Welcome

The goal of this blog is to motivate myself and others for further practice as well as provide details that might explain what's going on..


Sunday, June 28, 2015

Merging layers of concentration

Spent a night at a friend's place. Had a delayed Midsummer's Eve of sorts, grilling, sauna, discussed mystic stuff and watched a movie. He's not into mysticism that much and the place was more inspiring for the part of me that's into technology and engineering. A lot of custom-built smart home gadgets and an awesome custom-built security system.

Anyway, at night there I noticed that my layers were apart. Focused them back together, which made me feel a lot better. Lost some energy, though. As usual, couldn't sleep too well the first night at a foreign place. The aura of the place was familiar, reminiscent of my old self. Very inspiring and at the same time, emphasized deep concentration and a certain minimalism (lack of clutter that serves no purpose, everything is optimized for simplicity and efficiency).

Felt tired today. Visited the gym and at first it seemed that I don't have enough energy to keep the pace with Hyena. I was wrong. One of the most rewarding workouts so far. Had a mad appetite for dairy products (cottage cheese, yoghurt, milk) afterwards.

After merging the layers, I've been feeling slightly different. It's as if the head is full of thick psi or something, slightly muffling the sound (while at the same time making it seem full 3D).

Friday, June 26, 2015

Pinkish-white

A couple of days ago I encountered this seemingly sourceless fear again. The whole body felt as if on the verge of panic, whereas I could not come up with any viable reason. Panic level rises the more I speak (frustration at the exceptionally limited rate of information transfer). Tried
  1. Expanding the awareness (helped a little, but was disturbed by including other people).
  2. Focusing awareness on the ground (about 1.5 m into the Earth). Also seemed to have helped a little.
  3. Focusing on breathing (helped the most, I think).
Had a few realizations that simplified my world view. Ego, karma, disease, death, concentration sort of merged together.

Tried merging with death (or with what's to the left of the body). This fixed some egoistic arrogance issues that were taking up valuable space in the mind.

Before falling asleep I saw my aura being pinkish-white (not a very healthy sign, I've heard. I don't believe though, since it's unhealthy to think unhealthy things and I haven't come across convincing evidence in this part anyway).

Anyway, to me it seems that I have generated a psychic blockage in the digestive system. Even though I may have eaten a lot of nutritious food, the body panics with dangerously low levels of everything. Because food barely digests. Sugar partially bypasses digestion, which is why there's a faint bodily craving for it. Exercise does not help the digestive system. Diets also don't. Only concentration practice and meditation do. These cause a lot of heat to be released from the abdomen .. like being in a static const sauna of some type; While I'm not meditating, it gets a bit cold. So I keep installing and uninstalling the sweater / fleece like tens of times throughout the day.

What also works is relaxation. Not only relaxing all the muscles but relaxing all of the layers of mind too. The issue is not in the physical body but in one of the mind layers.

Remembered that while I was relaxing the mind on a bus, I felt something crawl up from my throat. It made me cough, only to realize it was not physical, even though it felt so and caused an automatic physical reaction. I assume this something was an ego-construct or something, because this crawling occurred exactly at the moment I realized the petty nature of a part of the mind.

Weird silhouette

Tried letting go of the filters of my sight before bed last night. ::Rhymes, yeah! Pathetic one, tho:(:

Saw the 4D flow of some field that had all the colors and more. "Very trippy" is I guess how people would comment on a visualizer of similar nature. Observed it for until I fell asleep. Some random dreams again. Although I became lucid, I couldn't do much about it. I walked down a dark corridor with green walls of some sort. There was a red-framed square window with a single glass plate to my right. Glanced out. There was a small building or shack in front, an empty street and the faint glow of an upcoming sunrise. There was something behind the window, flying around. At first while writing this down, I thought it was the black silhouette of a large bird, perhaps an eagle .. but I think it was actually a large moth, which had a triangular shape as it circled around. Anyway, this image triggered lucidity. At first I tried to apply psychokinesis on its flight, to make it fly upward and away. Didn't work. Then tried to OBE from the dream .. also didn't work, ended up simply waking up.

