The Sin

Dear Diary,

Today I sinned.

For a while, I had been having a thought which I tried not to finish. Eventually I decided to let the thought finish without cutting it off all the time. The moment it was born, I felt a significant change in energy and saw a shadow dart across the road from my left to my right. It seemed as if the shadow had tried to get the energy, and once it finally got it, it fled with it.

I hope that the damage which I did with it, can somehow be reversed or healed.

Edit: Also worth noting that I had watched xxxHOLiC episode 14 recently. This was about waves, and the power of words.

Other

Video of grandma

Today morning I had a dream where someone showed me a family video which I was not aware of. I had not checked up on what grandma had been up to, in the meantime.

In the video she was happy about being reborn and the wonders of a fully functional body. Since her death, we had become quite distant, due to which some of the video was missing sound. I had to focus on her, to hear what she was saying. Her mouth moved but I couldn't hear it. Seeing her happy made me glad, though.

Bonfire

On Saturday night, me and friends went to the woods and had a chat around a bonfire. At some point one of them said he once tried moving a box of matchsticks with his mind, for 3 hours, and that it didn't work. While he was telling this, three pieces of glowing coal flew on him and we tried wiping these off as quickly as we could. That night it happened a couple of more times but I found the timing a bit peculiar.

Hugs

I think it might've been about 2 weeks ago before sleep that I visualized hugging someone, and started to sense parfume. Manifesting smells has not happened that often recently, however, the details and vividness of visualization seem to have improved significantly in the past few years.

The third path

It has been a while.

In the meantime I've mostly focused on the third path, which I labelled as "friends and family". This is because since about 2018 or so, I suddenly found myself extremely lacking in that regard.

For re-learning how to friend, I estimated a few years. I think a few years it probably took, too. While I think I learned what I set out to learn: how to find (online) friends with very different background, personality and interests, and how to interact with them, how to notice when they need support and how to support them. There is still a lot for me to learn, though.

I also learned a lot about how to family. At some point I thought I had lost my sister. Luckily she's back, but for me and for the rest of the family that was quite difficult and mentally taxing.

Buying gf

Then, finally, I tried to find a girlfriend. Ever since grandpa's death it had been bothering me a lot. Whenever I looked around, everyone were walking in couples, most old friends and classmates, coursemates were posting photos of spending quality time with their significant others and their kids. Even my cousins whom I saw grow up, have their significant others and some are married.

Obviously I was lacking in something / there was something wrong with me that this had not happened to me yet. So, I asked myself what it was that everyone else had but I had not, and tried to learn and improve myself in those aspects. I estimated that it would probably take me 10 years to catch up. Once I inserted my age into the equation, I sort of panicked and decided that I'd need to speed up the process significantly, somehow.

I figured that I had quite strict standards for myself, and that regardless of thinking I was not applying the same standards on others, I actually was, just without realizing it. So I tried letting go of my self-standards. That was hard, and I felt very lost after that.

Within the time frame, I think there were about 6-7 who seemed interested in me. Out of them, I think 4 sort-of confessed. Half of them were underage (also, what's up with women hiding their age or lying about it online?), and the other half were one-sided (I did not really have feelings). In one of the cases I thought maybe the one-sidedness was temporary and that eventually I might develop feelings. Well, nope. I realized that if I did not have any interest or feelings from the start, then that would not change over time. If I did have at least some interest from the start, then feelings could develop but it might take a rather long time (years) for me.

Within that same time frame, I think I went through about 100 and had a crush on about 20 (way too many, I thought, and felt bad about it). I think I confessed to maybe half of them, for I thought it's a good idea to be open about my feelings, especially when I suspected it might be influencing my thinking and behaviour. All of these crushes were one-sided. The other end was usually either taken or they just said they enjoyed chatting with me. In some cases, that was clearly just out of an attempt to be nice (some ignored my messages and did not really show much interest in what I shared).

I found it very interesting that towards each crush the feelings were different. With one I felt I would feel very comfortable. In the case of another one I felt as if I could forgive her anything. Usually it was the way they interacted, and the way they treated other people which caught my attention. Usually it did not matter if I had seen any pictures of them or not, whereas some crushes only formed after seeing pictures or videos of them. After learning that the feelings were not mutual, overcoming the crushes usually took a week or two of suffering for me. With most of them I could still remain friends afterwards.

