The third path

It has been a while.

In the meantime I've mostly focused on the third path, which I labelled as "friends and family". This is because since about 2018 or so, I suddenly found myself extremely lacking in that regard.

For re-learning how to friend, I estimated a few years. I think a few years it probably took, too. While I think I learned what I set out to learn: how to find (online) friends with very different background, personality and interests, and how to interact with them, how to notice when they need support and how to support them. There is still a lot for me to learn, though.

I also learned a lot about how to family. At some point I thought I had lost my sister. Luckily she's back, but for me and for the rest of the family that was quite difficult and mentally taxing.

Buying gf

Then, finally, I tried to find a girlfriend. Ever since grandpa's death it had been bothering me a lot. Whenever I looked around, everyone were walking in couples, most old friends and classmates, coursemates were posting photos of spending quality time with their significant others and their kids. Even my cousins whom I saw grow up, have their significant others and some are married.

Obviously I was lacking in something / there was something wrong with me that this had not happened to me yet. So, I asked myself what it was that everyone else had but I had not, and tried to learn and improve myself in those aspects. I estimated that it would probably take me 10 years to catch up. Once I inserted my age into the equation, I sort of panicked and decided that I'd need to speed up the process significantly, somehow.

I figured that I had quite strict standards for myself, and that regardless of thinking I was not applying the same standards on others, I actually was, just without realizing it. So I tried letting go of my self-standards. That was hard, and I felt very lost after that.

Within the time frame, I think there were about 6-7 who seemed interested in me. Out of them, I think 4 sort-of confessed. Half of them were underage (also, what's up with women hiding their age or lying about it online?), and the other half were one-sided (I did not really have feelings). In one of the cases I thought maybe the one-sidedness was temporary and that eventually I might develop feelings. Well, nope. I realized that if I did not have any interest or feelings from the start, then that would not change over time. If I did have at least some interest from the start, then feelings could develop but it might take a rather long time (years) for me.

Within that same time frame, I think I went through about 100 and had a crush on about 20 (way too many, I thought, and felt bad about it). I think I confessed to maybe half of them, for I thought it's a good idea to be open about my feelings, especially when I suspected it might be influencing my thinking and behaviour. All of these crushes were one-sided. The other end was usually either taken or they just said they enjoyed chatting with me. In some cases, that was clearly just out of an attempt to be nice (some ignored my messages and did not really show much interest in what I shared).

I found it very interesting that towards each crush the feelings were different. With one I felt I would feel very comfortable. In the case of another one I felt as if I could forgive her anything. Usually it was the way they interacted, and the way they treated other people which caught my attention. Usually it did not matter if I had seen any pictures of them or not, whereas some crushes only formed after seeing pictures or videos of them. After learning that the feelings were not mutual, overcoming the crushes usually took a week or two of suffering for me. With most of them I could still remain friends afterwards.

One case was a bit different. In May I found a piece of paper sticking out from the bottom of my drawer at home. That was the first time something like that had happened to me. Pulled it out and read it. It was a list of characteristics which I had written up many years ago about what I thought my future girlfriend should be like. I giggled and put the paper back into the drawer. The next day I went on a canoe hike with people most of whom I did not know. On that hike I could not sleep, as I let the list bother me throughout the night. Why now? Who might it refer to?

For a couple of weeks, the chats with a friend had magically revived after months of silence. At that point it had been a year and a half since we had started chatting. Was it her? As I continued chatting with her later, it seemed that everything which I had had on that list, matched. Not only that, but also the things which I had thought of but had not dared to write down (fearing I might be too picky), these also matched. For certain she was also interested in me, I thought, for why else would she be texting throughout the night in her time zone. For me it was somewhat overwhelming at times. Also interesting how there seemed to be similarities but also symmetries in our lives. At first I had a crush, and just when I thought I had gotten over it, I fell for her more than I have for anyone else thus far. Confessed and learned that it was one-sided. I got depressed, then she got depressed. Since then she barely responds to any messages. Anyway, from this I learned that no matter how compatible one might seem, and even if strange things happen which indicate that they should be the right one, it does not mean anything.

Before that happened, there had been a similar case where someone fell for me but I did not have any feelings. I had just chatted with her because she seemed sad or depressed and needed someone to talk to. There were a lot of odd synchronicities / coincidences with her. It turned out that she lived basically just a block away from the place I was staying, and her summerhouse was also close to the place which I was cleaning of litter. Anyway, apparently those synchronicities and coincidences meant nothing.

Interesting. Now that I think about it, two of the girls who fell for me, had been renovating their place or were moving out, and had car licenses. I haven't wrapped up with the car license nor renovating the apartment, let alone moving anywhere. All of these are taking forever, because I always think there are more important things which need doing.

On another note, one of the reasons why I've preferred to be somewhat open about my feelings (confess a lot) is because even 10+ years later I still had not confessed to my second crush and it had made me feel quite bad. Eventually I did, and she just ignored it. So, I had worried way too much about it. However, right after I confessed to my 3rd crush, she quit her job and left the town. Back then I did not understand why that was necessary. However, it seems that it's very common (and probably quite effective) method to ensure there's enough distance to let feelings cool off. It is possible that several friends who have suddenly left and unfriended, may have done so to distance from me. Usually I assumed that I must have offended them in some way or other for them to do that.

Anyway, at some point I learned that sometimes one might feel disgusted if someone confesses their feelings to them. Or it might make them feel afraid (which used to be the case for me a while back). This had me reconsider being that open about my feelings in the future. Even though I used to think that was the main reason why I kept missing my chances for all these years - I had not dared to be open about feelings.

This whole thing feels like the most difficult of anything which I've done thus far in life. With other things there's usually some progress or improvement when I put effort in. In love-stuff it seems it doesn't really matter how hard I try, it seems as if it were not for me. I would always feel that I would find someone "soon", random people would say to me that they see me finding someone "soon", I would read about it from horoscopes, etc. but still years go by and nothing changes. It boggles my mind how love seems so much more difficult than psychokinesis (which is supposed to be impossible) but still most people in the world are so good at love-stuff. Maybe sometime in the future I might try Tinder or something. Though, I doubt that would make it any easier to find the right one. So, I decided to accept defeat again, take a step back and for now focus more again on the other two paths in my life: spiritualism and technology.