Is this it?

When I focus on it, that addictive wheel of karma seems to be a mix of the following:

• a pile of sadness
• a feeling of not being worthy of something, but what's it worth to be worthy anyway
• an urge to be alone and meditate in a remote area for a long time
• freedom from the restrictions applied by the society
• detachment from worldly desires

Definitely an interesting bunch, because no matter what I do, it can still be interpreted as a weakness (whether it be becoming a hermit or living in the communities).

So, I guess I would need to live both, or at least acquire experience of both (can source from past lives or the current lives of others, too). No, actually, living both at the same time seems even better. I'm sure I've gotten to experience both, but not both simultaneously yet. This way there's no loss nor win.

There's one way I know this can be done. From 800 and self-hatred to 700 - A beautiful mix. And I can't do it by trying to remember it from the past. Over-emphasizing the past spins another infinite wheel of karma.