One case was a bit different. In May I found a piece of paper sticking out from the bottom of my drawer at home. That was the first time something like that had happened to me. Pulled it out and read it. It was a list of characteristics which I had written up many years ago about what I thought my future girlfriend should be like. I giggled and put the paper back into the drawer. The next day I went on a canoe hike with people most of whom I did not know. On that hike I could not sleep, as I let the list bother me throughout the night. Why now? Who might it refer to?

For a couple of weeks, the chats with a friend had magically revived after months of silence. At that point it had been a year and a half since we had started chatting. Was it her? As I continued chatting with her later, it seemed that everything which I had had on that list, matched. Not only that, but also the things which I had thought of but had not dared to write down (fearing I might be too picky), these also matched. For certain she was also interested in me, I thought, for why else would she be texting throughout the night in her time zone. For me it was somewhat overwhelming at times. Also interesting how there seemed to be similarities but also symmetries in our lives. At first I had a crush, and just when I thought I had gotten over it, I fell for her more than I have for anyone else thus far. Confessed and learned that it was one-sided. I got depressed, then she got depressed. Since then she barely responds to any messages. Anyway, from this I learned that no matter how compatible one might seem, and even if strange things happen which indicate that they should be the right one, it does not mean anything.

Before that happened, there had been a similar case where someone fell for me but I did not have any feelings. I had just chatted with her because she seemed sad or depressed and needed someone to talk to. There were a lot of odd synchronicities / coincidences with her. It turned out that she lived basically just a block away from the place I was staying, and her summerhouse was also close to the place which I was cleaning of litter. Anyway, apparently those synchronicities and coincidences meant nothing.

Interesting. Now that I think about it, two of the girls who fell for me, had been renovating their place or were moving out, and had car licenses. I haven't wrapped up with the car license nor renovating the apartment, let alone moving anywhere. All of these are taking forever, because I always think there are more important things which need doing.

On another note, one of the reasons why I've preferred to be somewhat open about my feelings (confess a lot) is because even 10+ years later I still had not confessed to my second crush and it had made me feel quite bad. Eventually I did, and she just ignored it. So, I had worried way too much about it. However, right after I confessed to my 3rd crush, she quit her job and left the town. Back then I did not understand why that was necessary. However, it seems that it's very common (and probably quite effective) method to ensure there's enough distance to let feelings cool off. It is possible that several friends who have suddenly left and unfriended, may have done so to distance from me. Usually I assumed that I must have offended them in some way or other for them to do that.

Anyway, at some point I learned that sometimes one might feel disgusted if someone confesses their feelings to them. Or it might make them feel afraid (which used to be the case for me a while back). This had me reconsider being that open about my feelings in the future. Even though I used to think that was the main reason why I kept missing my chances for all these years - I had not dared to be open about feelings.

This whole thing feels like the most difficult of anything which I've done thus far in life. With other things there's usually some progress or improvement when I put effort in. In love-stuff it seems it doesn't really matter how hard I try, it seems as if it were not for me. I would always feel that I would find someone "soon", random people would say to me that they see me finding someone "soon", I would read about it from horoscopes, etc. but still years go by and nothing changes. It boggles my mind how love seems so much more difficult than psychokinesis (which is supposed to be impossible) but still most people in the world are so good at love-stuff. Maybe sometime in the future I might try Tinder or something. Though, I doubt that would make it any easier to find the right one. So, I decided to accept defeat again, take a step back and for now focus more again on the other two paths in my life: spiritualism and technology.

Kitchen pipes

While walking towards the bus station with mom, we chatted about renovating the apartment. I said that we ought to prioritize the kitchen, too. But then again, who knows when the sewage pipes would need to be replaced ... so probably shouldn't cover up the pipes yet.

We get home and find a puddle of dark and rusty water on the kitchen floor. We clean it up, I inspect the pipes and their surroundings. Anyway, I wash my hands and look down again, just in time to marvel at the little fountain from the sewage pipes. :)

I burst out laughing.

Months earlier there had been an apartment block management meeting (or however those are supposed to be called) and the main topic of discussion was the replacement of those pipes. The problem was that due to the pandemic, none of the companies were willing to take contracts, unless there was an emergency. In the case of an emergency, the costs would be a lot higher but at least it would get done.

Minor compilation of weird

It's been a while, and there have been a few glitches, in the meantime.

One day I found that the cat had missed the litter box and left a mummy against the wall. I looked at it, and thought that was going to leave a stain which might be tough to clean. I picked the mummy, looked at the stain, and left for the bathroom to take a piece of cloth and cleaning agent. When I returned, the stain had vanished. Maybe the cat cleaned it?

