For a while, I had been having a thought which I tried not to finish. Eventually I decided to let the thought finish without cutting it off all the time. The moment it was born, I felt a significant change in energy and saw a shadow dart across the road from my left to my right. It seemed as if the shadow had tried to get the energy, and once it finally got it, it fled with it.
I hope that the damage which I did with it, can somehow be reversed or healed.
Edit: Also worth noting that I had watched xxxHOLiC episode 14 recently. This was about waves, and the power of words.
It's been a while, and there have been a few glitches, in the meantime.
One day I found that the cat had missed the litter box and left a mummy against the wall. I looked at it, and thought that was going to leave a stain which might be tough to clean. I picked the mummy, looked at the stain, and left for the bathroom to take a piece of cloth and cleaning agent. When I returned, the stain had vanished. Maybe the cat cleaned it?
While I was using the broom today morning, Mom said that one day the attachment clamp (or however it ought to be called) on the broomstick had been broken. The next day it was unbroken again. She had thought maybe I had fixed it somehow. I looked at it, and it looked as good as new. I don't think I could've reliably fixed broken plastic, though.
Almost each time I felt a bit sad and sat down to meditate for a bit, a gap appeared in the clouds and the sun started to shine on my face.
On Thursday we had a lengthy work meeting at a campfire place with gorgeous scenery. Targeted a dandelion for photos. Visualized and intended the lighting to make it glow nicely. It was surprisingly responsive. Later decided to take photos of a road on a slope ... and then a colleague happened to walk down the road and pass by. Loved a couple of the photos. The lighting made it look powerful.
Energy intensity has been a bit tricky to control recently. Mood swings.
Sometimes I've felt someone being "dark" or sometimes I've seen something surrounding or around someone. Discussed the matter with Mom today, and she thought it might be karmic constructs from their past life. This could be why some perfectly normal people scare others with their presence, etc.
Received a letter from my neighbour today. Two Christmas cards, one with some awesome dark and mysterious poetry, the other for Mom.
Dad visited with a cake on Sunday. While we were chatting, I practised maintaining a clear mind. At some point, there was a really loud cracking sound. We were all startled, and started to wonder what might've broken. I thought it was the tea jug, but it turned out to be just a strand of hair on the external surface of the jug. The strand of hair legit looked like a crack in the glass.
I failed to find anything else which might've produced the sound.
I think it was Monday evening that I analyzed what it was that sometimes made me feel disgusted about the human body. Some time at night I realized that it was basically something akin to karma accumulated in the body. So it wasn't the human body itself which triggered disgust, I think it was more the non-physical things which had been stored in the body. Moreover, these things themselves were also not disgusting, but rather the thoughts, memories or interpretations which for me associated to these.
In a sense, the body (or any object, for that regard) could be likened to a shelf of mental constructs. Or to an avatar which represents a plethora of concepts. I remembered that I could refresh my avatar simply by concentrating on the feelings which I wanted it to portray.
During the past couple of days, I've been pumping psi up the central channel. Developed a headache at first, again. The heat has also increased quite a bit, and last night I must've had too much energy to sleep through the night. From about 2 AM to 5 AM or so, I kept turning sides, hoping that I would fall asleep again.
A couple of weeks ago, me and mom both felt as if we had had an extra day in the week (somewhere between Tuesday and Wednesday, I guess). Then the week after, both of us felt as if we had missed a day. This week mom also felt like she had missed a day, but I no longer did. For me, this week was nominal.
Another "friend" found a girlfriend. My hunch says it's the real deal for him.
Also, while looking for some photos of Hutchison's old apartment, I stumbled upon a blog of his. His blog had photos of him with a lady. I had always imagined Hutchison as a crazy inventor who has trouble socializing. I suspect that since I had been his fan since like 6th or 7th grade, I had started to associate myself with this image, too. Eventually I think I forgot about the fact that I did, and started mistaking this image for myself.
Anyway, today at some point I felt that the issue had been resolved. I wonder if perhaps this was also related to the clinic dream.
