Stomach

The book "No Self, No Problem: How Neuropsychology Is Catching Up to Buddhism" by Chris Niebauer PhD reminded me to practice activating specific hemispheres of the brain again. Left the activation of the right hemisphere ticking in my second attention for a couple of days, then forgot about it.

For a few days before the birthday, I had some stomach troubles. I think it was triggered by an emotional moment.

The brain switches hemispheres every now and then, and sometimes while both hemispheres are active, I've started to feel really weird. Sometimes I've gotten a mild headache from it.

Apparently there are still a lot of blockages at places in the body.

At some point I was so tired that a nap of just a few minutes caused me to lose awareness of the body and drop into a deep sleep.

I watched "Yangguang puzhao" (2019) with some people on Discord last Saturday. There was a scene with firecrackers on the streets. I noticed that I could smell the burnt gunpowder. It has been a while.

Birthday wishes

There's a Lain-themed Discord server in which I haven't been very active, and I think I've only chatted a bit with two people there. On my birthday suddenly some people started posting wishes. At some point one of them asked if any of them knew anyone whose birthday it might be. It didn't seem like any of them knew.

Cool synchronicity. I thanked them for their wishes and then more wishes followed.

Realizations

About a week ago I realized that the world is probably much smaller than I've thought. Each thought and action probably has more immediate and direct consequences than I might've imagined.

Though, since the influence doesn't make that much sense to the rational mind, it just brushes it off or comes up with some alternative stories about it. Due to the mind, the path of feedback is cut, which in turn makes us feel more separate and alone than we actually are.

While taking a shower one evening, I suddenly started laughing about some of my worries. It seemed that I had taken "simple" things way too seriously. Should just go with the flow more.

Unidirectional gate

The second half of the past week me and colleagues spent on a yacht trip to a small island. As it turned out, we were the first to visit Abruka this year. It was my first yacht trip and while it was short, it was an awesome experience.

Since then, I've occasionally felt a bit floaty. While eating lunch yesterday, I found the plastic bag around whole wheat bread to be somewhat responsive. Tried swaying it a little, while eating.

A couple of days ago, there was drama on the Discord server again. Since then, I've been having the eye problem again (waking up at night, having to sit and wait for a couple of hours to let the pain subside, in order to get some sleep).

Abruka

The island felt .. different. The woods felt like an indigenous heaven for witches. It seemed a bit surreal and cut off from the rest of the country.

Most of the island was a nature reserve with old trees.

Most of us spent the night in tents in the bushes at the seaside. It was slightly windy, thanks to which there was no morning dew (and it didn't become cold at night).

Dream: Gate

I was walking somewhere in the woods with someone. I can't recall where we came from, but we had to get back to some place by some time. Once we did, it turned out that there was an interdimensional gate / portal which was active at that specific time. We did not know that, but I don't think it mattered anyway. I found the synchronicity / timing to be really interesting. The gate worked differently for each of us - I think we ended up in different dimensions or something, for the other person vanished.

Based on the quick glimpse of the gate, I think it looked as if made of bronze, with some kind of an insignia in the middle.

Dream: Confetti pavement

Not sure if this even qualifies as a dream. Perhaps it was more of a hypnagogic image or something of the sort.

Anyway, there was an unexpected technological breakthrough which improved the friction of pavement. The material seemed a bit similar to rubber, but also quite different in some strange way, and definitely a lot more durable. However, roads of this material looked like made of confetti (which I found a bit awkward).

Wolf

On Saturday morning, the bus to another city was packed with people coughing. Since Thursday I was still feeling a bit sick (a lot of mucus in the lungs, left eye itching, stomach ache, headache), I decided to rest instead of using the multimedia device on the bus.

Saturday and Sunday I spent at grandparents' place. On Sunday there were elderly people visiting. After the event, grandpa expressed gratitude that I had been able to come and that I always seemed to get along well with the elderly. I said: "Well, I guess I'm old too," which caused a reaction like "Pfft, what the heck, man?". On a more serious note, I could relate to one of the old ladies who cried and said she was "tired of everything". I found it curious that she seemed to have used almost exactly the same words which I had used not very long before.

On the bus back home, there was barely anyone coughing nor sneezing in the bus. But the multimedia device in front of my seat was broken. While there was nobody sitting next to me, I did not change the seat. Instead, I decided to look out of the window (without seeing anything because it was dark) and work through the variety of thoughts in my mind. It made me feel a bit uneasy that there was a reflection of the girl sitting in the row in front of me, "blocking the view into the darkness".