While I was using the broom today morning, Mom said that one day the attachment clamp (or however it ought to be called) on the broomstick had been broken. The next day it was unbroken again. She had thought maybe I had fixed it somehow. I looked at it, and it looked as good as new. I don't think I could've reliably fixed broken plastic, though.

Almost each time I felt a bit sad and sat down to meditate for a bit, a gap appeared in the clouds and the sun started to shine on my face.

On Thursday we had a lengthy work meeting at a campfire place with gorgeous scenery. Targeted a dandelion for photos. Visualized and intended the lighting to make it glow nicely. It was surprisingly responsive. Later decided to take photos of a road on a slope ... and then a colleague happened to walk down the road and pass by. Loved a couple of the photos. The lighting made it look powerful.

Energy intensity has been a bit tricky to control recently. Mood swings.

Sometimes I've felt someone being "dark" or sometimes I've seen something surrounding or around someone. Discussed the matter with Mom today, and she thought it might be karmic constructs from their past life. This could be why some perfectly normal people scare others with their presence, etc.

Letting go

A curious dream, a realization and a couple of observations.

Dream: Visitors

Last week I had a dream where I spent the night playing video games and stuff. For some reason, there were a couple of members from LC (one of the Discord servers) in my room and I felt uneasy about it. I asked them to state their purpose but it seemed that they were "zombies" (asleep or not conscious about it). They themselves probably also wouldn't have known why they were there.

Realization: Procrastination

Had a long discussion about my problems with mom. By the next morning I had realized a potential cause for the problems. Back in about 2011 I had fallen for a girl but I never told her that (hesitated) and eventually I sort of forgot about it but it had still been bothering me ever since.

So I decided to try and see if telling her about it now would help me overcome the problem with the left eye and me being unhappy with myself. We were sort of friends but after I described my issue, she stopped responding. I did suspect that this might happen.

Though, I think I managed to forgive myself and I started feeling better. While I think it's too early to say anything for certain about the left eye, I did notice that it behaved in an interesting way. Previously it used to dry up every now and then. Today the eye sometimes just became wet without any pain.

Observations: Image

Recently some people on LC have been treating me a bit differently. One of them said that when I posted something, it felt like a refreshing breeze of wind from the ocean. Another one thought I had transcended or something.

I wonder if this might be related to my attempt at making my field of consciousness more "compact".

Today I was surprised at the books which the LC book club members had picked and who picked what kind of books. Several books on the spiritualism and enlightenment topics. I don't think I promoted these topics in my posts there. Ordered a couple of the books from the list.

Something obvious

Realized (insert title) again today.

Instead of crashing into what the gravity is pulling towards, it sometimes makes sense to just orbit it, instead. When too close to the golden veil, this world seems fake and meaningless. It's the same when too close to the veil of darkness. But one doesn't need to bob back and forth between the light and darkness.

I don't think I've explored the realm sideways much as of yet. There's probably a lot still to be learned just by walking the edge of the blade without leaning too much to either side. It should even be possible to gradually lean in one or the other direction ever so slightly, while maintaining full control without falling. The more used to the balance, the more I could probably tilt without losing ground. This should make it possible to use either of the influences, depending on the situation. Pretty much exactly what I had in mind with the monochrome flower or gray-robed wizard avatars / visualizations.

This would easily solve the incompatibility of the spiritual path and the other path(s). This way none of them would be in conflict with each-other and I could freely do what I've always wanted to. Now it seems strange again that something this simple only occurred to me now.

Wind

A couple of nights ago I dreamt I had a 14-hour hike with father. There was a lot of chatting on all sorts of topics (which I don't remember), and eventually we reached the destination and enjoyed a sauna.

It was quite stormy yesterday, and before falling asleep I decided to concentrate on the wind outside. There were some qualities to the wind which I had forgotten, and when I tried to apply these qualities to the body in the chest and throat area, I realized something.

Wind doesn't concern itself with the seriousness of anything. It blows around playfully, enjoying freedom, gently touching things here and there. If water symbolizes emotions, then water doesn't really have a place in the chest. Water ought to be lower. I think I've had a tendency to take the issues of the heart and throat chakras too seriously and that I've gotten too emotional about these.

In one of the dreams last night, I met Alan Watts at a bonfire. I was surprised that he was still alive (stupid, I know). Anyway, shook hands with him and continued my way.

At some point I had a hypnagogic image of intense energy within the body, applying enough pressure on it to produce cracks through which the light radiated out.

