There was a surge in intent last night / today morning, I think. The force field around the body has been quite thick already. When I focused on it, it caused nausea.
Walked to a parking lot next to a friend's dorm. Realized that I could see my old kindergarten from behind the trees and through two fences. Went closer. Looked at the place, some old memories came up. To avoid clinging to them, I turned around and walked back to friend's car. Looked at the trees instead. A seagull shouted, circled around me and flew towards the kindergarten. I kept my eyes at it throughout the event. Then looked back at the trees. Mind became blank and I got somewhat absorbed in the trees. Birds were chirping on one of the trees. Sensed power / energy increasing there. Then the birds flew away and a sort of darkness flew into the tree. The power stayed there. I turned around, looked around and still the power stayed there in the branches and leaves of that tree. I thought I had leaked it out due to prolonged focus on the tree. I let go of my obsession with trees, to which the trees reacted with a violent swaying and shaking of the leaves. The power remained. Focused on the power and observed it without obsession. Somehow took a part of it. The force field around the body wobbled quite a bit.
By utilizing blank mind, I challenged dirty thoughts. For one, the dorm building used to give me the sensation of a fire accident each time I looked at it. Purged it so that the sensation dissipated.
After standing there for about 20 minutes or so, I realized I was standing in the middle of an ants' highway. Heavy traffic. None of them touched me, though. I carefully stepped away.
Buildings, trees, birds, people feel different. The 24/7 focus on the force field is almost back. Not quite, but almost. By focusing on it, internal tension and stress faded away pretty quick.
On another note, the first week in gym was a bit tough. Easily started to feel sick .. drank a lot of water, juice, milk. Skin became fragile and started peeling off .. ate a lot of butter. Well, obviously one needs to have something to put butter on before eating it .. so I ate black and white or fake (grayscale rice+corn disk) bread, too.
Monday, June 8, 2015
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Shadowrun
I've played quite a bit of Shadowrun recently. Shadowrun: Dragonfall is very good, in my opinion .. almost comparable to Fallout 2. Very good storyline, packs conspiracy theories, ancient civilizations, magic, shamanism, jedi-ism in addition to the run-around-with-guns in a post-apocalyptic world.
Such video games have sometimes helped me uncover a specific attitude towards the world. Especially when the outcome of a situation in the game depends on dialogue options and it's missing the line that I would want to say. The attitude: Since I'm in this situation with these resources, then there must be a way out with what I have.
For most of the time, this mentality works better in reality than it does in video games, because the latter are still rather limited. However, right when I had adopted the attitude, even seemingly impossible conditions sparked good tactics.
Another aspect of gaming is the involvement of psionics and geisting. A locked door .. I enter 5 numbers in some order, without letting the rational mind interfere .. click, door opens on first attempt. Cool. Sometimes subconscious mind has notified me of when to save, which dialogue options to select, based on the intended outcome and so on. Today when the player character was taking a train home, and there was a description of the wind in the train tunnel .. bam, living room window blasts open and a strong wind blows through my room. Paused the game and closed the window :).
Anyway, last night my mind was full of Shadowrun clutter. Managed to brush it up before entering sleep.
Such video games have sometimes helped me uncover a specific attitude towards the world. Especially when the outcome of a situation in the game depends on dialogue options and it's missing the line that I would want to say. The attitude: Since I'm in this situation with these resources, then there must be a way out with what I have.
For most of the time, this mentality works better in reality than it does in video games, because the latter are still rather limited. However, right when I had adopted the attitude, even seemingly impossible conditions sparked good tactics.
Another aspect of gaming is the involvement of psionics and geisting. A locked door .. I enter 5 numbers in some order, without letting the rational mind interfere .. click, door opens on first attempt. Cool. Sometimes subconscious mind has notified me of when to save, which dialogue options to select, based on the intended outcome and so on. Today when the player character was taking a train home, and there was a description of the wind in the train tunnel .. bam, living room window blasts open and a strong wind blows through my room. Paused the game and closed the window :).
Anyway, last night my mind was full of Shadowrun clutter. Managed to brush it up before entering sleep.