At work there's a summer trainee from Korea. While driving back from lunch, she pointed to the sky and wanted us to see what was there. Later I saw it too, but it was quite far already and from the angle I couldn't determine what it was. Asked her what it was, but I didn't get her English. I thought she thought it was a large bird of some sort. Then I thought she thought it was a drone. Here's a list of what came to mind .. in the same order:
  1. Would be awesome to see a person flying..
  2. A large bird, such as an eagle, or perhaps a crane?
  3. ::it came properly into view:: No, can't be .. that's a very weird shape / silhouette .. most likely a drone?
Note that this was over the fields almost in the middle of nowhere. If that were a quadrotor, it must've had quite a battery to have flown a few kilometres from the nearest buildings.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Talos

Couldn't sleep too well last night. Very warm and a bit too much energy. Then mosquitoes, too.

Had the sensation of hot cobweb of channels within the body.

For the past couple of days I've been enjoying The Talos Principle. It's very good in making the players think outside the box, features a lot of existentialism and hints at spiritual matters as well .. although it remains a bit too shallow (the role-play existentialistic debates are carefully limited to mainstream).

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Glimpse at deity body

Sigh, sexual energy is berserk much. Mind enjoys chasing girls I haven't met.

Well, I seem to have a difficulty in getting used to that sort of stuff. A few weeks ago father started dating a woman. One evening he brought her home and leaned against the door frame of my room, hugging each-other tightly. My eyebrows must have been misaligned when I stared at them with a gaping mouth.

A messy way of ruining one's life, my semi-rational mind says with hatred, disappointment, self-pity and some facts from books.

Got something interesting again last night. Actually, I'll start off with the last dream two mornings ago. There were a few of us, exploring some sort of an ancient and mystical place .. full of mysteries and puzzles, obviously. With a barge, we sped down into a new room on a water aqueduct. Down in the middle of the room there was a pool of dark water of seemingly infinite depth. We hit it at full speed and buoyance-bounced back to surface (only penetrated perhaps 20 cm). Realizing we needed more mass or more momentum, we started piling up weights on the barge. ::morning alarm::

Last night before falling asleep, I focused on having the body of a Buddha. I was sort of astonished at the vividness and details of the half-physical body I was visualizing. Tuned it more towards non-physical (consisting of high-frequency vibrations of energy). Might've lost consciousness for a moment (don't remember stuff). At some moment I realized I was seeing golden light above my right hemisphere. Focused on the light. Lost consciousness (or forgot what I experienced), I think. Then suddenly I found myself in the bed again, while the body and mind were quite different. The body and mind felt perfect .. absolutely no worries, thoughts, emotions .. just pure pleasure of being. I continued focusing on the light, I think .. or on the state of body and mind. Managed to maintain the state for a few minutes.

Today I felt hungry for the first time over months. The nightly experience had cleared the gutter so that my digestive system actually worked for a short while. I don't think I managed to sleep much, though .. too energized.

Err .. wait. It seems I remember the perfect body and mind as a bilocated / double being. As if being in the bed next to me, both of us feeling and being exactly the same.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Old stuff

Leaked three times during the night. This time the symptoms were so faint that I didn't notice. Oh well. I've been a bit moody today as well, for some reason. Perhaps some old stuff is coming out..

Right, remembered that yesterday I dug some posts of a guy on Mark's pk forum. This guy claimed he had come from another universe that they had messed up. He oozed hatred, but the info he shared was exciting. Checked one of his youtube videos as well and got the feeling that he was legit. Some of this hatred might've stuck with me.

I've noticed it before that those leaks are sort of a defense reaction. Similar to sneezing, which I've also done a few times today.

On another note, I've noticed a new perspective on the world. The mind has caught itself on absurd thought patterns .. stuff that I didn't notice before.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Spontaneous happiness

Last night I saw my right hand from the corner of my eyes. It was glowing white, much like the flickering column on the balcony yesterday.

Today I've been trying relaxation of the mind. While being driven back home, I found myself in a strange state of mind. Almost like sleeping and awake at the same time.

