to post, I guess I've forgotten most of them.

Driving

8 days ago, I had a chat with someone on Discord. While nowadays this is hardly a surprise, there was an interesting synchronicity. In this chat I happened to mention a friend (A) and his brother (B). We also discussed walking on foot vs. driving and driving licenses.

The next day, (B) messaged me and asked if I had bought myself a car. Apparently (A) thought he saw me driving around. Well, I don't have a car, nor have I had a driving license for years.

Dream: Blindfold

Last night I had a dream of a competition of some sort. I was observing the event, cheering for a random nice guy. Somehow, after he was awarded, I was asked to step forward. I was also given an award of sorts - a hug and the blindfold which the winner had used during the competition.

As I put on the blindfold, I couldn't see very well. I guess it meant that it worked. I willed for myself to see, and started to see as if there were no blindfold. Since then, I saw everything, regardless of the blindfold. I started to doubt whether the blindfold had really been working at all. Had I broken it somehow, or was it broken when I received it?

According to Dream Moods dictionary, this could mean that I'm trying to deceive myself or trying to cut myself off from the world. But I think that has been obvious anyway.

Stuff

Recently I've been having some increased psi intensity, sometimes with a mild headache and nausea (due to blockages in the channels). There have also been moments with waves of heat propagating up the body.

While sitting in the lotus pose a couple of days ago, the cat curled onto my feet. Though, at some point the cat suddenly leaped off, looking at me with surprise. I suspect it might've been one of those heat waves propagating through the body which maybe caused the cat to feel weird.

I built up the density of psi surrounding the body again, for I realized that it helps with healing. I also realized that the issue with the left eye wasn't an issue with the left eye, it's still nothing more than an indicator for issues elsewhere in the body.

Occasionally I've happened to focus on the standing wave in the central channel. This usually builds up psi intensity really quickly (and results in the headache and nausea).

Watched Doctor Sleep yesterday and it was awesome. Most of it fit very well with past experiences and impressions of how things worked. Though, imho the thing with people hunting people with powers seemed like something out of the ancient times. While perhaps realistic, I don't think they would stand a chance against proper spiritual development in real life. It would simply be too overwhelming for them.

Edit: Ah, almost forgot. Wanted to note down that today morning I saw the Crookes radiometer spinning in sunlight. I had already convinced myself that I had probably broken it. It seems that I was mistaken, and perhaps the stasis field has finally worn off after all these years.


An interesting dream from a few weeks ago.

Dream: Homeless kids

During the pandemic, Grandma liked to visit their summer house and cook food there. She always cooked in large quantities. I wondered why was that.

At some point, a lot of homeless children revealed themselves. For most of the time, they simply remained hidden.

While there were police patrols nearby, thus far the homeless kids had gone unnoticed.

Mission

Today I think I realized what it was that I was doing, and that it was the right thing. I had been a bit unhappy with myself because of spending that much time chatting with people on social platforms.

Today on one of the servers, someone mentioned that the suicide rate has increased considerably due to the lockdowns, and that it will probably still keep rising for a while. It clicked. I've been trying my best to support people in difficulties.

I wonder how come I've missed something this obvious.
Anyway, I think I'm somewhat more content with myself now.

Maybe it's not yet time for other stuff, and trying to force myself to do anything "more productive" as a hobby would be counter-productive, instead?

Left eye

On Wednesday, I couldn't keep my left eye open. Slept through most of the day and when I couldn't sleep, I sat and waited.

On Thursday morning, the eye started to feel better again. Since then, a feeling of euphoria / ecstasy washed over. This seems to occur each time that there's a more serious eye pain, and it seems to last for roughly the same amount of time that the pain lasted.

I had thought that the more serious eye pain arised due to some other disease / flu coming up. However, I suspect that it was just cyclic, instead. It has been 4 months since the previous occurrence. Also, it was 4 months between the previous occurrence and the injury.