Bought an air humidifier / cleaner yesterday. While taking a shortcut to the device, trying to keep a distance to people, a girl with a pierced face walked past me. She looked at me, smiled and thought I was cute. I briefly glanced at her with my classic serious and maybe a bit sad face with all the blemishes in full glory.

On Monday morning I had a couple of interesting dreams.

Dream: Wolf

I was in the front yard of the summerhouse with someone at my left when someone else came running and shouting: "A wolf, a wolf, there's a wolf in the yard!"

The wolf darted past him, and seemed to be running at me. I was glad that it wasn't chasing anyone else there. Grabbed the wolf as it leaped towards my face with its teeth, and started petting it. It struggled for a bit, trying to bite me in the face in some way or other but it eventually gave up. The wolf kept shrinking the more I petted it, until eventually I lost it in the fabric of my clothing.

Dream: A cult

I think I was formless, at least in the beginning when I followed a couple of people walk into a "witchy" building. Witchy because it was made of stone and wood, and looked old. Apparently one of the couple was new to this cult, so the people introduced them to their core principles. Everything seemed okay until they started a ritual or something I guess. Then suddenly everyone in the room turned towards me (did I accidentally take a form?) and started to chant things like "You are one of the ??? Samaritans, you are one of us, one of us" or something along the lines. I have forgotten the word ???, but I suspect it might have been "first", "last", "true" or whatever. Due to the people turning towards me and chanting suspicious stuff in a creepy way, I left (vanished). The "you are one of us, one of us" part I still heard while I was in the void between the dream and waking up. They spelled "us" with a hissing Slytherin 'S'.

Autumn hike

was awesome, too.

Similarly to friend's wedding, weather was nice. Although, the weather predictions had not been all that promising.

Enjoyed the connection with the nature.

There was a clear sky for a moment last night. Figured that since my previous list of wishes had come true, I should use the chance for a new wish. About a second after I had done so, there was a shooting star.

But a few things to post

Each true vacation starts with the traditional stomach flu. Regardless of the fact that I had not been ill for several years again, I also got to enjoy the flu thanks to relaxing the body of all the stress of city life. The cleansing process is not yet concluded, though. Need to concentrate on each chakra and free the remnant blockages one by one. Started with it today morning and nerve pain shoot through various parts of the body, but most commonly through the stomach, lungs or heart.

Re-realized that psi is supposed to be ever-flowing, never really trapped anywhere. However, our minds have been trained to try and catch everything in a jar and use it from there. Psi does not work like that.

Powerful evening

3d since the resize dream, I decided to stand outside at around midnight because the darkness felt powerful. I found it interesting that although the grass was wet, the ground was really warm. The air was also warm, just humid. Figured I wouldn't be able to resize myself physically so I simply enlarged the field of consciousness. This I've done countless times before and I know it works well. Felt the house, and the trees of various dimensions. Managed to distinguish the different personalities of the trees and paid attention to any ideas which I might be getting.

I was fascinated how each day and night could be so alike and yet so very different. The emotions are very different.

It occurred to me that always comparing the size of things is a mental construct formed by the society. A large tree is not in any way superior to a small tree. Each of them has their own spot and serves their own purpose.

There were also several other realizations or re-realizations which I don't recall now.

Old dog

"Scolded" a geezer dog via empathy. The dog became way more quiet since then, and perhaps a bit too depressed imho. I guess this proves once again that old dogs can also be trained just that different methods are needed.

Driving in reverse with a trailer

We decided to cut, chop and move firewood. Took a pickup truck with a trailer and had to maneuver between other cars and objects while driving in reverse. I had not driven with a trailer before but it wasn't that bad. I was, however, greatly concerned by the fact that I could not see the trailer for most of the time. It did not show up on any of the mirrors nor while looking out of the window nor while looking over the rear of the pickup. Unless it was at an angle large enough, I could not see it. I thank luck, intuition and cousin for occasionally showing me hand signs at some tough corners.

Truck drivers have earned a lot of respect for being able to maneuver that well while practically being able to see nothing.

Dream: Museum

A small multi-floor museum. At the top floors they had some kind of buoys for teleporting to various places around the world in order to see the world wonders and such. Grabbed to a buoy for some place in Switzerland. Nothing happened. I let go and teleported to the first floor of the museum. Apparently it wasn't working yet. However, I found the concept most interesting - the museum itself is but a hub of links to all the objects that it's a museum of.