Ecstatic energy

Yesterday I had lunch at a hostel cafeteria. A colleague asked what the daily dish was, whether it was good and if the portion was large enough. I had enjoyed it, and the colleague thought of going to the same place. Today I found out that he had gone to another restaurant. He had even had the same kind of daily dish there, with a reasonable portion. Though, at that restaurant they rarely serve that kind of dishes and usually the portion has been too small for him. I was really confused, for the odds of such a coincidence seemed very unlikely.

Watched a movie via Discord yesterday evening. Tried to watch the stream from my laptop at first, but at some point I became somewhat annoyed by the repetitive sound of someone entering and leaving the channel. While the movie was smooth, my Discord kept me leaving and entering the channel ::facepalm::.

While walking home today, I felt quite a bit of ecstatic energy circulating in the body. I think it has been like 10 years since the last time I experienced something similar. Moreover, it was windy outside today, I could feel the trees around me and the wind was rather responsive.

Awkward cravings

For years, I had been looking for people who might understand me well enough such that I could talk freely about anything I wanted to. I even tried to make it as easy as I could, by openly talking about aspects which I considered to be different from those of others.

A few days ago I realized how pointless it was, and then a couple of days ago I also realized how it had caused problems. It seems that my attempts to be open have been harmful to people instead of helping anyone understand me any better. Moreover, by blabbing that much all the time, I think I've been wasting a substantial part of my breath / energy.

Thinking back on it now, I'm not sure where this craving for being understood sourced from, or why I thought it mattered to me.

Other than that, there have been some interesting synchronicities recently.

I've practised relaxing the body before sleep, and I've tried to feel more lightweight at times.

In the bathroom at work, one of the cabinets is without a light. I've been using it, for probably nobody else would. I've noticed that I've started to see better in the dark, without it having any side-effects while in full sunlight.

While meditating a bit yesterday, I saw myself in pure white. The white had a spatial distribution to it (it wasn't just a robe).

From a dream today morning, I noticed a curious detail. A group of people were discussing something, and a guy randomly mentioned the frequency of 30 MHz. It then occurred to him that I was eavesdropping, and he tried to clear the history by doing something completely random (he picked a mic and started singing).

Mission

Today I think I realized what it was that I was doing, and that it was the right thing. I had been a bit unhappy with myself because of spending that much time chatting with people on social platforms.

Today on one of the servers, someone mentioned that the suicide rate has increased considerably due to the lockdowns, and that it will probably still keep rising for a while. It clicked. I've been trying my best to support people in difficulties.

I wonder how come I've missed something this obvious.
Anyway, I think I'm somewhat more content with myself now.

Maybe it's not yet time for other stuff, and trying to force myself to do anything "more productive" as a hobby would be counter-productive, instead?

Hurricane

For the past couple of days I've mostly been hard-focused on work. Three burning deadlines simultaneously. Yesterday my eyes got tired but managed to force my way through. Today I forgot breakfast and lunch.

While the left eye has still often become uncomfortably dry during the night, I have woken without eye pain again for the past couple of days. The eye is starting to see the screen in less blur again, too.

Have been feeling quite calm at night, and have been seeing quite a bit of gold and crystals in the phase of hypnagogic imagery.

Dream: Packing for hike

Two nights ago, I prepared for the challenges of the upcoming day .. and then waited for transport for the rest of the night. Eventually an acquaintance came by and the morning alarm started ringing.

Dream: Hurricane

Last night in a dream, someone pointed out flying cars. I looked around but couldn't see anything like that. The more I wondered about it, the more it materialized. While we were already cautious due to the pandemic, now there was also a hurricane threatening the people. While it passed by quite close, it did not affect our place.

Discrimination of info

Tried relighting the heart chakra and realized some mistakes which I had made on the Discord server. Apologized, and while doing so, realized some more about myself and the issues which I've been having for a while.

Today it occurred to me that one of the reasons why I don't really fit in anywhere is a concept which most people seem to be missing. I've been using this quote from Bhagavad Gita as a signature at the psychokinesis forum for many years:

A stable-minded person will neither hug nor hate the world, he will take things as they come.

It seems that generally people only want to hear happy news. It's as if they thought that all problems would disappear if they simply ignore them. For example, a lot of people refuse to read any news regarding the Corona virus because the news would make them feel bad.

Yesterday the neighbour visited again. This time was a bit different, though, for we got to discuss things. He had the idea that a lot of problems would disappear if TV, radio, internet were to disappear. That these media were only a means of propaganda and brainwashing. I tried to explain to him that mankind wasn't ready for a global network of telepathy and empathy yet, and that the internet was simply a technological alternative for the time being. I don't think I managed to convey it in a way which he could grasp.