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Random
It has happened again that active gym'ing has weakened the immune
system a little. Got something in the left nostril that irritates the
skin.
Last night UPS's beeped. Only remembered this when father told about the storm in the morning.
Dreams were pretty vivid. In the last dream, I stepped out of the summerhouse main building. Looked around and saw a great thunder cloud coming from the west. Very strong wind. Walked around, somewhat paranoid about tree branches falling or roofs becoming damaged, etc. A friend also came out. We had built something on top of the roof of the main building. It looked like wooden bridges and stairs. Anyway, he climbed up there to show how stable it was in the wind. In fact, it became unaffected by the storm right when he stepped on it. Previously it had been swinging around dangerously.
Woke up at a 180 degrees angle with the body. This has been fairly common since I started randomly sleeping in either direction.
The force field around the body has become thicker, however, I haven't been constantly aware of it (previously I used to have 24/7 awareness of it).
Good album:
Last night UPS's beeped. Only remembered this when father told about the storm in the morning.
Dreams were pretty vivid. In the last dream, I stepped out of the summerhouse main building. Looked around and saw a great thunder cloud coming from the west. Very strong wind. Walked around, somewhat paranoid about tree branches falling or roofs becoming damaged, etc. A friend also came out. We had built something on top of the roof of the main building. It looked like wooden bridges and stairs. Anyway, he climbed up there to show how stable it was in the wind. In fact, it became unaffected by the storm right when he stepped on it. Previously it had been swinging around dangerously.
Woke up at a 180 degrees angle with the body. This has been fairly common since I started randomly sleeping in either direction.
The force field around the body has become thicker, however, I haven't been constantly aware of it (previously I used to have 24/7 awareness of it).
Good album:
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Crown
Chatted with father yesterday, on the subject of manipulating the past. A strong storm appeared each time I tried to raise a point. The storm redirected father's attention so he looked out of the window instead.
Before sleep, I remembered this experience with smoke. Visualized the smoke engulfing me and cleansing the energy body. After a while I noticed that the smoke was dissipating from areas where it was no longer needed. I guess I fell asleep before I became fully cleansed (the chest or upper-back remained in smoke). Remained aware throughout most of the night again. Woke tired.
Today morning our old kettle powered itself on without any water in it.
On a bus today I stood next to a man with skin flaking off in a few places. He seemed to be quite humble and nice, as if he had just recently overcome an addiction or something. At some moment I saw a distortion in the energy field above his head. It looked as if a sphere was about to form .. a semi-transparent 60 degree arc formed. Right when this happened, the man looked up at it. I was a bit puzzled, wondering if this was somehow semi-consciously caused by me.
Recently I've noticed that as I walk past some bushes, their branches sometimes bend away .. as if there were a bubble of swirlwind around me.
On my way to the bus station, I focused on the upper-back region that makes a cracking sound when I stretch it. Also, that's the spot where energy tends to get tangled. After some practise with that, something changed. It feels as if the crown is about to open up again. Waves of heat ascended up the spine. This time the heat was more intense than before.
Before sleep, I remembered this experience with smoke. Visualized the smoke engulfing me and cleansing the energy body. After a while I noticed that the smoke was dissipating from areas where it was no longer needed. I guess I fell asleep before I became fully cleansed (the chest or upper-back remained in smoke). Remained aware throughout most of the night again. Woke tired.
Today morning our old kettle powered itself on without any water in it.
On a bus today I stood next to a man with skin flaking off in a few places. He seemed to be quite humble and nice, as if he had just recently overcome an addiction or something. At some moment I saw a distortion in the energy field above his head. It looked as if a sphere was about to form .. a semi-transparent 60 degree arc formed. Right when this happened, the man looked up at it. I was a bit puzzled, wondering if this was somehow semi-consciously caused by me.
Recently I've noticed that as I walk past some bushes, their branches sometimes bend away .. as if there were a bubble of swirlwind around me.
On my way to the bus station, I focused on the upper-back region that makes a cracking sound when I stretch it. Also, that's the spot where energy tends to get tangled. After some practise with that, something changed. It feels as if the crown is about to open up again. Waves of heat ascended up the spine. This time the heat was more intense than before.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Have to
Last night in bed I saw the light around my head, then there was a cracking sound in the neck and it all became dark.