Rough plan

A couple of posts ago I mentioned this girl. Well, I expected to bump into her again in just a couple of days. It's a small town and I've often met old acquaintances right after thinking of them. However, this has not worked on this girl yet. I figured I wasn't ready and needed to learn as much as I could from this experience.

Throughout the first week after seeing her, I tried to use the image for concentration practice. After about 2-3 days of concentration 24/7, the image started to fade. The more the image faded, the more frustration and depression crept in. At first I was able to counter that. Considered creating a construct of sorts to sense her whereabouts. Thought I got a hint of the part of the town where she might be.

During the weekend of the first week, I had become really clumsy so I decided to do some sports. This helped temporarily. A couple of evenings later I thought I saw a bat-shaped shadow flickering against the light in the corridor. Only saw it in the periphery and it disappeared when I looked directly at it. Felt sick, had a headache and could not focus for a couple of days. Hadn't practised concentration for a while, probably strained it a bit.

Exactly two weeks after the event with the explosive empathy, I felt her reach the bus stop, think of me, wait for me, wait for the bus and leave. I couldn't, as my course was still on-going. While her image in my mind has lost some of its depth, I can still feel something within me and it's soothing.

I find it amazing how technically I haven't even met her yet and she has already taught me this much about myself, human psychology and spirituality. However, this has brought me back to an old problem which I used to face in a completely different way. In the old days I could make things difficult for myself and enjoy my ego burn through the hardship if I just detached from those that seemed close. Now I can't detach this easily because it would mean losing the chance to meet someone that's already close without really having met them in the first place. Based on prior experience I've deduced that empathy is probably bidirectional, so I can't just enjoy the pain of being unable to meet up with her and use that for spiritual progress. At the same time, I can't do much to alleviate the situation, either. What I can do, is try to make things easier for myself by resolving my own burdens, as well as to change my attitude towards things. This should make things less painful for her. I'm sorry, for I have been ignorant of the consequences of my own actions as well as the consequences of the lack of my own actions.

One of the realizations a day or two ago was (once again) that everything I think I "have" is a privilege because not everyone has them, they cannot be taken for granted. Thus, I ought to be thankful for absolutely everything that I think I have, as well as to take the best care of these things (for they're not mine). It is a privilege to have a functional body, it is a privilege to see the world in all its colors, it is a privilege to know that a girl like that exists.

I'll try to use the situation for inspiration. A rough plan:

• Remain humble towards everyone and everything,
• avoid whining, ranting, thinking out loud to make it easier to keep the mind clear,
• maintain clarity of mind while working in order to turn work meditative,
• enjoy sports at least once per week,
• practice pranayama each morning,
• meditate each evening before sleep.

Explosive empathy

Vortex on top of the head

A colleague gave a lecture at my course, which in itself is nothing special. Though, she used white slide background and sat in front of the projector screen. I got to witness the translucent cone / vortex that humans seem to have on top of their head. It's barely visible, unless one looks directly over the head of another person and they move in front of a bright background. In such case, the cone can be seen as a shadowy triangle pointing down to the top of their head.

I noticed that it seemed easier to focus on the top of her head than mine. Probably due to some blockages in my system. Found it mildly interesting but left things as is.

Just act normal

While waiting for the bus, an unknown girl in blue jacket approached the bus stop. For some reason, there was an "explosion" of empathy similar to what I've experienced once before. Couldn't find the references though. There were numerous acquaintances around so I tried to act normal, having small-talk while monitoring the behavior of that girl.

She stared and glanced at me while trying to hide it and act normal. It seemed as if she wanted to tell me something that she considered important but couldn't get to it because I was always busy chatting with someone else. She grew more and more annoyed as her stop approached. Ah well.

Tariff-man ..

.. to flip the tables at Wall Street.

Anyway, scheduled an order for buying some more stocks on Friday. Glanced at the wall of green and wondered if I should buy some other shares as well .. probably not, the price is up quite significantly.

Then on the weekend a buddy shared señor Trump's tweet regarding his market wars with China. On Monday all shares were about -5% already in the pre-market. Ah well.

Dream: Electronics

Saw a lot of different kinds of electronics in the dreams.

There was some kind of a simple device made of fairly robust components (old soviet BJTs, electrolyte caps, through hole diodes, etc.) that I had powered up on my shelf. Whenever I touched it, there was an arc of ESD from my finger to the closest component. However, the device didn't seem to mind. So I just poked at it and watched the arcing for fun.