Quite often when people say something which makes them upset or emotional. At times like these, I would point out that they're emotional simply because they're missing some of the viewpoints. However, when I describe some other viewpoint, it probably only upsets them even more .. for they don't want to hear it. They want to stay in the bubble where only their viewpoint is correct. Me trying to correct people in order to point out the multiple facets to everything is probably what causes problems in fitting in.

Hack-a-ton

Sometimes I wonder why people are so nice to me or to things which I do, whereas I don't feel like I deserve it. This makes me feel like I owe something to them and make up for it somehow.

Business

The business hackathon was nice.

I knew that we would get accepted to the hackathon. It wasn't just a hunch, for somehow I managed to see / feel the organizers conspiring to make it happen.
Even though our company's pitch wasn't very good imho, I knew that we would get a prize. This probably had something to do with the broad reach of acquaintances, random news articles of praise and perhaps with the employees being known for their previous projects.

All in all, everything was perfect in terms of a learning experience and we got exactly what we needed. It's amazing how things can work out.

Marker

While at the hackathon, at some point I noticed that my right hand was smudged with marker. Not just smudged, but it looked as if there were three lines written on it, with the first two lines being almost readable. I thought I could read out the following:

"Ok I'll ..."
"Ok I will ..."
"..." (illegible)

I must have touched something with a fresh marker writing on it, but as I looked around, I couldn't spot anything with a marker writing on it. I have no clue where it came from or why and it didn't come off very easily.

A couple of days before I also got my hands dirty with markers because I touched a whiteboard sponge at my seminar.

Formless cloud of consciousness

Had a video call with mom last night. She said she saw me as a formless cloud once in October and that she hadn't seen me in that form before. When I briefly described the symbology of my eye issue, she confirmed it. It occurred to her that she had gone through a similar stage in life and that she had also had a problem with eyes as it happened.

The cycle

Now about a week ago, I think I realized my main emotional cycle and planned my way out. I think I've finally started to understand a bit better what owltwelve has been saying for all these years about utilizing sexual energy for psychokinesis training. I had failed to see that this emotional cycle was caused by unused sexual energy. The label "sexual" confused me because of all the meanings which the society has given to this label.

Dream: Kittens

A few days ago I had a dream where I looked for the cat but found a bunch of kittens, instead. These kittens had not been fed very well. For some reason I offered a piece of tree bark to one of the kittens, which ate it with quite an appetite.

Dream: Helicopter

A group of us were getting ready for a trip with a helicopter. My sister had something which she still needed to do, and got left behind. At some point I decided to go back and check on her, and perhaps wait until she gets things done. By the time she was ready to go, the helicopter was almost at the destination. This meant that we had to get through the woods, for which we got horses. At some point I noticed that sister had left again .. so I just gave up and continued to the destination. I reached the destination at the same time that the helicopter landed.

Dream: Scheming

I was at some kind of a meeting where a problem with a hidden bully was discussed. In order to expose the bully, I thought that a triggering letter should be written. However, the letter would be the easiest to write for a person with specific personality traits. For this task, a former friend seemed to be the most appropriate. Summoned him and discussed it further.

Spent time with him throughout the rest of the dreams. We discussed a lot of different things which I can't really recall. I was glad. It felt as if he had often visited the place where I was staying but each time that he did, I was never there.

Chaos

Somehow ever since Christmas, things have been rather confusing. No matter what I plan, things seem to end up otherwise.

Failed to visit grandparents in the city for Christmas because I became ill. Dad called and visited them, instead.

Then paid a visit to aunts for New Year's Eve. Regardless of my plans, I had to stay at another place. There was a workday in between, and I had trouble deciding where my colleague would pick me up. Eventually ended up using both addresses (one for departure, the other for arrival). Own family was also confused where I was at at times.

I had planned to visit the grandparents in the city just after the New Year's Eve. Marked some more days as part of my vacation from work. My colleagues are also quite confused about all the unannounced changes in my vacation plan by now, probably. Bought a bus ticket to the city. Then today checked some e-mails from yesterday and found that a few weeks ago I had booked a work-related health check appointment in the home town and it was a couple of hours too late for me to change it. So, had to call grandparents again to postpone the Christmas visit. Since I've already bought the bus ticket to the city, I'd have to take another bus from there to home town in order to make it to the health check appointment the next morning. If I had taken a bus straight to home town, it would've been a 4 h bus trip, now it will be a 6 h bus trip.

