Some evening, during pranayama practice, I saw a bluish-white light appear somewhere on my left hand. The light stayed there for several seconds before it disappeared. Saw this with closed eyelids.
In bed, I decided to take a look at what was hurting at the physical heart location. It was off balance. Most of the body had become brighter and more clear, at the expense of the region around the heart becoming darker and more misty. Saw a lot of bloody mess there. Mixed it with the rest and hugged it.
Jaan: "You've become too pessimistic." Yup, saw too much fear in me today. Fear of not being able to deliver what people expect of me. To me it seems they want more than I can provide. And yet the work I've done so far .. too little for them .. too little for myself. On the other hand, all those overworked evenings and weekends, just to "pile together grains of sand into a city that a single wave can wash away". Ah, well, that's what I've been doing for this whole life .. over and over again. I wonder why. The only thing that has changed about it is the depth of the experience and responsibilities. I have to agree, I love to build something great to realize it was not needed and then abandon it, but why do I never get enough of this? There must be a reason in the past or in the future, somewhere.
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