Then there was some kind of a device which had an integrated circuit. I looked at it with quite a lot of zoom so I could poke around on the chip die. Accidentally chipped the die and had to undo.

Not electronics but there was also something plumbing-related (means energy-work) in one of the dreams.

Zombie apocalypse

Somehow got a friend request on MAL and got invited to a Discord server about anime. Even more interestingly, the server actually seems reasonable.

Have been working on thesis recently.

In the meantime I've been entertaining the worldview that I'm alone in this world (no real friends and nobody who's able to understand me or even cares about it). In other words, detachment from the material world and its society. This has helped to both silence my internal chatter as well as to turn focus more inward. Regained a little bit of peace again. Also feeling my own body and mind better again. While this worldview helps to unravel the pain and sadness that has piled up inside, it comes at the cost of some social skills, though.

Interesting how by becoming more detached from the world one gains in empathetic connection with the world.

Dream: Zombie apocalypse

Took a hike to an abandoned house through a pretty spring landscape. I wasn't alone, there was some other person with me.

Decided to camp in this abandoned house but somehow managed to wake a bunch of zombies who then started coming in through doors and windows. With each door that we closed, a new open door appeared.

One of the zombies actually got inside and crawled into an old carpet where it transformed into a bug. Tried crushing it by stepping on it but they're invincible (could only degrade it into a slightly smaller bug). Threw it back out with the carpet.

I started looking for any tools that might help us defend ourselves. The drawers were weird - it was as if they weren't supposed to be opened. Anyway, found some kind of a device that detected zombies. The other person guessed that probably some of the other drawers contained weapons - would be typical but wouldn't want to descend that low.

Our discussion was interrupted by another open door appearing with a bunch of zombies waltzing in. The first zombie asked for berries, and had even brought his own blender for making smoothie.

Us: WTF?

Cat's been reading books

Randomly took a "hobby" project on Saturday and worked on it the way I enjoy working on things. Learned a lot, and I think it gave more meaning back to my life. It restored motivation at the cost of sleeptime.

Had some interesting dreams last night.

Dream: Bus stop

I arrived at a bus stop and for some odd reason, I decided to spend the night there. I had always wondered what it would be like to chill on top of its glass roof. While I knew it was fragile and wouldn't withstand much weight, I still wanted to try it. Some entity told me not to, but I think I still did. Nice spring weather but it was raining, so it wasn't too pleasant to spend the whole night there. Regardless, the bus stop was just underneath a tree (birch, maybe) and I enjoyed the small branches moving around in the slight breeze.

Dream: Chick and cat

Cat approached me with a question. It showed me a picture on a book on the bookshelf. It asked what was the size of this component (strange terminology, I know), and pointed its paw at the picture of a yellow chick. I wondered how I could answer it, for the cat would've had no idea of the SI units. With all its ingenuity, the cat took the shape of the chick and started shrinking. Then all I had to do was to take it on my pawn and say "It's about the size that you are now," when the cat was about the size of a chick.

Dream: Crocodiles

I was traveling with someone. We reached a beach (in Japan, I thought) and I said something (probably "awesome" or "would you look at that" or somesuch) to my companion. As I did, I noticed a peculiar echo.

The echo was highly nonlinear, it changed in pitch and in intensity. It was as if the environment interacted with our presence there and it did not like being disturbed. I've witnessed such places before but I've never really figured out what they're about.

I whispered to the companion about the nonlinearity and that we should probably leave.

Someone else came, speaking very loud. This caused a pretty bad echo and the environment reacted. A couple of crocodiles darted towards the beach and at least one of them was chasing me.

Flew off as fast as I could (about the same speed that I had when tailing the helicopter the night before). After maybe 5 km, I was still having difficulties shaking it off my tail. Though, soon after it stopped chasing me. I was very surprised at how fast the crocodile was.

Today

Not a dream.

Apparently it did rain during the night, and it rained today during the day as well.

Something about me was different today. Got so absorbed in work that I didn't notice anything else around me. Apparently a really dark cloud had popped up for rain. A moment later the sky was clear again and sun was shining.

Happened to make a joke but then at some point I realized its philosophical and linguistical depth. I was sincerely surprised.

When a colleague asked me about something at the canteen, I had a flashback from what couldn't have been the past.

Mild headache

A bit tough to read the books this way.

Watched Flying Witch on the weekend, and found it to be good. Very good character design, good animation, very nice backgrounds and what surprised me the most, it was thoroughly positive (most of my faves are so dark even I don't want to watch them) and yet it was addictive even without deep story.

