I suspect that the air at home is too dry and that is causing issues
(eyes and mouth drying up, sweating during the night, etc.).
Yesterday pretty much everything I said, ended up wrong. The repetitive ego slaps inspired me to practice detachment again.
At work, I noticed one of the lights flickering occasionally. Sigh, I do hope I won't blow the lights again.
Monday, October 14, 2019
Sunday, October 13, 2019
Rowing in the dark
Analyzed my thoughts and impulsive behavior last night. I like to think that I got some sleep too.
Figured that there probably is no shortcut, and the answer to depression would still remain to be social interaction. The problem is that right now I don't have the time for being a full-time psychologist for depressed people.
While on my way back home, I watched The Girl on the Train (NSFW), which seemed to hint that I should mind my own problems and stay away from those of others. Healthier for both me and others.
Considered leaving the Discord server again but I'm not sure how it would affect the people there. Will try to focus a bit more on hobbies.
It was pitch black darkness and 3 people were on a small boat, headed towards the middle of a lake. Two guys and a girl, I think. All of them were somewhat afraid of the dark. The girl was at the stern, using oars to row the boat slowly and quietly.
One of the guys had one spot on the lake where he had to do something (measure something, remove fishnets or whatever) and the other guy had another spot where he had to do the same. After reaching the farthest spot, the boat started rowing back towards the shore, and stopped at the other spot.
There was something which had been bothering one of the guys but he kept quiet until both of them had finished with their work and they were close enough to the shore. It might have been dangerous or something to make too much noise while on the lake, don't know. Anyway, the guy spit out his problem and they both got into an argument.
It was all fine until they suddenly stopped arguing. It was then that the girl freaked out and the dream ended.
Figured that there probably is no shortcut, and the answer to depression would still remain to be social interaction. The problem is that right now I don't have the time for being a full-time psychologist for depressed people.
While on my way back home, I watched The Girl on the Train (NSFW), which seemed to hint that I should mind my own problems and stay away from those of others. Healthier for both me and others.
Considered leaving the Discord server again but I'm not sure how it would affect the people there. Will try to focus a bit more on hobbies.
Rather symbolic dream
It was pitch black darkness and 3 people were on a small boat, headed towards the middle of a lake. Two guys and a girl, I think. All of them were somewhat afraid of the dark. The girl was at the stern, using oars to row the boat slowly and quietly.
One of the guys had one spot on the lake where he had to do something (measure something, remove fishnets or whatever) and the other guy had another spot where he had to do the same. After reaching the farthest spot, the boat started rowing back towards the shore, and stopped at the other spot.
There was something which had been bothering one of the guys but he kept quiet until both of them had finished with their work and they were close enough to the shore. It might have been dangerous or something to make too much noise while on the lake, don't know. Anyway, the guy spit out his problem and they both got into an argument.
It was all fine until they suddenly stopped arguing. It was then that the girl freaked out and the dream ended.
Saturday, October 12, 2019
Wind
A Latvian acquaintance on Facebook shared a gif of wind blowing away a bar umbrella with weights and a person. Shared it on the Discord server. Uhm, he's actually shared another one.
https://giphy.com/gifs/mars-sbj-Pk3J7R114dL9GJ9UEC
https://giphy.com/gifs/combined-gifs-9MJ5ozdayMWT7QuA19
Then it occurred to me that it was synchronicity, for I almost ended up being blown away by the side-winds on the ship deck. The wind raised suddenly, and I wouldn't have thought it would become this strong. With my backpack full of stuff, the wind was pushing me around the deck as if I weighed nothing. While the wind was towards the center of the ship, the walls reflected the wind which caused turbulence such that the wind pushed me in different directions depending on where I was at. Sometimes towards the railing, sometimes in parallel to it. Kneeled down to reduce my surface area, and crawled for cover while keeping a grip of the railing. Regardless, even while kneeling, I slid around in places.
Must have been either a facepalm or amusing watch from the crew. Anyway, made it back to safety and checked the weather report. The maximum side-wind should have been 12.5 m / s, only for a very short period of time. Don't know but it felt like a lot more.
