It was a few evenings ago, while walking home that I realized something about the fractal nature of myself. Suddenly for a moment I saw myself as a bunch of intermixing layers of N-dimensional geometry.
The design of Volvo V60 rear lights caught my attention today. I haven't paid attention to the design earlier. This time when I saw it, I realized energy filaments. My old perspective now seems very naive and simplified. And yet I felt as if it's obvious and I've studied this before.
My empathy has not been doing too great recently, with an exception today. While walking somewhere, I suddenly felt a strong empathy connection to a woman walking past.
For the past couple of nights, I've been working on something in the dreams but so far I haven't understood what it is. A bit too abstract for the ego-mind to comprehend. In addition to that work, last night I saw an aircraft that resembled zeppelin. It was transported to a parking lot in front of a museum and then it disappeared. I entered the museum, found a lot of old hardware and met people I wouldn't have expected to see in a museum.
There was something, which I wanted to post but forgot to. Forgot again.
Remembered again.
When in the process of cleaning, I have found it better to move the focus point around. If it stays in one spot for too long, that spot becomes dirty, which makes it difficult to maintain focus. For example, while I'm focusing on my breath, I would keep focus at a particular spot until I find my mind wandering more and more often each time .. then I would move the focus a little bit more inside the nose (or more outside) and continue with the practice.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Which reminds me .. should go to sleep
Since the previous post, I've been focusing on breath again. Hopefully this helps to melt up that ice-cold crystal in my heart chakra, which feels like it's constantly ripping through my internals.
Something I've noticed. Perhaps I've misinterpreted Castaneda's terms "self-pity" and "compassion". However, to me it seems that they are necessary to some degree. Without self-pity and compassion, one cannot drop their burden properly .. it gradually induces the rambo mentality. For a rambo, there is no such thing as a burden and there is no humble attitude. However, having a moderately humble attitude towards life, realizing the burden and giving it up are very important on the path of self-realization. Both self-pity and the lack of it are ignorance, the acyclic path is somewhere in between.
Recently I've noticed lights flashing around me. This is nothing new, but what I haven't seen before .. lights flashing brighter (as if I were causing power surges in the grid). I guess it could also be my internal flame flashing, leaving the impression that it's the lights that go brighter for a split-second. Saw 2 orbs again today, both of them lifted from near my work desk and went towards the ceiling. One of them was especially bright.
With this focus on breath practice, my internal tension has been slowly decreasing. I've been feeling somewhat tired recently. Either several years of accumulated stress that is being released, or it could be that I've overworked for a week, about 14 hours of work each day (including the weekend).
Last night I had a rather familiar dream. Haven't seen those for quite a while. I had just finished work and found myself at school. We had been divided into pairs. Each pair would have to write down answers to the questions that the teacher asked. I was so tired that once the teacher finished a sentence, I had forgotten how it started. I knew I would be able to answer the questions but I simply couldn't, at least not in this state. Visited the toilet, fell asleep there. Eventually woke up and walked out. We had arrived on an island of some sort and everyone thought I had become lost and lagged behind. Teacher asked me to follow and started hiking up a slope. I tried to follow but eventually there was nothing I could grab from .. the dream ended.
A couple of nights ago I saw sister sleeping and mumbling through sleep. I replied something, which caused her to wake up into the same realm .. so she started describing how she has been, what sort of ideas she has had and so on.
Something I've noticed. Perhaps I've misinterpreted Castaneda's terms "self-pity" and "compassion". However, to me it seems that they are necessary to some degree. Without self-pity and compassion, one cannot drop their burden properly .. it gradually induces the rambo mentality. For a rambo, there is no such thing as a burden and there is no humble attitude. However, having a moderately humble attitude towards life, realizing the burden and giving it up are very important on the path of self-realization. Both self-pity and the lack of it are ignorance, the acyclic path is somewhere in between.
Recently I've noticed lights flashing around me. This is nothing new, but what I haven't seen before .. lights flashing brighter (as if I were causing power surges in the grid). I guess it could also be my internal flame flashing, leaving the impression that it's the lights that go brighter for a split-second. Saw 2 orbs again today, both of them lifted from near my work desk and went towards the ceiling. One of them was especially bright.
With this focus on breath practice, my internal tension has been slowly decreasing. I've been feeling somewhat tired recently. Either several years of accumulated stress that is being released, or it could be that I've overworked for a week, about 14 hours of work each day (including the weekend).