The root of this recurring problem.. I thought one potential solution occurred to me, together with its consequences. But maybe it's not the time or maybe it was just some delusions of a troubled mind.

Dream: Fire

Looked out of the balcony window and saw another building across the street on fire. Or at least, I thought it was on fire. There were no flames, only golden embers of light flying around some sort of a wizard-looking guy.

Real life: Fire alarm

The next morning, a fire alarm went off at a colleague's office on the other side of the country. It was a false alarm.

Synchronicity

Today morning I told someone that I was still having problems finding people with whom I could discuss some topics. Then in the evening, someone in another server (not related in any way) remembered something which I had said quite a while ago. They started asking questions and I had a lot of fun.

This somehow triggered an invite into an even more spiritual server.

Feeling strange

Today morning the eye both hurt as well as didn't. The pain always subsided somehow. During the day there was occasionally a stroke of pain in the eye.

At some point also got a headache. Also felt floaty at times. I think this could've been caused by listening to meditation music while working. Maybe should've listened to Igorrr or Doom OST, instead.

2012

Argh, woke with the left eye in pain again at about 4 AM. Washing the eye nor applying eye drops helped. Had to sit through the pain for about an hour again. Eye sight is blurry again for a couple of days now.

Discord chat history

About a week ago, had a Discord chat with someone about spirituality and what the universe seems to be like. Anyway, at some point I said that I should probably meditate instead of talking about such things, for talking about these things made me too excited (for there's almost nobody to talk to about these kinds of things).

He then posted that for him the history of that particular discussion vanished. For me it was still there (and still is).

2012

I thought a bit about my post from yesterday and realized something about 2012. Already in 2010 and 2011 I found it somewhat easy to "see" the golden veil / fog. I think it was in early 2012 that there was an ecstatic day when everything seemed to have been enveloped by this golden fog.

Remembered that I had read about there being a day of soul harvest at the end of each great cycle of the Mayan calendar. I think I read it somewhere that the plan was to accelerate the development of mankind (has taken enough full cycles already, time to wrap things up). While I could've left as well, I decided to stay and maybe help if I can.

Due to this, I can't expect for my 1st path to still be the same. It would probably be more difficult for me to find my way beyond the veil, and it would be somewhat immature of me to even attempt to, given my decision. Thus, the 1st path is not a problem. I'm free to take as much as I like from that path, but there wouldn't be much of a point for me to pursue it any more than my health or well-being requires.

Fork and spatula

Described what I think is the root cause for a lot of my issues to someone. The fork of 3 mutually exclusive paths, all of which I'm treading in parallel.

With my mind not in the moment, I somehow managed to use my stupidity to break my favorite spatula in half. According to a dictionary of dream symbology, me shaking the spatula to get water off of it could've been interpreted as a metaphor of flipping back and forth on a decision.

Well, for a moment this cleared my mind and made me want to go and meditate on it. But since at that time eating was in progress and the urge passed somewhat.

Hurricane

For the past couple of days I've mostly been hard-focused on work. Three burning deadlines simultaneously. Yesterday my eyes got tired but managed to force my way through. Today I forgot breakfast and lunch.

While the left eye has still often become uncomfortably dry during the night, I have woken without eye pain again for the past couple of days. The eye is starting to see the screen in less blur again, too.

Have been feeling quite calm at night, and have been seeing quite a bit of gold and crystals in the phase of hypnagogic imagery.

Dream: Packing for hike

Two nights ago, I prepared for the challenges of the upcoming day .. and then waited for transport for the rest of the night. Eventually an acquaintance came by and the morning alarm started ringing.

Dream: Hurricane

Last night in a dream, someone pointed out flying cars. I looked around but couldn't see anything like that. The more I wondered about it, the more it materialized. While we were already cautious due to the pandemic, now there was also a hurricane threatening the people. While it passed by quite close, it did not affect our place.

Spiritual hackathon

The root cause of these problems is still there, for I haven't been able to figure out how to solve it.