Edit: There was also confusion of who would take me to another farm. In the end, two people were ready to take me there, and I had to pick one.

We went to enjoy the fireworks in celebration of the New Year. Grandma wasn't too enthusiastic about coming with us, but eventually aunt took her with us. Once there, grandma wanted to get to the bathroom so I took her to uncle's house. We tried to "break in" straight through the bathroom door but found that none of the keys worked on that door, so eventually we still had to enter through the front door. We more-or-less missed the fireworks (with the exception of the rockets which were fired close enough to be seen over the trees). Since I've seen plenty of New Year celebrations, this random encounter did not really spark any emotions.

This New Year's Eve was a bit special, though. Before and after 00:00, it was quite windy. At 00:00 everything was quiet and the sky was completely clear. It was awesome how well stars could be seen in the background of the fireworks.

I don't know what's going on but it's confusing me and everyone else around me.

Detachment: No you won't

On Tuesday evening I got the feeling that a specific member on that Discord server had died. Tried to help her pass on in my mind, and went to bed.

The next morning it felt like that member was alive. I failed to find any particular details which could've indicated a parallel realm. So, in the end I was just left confused as to what happened.

Detachment

While walking to the bus station on Thursday morning, I decided that all the unnecessary burden was a bit too much. Detached from everything. The moment I did, my left eye started to hurt and water. A bit further and I couldn't go on. Installed glasses to keep the wind away from the tears. This helped me go a bit further but eventually had to stop and rest the eyes before I could move on. Through a practice of willpower and concentration (I noticed that whenever I applied both, I could temporarily force through) I made it to the bus station. Applied eye drops against inflammation. They didn't help. Waited a bit for things to improve but things gradually only became worse.

Decided to turn around and go back home. Had to greet an acquaintance on the way which I found a bit embarrassing. Struggled hard to keep one of my eyes open for periods long enough not to be run over by a car or bicycle, and to avoid bumping into other people (or streetlamps posts). Took breaks every now and then. The longest break I took at the beach and in my mind's eye that's the spot where I left the burden.

Eventually made it back home. None of the old tricks helped and things only got worse until Sunday morning. Again an inflammation of the left eye with a fever. There was a constant pain with periodic nerve pain and spasms on top. Standing or sitting pose with both eyes closed was the most comfortable. Any tilting of the head caused the pain to ramp up.

Edit: Due to the timing of it all (missed a family Christmas party), I was forced to tell my grandparents (and thus the whole family) about it. This made them worry about me, calling me every day, asking for a status report. This, however, is the main reason why I haven't told them about previous health issues.

Desire to sleep

The pain was a bit too much for me to just go and face it right away. Tried to find ways to sleep without laying down. In that I failed. After about two sleepless nights like that, I wasn't able to hold my head up while sitting (kept falling asleep only to wake a split-second later in pain again). I became aware that the almost constant darkness, pain (and probably fever, too) were starting to get on my mental health. In my mind's eye I was already experiencing 3-4 left eyes having pain in different places.

Eventually I had to face the pain and "enjoy" it for long enough to become used to it so that I could at least sleep for a couple of hours or so. While quite a feat by my personal standards (especially since the pain was beyond anything I had experienced before), this was a breakthrough.

OBE: Playing four

I was "playing a game" of being 2 male and 2 female people somewhere in the dark alleys of maybe Tokyo or someplace similar. These people had no past nor any future. They were just there without knowing anything about where or why they had come from, what they were doing there and so on. All of them were in separate places and it was their interactions with other people which for some odd reason I considered to be of interest. While I only "saw" their shadows, I think they were all dressed in trench coats and shoes similar to what was in fashion in the 30s.

Different perspective

"What kind of a sick fantasy is this," I thought and woke up into pain and darkness. I could not remember who or where I was, or why I was where I was and I could not open my eyes. It took me some minutes to regain my memories again. It could have been that some of the body was still asleep and the memory was still cold-booting.

Went on the pilgrimage to wash my left eye with fresh water (as opposed to applying eye drops) and take some tea. While the trip was painful, I found myself more-or-less content with my life (in comparison to the sick excuse of a dream I had woken from). It is actually possible that a part of the pain was from over-usage of the eye medicine which did not work due to fever.

