I'm not a surgeon

Said "should go to sleep"to Hyena, via Skype last night. Right when I said it, the lamp in his bedroom turned off on its own.

Relaxed the body before falling asleep. Also took off the shields on the skull. Felt something unhealthy drip down through the nostrils. Woke up tired, with a mild headache.

A few days ago, received the new charger for the laptop. Got a new battery for the laptop today. Plugged it in .. nothing. Knew that the power button had given up. Sighed and went to the lab where I was headed anyway. Looked at those tiny wires under a microscope and thought I could barely spot some defects through the isolation.

Looked at it, thinking how I would go about cutting those wires and re-soldering them. Suddenly, the whole laptop fell under the table. Fuck. Never before have I managed to drop a computer from such a height, without any protection. Felt bad about it, with adrenalin rushing throughout the body .. is it still alive? For how long does the hard-drive last now that it has been smashed to the floor like that?

Found the power button completely ripped off .. it had flown quite a distance from the laptop. No longer had to worry about how to cut the wires and resolder them. Took a scalpel and filleted glue off the contacts. Soldered it back. Worked. Stuffed it back and pumped it full of some random superglue so that it wouldn't fall off every minute or two.

Is this it?

When I focus on it, that addictive wheel of karma seems to be a mix of the following:

• a pile of sadness
• a feeling of not being worthy of something, but what's it worth to be worthy anyway
• an urge to be alone and meditate in a remote area for a long time
• freedom from the restrictions applied by the society
• detachment from worldly desires

Definitely an interesting bunch, because no matter what I do, it can still be interpreted as a weakness (whether it be becoming a hermit or living in the communities).

So, I guess I would need to live both, or at least acquire experience of both (can source from past lives or the current lives of others, too). No, actually, living both at the same time seems even better. I'm sure I've gotten to experience both, but not both simultaneously yet. This way there's no loss nor win.

There's one way I know this can be done. From 800 and self-hatred to 700 - A beautiful mix. And I can't do it by trying to remember it from the past. Over-emphasizing the past spins another infinite wheel of karma.

What is it?

Yesterday morning, there was an exam that I knew would go wrong. A few days before the exam, a choice popped up in my mind: whether to have a normal exam, skipping the educational value or to have it turn out as a real killer .. which would prove the current school system outdated. Agreed that I wouldn't care about my grades and a failure for a greater purpose is totally worth it.

Haven't seen such an exam yet. Would've been impossible for me to do it all on time. Still, it had its effect on me. Ego and consciousness got withdrawn. It's been a long while, since there's been such a concentration of consciousness in the body. Everything seems so much easier when the consciousness is not smeared all over the place (within a lot of objects and people). Pk and geisting leaped a lot, every other thought. Practised the feeling of levitation and got the feeling of a coherent body pretty much without effort.

Sent a facebook friend request to Michael Grubb. My friend Hyena has been recommending a lot of posts and I haven't been able to read them. Knowing, just how inactive I am on facebook, I found this post:

Got rid of some un-needed weight.

The way I look at it, if you're on my friend's list, but NEVER communicate...then its just as good as if you were never on my friend's list to begin with.

Friends are people that I interact with and have contact with on a semi-regular basis. That may not be the way that others look at it, but, it certainly is the way that I do. Having tons of numbers of inactive friends means virtually nothing to me.

Well .. and then Hyena mentions how he had told Grubb to accept my friend request and stuff. WTF? A lot of posts with the same content have been popping up now. Old friends commenting that their number of friends has exceeded 2^8 so that they need to start removing them, etc.

Love and respect to Michael Grubb, Hyena, psychokinesis activeboard and mankind in general. If any of them would need some air to breathe, I would be the first one to volunteer to go away, because I know I can live without it.

Sometimes it hurts to see, what people have to go through, in order for me to get what I want. Blablablab .. continues on April 13th, here. Amazingly addictive wheel of karma .. what is this.

On another note, while browsing facebook .. sigh .., I suddenly found consciousness out of body (spanning from the body to the right of it). Within perhaps 10 seconds, consciousness slid through the body and to its left. Then gradually concentrated into the body again.

That's one of the most intense and the longest of these glitches, so far.

Disintegration of reality

Meditated in front of the mirror yesterday. For a moment, awareness of the mind degraded and it felt as if the wobbly and unstable reality would disintegrate, if I managed to go a little deeper. Cool.. though, the excitement got me.


Have been sleeping a lot, recently. Slept listening to this, last night:

A lot of thanks to Hyena, who shared it with me.

Dreams have been rather boring lately. Shooting and stuff. Perhaps too much studying while listening to trailer music?

Also, rather often I've felt heat radiating upwards from the lower body.

That's a lot of cookies

Hmm .. thought it would be nice if I could manifest some pastries in the oven or something. Well, we had brought some cookies and stuff from the store, earlier today.

Then, in the evening, after a pack of cookies had been depleted, father found a 3 kg box of cookies on the fridge.

A couple of hours later, sister comes into the room, saying she bought cookies as well. Cool .. love cookies =D.

Another visit

Read the following note by Michael Grubb yesterday:

Satan, or, the Personality Otherwise Known As, “The Machine.”

Focused more on the feeling of unconditional love towards everything again. At the moment, I feel a bit tensed up again, though.

An evening discussion with the extrasensory girl from India. While moving furniture around, she had found a photo of the father of the girl who had rented the flat before. She had me open up the envelope and take out the photo, to show it to the rest of us. The photo had adhesive goo (or whatever it's called) on it and didn't want to come out of the envelope. Really had a hard time trying to extract it without damaging the envelope too much. Put the envelope back on the fridge, away from her bedroom.

The man on the photo looked nice and calm. No bad intentions whatsoever. Love, care and respect only. She said it wouldn't matter, because in their belief system, it's the way one dies that's important (this man had died in a car accident). Father and I: "Why? That would not be logical in any way, so, why believe in something that doesn't really make any sense.."

The way we saw this ghost .. the man tried to help her, but there might've been a misinterpretation due to beliefs.

Discussed tantra and I realized that's not my path. After reading the aforementioned Grubb's article, I've started to question yoga even more. It seems logical that if most of the religions have been designed on traps, then the same would go for yoga (which is rapidly increasing in popularity, recently). Like Grubb always points out, how important are love and respect, which is always the key (andreidionisie is correct). For a long time, there has been this problem of not feeling this love directly. That is, just having a memory of what it felt like. The memory can be used to recover the real thing, but that's still pretty much the same as being dependent on yoga.

We went outside. Met an interesting person .. researching the devil in Estonian folklore .. at least, until he's satisfied with his career and can devote more to his interest in psychic powers and other paranormal phenomena. Described some of my experiments and shared contacts.

While discussing world politics with dad, I suddenly saw a white flash of light reflect from the wall (we have a plastic film painting there, with a shiny surface). Found that peculiar. Earlier today, I thought I saw through the surface of a gaming mouse (blue LEDs through the black matte plastic).

Spreading and merging at the same time

It's confirmed that it was dust. After taking one of the air purifiers into this room, I immediately started feeling better.

Perhaps it wasn't that good of an idea to meditate next to one of those, a few days ago. Well, it did feel different .. saw everything become warm red, felt some sort of a slight tingling sensation move around. Felt tired after that session.

Yesterday, there was a lot of chat on interesting subjects. Eh, was it yesterday? Anyway, an officer popped up, whom I had met in service. He's a strong psion since birth, but afraid of this stuff. At the same time, another old friend shared some wisdom from Michael Grubb.

Awesome, the number of psions and the number of people seeking enlightenment seems to be increasing exponentially.