For the past couple of nights, I've been waking up with the left eye in pain again. The air humidifier had been running, washing the eye didn't help, nor did the eye drops. So I just had to sit through the pain for perhaps an hour, unable to open the eye.

Yesterday I tried not to let it influence my plans to finish building a proper box for a high voltage supply. Well, it turned out quite crooked, but whatever.

Apparently had missed a couple of group meditation events. But then again, from my psychokinesis experiments I know that the time doesn't really matter. Made a couple of quick attempts at improving the situation due to the pandemic, but soon realized that my intentions were still shadowed by my own issues (and would spoil things).

A bit of a celibacy fail while sleeping during the day yesterday. Lost control of a dream.

Had interesting dreams after sitting through the pain last night.

Dream: Missed it

There was a restricted building with a lot of antique furniture, etc. Someone who had been working there (but was fired, I guess), wanted to show me something. By the time we got there, a moving company was taking things away and there wasn't much of anything he could show me. So we just roamed about, trying to look like we belonged there.

Dream: Spiritual hackathon

There was some kind of a hackathon going on. I think there was a lot which had to be done and I wasn't sure if we would manage to get it done in time. Anyway, the day ended and the team started moving towards the venue for the dinner.

While on the way, I think we had to wait behind some traffic lights. To our right, there was a park with police cadets training. I think I paid a bit too much attention to it, for before I knew it, I was also taking part of the drill. Matched the steps of a girl in front of me but at some point I noticed that I had gotten too close. Increased the distance. The girl was disappointed and left. I then asked the drill officer what was the recommended distance for marches during this pandemic. I think the answer was that it didn't matter.

Anyway, got back to the rest of the team but for some reason I had to tie my boot laces. The rest of the team crossed the street and left. Oh well.

Now there was a gathering place to my right. Several other teams had gathered there to listen to an organizational announcement for the hackathon. The announcement was projected onto a wall there. The person describing the schedule looked like a monk or a guru. After providing an overview of the schedule for the evening and the following days, he answered questions. While I don't think I asked anything, he answered about the difficulties of choosing a path. Although he used some amazing allegories, these only made sense within the dream. Basically, he said that it wouldn't matter what one picked, for the universe is great at filling in the blanks between one's position / attitude and intent. Somehow he explained it through the physics of a chain made of rope (which somehow made sense in the dream).

After listening to this guy, I remember saying: "Awesome. A week long pilgrimage through the mountains would've still been worth it for just that one quote of his."

He warned that the dinner was a bit exceptional and that it would be easy for one to lose their way.

Thank you

Slept some more and then suddenly started feeling pretty good from about 6 PM. Somehow really enjoyed my pasta and regained motivation and enthusiasm for building things.

I think this also helped:

The left eye still sees like a potato camera, though.

In addition to the food, I'm really digging Igorrr's new album.

Ill again, probably

There has been depression again since the meditation on Saturday.
Since then, I've tried to meditate and sleep a lot, which hasn't helped much.

Iteratively focused on parts of the body where the issues resided, with a neutral perspective. This seemed to have eased the issue somewhat.

Woke with eye pain twice again, and washing it with water only helped a little. Also applied eye drops but those didn't seem to make a difference.

For the past couple of days there haven't been any issues with the activity of the left vs. the right energy channel.

Vitamin D levels are still normal, I guess. However, there might've been a lack of some other vitamins, for yesterday evening a multivitamin pill tasted good.

Left hemisphere on fire

Since the meditation on Saturday, my left hemisphere (and left nostril) had been inactive. For the past couple of days I've been trying to boot the left hemisphere again.

The few times successful boots there has been a fairly intense flow of psi up the left side of the spine, in addition to the left side of the body producing a lot of heat. Occasionally I've felt something melt again in the centre of the brain, helping to calm the body.

The left eye has also been acting a bit strange recently. While the left side of the body was producing a lot of sweat, the left eye started to hurt due to dehydration.

