Strange bunch

It's really hot today.

During the past couple of days, I've been wondering about my desire to fit in, to belong somewhere, or to find someone to chat about things. I think I've come to realize how pointless it is.

One of the main reasons for several of my problems and desires have been my attempts to prove someone wrong by experiencing it on myself. First of all, me experiencing it on my own doesn't help to prove others wrong. For that, they'd need to experience it themselves. While it might help to prove to myself that I was right after all, I don't think it would make sense to test everything like that. After all, each such experience usually takes me a few years to play out. And when in the end I do realize that I had still been right, then I wouldn't even have learned anything. I think it does temporarily help me feel similar to other people, and make it easier to "fit in" for that short period of time. However, this method on its own is very ineffective for learning purposes.

During the past couple of days, it seems as if there has been something coming out from the lungs, because of which I've had to clear my throat every now and then.

Recently I've had a couple of dreams (or scenes within dreams) which stood out.

Dream: Gore

Saw a baby who had been shot and stabbed. The body was a mess but they were still alive (barely breathing). The body was so messed up that the bullet almost fell out on its own.

According to a dream symbols dictionary, this might indicate that I'm letting go of something which used to be a part of me.

Dream: Strange bunch

Found myself in a different realm with a group of other people (4 or 5 of us, I think). We met a group of guys in brown hooded robes (4 or 5 of them, I think). The hooded group invited us into a large conical terraced structure of some sort, which had been built into stone. The main corridor / stairway seemed to be spiraling. Along the sides of the corridor, there were a lot of equally spaced (brown, wooden?) doors.

They gave us a tour of the place, and described what they were about. During the tour, they showed their garden which was full of some strange kind of flowers. I think they mentioned something about apprentices picking these for transmuting them into gold or somesuch. Anyway, it seemed that their daily regime was quite tough in terms of training, which also explained why they were that good in wizardry.

I think the hooded guys were wizards of some sort, and they were looking for a shaman apprentice or something. At some point, they singled out one of our group and asked if he wanted to join them. I was relieved that it wasn't me, for I had a lot of responsibilities in other realms already. I had somehow managed to steer clear and get ahead of them.

I think they entered a room, leaving me behind so that I could roam around freely. I knew that the doors were not actually doors. Instead, they were dangling portals of sorts (not tied to any specific door on the other side). So, I think one could pick any door, and still end up where they wanted to go. I continued walking the corridor, until I ended up in a dead-end with a door in front of me. All the other doors had been on the sides.

Intending to go outside, I stepped through the door. Sunlight and fresh air, green grass, trees and a stream / river. I was back in a familiar realm (looked like Earth again). It was a familiar but I'm not sure if I had been there before.