Caught my mind debating on the behaviour of Hyena .. "He's making funny rules each time. He probably wants to make visiting the gym fun." A strange moment, because visiting the gym is in fact *supposed* to be fun! This led to the realization that my self-importance has been too important, or in other words, I've been taking myself too seriously. Spontaneous happiness for 15 minutes, at least :-)

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Dreaming

This may be useful for people who want to tackle lucid dreaming and OBE / astral travel.

A few suggestions copied from a forum post:
  1. Recall the dreams or perhaps even write them down.
  2. Relax all the muscles in the body before sleep.
  3. Relax the mind before sleep (leave daily worries and problems next to the pile of clothes, for example). Perhaps even meditate briefly before falling asleep.
  4. Don't eat late.
  5. Come up with an activity that will betray the fact that you're dreaming (look at your hands, check the watch for time, read a piece of paper with text or attempt crazy pk like flying around and throwing Kamehameha). Practice that activity when you have the slight suspicion that you may be dreaming.
  6. Sometimes try to move without moving your body (works when the body has fallen asleep and the mind is still awake).
  7. Practice concentration to avoid the mind sticking to random dream events around you. Each time it does that, it tends to pop into another dream, forget itself and it'll take a while for it to realize that it's dreaming again.
Edit: Forgot the most important one: Be impeccable. In other words, make sure that you won't become lost in illusions (pretty or not).
I used to write down dreams before I had learned to write (and type). Used to type them down on an old 0286 and print out with a dot matrix printer. Wow, should revive old habits.

The other points I've sometimes forgotten as well.

Flickering column of light

Pretty colors outside. Stood up and walked to the balcony to stare and meditate. In periphery vision, I saw a column of flickering white light to my right. Or actually, not flickering, the light was moving up and down very rapidly. Observed it on the periphery for some time, then looked in that direction, looked back and couldn't see it anymore.

Uhm, it was in the direction of the birds' diarrhea region of the balcony window. Somehow a seagull had encountered a "sh*t happened" moment and hit the window. Then months later father washed the windows. The next day some other seagull had painted an even greater stain on the same spot.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Realignment

Hmm .. got something interesting.

Took a nap. Played some sort of a strategy game with other people in the dream. I think I lost, or at least got to what seemed like a dead-end. Popped back to the game lounge / starting position where each player had chosen their path. Had an idea that instead of charging forward like all the players did, I could've gone to the starting position of another player too. Heard another player walk out of their starting position in the lounge too. She went into another room behind the corner, singing. Her singing was not melodic but had a specific sound in it, which I liked.

It occurred to me that I could perhaps balance out some of the energies. Rushed there and hugged her. Knowing that it's possible to lose it all, I tried to maintain it so that we wouldn't exchange energy but it would get realigned due to its magnetic properties (move upward from the navel).

Everything went dark and lost form. I felt her but couldn't see or hear her anymore. She had become only a blob of energy. I heard and felt my digestive system become alive again and it felt as if the central channel opened up again. Once it did, I thought I let go.

As I woke up in my room, my attention was assembling in the bed slowly. Found myself sleeping in a strange position. Feet were crossed and leaning up against the wall .. no matter I had trouble with orientation, trying to enter the body. At least, that's what I thought. It felt so nice to sleep there that I didn't want to get out of bed yet. Looked around the room. Everything was at its place .. almost. I was supposed to have a laptop on the desk right here, but it wasn't there. Realized I'm not in the right place and realized I still felt the blob of energy there. I told telepathically to let go.

Woke up in my room. I was lying on the bed but rotated 180 degrees, I think. Looked at the table .. a vase with a flower instead of the laptop. I still felt the blob of energy there. I told telepathically to let go, while trying to release myself too. Everything lost form and got dark, then I was whirling around the vertical axis in my own reference frame, in the darkness. Willed myself to wake up.

Woke up in my room. Almost everything was as it was supposed to be (laptop was off, even though I had left it on). It was 7 PM with a nice evening sunset. Stood up, walked to the door frame between my room and the living room. Swept my T-shirt so that it would look nicer, because I saw sister with some other girl sitting in the living room. I drummed on both sides of the wall with the fingers of both hands .. to verify the solidity. It was as solid as it should be.