Dream: Fireworks
I decided to face some of my old fears. Had a dream where I found some of my old weapons but as I touched one of them, it caught fire. I knew it would start firing at some point, but I didn't know when. I put it into a hole in the ground, where I thought it would be the least probable that it causes harm to anyone. I also added some bricks and stuff around it, to prevent it from bouncing around or changing its aim.
I ducked and took cover. Then a couple of other people took over securing the weapon. Anyway, it fired like 10 shots and then went quiet. Some of these shots hit the boxes in the apartment but didn't cause any harm, for which I was really grateful.
Dream: Clinic
Last night I had a dream where I was waiting with my eye problem at a clinic. Since the clinic was closed at night, I was just waiting there in the dark corridors. The eye didn't hurt but it was really blurry and didn't function according to my expectations.
Tried visualizing an imaginary gf. It seemed to have worked for a couple of days. The body's healing processes seemed to have sped up quite a bit, and the energy intensity was almost constantly very close to the limits of what I thought I could handle.
Then at some point it stopped working. Eventually I realized my mistake. I suspect that I wasn't capable of visualizing a completely unknown person. The mind probably picked someone who looked or acted the most similar. That's not what I had in mind, so I tried to undo it.
Relaxed, visualized the bond, and then ::blinding flash of light::, and the bond was not there anymore. I wonder if the flash of light was some sort of energy freed from the bond, or maybe I just lost consciousness / fell asleep for a moment and saw a bright hypnagogic image or something? I've experienced this flash of light before but I still haven't figured out what it is exactly.
Something which I've been meaning to post for about a week, but kept procrastinating.
Sister had made a sigil, and while describing what I had read about these, I realized something.
In the N-dimensional consciousness-space, one can move around by focusing on a "feeling" of sorts. Similarly to the analogy of walking in the dark with a candle, these feelings don't point to any particular end .. they're like linked lists.
I think sigils serve as a mnemonic for these feelings / directions. In other words, they're like compasses in the N-dimensional space of consciousness.
In that space, it's very easy to become lost, especially when one finds themselves in a foreign place navigating while asleep. By memorizing sigils in such a way that they would seep down into the subconscious mind, it should be possible to preserve the sense of direction. With a memorized book of sigils, one would basically have a map in their mind.
Suddenly the old tales of witches make more sense.
Edit:
Ah, I also wondered if Tetragrammaton was a square sigil. At some point in history, there was a serious interest in finding the name of the God. It was thought that if one knew the name, then they would obtain great powers. Basically, they would learn the direction to God in the N-dimensional consciousness-space.
If such a direction were to exist, then I think it might indicate polar singularities in that space.
On Thursday morning my left eye felt rather suspicious, so I applied some eye drops again. These only made things worse and I had to ask a colleague to take me back home from work. A short nap made things better again, though. Regardless of the problem with the left eye again, I had to visit the toilet every 20 min or so for a leak. Also had a stomach ache, a mild headache and had to clear my throat way too frequently. Probably side-effects from catching a little cold from visiting the woods the weekend prior.
Regardless, I failed to even compete with the other people on the bus. There was a lot of coughing all around me. Probably people scared of the Corona virus, I thought. I wonder if viruses also compete. That is, if a body is already infected with one virus, would the other viruses wait in the queue?
Visualized swimming in a pool of healing liquid (glowing green). Also visualized hugging worn-out bodyparts with love.
Dream: Body transforming
I was somewhere in some abandoned buildings, looking for my way out. It felt as if the body was transforming according to a beacon signal. The beacon was the sound of birds chirping in the nature (probably inspiration from the weekend in the woods).
Dream: Everything breaking down
Today morning I had a dream where I was packing for a flight to the UK (for some reason). Actually I had packed for a bus trip to the capital city, to visit grandparents.
Anyway, at some point some water pipes started leaking and I had to fix those. Then some electronics thing broke and had to fix that. Checked the time and deduced that there was no way I would make it on the bus in time. Then the ceiling lamp broke and I woke with my left eye watering in pain.
Still visited grandparents. I had some trouble trying to print out the tickets because the phone failed to download anything. Had to transfer the tickets to Google Drive and open from there.
Dream: SpaceX booster crash
I think it was yesterday that I had this dream. I was at the summerhouse when I saw something in the sky and went outside to investigate. Saw a SpaceX booster with a trail of smoke and fuel crash into the trees in the back yard.