Enjoyed a walk from the campus to the ship terminal, which was probably about 7 km. Later enjoyed a walk from the other terminal back home, which was probably about 2 km.
Ever since I started dealing with that wax cube (clicky, clicky), I have been feeling a buzzing on top of the heart. Previously I have noticed a connection between such buzzing and the body healing itself. In terms of frequency, it's rather similar to a cat purring.
Had tried a new method to keep people off suicide. I gave them homework - to write an analysis to prove that suicide would solve their problems (with emphasis on bringing out the assumptions also). It didn't seem to have worked, but it might also be that I simply wasn't patient enough (waited for the analysis for about 2 days).
Anyway, bashed into the feels, spoiling the homework by revealing the reason for it, as well as some of the aspects which I would have expected for them to account for in the analysis.
Realized why the homework method wouldn't really work, either. I guess they hate the thought of suicide, but in all self-hatred, they might eventually do it anyway. And if they did, they would be completely unprepared. Mid-way through, they would realize their mistake but it would be already too late. This homework, however, would force them to think about and analyze something which they hate. They would simply postpone it forever instead of thinking about it even briefly.
Since I know I cannot help another person directly, this was my attempt at delegating the job to themselves without them knowing it at first. While self-analysis has helped me a lot, it is something which normal people would try to avoid at any cost (including suicide).
https://giphy.com/gifs/mars-sbj-Pk3J7R114dL9GJ9UEC
https://giphy.com/gifs/combined-gifs-9MJ5ozdayMWT7QuA19
Then it occurred to me that it was synchronicity, for I almost ended up being blown away by the side-winds on the ship deck. The wind raised suddenly, and I wouldn't have thought it would become this strong. With my backpack full of stuff, the wind was pushing me around the deck as if I weighed nothing. While the wind was towards the center of the ship, the walls reflected the wind which caused turbulence such that the wind pushed me in different directions depending on where I was at. Sometimes towards the railing, sometimes in parallel to it. Kneeled down to reduce my surface area, and crawled for cover while keeping a grip of the railing. Regardless, even while kneeling, I slid around in places.
Must have been either a facepalm or amusing watch from the crew. Anyway, made it back to safety and checked the weather report. The maximum side-wind should have been 12.5 m / s, only for a very short period of time. Don't know but it felt like a lot more.
Walk
Enjoyed a walk from the campus to the ship terminal, which was probably about 7 km. Later enjoyed a walk from the other terminal back home, which was probably about 2 km.
Healing vibration
Ever since I started dealing with that wax cube (clicky, clicky), I have been feeling a buzzing on top of the heart. Previously I have noticed a connection between such buzzing and the body healing itself. In terms of frequency, it's rather similar to a cat purring.
Impulsive behaviour
Had tried a new method to keep people off suicide. I gave them homework - to write an analysis to prove that suicide would solve their problems (with emphasis on bringing out the assumptions also). It didn't seem to have worked, but it might also be that I simply wasn't patient enough (waited for the analysis for about 2 days).
Anyway, bashed into the feels, spoiling the homework by revealing the reason for it, as well as some of the aspects which I would have expected for them to account for in the analysis.
Realized why the homework method wouldn't really work, either. I guess they hate the thought of suicide, but in all self-hatred, they might eventually do it anyway. And if they did, they would be completely unprepared. Mid-way through, they would realize their mistake but it would be already too late. This homework, however, would force them to think about and analyze something which they hate. They would simply postpone it forever instead of thinking about it even briefly.
Since I know I cannot help another person directly, this was my attempt at delegating the job to themselves without them knowing it at first. While self-analysis has helped me a lot, it is something which normal people would try to avoid at any cost (including suicide).
Friday, October 11, 2019
Thought
Forgot to mention in my previous post that yesterday I arrived early and waited for the AirBnb host. At some moment, I thought it would be neat if she called me. Just when I produced that thought, I got an SMS from her.