Also, when I opened my eyes slowly, even the optics of the eyes seemed to be quite realistic (in all of these dreams). Willed myself to wake up .. didn't work, which added to the reality of the situation.

Then suddenly I realized I'm indulging in the illusions. ::Bam, I wake up in my room in an instant, and this time all the details seem to be correct::

This is nice:

The background image looks powerful. Combined with the music, it seems pretty mystical.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Burden-management

Regardless of the intention, I still dreamt about something that I consider to be crap. ::something hot touched my right arm::

As far as I'm aware, I spent the whole night organizing the burdens of a bunch of kids. Sure, I respected them and cared about them. However, there was all sorts of trouble with the buses (transportation between the worlds) and dragging their backpacks around .. whereas they didn't care about their backpacks in the least. It was my responsibility but nobody needed it done. Kind of reminds me of the project management stuff .. whereas the wasted effort slightly reminds me of spiritual development. I've spent years on something that I know should only take a few seconds and I can't say I've achieved it yet. For the past 2 days I've been feeling weak, without an idea of what I've done wrong.

On another note, this is indulging too. Got to keep pushing regardless of all those delays.

Perhaps those goosebumps are indicative of indulging as well. So, reading inspiring books, watching inspiring videos / movies is making one weaker?

Hmm.. one thing that might've been important in the dream was that there was one kid, whose backpack somehow opened on its own and food fell out onto the asphalt. I could not do anything about it except being a witness and picking up the stuff that escaped. Also, some kids finished their travels in that realm early and popped back to where their backpacks were. Though, they looked like zombies .. unaware of their dreaming. In fact, most people do.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Inspired for OBE

Owltwelve posted on his journal that he has been visiting Mars astrally, and took up healing the planet. I want to get my OBEs to the stage where I could do that too.

Last night I tried to keep the mind blank, but the pressure of the force field was too great in some areas within the skull. One such area was on the left hemisphere, another at the center, near the pineal gland. So, I dissipated the focus and had chaotic dreams. Today it's been a bit more difficult to reassemble the concentration.

Reading Castaneda spawns so many goosebumps. :)
Very cool, how Castaneda's puzzle of life starts coming together, only to reveal more mysteries. Flashbacks or memories of being in places or doing stuff that can't be, are getting a whole new meaning.

Hmm .. remembered that today morning I saw something ordinary that seemed awkward. Walked past the beach and a lady was tanning. What made it strange, it was a week day 8 AM and it was about 9 *C and windy outside. At least it would've been cold for me if I hadn't worn a sweater on top of a T-shirt.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Something changed

There was a surge in intent last night / today morning, I think. The force field around the body has been quite thick already. When I focused on it, it caused nausea.

Walked to a parking lot next to a friend's dorm. Realized that I could see my old kindergarten from behind the trees and through two fences. Went closer. Looked at the place, some old memories came up. To avoid clinging to them, I turned around and walked back to friend's car. Looked at the trees instead. A seagull shouted, circled around me and flew towards the kindergarten. I kept my eyes at it throughout the event. Then looked back at the trees. Mind became blank and I got somewhat absorbed in the trees. Birds were chirping on one of the trees. Sensed power / energy increasing there. Then the birds flew away and a sort of darkness flew into the tree. The power stayed there. I turned around, looked around and still the power stayed there in the branches and leaves of that tree. I thought I had leaked it out due to prolonged focus on the tree. I let go of my obsession with trees, to which the trees reacted with a violent swaying and shaking of the leaves. The power remained. Focused on the power and observed it without obsession. Somehow took a part of it. The force field around the body wobbled quite a bit.

By utilizing blank mind, I challenged dirty thoughts. For one, the dorm building used to give me the sensation of a fire accident each time I looked at it. Purged it so that the sensation dissipated.

After standing there for about 20 minutes or so, I realized I was standing in the middle of an ants' highway. Heavy traffic. None of them touched me, though. I carefully stepped away.

Buildings, trees, birds, people feel different. The 24/7 focus on the force field is almost back. Not quite, but almost. By focusing on it, internal tension and stress faded away pretty quick.