Dream: Water reservoir
Today I took a nap and ventured further down a path than I had ever been. For some reason I had always hesitated to go there before. This time I quickly glanced at the warning signs and simply waltzed in through the open gate. There was a person (like a guardian of sorts, I think) standing at quite a distance to my left. He informed me that I had reached the water reservoir, the last thing on the edge of that realm. Fair enough, the surroundings of the water reservoir were fuzzy and only half-formed.
I could not estimate the size of the reservoir because the view was blocked by a fence to my right. I had to get closer to the edge of the reservoir to see further towards the right. However, keeping the distance was what the warning signs had been about. I did not dare to go too close. While I thought I could guesstimate the size of the reservoir, there would've been no way for me to determine the depth. I did not ask the guardian about these things, for dimensions don't hold a meaning in dreams.
Had planned to prepare everything and get a good sleep before the event, but in this I failed. For some reason, I became nervous about the event. To some degree, it felt as if I were preparing for my own wedding. An awesome event.
When I arrived at the point of rendezvous, I started looking for familiar faces but couldn't see any. At some point, a couple waved at me. I waved back and walked to them. They were friends of the friend. Even though we have never really been close, somehow throughout the wedding it was as if we were close friends. They offered me a seat in their car. At the banquet I had already picked my seat when they asked me to sit next to them. As it turned out, my seat was still the one which I had picked, with the new friends to my right.
There was a girl, whom I found attractive for some reason. I was sure she was too young and not my type anyway .. thick make-up, shy / depressed, and seemingly from a Russian family. She never looked at me, and I was relieved thanks to that. I had already taken my seat when the family took seats just across the table. Unfortunately, the girl occupied my view in such a way that I could not see what was going on in the middle of the room without looking straight at her. She was somewhat clumsy and dropped a fork or knife. Later when I had changed my seat and was chatting with another guy, either the girl or her brother (who sat next to her) accidentally tipped a vase on my table.
At the wedding, there were quiz and feedback cards. The girl's mother looked rather suspicious of me. However, her attitude changed when she saw me sketch something on the feedback card. The way she changed, seemed rather strange to me.
In general, I tried to avoid dancing, using the excuse that I didn't know how to dance. Anyway, that girl also didn't dance (nor did she participate in any social activities). Then at some point, my friend's mother told me that there was a girl who wanted to dance but I was the only one still free. So I tried to ask her to dance but before I managed to, her mother and brother took her to dance. So I danced alone.
My discussions with the guy I mentioned beforehand, took me outside the party noise and I did not really see the girl anymore. In the end, I was left puzzled. Was all this just to get me out of my comfort zone and ask random girls out for a dance? If so, then wouldn't there have been a less obscure way of achieving the same result?
Sidenote
I observed the way others danced, and came to the conclusion that very few of the participants actually knew how to dance. It just did not matter. I also found that while the band did not seem to be anything special, their rhythm was so good that I found it challenging not to dance. Which provided all the more reason for me not to dance. Taming the urges of the body with the mind.
Conclusion
Hmm .. Perhaps this was to point out that my idol / ideal is no longer compatible due to my decision to find a girlfriend and have a family. Now that I think about it, by the current design, my idol / ideal would never have settled down with a family.
The recent intentional celibacy fails sparked a few realizations.
Realization 1
One of the realizations was about how my viewpoint of life has been flawed. I had decided to test out this viewpoint since the military service. Alternatively, it could be that it wasn't really a flaw in the viewpoint but just me growing out of it. At military service, everyone else around me was crazy about girls (only good looks were of importance) and they did not really value any of the hidden qualities nor did they value their own self-control.
I decided to reconsider my own values, relax self-control and focus more on girls, too. The more I did, the more I realized how difficult it is to find anyone who would understand me well enough, or would at least value similar traits. Then the dreams related to grandpa started, which raised some urgency in the matter. I realized how different my worldview was from what it ought to be in order to raise a family, so I worked on adapting that.
At some point I considered my worldview compatible enough with raising a family. One day I gave up on actively looking for a girlfriend. It was then that I saw a girl who seemed to be the one. Based on the way she walked and stood, it seemed that she valued similar traits and could potentially understand me. I was very surprised to see that a girl like that actually exists. Haven't seen her since. Anyway, something in me seems to have changed.