Just a post
with some random stuff before I forget them. Just for the record, the post is from Finland.
I think it was at the end of last week that I thought I was too late for the bus to work which I have usually taken (departs at 7:50). I think I started at around 7:34 but I decided to take a walk anyway because the next bus (departing at 8:20) would also be fine (just wouldn't leave a margin). Considering that I have managed to cover the distance in about 25 - 35 min, there was plenty of time for the 8:20 bus. Due to this, I did not hurry. Once I reached the bus station, I still saw the 7:50 bus. Checked the time, it was 7:50. Then some guy went past me, running for the bus. If he hadn't, then I wouldn't have chosen to bother the bus driver because of me being late. Anyway, got on the bus and then started to wonder how it was possible that I had suddenly made my record (16 min) without even trying. My previous record was 21 min and then I was walking as fast as I could. Throughout the walk I was in my thoughts and didn't notice anything out of the ordinary.
On Wednesday night, I had trouble sleeping again. Woke up during the night to wash the blanket with tears and apply eye drops. I really enjoyed the days when I didn't have to do that. Might be that the air is too dry.
Anyway, drank some water and went back to bed. Had an LD or OBE where I was walking past some houses with all sorts of fences. I figured I was lightweight enough to walk on top of the fence. Jumped there, and practiced lightstepping to avoid any damage the fence. It was a lovely morning and the weather was nice and sunny. In the yard of one of the houses, there were people chatting .. though, I was probably unnoticeable / invisible enough.
Sometimes there were low-hanging tree branches on top of the fence, so I shrunk myself to fit underneath.
Reached a place with some trees, flew up and touched the branches and leaves. It was awesome, I could feel them roughly the same way as I did with the physical body. Simply the dimensions of my arm / hand were now arbitrary and defined by visualization.
Not sure whether this was an OBE because I did not have 360 deg vision (it was closer to how I see with the body) but then again, I never really tried to have wider FoV. While I did have a form, it was not very underdefined and I couldn't see myself. The environment was very vivid and detailed.
Instead of actively trying to "help" (in other words, "make things worse"), I sometimes simply visualized sitting next to him. No words, no intent, just sitting. The visualization was not very concentrated but I hope it helped at least a little.
At some point I could no longer feel his presence, but it reappeared again in the evening. Since then I've had the feeling that I cannot do any more.
While thinking about it, my aunt called. She's obviously a bit depressed due to the lack of social interaction. She needs to chat all the time but since moving to a different farm, she has been rather lonely. Anyway, discussed the psychology of depression with her, too.
Speedwalking
I think it was at the end of last week that I thought I was too late for the bus to work which I have usually taken (departs at 7:50). I think I started at around 7:34 but I decided to take a walk anyway because the next bus (departing at 8:20) would also be fine (just wouldn't leave a margin). Considering that I have managed to cover the distance in about 25 - 35 min, there was plenty of time for the 8:20 bus. Due to this, I did not hurry. Once I reached the bus station, I still saw the 7:50 bus. Checked the time, it was 7:50. Then some guy went past me, running for the bus. If he hadn't, then I wouldn't have chosen to bother the bus driver because of me being late. Anyway, got on the bus and then started to wonder how it was possible that I had suddenly made my record (16 min) without even trying. My previous record was 21 min and then I was walking as fast as I could. Throughout the walk I was in my thoughts and didn't notice anything out of the ordinary.
Lightstepping
On Wednesday night, I had trouble sleeping again. Woke up during the night to wash the blanket with tears and apply eye drops. I really enjoyed the days when I didn't have to do that. Might be that the air is too dry.
Anyway, drank some water and went back to bed. Had an LD or OBE where I was walking past some houses with all sorts of fences. I figured I was lightweight enough to walk on top of the fence. Jumped there, and practiced lightstepping to avoid any damage the fence. It was a lovely morning and the weather was nice and sunny. In the yard of one of the houses, there were people chatting .. though, I was probably unnoticeable / invisible enough.
Sometimes there were low-hanging tree branches on top of the fence, so I shrunk myself to fit underneath.