Random telempathy

While enjoying the queue (it's a national thing or something) at the canteen yesterday, there was a girl from the cosmology dept. in front of me, and an old man from meteorology some distance behind me. The meteorologist has been working abroad for most of his life, so he speaks and thinks a bit strange (in addition to being very talkative). While she did not express it, the cosmologist was annoyed about the way that the meteorologist was chatting with a stellar physicist. As I observed the thought / emotion of the cosmologist, she realized (at least it seemed so) that I was eavesdropping (may have caused it to be amplified a bit). She glanced at me and quickly stopped being annoyed.

That wolf-blood-moon or whatever

I treat the name with ignorance because it's a fashion label that is meant to sound epic but it does absolutely no justice to the actual phenomena.

Hadn't slept too well, so I missed the full eclipse but still ended up "hiking" through the snow to the bus station early enough to witness a part of it. An awesome timing, with a clear sky and the moon descending in front of me and the sun rising behind me. While I wouldn't have woken up specifically to see this wolf-blood-moon or whatever, I'm glad I saw it because it was visible during the 30 min morning walk which only happens like once or twice per week this month. The rest of the time I'm role-playing a bookworm.

Tapestry

For the past few weeks it has been more-or-less a nightly occurrence that I see with my eyes closed. It's usually blurry and lacks proper colors but it's the same tapestry on the wall, or the same corner of the room. Today morning I took a clementine and walked into the living room, staring at the cat on the window sill. Peeled the clementine and ate it while continuing to stare at the same spot. To some degree, I could see the floor and the clementine. Far from perfect but already quite useful (can stare at the cat).

One morning it occurred to me that a several years ago I had a dream / OBE where I entered my body and looked around the room with my eyes closed. I could see well enough that I didn't even need to open them. Enjoyed it until I was pushed back out through the wall (the original inhabitant wanted to use the body). Couldn't find the blog post to reference.

Anyway, currently my room looks very much like it did in that dream / OBE. The poster / image that I remember I mentioned in the blog post, it's neither. It's just a drawing of the Kalachakra mandala that mother gave me a few years ago.

The next night I relaxed the body and focused on the 3rd eye. Ended up focusing on it throughout the night, partially due to the crackling noises that appeared whenever I was about to fall asleep. The crackling noises have become annoyingly frequent. This was the night between Sunday and Monday. Anyway, sleeping schedule is messed up again, in addition to having a mild headache whenever the psi intensity grows too much.

Animated drawers

Took a nap in an attempt to overcome this abstainer's hangover. In one of the dreams I had to test some drawers. The first one was very broken - typical buggy mechanics in dreams. The second one was already a bit more realistic. The third was perfect - I could open and slam it however I wanted, it worked the way it was supposed to.

So, uh, visualization practice, probably. I do hope I wasn't geisting at someone's office.

Rare nightmare

A couple of days ago, I meditated for a moment and visualized a glowing golden field inside and around me. This made me feel better.

Dream: Nightmare

I'm somewhere in a hospital, observing what an old classmate (maybe) was doing. She was analyzing some samples with a fancy-looking instrument. Interesting stuff .. until something happened. Suddenly a field of fear and stress appeared around us. I couldn't determine the source or the cause of this emotion. It grew in intensity very rapidly. I noticed that I was somehow amplifying it, so I flew to the farthest corner of the room (next to some shelves) to keep more distance. The field did not subside. Instead, it reached some a critical level.

Once the critical level was reached, the classmate (I think) morphed into an older lady. Something about this lady was off. Nightmarishly off. She glared at me with a confused look, took a syringe and pushed it through her right temple and out of her left one. Being merely a non-physical entity, this did her no harm but it freaked me out for sure. I was standing in the corner, thinking "WTF, why such a dream .. where does something like this even come from?".

Noticed that there was a faint (barely noticeable) bluish gray tint to everything.

Dream: US tourism with a friend

The previous dream ended abruptly as I woke up. Fell asleep again and experienced a way brighter dream.

Met some sort of a friend in the US and with his car he took me to places. I remember visiting a harbor. I was amazed at the size of it all, and the scenery was just beautiful (sun shining from the side, probably sunset). Everything was really vivid until we reached a nearby diner. He showed me the diner and then he went swimming or something .. with his food floating on the water (typical dream absurdity).