About self-control, just recently re-realized that in order to improve, I ought to do things the way they're hard to do. Probably this occurred to me thanks to actually getting a vacation after several years of constant full-time work and full-time studying. While this was somewhat obvious and very well described in Castaneda's books, I don't think it fully clicked back then. Or maybe it did but the worldview which I adapted from military service just wasn't compatible .. not sure but it's also kind of irrelevant. This should also be the key to the puzzle which has .. well .. puzzled me for years: "how to avoid losing the will to improve after reaching one's goals?" If the goal is to seek difficulties to resolve them, then it will be impossible to reach the goals and that would be perfect.
Realization 2
The other realization was about how mind constructs function. I've noticed foreign emotions and thoughts during and following celibacy fails. It's not only "you reap what you sow," but it seems it's mixed with what others have sown. Mind constructs are more powerful and more dangerous than I would have thought. It seems it's quite easy to become obsessed about such a construct, become addicted to it and eventually become possessed by it (or by whatever has been sown right next to it). Again very much like the monsters in Fullmetal Alchemist.
A couple of days ago, I meditated for a moment and visualized a glowing golden field inside and around me. This made me feel better.
Dream: Nightmare
I'm somewhere in a hospital, observing what an old classmate (maybe) was doing. She was analyzing some samples with a fancy-looking instrument. Interesting stuff .. until something happened. Suddenly a field of fear and stress appeared around us. I couldn't determine the source or the cause of this emotion. It grew in intensity very rapidly. I noticed that I was somehow amplifying it, so I flew to the farthest corner of the room (next to some shelves) to keep more distance. The field did not subside. Instead, it reached some a critical level.
Once the critical level was reached, the classmate (I think) morphed into an older lady. Something about this lady was off. Nightmarishly off. She glared at me with a confused look, took a syringe and pushed it through her right temple and out of her left one. Being merely a non-physical entity, this did her no harm but it freaked me out for sure. I was standing in the corner, thinking "WTF, why such a dream .. where does something like this even come from?".
Noticed that there was a faint (barely noticeable) bluish gray tint to everything.
Dream: US tourism with a friend
The previous dream ended abruptly as I woke up. Fell asleep again and experienced a way brighter dream.
Met some sort of a friend in the US and with his car he took me to places. I remember visiting a harbor. I was amazed at the size of it all, and the scenery was just beautiful (sun shining from the side, probably sunset). Everything was really vivid until we reached a nearby diner. He showed me the diner and then he went swimming or something .. with his food floating on the water (typical dream absurdity).
Anyway, it was at least a double-floored Chinese place. The ground floor was the cheapest, with a take-away window. I couldn't figure out how to use the take-away window (money doesn't work right in dreams), so I stepped inside. Saw a colleague walk to the lady at the counter. He was still sleeping and couldn't think straight. The lady shooed him away, thinking he was drunk or something. Then I stepped to the counter and tried to order something. It's a rather difficult task because all the numbers and food dishes constantly keep changing in front of the dreamer. I wanted to order one dish, but ordered another one .. 8 kilos of it or something, I don't know =D. Absurd.
sussch@sussch:~$ make sense
The first dream kept bugging me despite the heavy workday. As a dream, the first dream does not make any sense. Why would a field of fear suddenly just appear without any forewarning (there's always one)?
Visited the toilet, which sparked the bulb of ingenuity. It occurred to me that the first dream would make sense if it wasn't a dream. In that case it would be very similar to dad's OBE ghost stories. If this were the case, then my presence could've freaked out the person performing the medical analysis. The fear could have shifted me away from the realm and manifested as an entity in there. If that's the case then emotions might seem to have very interesting mechanics.
Right after Robotex (previous post), I got a bit sick. Started blowing my nose and coughing a lot. Tried the visualization techniques from "Project Superman" for self-healing. First, a pool of water that glows blue, and provides gradual healing for pretty much no effort. Plunged into the pool, and felt better. Then, for a short while, I "upgraded" the pool so that it glowed red and healed much faster.