Dream: Blood circulation

A dream from Monday morning. I was shown a prototype of some kind of a setup at a lab. In a plexi-glass cuboid, there were all sorts of tubes and pipes and a pump which acted as the heart. I was amazed. Then someone else entered the lab. They were amazed how efficient this system would be when adapted for producing artificial blood.

Dream: Stage

I don't know why but these kinds of dreams are rather common. For some reason, I sneak backstage to hide (otherwise stand out too much). While there, everyone would try to get me to the stage to perform.

That aside, a friend got a kid recently and this friend showed up in the dream. He was really tired, though. He listened to the concert for some time, then took a tent and went to sleep in the dream.

Thought of training

I thought that there wouldn't be anyone in the woods this late in the evening. I was almost right .. but the training grounds were still occupied. Moreover, most of the things were taped to avoid people training in there.

While I also considered just jogging, then, the smell of chemicals or something burning did not feel too inviting, either.

Met a sad footballer who had an even more serious problem than me. I haven't been training for years, whereas his body can't stand it if he doesn't train regularly.

The woods themselves were empty, though, and I could enjoy the moon shining through the trees occasionally. It created a somewhat surreal scene sometimes.

Although I did bring a headlamp, I didn't use it. I found that regardless of the fact that I couldn't see anything, I would raise my hands to push aside the invisible branches as if I had seen them. Somehow I felt their presence. Probably a neat side-effect of my eye problems.

Burning tree

On Saturday I had a chat with someone (on the Discord server) who meditates quite a bit. This inspired me to meditate as well, or at least attempt to.

Took 1h for such an attempt. I think I occasionally did fall into a meditative state for a second or two. Cat kept trying to obtain my attention, then the door made a sound and twitched, etc. Felt tired and didn't want to do anything afterwards. Watched S2E1 of Impulse and realized it wasn't a very good idea. Then played a bit of Doom (2016), which might've been a better idea if I had had a proper display. At night I made a mistake of pinging a lot of people on the Discord server, which caused some of the people to reveal their (not very nice) personalities.

Was also rather tired yesterday. Caught myself seeing the virus spreading in hypnagogic imagery. Left eye started to hurt and became sensitive to light. I think there are 2 potential causes - that bad display or some sort of viral infection. When I "look" at the body with my mind's eye, I don't see any virus, though. Maybe should buy a new monitor / display for the desktop PC.

Felt a bit better after visiting a department store yesterday evening.

Ah, at some point something melted in the heart chakra and spread throughout the body. Felt a bit better after that happened.

Today morning there's a mild headache and my left arm has been feeling a bit numb. Left eye still feels stressed.

Some strange symbols from the dreams.

Dream.Symbol: Old Lada

I had to go somewhere but didn't have a car. Someone offered me their old Lada for the trip but there were a lot of issues with it so I didn't make it. At some point the mechanism for controlling the flow of gasoline became stuck. Tried to dislodge it, but while doing so, it leaked gasoline on the road. A lot of pollution. A lady approached and pointed out the obvious. I said that I noticed, and apologized while knowing that my apology would no longer change anything.

Dream.Symbol: Burning tree

A bunch of youngsters were having a party or something somewhere. One of them started a bonfire in the yard. There was a tall tree which caught fire. The people thought it just looked cool and walked past it without paying much attention to it. I pointed out the issue that none of them looked at the burning tree or its branches. Soon after, the tree fell over .. on some of the youngsters. I tried to go back to see if there was anything which I could do to help but the dream faded before I managed to.

Dream.Symbol: Big Brother

Throughout the dreams, there was some sort of a presence again which kept observing everything and coordinating things. Feeling powerless against it, I mostly hid and avoided seeming suspicious. While this has also been a somewhat regular symbol, it has been the most prevalent while I've been ill.

Stuffed

For the past few days I've been visualizing love and warmth in the heart chakra. This has occasionally caused waves of heat to propagate up the body.

Sunday evening I suddenly felt sorry for myself. That night I had a dream where I slept in a room with a lot of noise. When I woke up in the morning, I felt a bit floaty. It felt as if the head were stuffed and any sound stimulated the crown chakra.