Last night I had a rather familiar dream. Haven't seen those for quite a while. I had just finished work and found myself at school. We had been divided into pairs. Each pair would have to write down answers to the questions that the teacher asked. I was so tired that once the teacher finished a sentence, I had forgotten how it started. I knew I would be able to answer the questions but I simply couldn't, at least not in this state. Visited the toilet, fell asleep there. Eventually woke up and walked out. We had arrived on an island of some sort and everyone thought I had become lost and lagged behind. Teacher asked me to follow and started hiking up a slope. I tried to follow but eventually there was nothing I could grab from .. the dream ended.
A couple of nights ago I saw sister sleeping and mumbling through sleep. I replied something, which caused her to wake up into the same realm .. so she started describing how she has been, what sort of ideas she has had and so on.
Monday, December 8, 2014
Heavy focus
A bit of heavy focus practice happened today. Had stomach problems, so I focused on where it hurt, to release the energy and extract as much of it as I can, before visiting the toilet.
For a moment, I even saw a green flash of light released from one of these points as tension was released. The flash was so short that my brain barely registered it.
For a moment, I even saw a green flash of light released from one of these points as tension was released. The flash was so short that my brain barely registered it.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Dreamspree
Worked late.
Posted a lot of stuff to various forums.
Had a lot of dreams, regarding those forum posts.
Continued with work for most of the night in dreams.
I was at a fancy hotel of some sort, with friends. Tried to sneak behind the rocks at the seaside, so that my friend wouldn't see me from his room on the 5th floor .. just for fun. Walked around with friends, exploring the beach and stuff. Occasionally I used the environment for random training. There was a platform with a railing. At first I thought it's a bit too high for me to reach with that bulky backpack .. jumped anyway, grabbed from the railing, turned myself around and worked some muscles. I was amazed that although I hadn't visited the gym for years, without much effort I could raise my feet pretty high.
Anyway, we walked around some more. Entered some hostel or something. A guide showed us the rooms. One of the rooms was somewhat small .. and to me it seemed there would be cold at night during the winter.
Right when I thought that, I popped into a dark room somewhere. There was a weird furnace / lamp and an old lady, who came to fix it / crank it up. To me she looked careless. She looked as if she didn't quite understand what was going on but probably I was no better. Anyway, she took a replacement bulb and stuffed it into one of the 9 (at least) sockets. It lit up and I thought it was okay but she wasn't happy. She unscrewed the bulb again and put it into another socket (a "broken" one). The bulb didn't work very well there. She then took a plastic bottle with a metal cap, full of water. She put that into one of the sockets and cranked it up. Calmly, I said: "Don't do that!" I thought for sure that the water would vaporize and the bottle would blow up .. water simply isn't enough to cool that short-circuit.
So, she then tried to crank it down again .. but it didn't work. I tried and found that once I had turned the knob to 0 and released the knob, it went back to the value it had before (which was low-power - close to 0 but not quite). So, I figured I'd have to hold it at 0 until its self-sustaining effect was more-or-less extinguished.
However, from what happened before I switched it off, it was evident that I wasn't wiser than the old lady. The bottle did not blow up and water did not vaporize away. The bottle melted away but the vaporized water stayed in the socket, circling around. It resembled plasma and started glowing.
This furnace / lamp scene occurred twice and on both times the same happened.
Later I found myself at a table, drank some juice from a mug. Then someone poured vodka into the mug. Me: "Oh well," ::doesn't touch it, just leaves the dream::
Analysis: the same furnace / lamp theme, which I've seen before. It resembles the internal fire and the way I treat energy. On Shirak's forum, I had posted the following:
I saw some sort of a cartoon video .. icy fields and a couple of wolves. Or so I thought, because due to the way they had been drawn, it was difficult to tell what animals they were. Some time later they looked more like tigers. Then I guess I had been watching the video for long enough .. I was drawn in. At that point, the couple looked more like dragons. Anyway, they entered a tower. I was just .. there .. and tried to fill my time with something exciting. I noticed that the walls had a spiral of grooves and bumps, so I started climbing. After a couple of such circles around the wall, I looked down (slightly afraid that I might slip and fall down at some point) and realized I was climbing an analogy of Penrose stairs.
Anyway, the forum post was like this:
Analysis: Shapeshifting is not just about werewolves and weretigers, it's also more mythical creatures, like dragons, for example. It's likely that I have an affinity for dragons. Also, the danger is an illusion, as no matter how high I climb, I'm still at floor level. See M. C. Escher "Waterfall" for a classical example of the Penrose stairs idea.
Posted a lot of stuff to various forums.
Had a lot of dreams, regarding those forum posts.
Continued with work for most of the night in dreams.