The mattress was full of dust mite exhaust. Verified this by taking my sleeping bag and sleeping on the floor for a few days. A heaven unlike anything else I've witnessed during the past few years. No more nose-blowing, and barely any more coughing.
The end of the world (2012) came up in random chat with a friend.
Decided to look up an old post in the blog. It took 30 minutes but I was
genuinely amazed and humbled at the content. I had forgotten most of
the things by now.
One evening (a few weeks ago) when chatting with sister, I suddenly saw her energy field in my mind's eye. Awesome.
Found a conical hole from my astral body today. Healed it.
Last night for the first time, I visited a particular colleague. Actually no longer a colleague, either. I've never actually visited him. On Saturday I think I accidentally caught a glimpse at his soul. A very thick mask that seemingly sets him apart from his family.
Dream: Owl
We chatted for a while in the darkness (well, it was night so it's normal that it was dark), then he showed me where I could spend the night in the living room. He happened to glance at one of the windows and said "Oh look, an owl!" Anyway, spent the night on the couch. He always wakes up early in the morning, so I woke up too. He went to make tea and some breakfast. Started putting socks on and stuff, noticed how difficult it was. The dream / astral body is not really used to clothing, I guess. He came to the living room to ask me what I would like for breakfast, I guess. Then he happened to glance at the window again, froze and said: "WtF, the owl is still there, staring!" The owl was not my creation (it was as if only he noticed it), so I tried to normalize it: "Perhaps they have a nest there or something?" A bird nest appeared above the window due to the positive feedback loop. I disappeared. Projection clock said some minutes past 4 AM. Yep, he wakes at 4 AM.
I wonder what the owl was about. It just sat there on that branch, looking into his apartment. Basically, the owl was the only symbol with a meaning in the otherwise mundane dream. It seems that dream dictionaries disagree about whether it symbolizes just wisdom or whether it's a bad omen. I assumed the former but judging by his reaction, for him it might've meant the latter.
Dream: Eyes
Woke up somewhere, checked a mirror. Eyes looked very unrealistic. Probably because I semi-subconsciously expected them to (realistic eyes are supposedly difficult to model in an astral body). Difficult to verify anything with all the positive feedback loop going on.
A small detail that I've wanted to b-log down but it hasn't really fit anywhere.
Last Friday it felt as if something came from the left. My ears started ringing and at the same time, the trash bin at my right made the sound as if something had hit it.
Rose from bed to look at a bug crawling around on the floor. Started seeing more and more bugs of various kind. All of them carried some kind of an emotion or picture with them, which I think indicated that they're physical manifestations of thoughtforms. Specific kinds of thoughtforms. For example, there were ants that seemed to have had a piece of my mind, acting out some thoughts that I've had. Similar to how some Amazonas tribes started ceremonies where they built mock-up planes imitating the arrival of Gods. The simpler astral entities (in this case, bugs) were imitating my thoughts that I had carelessly just left somewhere.
Oh, woke up for real and an hour later a fruit fly wanted to play, and then landed on the spot where I first saw a bug in the dream.
Random thought: ancient UI
Yesterday evening it occurred to me that I was thinking of user interfaces from a functional art perspective. Perhaps back in the ancient times, user interfaces were art that was functional? For example, a bowerbird (likes to collect blue things) for a data logging application. Its eyes could indicate that it's connected to hardware, its feathers (or their shine) or some kind of blue dots could indicate data acquisition. Hovering mouse over its eye might cause a transparent popup with status and info of the device connected. Clicking on the eye could disconnect the device. Stroking a new line on the feathers might create another data path (new measurement channel or whatnot). And so on, so on.
Random thought: Cyclic time
It was also yesterday evening that I happened to entertain the idea of cyclic time. What if there was no past and future but just an infinite cycle? For example, what if Atlantis not only was but will be (again). Or perhaps the ancient artifacts are remnants of the future?
Pretty absurd, but I think that was one of the ideas referenced in Star Wreck.
In any case, this would put an interesting twist on the concepts of karmic cycles and reincarnation.
I wasn't too happy about my presentation performance at the conference, though.
Nevertheless, traveling always boosts spiritual development, which I enjoy a lot.