Yesterday I focused on getting work done quickly and efficiently. While stressful, I was surprised to see that I could do that again. This feature probably depends on the heart chakra a lot. Ended up feverishly debugging a non-existing problem, though.

Friends?

Last night I had a slightly disturbing dream. For some reason, a former friend started throwing knives at me, laughing. I dodged them, picked one up, transformed it into a small rock and threw it at him. It hit his head and the dream ended.

Discrimination of info

Tried relighting the heart chakra and realized some mistakes which I had made on the Discord server. Apologized, and while doing so, realized some more about myself and the issues which I've been having for a while.

Today it occurred to me that one of the reasons why I don't really fit in anywhere is a concept which most people seem to be missing. I've been using this quote from Bhagavad Gita as a signature at the psychokinesis forum for many years:

A stable-minded person will neither hug nor hate the world, he will take things as they come.

It seems that generally people only want to hear happy news. It's as if they thought that all problems would disappear if they simply ignore them. For example, a lot of people refuse to read any news regarding the Corona virus because the news would make them feel bad.

Yesterday the neighbour visited again. This time was a bit different, though, for we got to discuss things. He had the idea that a lot of problems would disappear if TV, radio, internet were to disappear. That these media were only a means of propaganda and brainwashing. I tried to explain to him that mankind wasn't ready for a global network of telepathy and empathy yet, and that the internet was simply a technological alternative for the time being. I don't think I managed to convey it in a way which he could grasp.

Quite often when people say something which makes them upset or emotional. At times like these, I would point out that they're emotional simply because they're missing some of the viewpoints. However, when I describe some other viewpoint, it probably only upsets them even more .. for they don't want to hear it. They want to stay in the bubble where only their viewpoint is correct. Me trying to correct people in order to point out the multiple facets to everything is probably what causes problems in fitting in.

Out of options

I think more or less the only way for me to become immune to diseases again as well as to find a bit of happiness again is meditation, psychokinesis and spiritualism in general. Need to maintain celibacy while collecting sexual energy up to higher chakras, in order to relight them.

I think I've seen the opposite path somewhere before (probably in a dream). In that alternate reality, I failed to overcome depression in time .. and the pandemic got to me. Dad wasn't too happy, so maybe it wasn't a very good idea. Also, I suspect that I've received quite a bit of training and teachings (for some unknown responsibilities in the future) which would be sort of wasted in such a scenario.

On the other hand, the path of spirituality would again mean that I would lose enthusiasm and motivation to do anything in this material world. Throughout the years I've been trying to figure out a workaround but I don't think I've found any. On the contrary, depression due to the lack of spirituality has had the same effect - enthusiasm and motivation are more and more difficult to come by.

Due to the pandemic, any attempts to fit in as a more-or-less normal person have been rendered futile. Spirituality seems to be the only option, even though it's rather selfish.

Occasionally things in my room have started to make loud crackling sounds again. There are waves of heat propagating up the body, sometimes I feel somewhat floaty and I've started to feel things which I see or hear again.

Dream: Speed-flying

A couple of nights ago, I was coming home from the town center. I tried flying as fast as I could .. by becoming weightless and then pulling myself from different objects. I found that I could keep holding onto an object even if I had already flown quite far from it. I tried to make a sharp turn by holding onto a traffic post about 100 or 200 m behind me. The speed was too much for me to control, and I crashed into the lawn. While reckless, it was a lot of fun.

Evil witch?

I suspect that this is what the evil witch is about? The sleeping witch whom I've seen in the depths of some dreams ever since being a kid. The witch whom I've been the most scared of.

I suspect that I failed to mention it here but fairly recently I finished watching Monster and I thought I related to it a bit too well.

Anyway, with the whole corona virus emergency today, suddenly everything seemed to have clicked together. All the things since the 2nd half of 2019 which seemed off and illogical - were a preparation for the events which occurred only recently. I used to feel very confused and disoriented because nothing which I planned, worked out. Everything high-priority seemed irrelevant, everything was so chaotic .. now suddenly things make sense again.