Reached a place with some trees, flew up and touched the branches and leaves. It was awesome, I could feel them roughly the same way as I did with the physical body. Simply the dimensions of my arm / hand were now arbitrary and defined by visualization.
Not sure whether this was an OBE because I did not have 360 deg vision (it was closer to how I see with the body) but then again, I never really tried to have wider FoV. While I did have a form, it was not very underdefined and I couldn't see myself. The environment was very vivid and detailed.
Another suicidal on Discord
Instead of actively trying to "help" (in other words, "make things worse"), I sometimes simply visualized sitting next to him. No words, no intent, just sitting. The visualization was not very concentrated but I hope it helped at least a little.
At some point I could no longer feel his presence, but it reappeared again in the evening. Since then I've had the feeling that I cannot do any more.
While thinking about it, my aunt called. She's obviously a bit depressed due to the lack of social interaction. She needs to chat all the time but since moving to a different farm, she has been rather lonely. Anyway, discussed the psychology of depression with her, too.
Sunday, October 6, 2019
Akira manga
I owe it to Mr. Hoodie again, for he reminded me that I hadn't read Akira manga yet. It's simply Awesome.
I guess I'm getting better, for I felt alive and happy again and inspired to do things while reading the manga yesterday. It also re-sparked an interest in psychokinesis. There are still plenty of phenomena which I did not have the time to explore last time =). There's still levitation, teleportation, phasing, manipulating space-time, creating matter, etc.
Had the familiar symbolism of gas flame in the dreams. On reflex my rational mind tells me to extinguish the fire. While useful in the waking state, it is somewhat unfortunate while dreaming.
I guess I'm getting better, for I felt alive and happy again and inspired to do things while reading the manga yesterday. It also re-sparked an interest in psychokinesis. There are still plenty of phenomena which I did not have the time to explore last time =). There's still levitation, teleportation, phasing, manipulating space-time, creating matter, etc.
Had the familiar symbolism of gas flame in the dreams. On reflex my rational mind tells me to extinguish the fire. While useful in the waking state, it is somewhat unfortunate while dreaming.
Friday, October 4, 2019
Enclosed space
After visualizing unconditional love and warmth around the heart chakra, got sick again. Soaked the sheets with a lot of sweat and had to make tea a few times during the night. This seems to indicate that there is indeed truth to "pain is just weakness leaving the body".
Anyway, went to work in the morning. Was a bit tired and slept while at work. While waiting in the queue at the canteen, I realized something.
Yesterday evening a colleague "asked" an interesting question. Or rather, he wondered if any psychologists had analyzed what would happen if a person met themselves on the street.
I thought that probably I would not get into a fight, but it would be a nasty experience. I then had to justify my opinion.
When two people work together / or just spend time together, they have to attenuate some of the personality traits. Only then would they be able to work together and complement each other. Now if the two people go separate ways, one would start to compensate for the lack of the other. This boosts personal development by enhancing personality traits which were otherwise lacking.
However, if I were to meet myself, then both me's would have the same traits. In order to spend time together or to work on a project together, both of us would need to suppress a lot of our traits and in the end neither of us would learn anything new.
Let's take a person from the previously mentioned Discord server of depressed people. Chances are very high that the person would be suffering from depression, lack of self-esteem and hatred / hostility against themselves. Some try to compensate for the lack of self-esteem with arrogance, some look for relationships in the hopes that these would somehow magically save them.
As Gruber and EX3US from the same Discord server independently pointed out, it's isolation which causes depression. It could be a narrow field of interest such as Anime & Manga or psychokinesis, as Gruber pointed out. EX3US even emphasized that at least to some extent, the isolation is a conscious decision. People choose not to participate in social events which do not seem interesting enough. Soon after, they may notice that they are having less and less friends, and so on.
Let's now take mankind as a whole. Mankind has hatred, hostility against itself (all the wars and the "brilliant" ideas to cut down on population). Mankind is arrogant (only life-form in the universe), which might be an indication of low self-esteem (so insignificant in the vast cosmos). Maybe mankind also suffers from depression (we are a lost cause ruining our own planet and the space around it for selfish reasons)?