On another note, the first week in gym was a bit tough. Easily started to feel sick .. drank a lot of water, juice, milk. Skin became fragile and started peeling off .. ate a lot of butter. Well, obviously one needs to have something to put butter on before eating it .. so I ate black and white or fake (grayscale rice+corn disk) bread, too.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Shadowrun

I've played quite a bit of Shadowrun recently. Shadowrun: Dragonfall is very good, in my opinion .. almost comparable to Fallout 2. Very good storyline, packs conspiracy theories, ancient civilizations, magic, shamanism, jedi-ism in addition to the run-around-with-guns in a post-apocalyptic world.

Such video games have sometimes helped me uncover a specific attitude towards the world. Especially when the outcome of a situation in the game depends on dialogue options and it's missing the line that I would want to say. The attitude: Since I'm in this situation with these resources, then there must be a way out with what I have.

For most of the time, this mentality works better in reality than it does in video games, because the latter are still rather limited. However, right when I had adopted the attitude, even seemingly impossible conditions sparked good tactics.

Another aspect of gaming is the involvement of psionics and geisting. A locked door .. I enter 5 numbers in some order, without letting the rational mind interfere .. click, door opens on first attempt. Cool. Sometimes subconscious mind has notified me of when to save, which dialogue options to select, based on the intended outcome and so on. Today when the player character was taking a train home, and there was a description of the wind in the train tunnel .. bam, living room window blasts open and a strong wind blows through my room. Paused the game and closed the window :).

Anyway, last night my mind was full of Shadowrun clutter. Managed to brush it up before entering sleep.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Random

It has happened again that active gym'ing has weakened the immune system a little. Got something in the left nostril that irritates the skin.

Last night UPS's beeped. Only remembered this when father told about the storm in the morning.

Dreams were pretty vivid. In the last dream, I stepped out of the summerhouse main building. Looked around and saw a great thunder cloud coming from the west. Very strong wind. Walked around, somewhat paranoid about tree branches falling or roofs becoming damaged, etc. A friend also came out. We had built something on top of the roof of the main building. It looked like wooden bridges and stairs. Anyway, he climbed up there to show how stable it was in the wind. In fact, it became unaffected by the storm right when he stepped on it. Previously it had been swinging around dangerously.

Woke up at a 180 degrees angle with the body. This has been fairly common since I started randomly sleeping in either direction.

The force field around the body has become thicker, however, I haven't been constantly aware of it (previously I used to have 24/7 awareness of it).

Good album:

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Crown

Chatted with father yesterday, on the subject of manipulating the past. A strong storm appeared each time I tried to raise a point. The storm redirected father's attention so he looked out of the window instead.

Before sleep, I remembered this experience with smoke. Visualized the smoke engulfing me and cleansing the energy body. After a while I noticed that the smoke was dissipating from areas where it was no longer needed. I guess I fell asleep before I became fully cleansed (the chest or upper-back remained in smoke). Remained aware throughout most of the night again. Woke tired.

Today morning our old kettle powered itself on without any water in it.

On a bus today I stood next to a man with skin flaking off in a few places. He seemed to be quite humble and nice, as if he had just recently overcome an addiction or something. At some moment I saw a distortion in the energy field above his head. It looked as if a sphere was about to form .. a semi-transparent 60 degree arc formed. Right when this happened, the man looked up at it. I was a bit puzzled, wondering if this was somehow semi-consciously caused by me.

Recently I've noticed that as I walk past some bushes, their branches sometimes bend away .. as if there were a bubble of swirlwind around me.

On my way to the bus station, I focused on the upper-back region that makes a cracking sound when I stretch it. Also, that's the spot where energy tends to get tangled. After some practise with that, something changed. It feels as if the crown is about to open up again. Waves of heat ascended up the spine. This time the heat was more intense than before.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Have to

Last night in bed I saw the light around my head, then there was a cracking sound in the neck and it all became dark.

Managed to remain aware / lucid throughout the dreams. A lot of work and school related stuff. In one of them, there was some sort of a guy, who glued himself to my dream body and wanted to extract my energy I guess. Without being surprised, I used a technique to detach him. Basically I considered us as two permanent magnets and slid him away across the tangent. For push, I used another person who was not "magnetic".