Anyway, it was at least a double-floored Chinese place. The ground floor was the cheapest, with a take-away window. I couldn't figure out how to use the take-away window (money doesn't work right in dreams), so I stepped inside. Saw a colleague walk to the lady at the counter. He was still sleeping and couldn't think straight. The lady shooed him away, thinking he was drunk or something. Then I stepped to the counter and tried to order something. It's a rather difficult task because all the numbers and food dishes constantly keep changing in front of the dreamer. I wanted to order one dish, but ordered another one .. 8 kilos of it or something, I don't know =D. Absurd.

sussch@sussch:~$ make sense

The first dream kept bugging me despite the heavy workday. As a dream, the first dream does not make any sense. Why would a field of fear suddenly just appear without any forewarning (there's always one)?

Visited the toilet, which sparked the bulb of ingenuity. It occurred to me that the first dream would make sense if it wasn't a dream. In that case it would be very similar to dad's OBE ghost stories. If this were the case, then my presence could've freaked out the person performing the medical analysis. The fear could have shifted me away from the realm and manifested as an entity in there. If that's the case then emotions might seem to have very interesting mechanics.

Sorry, I thought it was a dream.

Soft supervisor

Something that was nagging me for a while.

I have a student whose thesis I'm supervising. She decided to take a topic that's not very easy and takes a lot of time to get used to. She has a family and a full-time job, so she didn't have enough time to work on the thesis. I told her that's nowhere enough but I lacked the courage to be harsh. She wanted to try and write it anyway, so I tried to shape it to the best that could be done in such a short time. Luckily she requested for a pre-opponent. I picked an old teammate, who basically demolished the thesis and was really pissed at me for sending him such crap. At least this helped me convince the student that she would need at least twice as much work on it to graduate.

By sacrificing myself, I keep sacrificing others as well. If I cared just a little more about my own reputation, it would help others as well. Basically, it's selfish not to be selfish enough.

This realization helped me forgive to my old teammate. It also helped me understand Hyena, who got fed up with me because I failed to realize something this simple. As a consequence of this realization, I had several dreams where I met Hyena and discussed stuff with him. Haven't seen him for years.

Compassion to LV

Had the nagging suspicion that I had forgotten the most important thing I wanted to post.

Last night before bed I watched some of the Las Vegas shooting videos that I had wanted to check a while ago. Watched the videos and spread love and compassion to the people at the concert. In addition, visualized a shield that bounced off bullets. There's no way to verify if the shield worked or not. However, something interesting happened with the visualization of love and compassion. Literally felt it flowing. At first it drained the chest from the warm psi, then experienced some tingling on the edges of the drained region, after which the production of this energy was increased. Haven't felt that before. Not sure if it was the emotional reaction or simply lack of psi that enabled this sensation.

Grandpa's funeral on Friday. Rescheduled all meetings at work. Then asked a cousin for transportation. He said he would most likely go on Wednesday evening or Thursday morning. Since I had just scheduled all meetings for Wednesday and Thursday, I said I would probably take a bus on Thursday evening. About 10 min later, he says that the plans have changed. He will go on Thursday evening because on Wednesday and Thursday he has some important meetings at work. I'm humbled.

Moody Weather

Mayhaps not as exciting as the previous two posts but weather was a bit moody today.

Concentrated on work while listening to soothing music. At some moment I looked out of the balcony window and it was a sunshine with clear sky. Some time later I got confused about the raining backdrop in a song. It sounded so realistic that I looked at the balcony window and removed the headphones. Although it was actually raining outside, I couldn't have heard it with the headphones on. The song ended and it was sunny again. Stared at the fidget spinner for some time, heard a loud gust of wind. Looked out .. barely any wind. Took a nap and woke up. Cloudy but cleared up in just a few seconds. Then sunshine until sunset.

Managed to fool the cat so that he let me install the leash (about 10% success rate). With effort, managed to take the cat for a walk. Kept staring at the cat while it was trying to hide under a tree. As the darkness settled, at some point there was an empathic connection with the cat. He finally enjoyed sitting there, looking around .. feeling like a ninja or something. Though, it's still evident that the cat doesn't read my mind properly. Took the cat back home and left for shopping. Cat was confused "Do I need to come too or not?" He has a miss/fear relationship to r/outside so I knew I would no longer have to shoo him from the door today.

Sister's theory of uncle's rebirth

The previous post reminded me of a discussion one evening.

Background: One of the uncles died due to brain tumour. He was a musician, who collected ancient songs, rhymes and modernized them.

Sister said that the newborn son of another uncle reminded her of the deceased one. "The decision to be reborn into the family would be so like him," she said. I agreed, but assuming that's the case, I felt sorry for him to have made such a decision.