I'm not sure how to feel about it but for it seems that for some reason I enjoy difficult situations. They make me feel alive, they make me feel as if I was born at the correct time and that suddenly there was a purpose for my existence. During a great difficulty, I often find my mind more clear and easier to concentrate on solving problems.

While it's probably not good to say this, the virus pandemic does help to solve a lot of problems which had been piling up over the years. Problems which otherwise seemed nearly impossible to solve. Problems, which mankind had missed out of ignorance. It's amazing how things take place in this universe. It occurred to me what "conspiracy" might be about -- it's perhaps the same as what I've referred to as "synchronicity".

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm evil or not. While I would prefer people to be happy, healthy and without suffering, I would feel very out of place in such a world. This could be interpreted as "I enjoy people suffering," which I would not like .. I think .. or at least, I like to think that I would not like that.

Gas stove

Yesterday evening I sometimes felt someone or something breathing onto my neck. When I turned around, there was nothing behind me.

Woke with eye pain again. It took time before the eye drops started having any effect. Consumed some garlic, just in case.

Dream: Gas stove

Last night I saw a lit gas stove three times throughout the dreams. The first two times I tried to switch it off because it was dangerous. Each time more of the burners were lit than the previous time. The third time I smelled something burning, went to the kitchen and saw all the burners fully lit. Since I had switched it off several times already, I figured that it had to be a dream. So, instead of switching it off, I cranked all the burners up to the maximum and visualized the effect on the energy channels in the body. Then cranked the burners back to how they were.

Hack-a-ton

Sometimes I wonder why people are so nice to me or to things which I do, whereas I don't feel like I deserve it. This makes me feel like I owe something to them and make up for it somehow.

Business

The business hackathon was nice.

I knew that we would get accepted to the hackathon. It wasn't just a hunch, for somehow I managed to see / feel the organizers conspiring to make it happen.
Even though our company's pitch wasn't very good imho, I knew that we would get a prize. This probably had something to do with the broad reach of acquaintances, random news articles of praise and perhaps with the employees being known for their previous projects.

All in all, everything was perfect in terms of a learning experience and we got exactly what we needed. It's amazing how things can work out.

Marker

While at the hackathon, at some point I noticed that my right hand was smudged with marker. Not just smudged, but it looked as if there were three lines written on it, with the first two lines being almost readable. I thought I could read out the following:

"Ok I'll ..."
"Ok I will ..."
"..." (illegible)

I must have touched something with a fresh marker writing on it, but as I looked around, I couldn't spot anything with a marker writing on it. I have no clue where it came from or why and it didn't come off very easily.

A couple of days before I also got my hands dirty with markers because I touched a whiteboard sponge at my seminar.

Formless cloud of consciousness

Had a video call with mom last night. She said she saw me as a formless cloud once in October and that she hadn't seen me in that form before. When I briefly described the symbology of my eye issue, she confirmed it. It occurred to her that she had gone through a similar stage in life and that she had also had a problem with eyes as it happened.

The cycle

Now about a week ago, I think I realized my main emotional cycle and planned my way out. I think I've finally started to understand a bit better what owltwelve has been saying for all these years about utilizing sexual energy for psychokinesis training. I had failed to see that this emotional cycle was caused by unused sexual energy. The label "sexual" confused me because of all the meanings which the society has given to this label.

Dream: Kittens

A few days ago I had a dream where I looked for the cat but found a bunch of kittens, instead. These kittens had not been fed very well. For some reason I offered a piece of tree bark to one of the kittens, which ate it with quite an appetite.

Dream: Helicopter

A group of us were getting ready for a trip with a helicopter. My sister had something which she still needed to do, and got left behind. At some point I decided to go back and check on her, and perhaps wait until she gets things done. By the time she was ready to go, the helicopter was almost at the destination. This meant that we had to get through the woods, for which we got horses. At some point I noticed that sister had left again .. so I just gave up and continued to the destination. I reached the destination at the same time that the helicopter landed.