Today I found myself nervous and drained of energy again. Nervous about how the student would do at his thesis defence. Due to this, the heart region became painful again for some time.

Somehow managed to work around it, I think, and went to gym. Noticed that today I somehow had more stamina than I could use up. Muscles became sore before I got tired. Also noticed that little to no undigested thoughts, emotions surfaced. During the past few days the demand for concentration on self-stalking has been more than it ever has been. It has seemed very hard to overcome the indulgence. There's not much of a choice, though, since I know I would injure myself if I gave in to indulgence while doing exercise at the gym. The same with work .. it's no longer possible to delay any of it, so I just have to cleanse my mind of impure thoughts, emotions.

Hmm .. today there was also an interesting wind. A regular strong wind was blowing against me as I walked. Then for 1 second, there was a 2 or 3x stronger blow directed at me. Before and after that peak, wind was more or less normal. That direct blow brushed my mind clear for a moment, and inner dialogue ceased for some time.

Observations

After performing exercises on the feet at the gym yesterday and then walking about 13 km today, I thought I wouldn't go to the gym today. I then fought indulgence .. then decided to go through a store to buy some mineral water for the gym .. waited for bodily signs. Accidentally missed one store. Then thought I would stop by another. Missed that too. Then the body yawned. Then missed the third store and the body yawned again. So I took a nap, instead. Three hours of hi-quality sleep, which I haven't had for a while.

Today I've noticed a high tendency towards indulging. Also, I've been feeling tired (which I've overcome with willpower) and I've been drinking a lot of water, juice, yoghurt. Like a week's amount of it or something.

Had a theory that moving the body causes undigested emotions, thoughts, feelings to resurface. It's like these things have accumulated in the muscles and joints.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

The power of waiting

Intended to "find" the hands in the dreams again. Well, I did stare a lot at them. Also realized that one of my stretching habits subconsciously fulfilled the same purpose. Nothing special in the dreams. Was at the summerhouse again. There were I think 4 possibilities of what to do while waiting for the morning. One of them was sitting around a bonfire and talking. I did not choose that one but I did talk to people.

Before falling asleep, though, I noticed something more interesting. I felt my teeth, gums, jaw transforming. As I focused on the feeling, I saw some sort of an image of the teeth, gums and jaw. It didn't tell me much. Played with the feeling, reversing it so that I gained my "original" form, then let it transform into this weird form again. I don't know what this weird form was or wasn't, but it felt as if the head became more round, while the jaw became thinner and teeth became larger. However, the image that I saw, indicated that the jaw became wider, instead. Dunno .. but I'm skeptical about it. I've felt pressure on the jaw before, but I haven't been able to confirm any physical changes yet.

Started going to gym again, for the summer. A friend asked me to go with him, but I thought I wouldn't make it so early. I got the impression that he still wanted to go early. It somehow happened that I got transport back to town, so I arrived by 7 PM (had said that maybe at 7, but more likely at 8 PM). Anyway, he arrived at 8. I finished and went out. Waited for him for about 1.5 hours, since then we would have a long and inspiring chat afterwards. Used the time for concentration practice, sort of. At first I focused on the trees, birds, wind, people, cars. Then I found it more exciting to peek at the silence or emptiness throughout everything. No matter how busy the street was, how many birds were circling around, chirping .. this silence was always there and it felt powerful. Couldn't maintain focus on it for long, though .. too many thoughts.

Anyway, he said that anyone who would've seen me waiting there, would now probably be convinced I'm retarded. Well, I've noticed that it's difficult to explain the point to a random person, as they only see meaning in purely physical actions.

Oh, right, waited for a bus for about an hour in the morning too. Really enjoyed it, as the weather was simply gorgeous.

For me, the point in waiting is that it's one of those moments when I have nothing to do except spiritual practice. At first there are barely any moments like that. But the more I integrate it into my everyday life (add at least 30 min margin to everything), the easier it becomes to do it in dreaming. From previous experience, I know that this eventually transforms dreams into constant awareness, constant meditation, basically.

There has been some sort of a power that flatters the ego, recently. I've put forth effort in overcoming the cockiness while preserving the power.