Throughout the first week after seeing her, I tried to use the image for concentration practice. After about 2-3 days of concentration 24/7, the image started to fade. The more the image faded, the more frustration and depression crept in. At first I was able to counter that. Considered creating a construct of sorts to sense her whereabouts. Thought I got a hint of the part of the town where she might be.
During the weekend of the first week, I had become really clumsy so I decided to do some sports. This helped temporarily. A couple of evenings later I thought I saw a bat-shaped shadow flickering against the light in the corridor. Only saw it in the periphery and it disappeared when I looked directly at it. Felt sick, had a headache and could not focus for a couple of days. Hadn't practised concentration for a while, probably strained it a bit.
Exactly two weeks after the event with the explosive empathy, I felt her reach the bus stop, think of me, wait for me, wait for the bus and leave. I couldn't, as my course was still on-going. While her image in my mind has lost some of its depth, I can still feel something within me and it's soothing.
I find it amazing how technically I haven't even met her yet and she has already taught me this much about myself, human psychology and spirituality. However, this has brought me back to an old problem which I used to face in a completely different way. In the old days I could make things difficult for myself and enjoy my ego burn through the hardship if I just detached from those that seemed close. Now I can't detach this easily because it would mean losing the chance to meet someone that's already close without really having met them in the first place. Based on prior experience I've deduced that empathy is probably bidirectional, so I can't just enjoy the pain of being unable to meet up with her and use that for spiritual progress. At the same time, I can't do much to alleviate the situation, either. What I can do, is try to make things easier for myself by resolving my own burdens, as well as to change my attitude towards things. This should make things less painful for her. I'm sorry, for I have been ignorant of the consequences of my own actions as well as the consequences of the lack of my own actions.
One of the realizations a day or two ago was (once again) that everything I think I "have" is a privilege because not everyone has them, they cannot be taken for granted. Thus, I ought to be thankful for absolutely everything that I think I have, as well as to take the best care of these things (for they're not mine). It is a privilege to have a functional body, it is a privilege to see the world in all its colors, it is a privilege to know that a girl like that exists.
I'll try to use the situation for inspiration. A rough plan:
- Remain humble towards everyone and everything,
- avoid whining, ranting, thinking out loud to make it easier to keep the mind clear,
- maintain clarity of mind while working in order to turn work meditative,
- enjoy sports at least once per week,
- practice pranayama each morning,
- meditate each evening before sleep.
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