Dream: Scheming

I was at some kind of a meeting where a problem with a hidden bully was discussed. In order to expose the bully, I thought that a triggering letter should be written. However, the letter would be the easiest to write for a person with specific personality traits. For this task, a former friend seemed to be the most appropriate. Summoned him and discussed it further.

Spent time with him throughout the rest of the dreams. We discussed a lot of different things which I can't really recall. I was glad. It felt as if he had often visited the place where I was staying but each time that he did, I was never there.

Cleaning, healing

For the past month or so, I've been feeling more life in me. It seems as if the goal for 2020 (to regain health) is progressing. Occasionally I've even felt enthusiasm or willingness to do things like cleaning the apartment. With all these years I had forgotten how just how great it felt. The ability to forgive myself and to "love myself" has also been resurfacing recently. I think without it there cannot really be much of a healing.

Visited a doctor again with the eye, coughing and lack of vitamin D problems. For recovery I had specifically been taking less vitamin D than what one of the doctors had suggested. My vitamin D level had recovered very well and was back to normal. Regarding coughing, the doctor didn't see anything wrong .. so it's probably more due to the air quality in my room and less due to a flu or something. My eye was also more-or-less fine again by the time I visited the doctor. They said that an injury like that would often take more than a year to fully heal.

Had been feeling more-or-less back to normal, until my coughing became worse a few days ago. Have been lacking sleep because of this. On the mattress (which is not that old yet and I just vacuumed it), I more-or-less only suffocate (both nostrils close up and start to cough bad). Even sleeping on the floor doesn't seem to help much.

Managed to have a dream.

Dream: Cooking

I arrived at a social event of some sort, unknown place. As usual, I was early. Uninstalled boots, looked for an empty spot to hide them and walked through the corridor. Turned into the kitchen (to my right) where I found one of my aunts cooking something for the event.

She typically doesn't cook complex meals, but this time it looked rather complex. I took the chance to discuss something with her, but I somewhat failed at multitasking. I wanted to help with the cooking but messed it up by pouring the rest of the oil onto the flour. While it was indeed meant that oil would be added there, aunt asked if I had poured it on cold (probably mixed with a little bit of salty water or something) or flour.

Of course I didn't. I wouldn't have even thought that would matter. In order to remember this seemingly unintuitive detail, I started to wonder if there was some physics involved which would explain the rationale. Aunt just said "because fried onions would also go in there," which did not seem to resolve the confusion.

Judging by the complexity, it seemed as if aunt were cooking ramen or something, with custom dough. I don't think my aunts have ever made that kind of food. In any case, aunt as well as everything surrounding her was really vivid and I considered her concentration skill impressive.

Sister was also there but only half-way in the dream. I wondered if maybe I could help her but she was just taking something from the cupboard when a bunch of chopsticks fell to the floor. Woke up.

Took some tea and wrote it down. Since it's a bit later now, will retry sleep.

Wolf

On Saturday morning, the bus to another city was packed with people coughing. Since Thursday I was still feeling a bit sick (a lot of mucus in the lungs, left eye itching, stomach ache, headache), I decided to rest instead of using the multimedia device on the bus.

Saturday and Sunday I spent at grandparents' place. On Sunday there were elderly people visiting. After the event, grandpa expressed gratitude that I had been able to come and that I always seemed to get along well with the elderly. I said: "Well, I guess I'm old too," which caused a reaction like "Pfft, what the heck, man?". On a more serious note, I could relate to one of the old ladies who cried and said she was "tired of everything". I found it curious that she seemed to have used almost exactly the same words which I had used not very long before.

On the bus back home, there was barely anyone coughing nor sneezing in the bus. But the multimedia device in front of my seat was broken. While there was nobody sitting next to me, I did not change the seat. Instead, I decided to look out of the window (without seeing anything because it was dark) and work through the variety of thoughts in my mind. It made me feel a bit uneasy that there was a reflection of the girl sitting in the row in front of me, "blocking the view into the darkness".