Managed to remain aware / lucid throughout the dreams. A lot of work and school related stuff. In one of them, there was some sort of a guy, who glued himself to my dream body and wanted to extract my energy I guess. Without being surprised, I used a technique to detach him. Basically I considered us as two permanent magnets and slid him away across the tangent. For push, I used another person who was not "magnetic".
Today I found myself nervous and drained of energy again. Nervous about how the student would do at his thesis defence. Due to this, the heart region became painful again for some time.
Somehow managed to work around it, I think, and went to gym. Noticed that today I somehow had more stamina than I could use up. Muscles became sore before I got tired. Also noticed that little to no undigested thoughts, emotions surfaced. During the past few days the demand for concentration on self-stalking has been more than it ever has been. It has seemed very hard to overcome the indulgence. There's not much of a choice, though, since I know I would injure myself if I gave in to indulgence while doing exercise at the gym. The same with work .. it's no longer possible to delay any of it, so I just have to cleanse my mind of impure thoughts, emotions.
Hmm .. today there was also an interesting wind. A regular strong wind was blowing against me as I walked. Then for 1 second, there was a 2 or 3x stronger blow directed at me. Before and after that peak, wind was more or less normal. That direct blow brushed my mind clear for a moment, and inner dialogue ceased for some time.
Managed to remain aware / lucid throughout the dreams. A lot of work and school related stuff. In one of them, there was some sort of a guy, who glued himself to my dream body and wanted to extract my energy I guess. Without being surprised, I used a technique to detach him. Basically I considered us as two permanent magnets and slid him away across the tangent. For push, I used another person who was not "magnetic".
Today I found myself nervous and drained of energy again. Nervous about how the student would do at his thesis defence. Due to this, the heart region became painful again for some time.
Somehow managed to work around it, I think, and went to gym. Noticed that today I somehow had more stamina than I could use up. Muscles became sore before I got tired. Also noticed that little to no undigested thoughts, emotions surfaced. During the past few days the demand for concentration on self-stalking has been more than it ever has been. It has seemed very hard to overcome the indulgence. There's not much of a choice, though, since I know I would injure myself if I gave in to indulgence while doing exercise at the gym. The same with work .. it's no longer possible to delay any of it, so I just have to cleanse my mind of impure thoughts, emotions.
Hmm .. today there was also an interesting wind. A regular strong wind was blowing against me as I walked. Then for 1 second, there was a 2 or 3x stronger blow directed at me. Before and after that peak, wind was more or less normal. That direct blow brushed my mind clear for a moment, and inner dialogue ceased for some time.
Observations
After performing exercises on the feet at the gym yesterday and then walking about 13 km today, I thought I wouldn't go to the gym today. I then fought indulgence .. then decided to go through a store to buy some mineral water for the gym .. waited for bodily signs. Accidentally missed one store. Then thought I would stop by another. Missed that too. Then the body yawned. Then missed the third store and the body yawned again. So I took a nap, instead. Three hours of hi-quality sleep, which I haven't had for a while.
Today I've noticed a high tendency towards indulging. Also, I've been feeling tired (which I've overcome with willpower) and I've been drinking a lot of water, juice, yoghurt. Like a week's amount of it or something.
Had a theory that moving the body causes undigested emotions, thoughts, feelings to resurface. It's like these things have accumulated in the muscles and joints.
Today I've noticed a high tendency towards indulging. Also, I've been feeling tired (which I've overcome with willpower) and I've been drinking a lot of water, juice, yoghurt. Like a week's amount of it or something.
Had a theory that moving the body causes undigested emotions, thoughts, feelings to resurface. It's like these things have accumulated in the muscles and joints.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
The power of waiting
Intended to "find" the hands in the dreams again. Well, I did stare a lot at them. Also realized that one of my stretching habits subconsciously fulfilled the same purpose. Nothing special in the dreams. Was at the summerhouse again. There were I think 4 possibilities of what to do while waiting for the morning. One of them was sitting around a bonfire and talking. I did not choose that one but I did talk to people.