Imagine being him, reborn so that his sisters are now over 40 years older than him. He wants to talk to them but can't - hasn't learned to speak yet. He would probably outlive all his brothers, sisters, and his own children. Moreover, his sisters singing him to sleep with his own songs. No wonder he would start crying on that (which he did).

Sister pictured being reborn like this as something nice. To me it seems rather harsh - why would anyone want to live a life like that?

Afraid of responsibilities?

Read Steve Richard's "The Traveller's Guide to the Astral Plane" on the bus again yesterday. The section about astral sex, the alignment of bodies on all the numerous planes, as well as the formation of a vortex that pulls in souls from the planes. This answered a lot of questions I didn't know I had .. and made me reinterpret a lot of dreams.

Practised memory recall before falling asleep yesterday. Random numbers, quotes from radio, etc.

Attended the birthday party of an old classmate in dreams. A very nice and bright dream, I might add. Back in school, I didn't think much of him, I didn't like him and he didn't like me. We've only bumped into each-other twice since then. Very random of me to dream of him. Checked and he does not have a birthday today. His birthday is 10 days before mine.

A faint glimpse at the golden fog (I think), at noon. In the evening I re-realized the power of balanced focus. On the way home, I focused on the lights of cars passing by, for perhaps a minute. This brought a moment of clarity.


Found some scenes of "X-Files S01E12 - Fire" a pretty good inspiration for pyrokinesis practice. Unfortunately, Cecil failed to use it for meritorious purposes. Found it interesting how Mulder was pushed to face his greatest fear and how he handled it.

S01E13 brought tears, though. Maybe that's the episode that first got me into thinking empathy was the best punishment against crime. The episode was about a mass murderer, who had turned psychic. He was constantly being tortured by the stares of all his victims from beyond their graves. He became terrified of having to face all of them on death. But that was not enough, he was still treated as a mass murderer and sentenced to death.

I guess my biggest fear at this point is being assigned responsibilities that I'm unable to fulfil. One of the cycles again, as this fear makes it difficult to fulfil responsibilities.

Mystery girl

The previous post lacked space for this detail. Noticed a peculiar young couple while waiting for the nightly bus from home town to the capital airport. A young guy in his 20s with a young girl. The guy seemed normal, perhaps a bit "experienced" for his age. The girl did not seem normal:

• Very shy or afraid of other people surrounding them.
• Albinism?
• I couldn't determine her age.
• I couldn't determine their language (they only whispered silently).
• Fairly fresh tattoo on her left thigh.
• Inhumanly attractive.
• Couldn't pick up any emotions or thoughts from the girl (psychic?).

Moreover, the girl seemed to have reacted to my attempts at detecting emotions or thoughts. It could be that she seemed alien due to me being unable to read her. Typically humans have a set of common memories or characteristics from growing in the community. She either didn't or I failed to sense it. This got me exceptionally curious.

I've probably read too much fiction with conspiracy theories but I started to wonder if the girl has escaped from some underground lab from somewhere .. or if she has been treated as a slave or somesuch. Or maybe an alien human hybrid of sorts. Fun to wonder about but most likely too far-fetched.

Emphasis on intuition

The trip

The Netherlands trip was interesting. I had it so that I would heavily rely on intuition. No GPS, no maps, no compass. Eventually it turned out I had just doubted a bit too much .. and zig-zagged around the correct route :D.

AirBnb host was outstanding. Very caring and helpful. In addition, really luxurious room at very low price. Though, there was a language barrier and it got me confused that she spoke a mixture of Dutch, German, English. So, I sometimes responded in German, sometimes in English .. and sometimes in whatever I had learned of Dutch. It was easier to understand what she meant than it was to respond so that she would be certain she got it correct. A practice of telepathy .. neat. The host also has a dog (which seems to be the case for almost everyone in Katwijk). At first, the dog disapproved my presence, and barked at me each time we met. So I sat down next to the dog and attuned to its level via empathy, after which the dog never barked at me again.

Ambient

Netherlands is really beautiful but I noticed that there is something wrong. Some say it's the weather that easily causes depression. However, at least at the apartment it seemed as if there were a source of darkness somewhere underneath. A knot of old experiences and memories, still lingering there. This seemed like a general issue. Shifted the focus a little, which seemed to have helped a bit. I was a bit amazed at the chasm between what people feel and what they act. But then again, my own life has been a performance as well.