I was at a fancy hotel of some sort, with friends. Tried to sneak behind the rocks at the seaside, so that my friend wouldn't see me from his room on the 5th floor .. just for fun. Walked around with friends, exploring the beach and stuff. Occasionally I used the environment for random training. There was a platform with a railing. At first I thought it's a bit too high for me to reach with that bulky backpack .. jumped anyway, grabbed from the railing, turned myself around and worked some muscles. I was amazed that although I hadn't visited the gym for years, without much effort I could raise my feet pretty high.
Anyway, we walked around some more. Entered some hostel or something. A guide showed us the rooms. One of the rooms was somewhat small .. and to me it seemed there would be cold at night during the winter.
Right when I thought that, I popped into a dark room somewhere. There was a weird furnace / lamp and an old lady, who came to fix it / crank it up. To me she looked careless. She looked as if she didn't quite understand what was going on but probably I was no better. Anyway, she took a replacement bulb and stuffed it into one of the 9 (at least) sockets. It lit up and I thought it was okay but she wasn't happy. She unscrewed the bulb again and put it into another socket (a "broken" one). The bulb didn't work very well there. She then took a plastic bottle with a metal cap, full of water. She put that into one of the sockets and cranked it up. Calmly, I said: "Don't do that!" I thought for sure that the water would vaporize and the bottle would blow up .. water simply isn't enough to cool that short-circuit.
So, she then tried to crank it down again .. but it didn't work. I tried and found that once I had turned the knob to 0 and released the knob, it went back to the value it had before (which was low-power - close to 0 but not quite). So, I figured I'd have to hold it at 0 until its self-sustaining effect was more-or-less extinguished.
However, from what happened before I switched it off, it was evident that I wasn't wiser than the old lady. The bottle did not blow up and water did not vaporize away. The bottle melted away but the vaporized water stayed in the socket, circling around. It resembled plasma and started glowing.
This furnace / lamp scene occurred twice and on both times the same happened.
Later I found myself at a table, drank some juice from a mug. Then someone poured vodka into the mug. Me: "Oh well," ::doesn't touch it, just leaves the dream::
Analysis: the same furnace / lamp theme, which I've seen before. It resembles the internal fire and the way I treat energy. On Shirak's forum, I had posted the following:
I've had my share of geisting, fear of geisting and unbearable energy intensity. I try to avoid pushing it (that I do very seldom). I try hard to keep control one step ahead of the intensity. However, my control seems to be developing very slowly (a lot of internal conflicts that I tend to get lost into).So, apparently I'm mistaken in what I said in this forum post. How can I expect to acquire control if I don't observe the effects? I should've observed what happens with the water, before rushing to sudo-kill the experiment. The fact that I managed to sudo-kill it, means that I do have control at minimum intensity but I'm not letting the intensity to follow my control.
I saw some sort of a cartoon video .. icy fields and a couple of wolves. Or so I thought, because due to the way they had been drawn, it was difficult to tell what animals they were. Some time later they looked more like tigers. Then I guess I had been watching the video for long enough .. I was drawn in. At that point, the couple looked more like dragons. Anyway, they entered a tower. I was just .. there .. and tried to fill my time with something exciting. I noticed that the walls had a spiral of grooves and bumps, so I started climbing. After a couple of such circles around the wall, I looked down (slightly afraid that I might slip and fall down at some point) and realized I was climbing an analogy of Penrose stairs.
Anyway, the forum post was like this:
Have you read this:
http://www.furnation.com/LanceFoxx/thesasebopshift.html
A friend is seriously interested in werewolves and has had an encounter with a weretiger.
Personally I know werewolves must be real but I'm too afraid to try it out myself. I think I'm more afraid of metamorphosis than phasing, teleporting or time travel. However, most likely my fears simply lack a solid foundation (probably sources from a book that was compulsory back in primary school). Perhaps after having a form for years, the body would default back to its original form .. unless something goes seriously wrong.
Analysis: Shapeshifting is not just about werewolves and weretigers, it's also more mythical creatures, like dragons, for example. It's likely that I have an affinity for dragons. Also, the danger is an illusion, as no matter how high I climb, I'm still at floor level. See M. C. Escher "Waterfall" for a classical example of the Penrose stairs idea.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Imprisoned
For the whole night I was stuck / imprisoned. I didn't have a good idea how to break out and escape.
The environment was like a designed dungeon with a lot of NPC's always watching every move. The population density of NPC's was always around a certain area. It would've seemed as if they were there to fight against .. but they were too strong for that. Also, they were only aggressive when I tried to enter the zone that they were protecting. Each time there was another person with me, looking for weak points in the environment.