Bought an air humidifier / cleaner yesterday. While taking a shortcut to the device, trying to keep a distance to people, a girl with a pierced face walked past me. She looked at me, smiled and thought I was cute. I briefly glanced at her with my classic serious and maybe a bit sad face with all the blemishes in full glory.

On Monday morning I had a couple of interesting dreams.

Dream: Wolf

I was in the front yard of the summerhouse with someone at my left when someone else came running and shouting: "A wolf, a wolf, there's a wolf in the yard!"

The wolf darted past him, and seemed to be running at me. I was glad that it wasn't chasing anyone else there. Grabbed the wolf as it leaped towards my face with its teeth, and started petting it. It struggled for a bit, trying to bite me in the face in some way or other but it eventually gave up. The wolf kept shrinking the more I petted it, until eventually I lost it in the fabric of my clothing.

Dream: A cult

I think I was formless, at least in the beginning when I followed a couple of people walk into a "witchy" building. Witchy because it was made of stone and wood, and looked old. Apparently one of the couple was new to this cult, so the people introduced them to their core principles. Everything seemed okay until they started a ritual or something I guess. Then suddenly everyone in the room turned towards me (did I accidentally take a form?) and started to chant things like "You are one of the ??? Samaritans, you are one of us, one of us" or something along the lines. I have forgotten the word ???, but I suspect it might have been "first", "last", "true" or whatever. Due to the people turning towards me and chanting suspicious stuff in a creepy way, I left (vanished). The "you are one of us, one of us" part I still heard while I was in the void between the dream and waking up. They spelled "us" with a hissing Slytherin 'S'.

Scheduled: Internal struggles

A copy of some of my posts on the Discord server from Sunday.

Disclaimer: With these posts I'm not implying anything, don't worry. Just describing some of my internal struggles.
I hope that you either won't make the same mistakes or that you take the consequences into account.

For a couple of years or so, I've been feeling like I've missed my chance at life.
I used to think less of people who had a life, for their productivity and philosophical depth often seemed lower. Now I see it the other way around. All of them have homes and families, they're happy with their lives and so on. Actually I am inferior, always have been and it seems that it's too late now. Similar to what Hodgins said to Violet in Violet Evergarden (and what a former colleague also told me a while ago), my body and mind are also burning from all the past choices and actions. I used to have good health and I used to be proud of it, while at the same time I took it for granted. Used to drown sadness in studying and work. Now this body is somewhat worn and it seems that I can't work much overtime even if I wanted to.

On the other hand, I probably also would not have felt content with my life even if I had one. There would still be this longing for something beyond normal. It used to feel like whatever it was which I was longing for, was just behind the veil separating the physical and non-physical realms. However, since 2012 that's gone as well. Since then there hasn't even been anything to long for. It reminds me of continuing to play a single player game after the campaign is finished, with maybe just a few side-quests yet to be explored.

Over the years I've seen that sometimes there are things which need to be done. If I'm willing to do any of them and  when the time is right, it will be possible for me to do them. However, if I don't, then simply someone else does them (without needing any coordination on my part). Therefore, I consider myself expendable.

This is exactly what my literature teacher warned our class against and I more-or-less laughed at it. The literature teacher said:
"Ignore the political situation, lack of financial independence, lack of a house, lack of a car and get yourself a family. Then maybe start worrying about the rest."
"Postpone existential questions until retirement, or avoid these at all."

While I did not literally laugh at it, my reaction was more like "yeaah suuure /s. I've been pondering about existential questions since I was born, why should I stop now? Also, who needs a family anyway?"

Potential solution

Remembered again that the only thing which matters is the lifestyle and attitude towards everything. And even that only matters when you make it matter (so it's a part of the lifestyle and attitude). And that's also what Violet Evergarden was mostly about, at least for me.