The first night at the foreign place it seemed as if there were many entities moving around the place. My bed was at the window and between two doors, so there was a lot of flow through the area. I tried to maintain a somewhat humble attitude. It seemed to have worked for the first night - the entities were protective. Some time later, they turned into demons or something. My own thought patterns were biting me at every corner :).
There was an exceptionally chill dude at the conference. He was usually dressed in random and seemed to have been free from any obstructive thought patterns. A millionaire because his company makes the world's best products in a niche market that's quickly growing more popular. For years, many others have tried but he is still leading the market because his products are still better. Very inspiring.
Inspired, I took out some trash in the dreams. Realized a visualization with pitch black emptiness surrounding a pure consciousness. Some trash still remained, though, at quite a distance from the consciousness. Managed to use this visualization twice, after which it lost its power.
One evening there was someone flying around with a helicopter, circling around (probably around the place where the conference took place) before they flew straight over our apartment at very low altitude. Joking, I said it's probably that chill dude. Googled him and indeed, it seems he's also a pilot.
Would have wanted to visit the megalith temples but barely had any free time to look around. Well, I guess the temples will stay there even when I won't visit them. Small absurd tricks like that, to make it easier for the mind to let go of something that it has grown attached to.
For the past two days I've been standing at the laptop again. Which
has caused a bad habit for the cat. He would try to climb me to see what
I'm working on. With his claws penetrating my skin, I'm not very fond
of it. I've been trying my best at expressing that I don't like it. Sometimes I've visualized my skin being made of steel or blackboard, screeching against the cat's claws and teeth very uncomfortably. Sometimes this makes him go away. Sometimes it doesn't.
Anyway, standing at the laptop for hours makes a full-lotus pose
meditation session very appealing. So, meditated a lot. In addition to meditating, I also slept a lot during the day yesterday.
A few nights ago in a dream, there was a police officer behind a car. In my opinion, he was acting strange. In any case, he wanted to demonstrate some new technology. It was some sort of a lightbeam weapon but not a laser. At close range, it had little to no effect. Its beam converged at a distance and turned air into plasma, which then splattered. To me it seemed rather dangerous and I thought he was using it carelessly. Anyway, he pointed it at about 1 meter from a man at a 100 meter distance or so. It seemed he shocked the man without causing any harm. He explained that the plasma was quite harmless, which I didn't believe. At some moment I thanked him and continued into the building, for a meeting of some sort. I think later I also looked back at the building. It was odd. An exaggeratedly futuristic version of a glass box (with domes and spheres that served no functional purpose).
Last night I tried to OBE. Didn't quite get there .. I think. Nevertheless, in the relaxed state, I sometimes saw through closed eyelids. I saw something black (one of the blankets?) just in front of me, and a bright light just to my right, above the head. This happened 3 times. Also, once I experienced a loud popping sound in my left ear. This reminded me of the bubble construct I once tossed at father's head (which probably felt similar when it popped). For some time, I breathed different. Somehow I was breathing deeply whereas the body was barely breathing at all. Each breath affected not the lungs but the central channel.
Cool dreams. Or, at least some of them. In one of them, I sat up on the bed and discussed something with uncle's widow. She appeared on the balcony and spoke from there, since there's a barrier around the room. I could both see her as well as not, as she was behind the wall and I was a cloud of consciousness both facing towards her through the window as well as facing away from her .. as well as sleeping in the bed. OBE-like, but not vivid enough in my opinion.
Another dream. I'm at home, wondering how to pimp the apartment. Since I'm more-or-less living here alone now. Well, sister is also here, when she's here (currently away). For a few nights I had been thinking of installing a sauna heater in the bathroom. Well, last night as I was explaining it to father, I thought: "What the heck am I thinking? This does not make sense." At some moment, Mom also visited the place. You know how it works in dreams, they just pop up .. without special effects, of course. Also, in the dream I had quite a bit of money on the bank account, so I looked around for a car to buy. Observed them in a similar way (just popped in and around the car as a cloud of consciousness and looked at it from every angle). In reality .. nope, dream .. I found myself observing a car I wouldn't even call a car, similar to the absurdity of the sauna heater thought =D. I don't even. Never mind.