Once I got back to my bed, I thought I could see the spot of pain on the pillow. "A concentrate of pain," I thought, and realized that a pretty flower can only grow from a good (well-balanced) soil. While probably possible through a lot of effort, a pretty flower could be grown on a bad soil, it would be a waste of resources. Asceticism had suddenly lost its glare.

It also occurred to me that nowadays the fundamental physics is built on the assumption that charges must be in balance for things to be stable. However, if we assume that this universe or multiverse allows for mutually exclusive things to be true simultaneously, then such an assumption might not hold. It could be that some charges are properties of one universe, whereas some other are properties of another, etc. Or perhaps some of them are a part of the underlying structure supporting the universe whereas the others are a part of this universe. Will not try to elaborate on this here too much. Will just note down that the idea spawned from an assumption of a finite universe within an infinite one.

Healing

Decided to reduce the pain by actively focusing on relaxing the eye and the nerve strands which were tensed up due to inflammation. Laid back in the concentrate of pain and started going nerve through nerve, trying to relax the eye. Got half of the eye back to normal and managed to sleep some. Then continued the work. It took 3 iterations like that, with the far corner of the eye taking a bit longer.

But at least now I could open my left eye without mopping the floor (or soaking the blanket or pillow) with all the water that came out.

It made me really happy and a bit proud also (for once, healing was actually useful and worked).

Clairvoyance

Since I was practically blind for several days, I used the opportunity to improve seeing with without the eyes.

While it did work occasionally, and sometimes it worked beyond my expectations, there were also cases when it did not work or worked but did not produce any useful results. Quite often, the skill provided at least some persistence between quick glances of the surroundings.

Some observations:

1. With the point of view being from a random place (and sometimes changed between consecutive attempts), it was sometimes difficult to assess the distance to objects (and grab them with my hand).
2. Sometimes the view was not aligned to the body (I was standing at an angle to what I saw). This got me really confused and I managed to get lost in my own room.
3. Sometimes I saw things morph around or look different from how they were in reality. For example, I saw my feet stretched out when in reality they were not.
4. A sudden change from a dark room to a well lit room dispelled the skill. Things seemed to have worked better in dark rooms and hallways, but maybe also because of the signals from the physical eyes confusing the brain.
5. Regardless of how clear and detailed was the vision, I did not see all objects. In particular, I think I mostly saw objects which I had interacted with the most. For example, I could see my mug and a box of cookies on the kitchen table but completely miss the bag of cat's biscuits right behind the mug.
6. Sometimes I saw light shining through gaps or cracks which I would have found difficult to see with my regular eyes because of it being really faint.
7. In some places I saw some kind of glowing objects. One such object was attached to a corner of the blanket. I could only see it with my eyes closed but not with any of my eyes open.

Based on some other experiments with consciousness and its features, several of the issues with clairvoyance seem to stem from using a very powerful tool without properly configuring it first. Seeing with one's eyes closed is a rather simple use case for conscious shaping of one's consciousness density function.

Edit: Forgot something important. A couple of cases which I personally found interesting.

After applying eye drops (in a tiny bottle), I tried to put the bottle back to its place. In doing so, I used my left arm in a somewhat inconvenient pose (horizontally beyond my head which was on the other side of the back of a chair). Once I accidentally dropped the bottle. I managed to catch it before it reached the floor, without seeing it. And even if I had somehow seen it, I would have probably still missed it because of the inconvenient pose of my arm which would have messed up the whole motorics coordination. However, somehow such a feat was possible.

Once I was trying to reach a tissue on the floor. I had not paid any attention to where I had left it, so I was somewhat surprised to see (with my eyes closed) that it was far away from the others. Without opening my eyes I picked it up and it was actually there.

Shop visit

I had consumed almost everything consumable in the fridge. Went to the shop to buy something more. Felt really weird, but I guess that can happen after being blind for about a week. For one, I had to re-learn how to walk normally. The shop with all the people and signs was surprisingly overwhelming (even though I knew it would be).

I noticed that for once I relied more on intuition than on eyesight. I suspected that I had broken the plastic bag and instead of shrugging it off I went through the effort to determine where it was that I had broken the bag. This confirmed that I had indeed broken the bag without noticing it. While I wasn't aware of it at first, I somehow had another bag in the jacket pocket so I distributed the load.

Got to a traffic light and instinctively started walking towards the button even though the lights were already green. Later it turned out that I could only make it halfway across the crossing (intuition was right again).

Minor stuff

.. which I wanted to post so that I would not forget them.

A ceiling lamp at the canteen has given way again. Lighting effects like Akira, Elfen Lied or some horror show. However, I haven't been sitting at that spot very often because it's right next to the door to the patio and it's cold there during the autumn / winter season.