Hereby I assume that people compensate for what they have lost. If we take a person and isolate them from the society, perhaps we can obtain a good guesstimate at what mankind as a whole is like?
I found this to be mind-blowing. But then I started to wonder if this had any connection to the "microcosm" thingie, which I've heard about a lot but it has never really made much sense. If the universe is holographic (take a small piece and it reflects the whole thing), then what would we get if we separated a small piece of space-time?
If the underlying structure of the universe were the fabric of consciousness, then the same logic should apply to both people as well as the universe? Would the separated / enclosed piece of space-time evolve to become an independent universe? Are particles like bubbles of foam in space-time?
What is it that could be used to separate space-time? Would it be something akin to the dark veil? Is the golden fog merely dense consciousness, and the dark fog a thin consciousness? If so, then it should also be possible to have enclosed realms which could be completely cloaked?
A lot of interesting thoughts and follow-up questions. Would be interesting to test the hypothesis that by enclosing a piece of space-time, it would become a universe in itself.
Anyway, went to work in the morning. Was a bit tired and slept while at work. While waiting in the queue at the canteen, I realized something.
Psychology of meeting oneself
Yesterday evening a colleague "asked" an interesting question. Or rather, he wondered if any psychologists had analyzed what would happen if a person met themselves on the street.
I thought that probably I would not get into a fight, but it would be a nasty experience. I then had to justify my opinion.
When two people work together / or just spend time together, they have to attenuate some of the personality traits. Only then would they be able to work together and complement each other. Now if the two people go separate ways, one would start to compensate for the lack of the other. This boosts personal development by enhancing personality traits which were otherwise lacking.
However, if I were to meet myself, then both me's would have the same traits. In order to spend time together or to work on a project together, both of us would need to suppress a lot of our traits and in the end neither of us would learn anything new.
Thought monologue of philosophy at the canteen
Let's take a person from the previously mentioned Discord server of depressed people. Chances are very high that the person would be suffering from depression, lack of self-esteem and hatred / hostility against themselves. Some try to compensate for the lack of self-esteem with arrogance, some look for relationships in the hopes that these would somehow magically save them.
As Gruber and EX3US from the same Discord server independently pointed out, it's isolation which causes depression. It could be a narrow field of interest such as Anime & Manga or psychokinesis, as Gruber pointed out. EX3US even emphasized that at least to some extent, the isolation is a conscious decision. People choose not to participate in social events which do not seem interesting enough. Soon after, they may notice that they are having less and less friends, and so on.
Let's now take mankind as a whole. Mankind has hatred, hostility against itself (all the wars and the "brilliant" ideas to cut down on population). Mankind is arrogant (only life-form in the universe), which might be an indication of low self-esteem (so insignificant in the vast cosmos). Maybe mankind also suffers from depression (we are a lost cause ruining our own planet and the space around it for selfish reasons)?
Hereby I assume that people compensate for what they have lost. If we take a person and isolate them from the society, perhaps we can obtain a good guesstimate at what mankind as a whole is like?
I found this to be mind-blowing. But then I started to wonder if this had any connection to the "microcosm" thingie, which I've heard about a lot but it has never really made much sense. If the universe is holographic (take a small piece and it reflects the whole thing), then what would we get if we separated a small piece of space-time?
If the underlying structure of the universe were the fabric of consciousness, then the same logic should apply to both people as well as the universe? Would the separated / enclosed piece of space-time evolve to become an independent universe? Are particles like bubbles of foam in space-time?
What is it that could be used to separate space-time? Would it be something akin to the dark veil? Is the golden fog merely dense consciousness, and the dark fog a thin consciousness? If so, then it should also be possible to have enclosed realms which could be completely cloaked?
A lot of interesting thoughts and follow-up questions. Would be interesting to test the hypothesis that by enclosing a piece of space-time, it would become a universe in itself.
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