Tired of sleeping, woke up and pulled the phone out of the pocket. As soon as I did that, its alarm went off (latency in the order of 0.1 s). Wow, haven't been that accurate in wake-up timing for .. err .. I don't know.
As I entered a bus today (and fancied about pk and enlightenment subjects), an old lady came and asked me: "How far does it take you?" I didn't get it, since a bus usually takes you as far as you let it take you (depends on the bus stop one goes off the bus, right?). Eventually I answered: "It's number 3." She scorned at the answer and repeated her question, which now seemed like a sentence: "Far does the road take you."
Every time I enjoy a slight breeze, a storm picks up. Missed a bus from work to town again and waited for another one. The stormy wind made it a bit too cold.
Thank you Reddit for Igorrr. I've been listening to Igorrr and Corpo-Mente albums for days now.
Yesterday a part of me expressed respect towards everyone who is still climbing the hill as well as towards everyone who haven't taken up the challenge. Some time later I noticed that the part of me had given up - too much effort to continue climbing.
Today something changed. Used to feel dull and sleepy. Drank 2 mugs of cappucino + cocoa from the vending machine. This made it a bit difficult to maintain proper control of the body. Haven't used coffee for quite some time.
Weather was a bit weird too. The sky was clear and then suddenly in about 15 minutes, it was so foggy that it was difficult to see more than 10 meters. On our way back to the town, something changed. I lost a part of personality (or it became different). On my way home, I noticed that I could see things either the same way as I used to, or in a different way (through the thick overlay that I've accumulated on things with all these years).
While at the laptop, I saw several flashes of light and darkness around me (coming somewhere from behind or above the head). At the same time, there has been a certain calmness and tummo has been perhaps slightly more active.
Practised some Vajrayana last night. It affected the dreams in a nice way, I think. Dreams of first-person puzzles of climbing around and looking for secret areas.
Did not today morning and afternoon, which resulted in a backlash of stress and tension in the body. Noticed some strange effects.
In the lab I somehow managed to hit my right knee hard against the table while trying to step past a chair, I guess. I found it strange that it did not hurt at all, and somehow it looked and felt as if the steel beam had elastically bent around the knee and then back. Interesting.. ..
A colleague provided a lift to town. ::A medium-sized moth slams into the display while writing this:: Walked a bit with his daughter, discussing work and school stuff. There was a sudden change / jolt in the energy field and to her right, two cars crashed into each other. I said: "I wonder if that left a dent." However, it was evident that she had not noticed anything .. it was as if in her world nothing like that had happened. Even more strange was the fact that she didn't even hear I said anything. Realized it was my semi-subconscious design. While writing this down, it reminds me of the dream where she was driving his father's van and I was observing the field-of-view / limits of her creation.
While waiting for a bus, noticed a man that walked past me. Energy around him was red. Very red. I wouldn't say I see energy but he just stood out.
This incident brought me back to practising Vajrayana more. Visited the gym and noticed an effect right away. For the first time, people greeted me. One of the ladies seemed to be behaving differently.
Took a nap. Played some sort of a strategy game with other people in the dream. I think I lost, or at least got to what seemed like a dead-end. Popped back to the game lounge / starting position where each player had chosen their path. Had an idea that instead of charging forward like all the players did, I could've gone to the starting position of another player too. Heard another player walk out of their starting position in the lounge too. She went into another room behind the corner, singing. Her singing was not melodic but had a specific sound in it, which I liked.
It occurred to me that I could perhaps balance out some of the energies. Rushed there and hugged her. Knowing that it's possible to lose it all, I tried to maintain it so that we wouldn't exchange energy but it would get realigned due to its magnetic properties (move upward from the navel).
Everything went dark and lost form. I felt her but couldn't see or hear her anymore. She had become only a blob of energy. I heard and felt my digestive system become alive again and it felt as if the central channel opened up again. Once it did, I thought I let go.
As I woke up in my room, my attention was assembling in the bed slowly. Found myself sleeping in a strange position. Feet were crossed and leaning up against the wall .. no matter I had trouble with orientation, trying to enter the body. At least, that's what I thought. It felt so nice to sleep there that I didn't want to get out of bed yet. Looked around the room. Everything was at its place .. almost. I was supposed to have a laptop on the desk right here, but it wasn't there. Realized I'm not in the right place and realized I still felt the blob of energy there. I told telepathically to let go.
