Argh .. I'm not that weak

I think I realized the point of pewep's avatar on the forum (healthy body, mind and spirit + the intent or desire to improve all of the three in balance).

Maintained focus on the feeling of this realization for about 12 hours. Couldn't focus on it afterwards, for some reason. The feeling unpacked into a visualization of athlete body full of life energy. This had some interesting effects. It transformed the painful blob of energy in the heart chakra into a tingly pleasureful ball of warmth. The same with other body parts, which the visualization encompassed.

Leaked last night, while focused on the visualization. Almost every time I leak, happens after catching cold the previous day / evening. Thus, I'm inclined to think that the body extracts life force from its own products for healing purposes. Lifeless products are then expelled.

Recently I've realized just how much I tend to lean against weakness. In other words, most of my issues seem to stem from my habit of falling back to my comfort zone. Recently I've come to think that all lack of skill, illness comes from the clinging to a visualization of comfort in disability. It's a perfect excuse. A perfect excuse provides the feeling of comfort and safety for the ego.

I think I'm also slowly starting to realize what the military saying "pain is weakness leaving the body" was about.

Anyway, the last couple of weeks have been pretty tough. All days full-booked with meetings and work. Tons of work, none of it should officially be my responsibility. It's all someone else's work they have not done. This not-taking-responsibility-of-others'-work is one of my perfect excuses. This is one of the lessons that hasn't sunk in just yet. I try to do the chores without whining .. or when I find myself whining, I would boost my willpower: "No, I'm not that weak. I'll do it as well as I can and if that is not good enough, then I'll learn to do it better." The solution is learning to turn _EVERYTHING_ into a meditation, so that I'll start to enjoy everything, no matter what I'm doing. This is the (only?) stepping stone towards the mastery of all there was, is, and ever will be. This is my path.