After studying the environment (new environment each time), the only idea left was to practice astral travel. The only way out of the environment seemed to be without the dream body. However, my astral travels only last for a limited amount of time and after that I'm back to where I started.
Anyway, I sat down, meditated and flew through the wall. Fell down through several balconies, until I got attuned to the environment. Flew around between the buildings a little .. until I noticed a tree behind one of them. Flew over the building and towards the tree. Grabbed the tree and tried to feel it the best I could. The environment changed, the buildings disappeared and there was now a pretty landscape with sun shining through the trees. A depressed entity appeared. Had a chat with him, trying to cheer him up .. until I remembered the sad truth that I'm stuck myself, at which point I disappeared from there.
The environment was like a designed dungeon with a lot of NPC's always watching every move. The population density of NPC's was always around a certain area. It would've seemed as if they were there to fight against .. but they were too strong for that. Also, they were only aggressive when I tried to enter the zone that they were protecting. Each time there was another person with me, looking for weak points in the environment.
After studying the environment (new environment each time), the only idea left was to practice astral travel. The only way out of the environment seemed to be without the dream body. However, my astral travels only last for a limited amount of time and after that I'm back to where I started.
Anyway, I sat down, meditated and flew through the wall. Fell down through several balconies, until I got attuned to the environment. Flew around between the buildings a little .. until I noticed a tree behind one of them. Flew over the building and towards the tree. Grabbed the tree and tried to feel it the best I could. The environment changed, the buildings disappeared and there was now a pretty landscape with sun shining through the trees. A depressed entity appeared. Had a chat with him, trying to cheer him up .. until I remembered the sad truth that I'm stuck myself, at which point I disappeared from there.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
A faint glimpse at tummo
Yesterday evening my mind relaxed and I just touched the mirror with my mind, trying to feel it both as a liquid as well as a solid. Touched it tens of times before I lost interest in it.
Also noticed the sensation of tummo last night. Grabbed and focused on it. It was weak but the sensation was familiar (although I haven't gotten to practising tummo previously in this life). The sensation was very hot but at the same time moist (without this, the heat might damage the body). While focused on it, pain was being released from body parts that I thought were relaxed.
Probably leaped too far ahead with this tummo thing (still having blockages somewhere in the body), since I leaked a remarkable amount of energy later that night. Woke up but couldn't stop it, so I just waited until it stopped on its own, while trying to spread the remaining energy throughout the body.
Suddenly I started practising OBE from within the dreams, without even being lucid. I would just picture a random scene and fly in, trying to attune to the environment.
Today I became rather stressed at some point. Then somehow I took it back and turned it inside .. stress was gone in less than a split-second.
For the past few days I've been having a lot of flashbacks .. seeing the world from viewpoints that I wouldn't have been able to even imagine existed.
Also noticed the sensation of tummo last night. Grabbed and focused on it. It was weak but the sensation was familiar (although I haven't gotten to practising tummo previously in this life). The sensation was very hot but at the same time moist (without this, the heat might damage the body). While focused on it, pain was being released from body parts that I thought were relaxed.
Probably leaped too far ahead with this tummo thing (still having blockages somewhere in the body), since I leaked a remarkable amount of energy later that night. Woke up but couldn't stop it, so I just waited until it stopped on its own, while trying to spread the remaining energy throughout the body.
Suddenly I started practising OBE from within the dreams, without even being lucid. I would just picture a random scene and fly in, trying to attune to the environment.
Today I became rather stressed at some point. Then somehow I took it back and turned it inside .. stress was gone in less than a split-second.
For the past few days I've been having a lot of flashbacks .. seeing the world from viewpoints that I wouldn't have been able to even imagine existed.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Spontaneous happiness
For the past couple of days I've been focusing on releasing the habit of tension. Had to do it, because I got cold for pretty much whole Saturday and I know what happens if I don't release the tension during nor after that (that's illness and eventually death).
Yesterday I noticed that I felt at least 1.5x lighter and more agile than before. The root chakra region still feels sore. It's been sore for at least half a week or so.
Today I suddenly got waves of heat going up the body and found spontaneous happiness. Not much, but it made a difference. Also, everyone around me was more happy as well. Not much, but it had an impact.
Yesterday I noticed that I felt at least 1.5x lighter and more agile than before. The root chakra region still feels sore. It's been sore for at least half a week or so.
Today I suddenly got waves of heat going up the body and found spontaneous happiness. Not much, but it made a difference. Also, everyone around me was more happy as well. Not much, but it had an impact.
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