Woke up in my room. I was lying on the bed but rotated 180 degrees, I think. Looked at the table .. a vase with a flower instead of the laptop. I still felt the blob of energy there. I told telepathically to let go, while trying to release myself too. Everything lost form and got dark, then I was whirling around the vertical axis in my own reference frame, in the darkness. Willed myself to wake up.
Woke up in my room. Almost everything was as it was supposed to be (laptop was off, even though I had left it on). It was 7 PM with a nice evening sunset. Stood up, walked to the door frame between my room and the living room. Swept my T-shirt so that it would look nicer, because I saw sister with some other girl sitting in the living room. I drummed on both sides of the wall with the fingers of both hands .. to verify the solidity. It was as solid as it should be.
Also, when I opened my eyes slowly, even the optics of the eyes seemed to be quite realistic (in all of these dreams). Willed myself to wake up .. didn't work, which added to the reality of the situation.
Then suddenly I realized I'm indulging in the illusions. ::Bam, I wake up in my room in an instant, and this time all the details seem to be correct::
This is nice:
The background image looks powerful. Combined with the music, it seems pretty mystical.
Hmm .. yesterday it was crusted peanuts that made me feel tired very quickly.
Took a few naps today and during one of them, an image suddenly popped up and overlaid anything else that the mind was occupied with. It looked like a black cobbler fish on the floor, next to a box of journals in front of the bookshelves. The fish had its head towards me.
Googled it, but only found cooking images.
Ate stuff again. Then it popped into mind that I want fish. I thought father had finished the bag of fish. Checked the fridge and the second bag of fish was still there .. hadn't noticed it, nobody had. Fish made me feel fresh again.
Listened to some more Castaneda's books in the morning. It was about hunting .. and the white falcon. Caught myself thinking "I'm not a hunter". Cross-thought "Can't say that, because I don't know myself. Even though I may not like it, I just may be." Then reminded myself how I used to love fishing when I was little. Now I just feel sorry for fish that I've caught and plants that I've picked or that have been picked for me. In other words, I've basically suppressed the hunter in me.
Launch anniversary, I was reluctant to go at first, but then realized I could re-think it for myself. I could turn it mystical and enlightening for myself. At least that's what I used to do with these sorts of events anyway.
Arrived at the scene. An archery target caught my attention. Helped to set up the target and it was pretty fun. The first time shooting with a real bow (not like the hazel tree bow-wannabes that we've sometimes built during the summer). There were also an air gun rifle and an air gun pistol. Fired a few shots with those too, but found them less interesting.
Took sauna and visited a hot bath barrel. From the barrel, I saw two flashes of light in the sky. Bluish-white and then red. While in the barrel, I felt quite uncomfortable at first, but with meditation I managed to overcome this .. energy floated up the spine and formed a painful blob between the heart and throat chakras.
Looked around and noticed that energy moved up the gable roof, not down (as I've thought previously). Didn't see it, but when I looked at it, I felt it. Also noticed how roof edges affected the flow of the energy. So, a gable roof or a pyramid focuses energy at the top of the roof, creating a sort of vacuum that draws in more energy from the ground. It makes sense that in such a building, energy flow in the body is enhanced also. However, while in a flat-roofed building, energy flow is not stimulated and there's a high chance of energy becoming stale or stagnant. From this point of view, wizard hats now also seem to have practical value.
The concept of always being aware of the death stalking you, or its side-effects are really good. However, this death is not the death that we've grown accustomed to calling death. Indians see death differently. For me, it associates more with the guardian or friend who is always to my left. He guides through the process of being born and he does the same in case of death. Since he's an energy form, he sees through everything that I do, think or feel. He knows all my weaknesses and points them out to me. He's friendly, as is death. It's like a restart to learn to resolve the weaknesses that blinded me on the previous iteration of life.
Stared long at a couple of trees. Saw or felt them very different. Though, can't describe what was so different about them. Just hadn't felt trees from such a world-view before. Anyway, with the darkness and lighting they looked like broccoli.