Before falling asleep, though, I noticed something more interesting. I felt my teeth, gums, jaw transforming. As I focused on the feeling, I saw some sort of an image of the teeth, gums and jaw. It didn't tell me much. Played with the feeling, reversing it so that I gained my "original" form, then let it transform into this weird form again. I don't know what this weird form was or wasn't, but it felt as if the head became more round, while the jaw became thinner and teeth became larger. However, the image that I saw, indicated that the jaw became wider, instead. Dunno .. but I'm skeptical about it. I've felt pressure on the jaw before, but I haven't been able to confirm any physical changes yet.
Started going to gym again, for the summer. A friend asked me to go with him, but I thought I wouldn't make it so early. I got the impression that he still wanted to go early. It somehow happened that I got transport back to town, so I arrived by 7 PM (had said that maybe at 7, but more likely at 8 PM). Anyway, he arrived at 8. I finished and went out. Waited for him for about 1.5 hours, since then we would have a long and inspiring chat afterwards. Used the time for concentration practice, sort of. At first I focused on the trees, birds, wind, people, cars. Then I found it more exciting to peek at the silence or emptiness throughout everything. No matter how busy the street was, how many birds were circling around, chirping .. this silence was always there and it felt powerful. Couldn't maintain focus on it for long, though .. too many thoughts.
Anyway, he said that anyone who would've seen me waiting there, would now probably be convinced I'm retarded. Well, I've noticed that it's difficult to explain the point to a random person, as they only see meaning in purely physical actions.
Oh, right, waited for a bus for about an hour in the morning too. Really enjoyed it, as the weather was simply gorgeous.
For me, the point in waiting is that it's one of those moments when I have nothing to do except spiritual practice. At first there are barely any moments like that. But the more I integrate it into my everyday life (add at least 30 min margin to everything), the easier it becomes to do it in dreaming. From previous experience, I know that this eventually transforms dreams into constant awareness, constant meditation, basically.
There has been some sort of a power that flatters the ego, recently. I've put forth effort in overcoming the cockiness while preserving the power.
Before falling asleep, though, I noticed something more interesting. I felt my teeth, gums, jaw transforming. As I focused on the feeling, I saw some sort of an image of the teeth, gums and jaw. It didn't tell me much. Played with the feeling, reversing it so that I gained my "original" form, then let it transform into this weird form again. I don't know what this weird form was or wasn't, but it felt as if the head became more round, while the jaw became thinner and teeth became larger. However, the image that I saw, indicated that the jaw became wider, instead. Dunno .. but I'm skeptical about it. I've felt pressure on the jaw before, but I haven't been able to confirm any physical changes yet.
Started going to gym again, for the summer. A friend asked me to go with him, but I thought I wouldn't make it so early. I got the impression that he still wanted to go early. It somehow happened that I got transport back to town, so I arrived by 7 PM (had said that maybe at 7, but more likely at 8 PM). Anyway, he arrived at 8. I finished and went out. Waited for him for about 1.5 hours, since then we would have a long and inspiring chat afterwards. Used the time for concentration practice, sort of. At first I focused on the trees, birds, wind, people, cars. Then I found it more exciting to peek at the silence or emptiness throughout everything. No matter how busy the street was, how many birds were circling around, chirping .. this silence was always there and it felt powerful. Couldn't maintain focus on it for long, though .. too many thoughts.
Anyway, he said that anyone who would've seen me waiting there, would now probably be convinced I'm retarded. Well, I've noticed that it's difficult to explain the point to a random person, as they only see meaning in purely physical actions.
Oh, right, waited for a bus for about an hour in the morning too. Really enjoyed it, as the weather was simply gorgeous.
For me, the point in waiting is that it's one of those moments when I have nothing to do except spiritual practice. At first there are barely any moments like that. But the more I integrate it into my everyday life (add at least 30 min margin to everything), the easier it becomes to do it in dreaming. From previous experience, I know that this eventually transforms dreams into constant awareness, constant meditation, basically.
There has been some sort of a power that flatters the ego, recently. I've put forth effort in overcoming the cockiness while preserving the power.
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