Mystery packages

On Monday, a couple of packages arrived at the institute. No recipient name, just a phone number. The phone number belonged to a friend of mine, so I contacted him. Or rather, it was his old phone number when he used to work at a place X.

He said there's no way he ordered anything, and seemed a bit unsettled about it. And to be honest, it would not make sense for him to ship it to our address (he has never worked there).

I agreed to take the packages to X, if they had somehow indeed managed to order electronic components using an old account and somehow had them shipped to a totally different address. I was pleasantly surprised that my card opened all the doors and I could lay the packages on the table like a ... well .. whatever. There were two girls there who knew nothing about any package orders.

It nagged me, though, that I kind of like remember this friend asking me if it was okay to order something and have it shipped to the institute. But the memory seems blurry as if he asked that in a dream. I remember saying "yeah, sure" but I don't remember what it was or why it would've been good to have it shipped to the institute. Dream logic is often like that .. absurd.

Or maybe my mind is just looking for some kind of a supernatural connection while there is a simple and reasonable explanation. Dunno, and that's why I wanted to log it here for future reference.

Bain

An interesting podcast from Bob Bain, again.

While the terminology seems a bit strange, a lot of what Von Braschler says, also matches my experience.

Phone call

Paid a visit to the conveniences (convenient because it's at home, and it's for free, too!). While there's nothing remarkable about that, I got a phone call while in there. I thought it can probably wait until I wash my hands. The call stopped after just a few seconds (not common among my acquaintances). Checked the number after I had washed my hands. Unknown number but from the same country, at least. Tried to call back ... "the dialed number is not in use". Hmm..

Thought

Forgot to mention in my previous post that yesterday I arrived early and waited for the AirBnb host. At some moment, I thought it would be neat if she called me. Just when I produced that thought, I got an SMS from her.

Just a post

with some random stuff before I forget them. Just for the record, the post is from Finland.

Speedwalking

I think it was at the end of last week that I thought I was too late for the bus to work which I have usually taken (departs at 7:50). I think I started at around 7:34 but I decided to take a walk anyway because the next bus (departing at 8:20) would also be fine (just wouldn't leave a margin). Considering that I have managed to cover the distance in about 25 - 35 min, there was plenty of time for the 8:20 bus. Due to this, I did not hurry. Once I reached the bus station, I still saw the 7:50 bus. Checked the time, it was 7:50. Then some guy went past me, running for the bus. If he hadn't, then I wouldn't have chosen to bother the bus driver because of me being late. Anyway, got on the bus and then started to wonder how it was possible that I had suddenly made my record (16 min) without even trying. My previous record was 21 min and then I was walking as fast as I could. Throughout the walk I was in my thoughts and didn't notice anything out of the ordinary.

Lightstepping

On Wednesday night, I had trouble sleeping again. Woke up during the night to wash the blanket with tears and apply eye drops. I really enjoyed the days when I didn't have to do that. Might be that the air is too dry.

Anyway, drank some water and went back to bed. Had an LD or OBE where I was walking past some houses with all sorts of fences. I figured I was lightweight enough to walk on top of the fence. Jumped there, and practiced lightstepping to avoid any damage the fence. It was a lovely morning and the weather was nice and sunny. In the yard of one of the houses, there were people chatting .. though, I was probably unnoticeable / invisible enough.

Sometimes there were low-hanging tree branches on top of the fence, so I shrunk myself to fit underneath.

Reached a place with some trees, flew up and touched the branches and leaves. It was awesome, I could feel them roughly the same way as I did with the physical body. Simply the dimensions of my arm / hand were now arbitrary and defined by visualization.

Not sure whether this was an OBE because I did not have 360 deg vision (it was closer to how I see with the body) but then again, I never really tried to have wider FoV. While I did have a form, it was not very underdefined and I couldn't see myself. The environment was very vivid and detailed.

Another suicidal on Discord

Instead of actively trying to "help" (in other words, "make things worse"), I sometimes simply visualized sitting next to him. No words, no intent, just sitting. The visualization was not very concentrated but I hope it helped at least a little.

At some point I could no longer feel his presence, but it reappeared again in the evening. Since then I've had the feeling that I cannot do any more.

While thinking about it, my aunt called. She's obviously a bit depressed due to the lack of social interaction. She needs to chat all the time but since moving to a different farm, she has been rather lonely. Anyway, discussed the psychology of depression with her, too.