Back

While on my way back, I forgot to show the public transportation card to the reader. Remembered that while standing in check-in queue, and decided not to go back (priorities must always be in-check). Even though I had like 2.5 hours until departure, I didn't want to spend the 15 min in order to save the card. First tried the self-check-in booth. It told me to ask the check-in table from an agent. Did that: desk 8. Stood the line at 8 (took around 30 min), then they told me to go to check-in desk 18, instead. Went there. Desk 18 was closed. Based on intuition, I went to desk 20 (skipped 19) for asking help. As it turned out, desk 20 was the correct desk. Ok, I had lost around 30 min .. no big deal. At some moment I realized that the line progresses very slowly. Moreover, the client service representatives left one by one, without replacement. Finally got the ticket, ran to pay for extra baggage and then ran to the gate. Some other people from the long check-in queue helped me a few times :). Enjoyed running through the crowd at such speed for such a distance. Made it and felt very good. Though, apparently the baggage didn't make it on this flight. Had I spent the extra 15 min on the public transportation card, I might have missed the flight. This whole incident made me very happy.

On the bus back home, I watched "The Maze Runner". It resonated. Although it has quite serious plot holes and logic flaws, it's a very inspiring movie.

The psi thickens

Something is changing indeed. A thicker blob of psi has formed and moves around with focus. Today morning I woke up in a cloud of thicker psi. It seems there's also prana moving around. In addition, I have started hearing music in 3D again (I guess it's not with the ears but with the cloud of thicker psi).

Semi-accidentally managed to upset sister today. Crying made her head ache, which lead me to an interesting thought. The headache I think appears due to dehydration. Now, I've noticed that while stressed, tension in the body also squeezes out a liquid. The liquid often feel cold inside the body and when it propagates out through the skin pores, a bad smell is produced. Some animals, insects interpret this smell as the smell of fear and become agitated. It's as if the body is crying inside-out.

Swaying in the waves of infinity

Took a bus to the capital to use the last chance to see Ryoji Ikeda's "Supersymmetry". First impression: "mildly interesting". I liked the way he presented the idea of particles forming crystal lattices.With lasers and stroboscopic light, I think he highlighted Heisenberg's uncertainty principle as well as the limitations of our technology in measuring these particles (need to take snapshots or integrate). Stepped into the second room. A lot of screens, showing the same thing - what we've learned about the physics of the universe at various scales (probably from Planck's length and time up to the size and age of the universe). Every now and then in the room, there were flashes of light going one way and reflecting back at a different speed. Guide said something about space and time flowing in different directions. General theory of relativity, perhaps? The light cone thing hasn't made too much sense to me, ever since secondary school. Then the pre-experiment tests and characterization measurements were illustrated. Me: "meh". Suddenly the experiment started and something "clicked". I realized the whole exhibition was being shown from the perspective of computers and technology (a sort of sterile, sad an neutral infinity). A sudden boost of inspiration and a bunch of emotions were released. Walked over to the guide again, to listen to the last part. Most of what the guide talked, wasn't that much related to the ideology or philosophy of the exhibition. It was mostly about the art, art philosophy and the biography of the artist. Apparently, Ikeda had managed to remain anonymous throughout the opening of the exhibition. (This made perfect sense to me.) Other artists had wanted to ask questions and comment, but never got the chance. (Somehow my body spontaneously made a sound of scorn. This sort of reaction was out of my role, so I felt embarrassed.)

A short introduction into channeling? In any case, serious respect towards Ikeda's group. The most deep and awesome exhibition I've experienced so far.

About a week ago I remembered the image of an ominous bell tower in the hometown. First time I saw it, I thought it wasn't real because it's not supposed to be there. Anyway, remembered it and had a tough time trying not to focus on it in the mind's eye. For me, the tower associates with a dark age in the present but similar to that during the medieval times. Suddenly it seemed way too easy to accidentally slip through. An "easy" portal to the lower realms?

Hmm .. I think the tower is only visible from two places (or even just one). Either from the church or from an apartment building next to a theatre. The apartment theatre and apartment building have been built on a field, which I remember from early childhood. Walked through the field with Mom one day, and I guess I had previously also visited the place in OBE or something. The place was exceptionally bright with golden light. Perhaps it's just two poles around a center (a mansion with yellow brick walls)?

Not sure what this is about, but each time I visit a museum or art exhibition, I become a bit disoriented. This time two girls went past me on the stairs and commented about the same effect. Each piece of art seems like a portal to a different realm. Perhaps it's this that causes the disorientation and confusion of the mind?