Leaked energy today morning .. but into my nerve system, this time (didn't manifest physically).
Woke up on someone else's alarm. Perhaps sister had forgotten her phone in the living room. Nice timing, because for some reason, my own alarm hadn't gone off (should've done so in -10 min or so).
On the way back home, I stared out of the car window and saw the flow of energy for a couple of times for a brief moment. It has been a while. While walking home, I passed a building, behind which there was an old shed. The shed had an ominous feeling about it. In a second, a cloud hid the sun and I had a strange mood. A couple of blocks later, I think I managed to overcome it.
Focused on lifting energy up the spine. This boosted digestion remarkably. Noticed that as I passed a tree, the lifting sensation was powered up quite a bit. It's as if trees also have an up-flow of energy. Yet, somehow sometimes my consciousness descended while I was focused on lifting energy underneath a tree. Tree branches lifted (or at least looked like it), though.
I've been seeing bright blue flashes again (at the center of sight), especially when I relax or release tension.
Monday, May 11, 2015
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Deep and personal
Took a nap during the day. In one of the dreams, there was a huge
construction work going on for me. Huge fields of planned buildings, terraces,
bridges and what not. A guy who had planned most of it, mentioned an
issue that once the bridge would be nearly finished, it would make it
difficult for the cement truck to approach a specific sector on the
construction place. There was a crane to my right, for
lifting bridge blocks. Although I could constantly feel the
danger of my actions (very easy to fall or to cause something to fall
apart), I decided to do something that I hadn't done before. I climbed
the crane and started pulling a couple of pole structures closer to the
crane (perhaps to make room for the cement truck to approach from this
side?). There was some sort of a mechanism that locked the poles so that
they wouldn't fall over. Strangely enough, it only locked into place
when I let go (seemed like a very dangerous thing to do, at least
according to the rational mind). Did this several times, until I had moved the poles close enough.
After reading Torres' books and two Castaneda's ones, Castaneda's "Journey to Ixtlan" has made me feel uneasy for several times (unlike the previous books). Ego often feels threatened by the stories. While reading / listening, I've somehow gotten so deep into it that it has started to feel very personal. At times I've considered leaving the old man rambling and to just start walking away in a random direction. The one who retreats from a pointless argument is the wiser one .. or at least, that's how I've been taught. However, in this occasion, retreating would mean giving up the chance to change myself. From this perspective, it would be wiser to sit it through, observing all emotions that may surface during the argument and not give in to any. Then, perhaps the old man starts to feel stupid instead .. ego thinks. This is all stupid, though, because I'm only listening to an audio book and logically there should be no reason for the ego to feel offended whatsoever .. because the book is in no way related to the ego. Very interesting reactions, in my opinion .. definitely worth recapitulating.
After reading Torres' books and two Castaneda's ones, Castaneda's "Journey to Ixtlan" has made me feel uneasy for several times (unlike the previous books). Ego often feels threatened by the stories. While reading / listening, I've somehow gotten so deep into it that it has started to feel very personal. At times I've considered leaving the old man rambling and to just start walking away in a random direction. The one who retreats from a pointless argument is the wiser one .. or at least, that's how I've been taught. However, in this occasion, retreating would mean giving up the chance to change myself. From this perspective, it would be wiser to sit it through, observing all emotions that may surface during the argument and not give in to any. Then, perhaps the old man starts to feel stupid instead .. ego thinks. This is all stupid, though, because I'm only listening to an audio book and logically there should be no reason for the ego to feel offended whatsoever .. because the book is in no way related to the ego. Very interesting reactions, in my opinion .. definitely worth recapitulating.
Black cobbler fish
Hmm .. yesterday it was crusted peanuts that made me feel tired very quickly.
Took a few naps today and during one of them, an image suddenly popped up and overlaid anything else that the mind was occupied with. It looked like a black cobbler fish on the floor, next to a box of journals in front of the bookshelves. The fish had its head towards me.
Googled it, but only found cooking images.
Ate stuff again. Then it popped into mind that I want fish. I thought father had finished the bag of fish. Checked the fridge and the second bag of fish was still there .. hadn't noticed it, nobody had. Fish made me feel fresh again.
Listened to some more Castaneda's books in the morning. It was about hunting .. and the white falcon. Caught myself thinking "I'm not a hunter". Cross-thought "Can't say that, because I don't know myself. Even though I may not like it, I just may be." Then reminded myself how I used to love fishing when I was little. Now I just feel sorry for fish that I've caught and plants that I've picked or that have been picked for me. In other words, I've basically suppressed the hunter in me.
Launch anniversary, I was reluctant to go at first, but then realized I could re-think it for myself. I could turn it mystical and enlightening for myself. At least that's what I used to do with these sorts of events anyway.
Arrived at the scene. An archery target caught my attention. Helped to set up the target and it was pretty fun. The first time shooting with a real bow (not like the hazel tree bow-wannabes that we've sometimes built during the summer). There were also an air gun rifle and an air gun pistol. Fired a few shots with those too, but found them less interesting.
Took sauna and visited a hot bath barrel. From the barrel, I saw two flashes of light in the sky. Bluish-white and then red. While in the barrel, I felt quite uncomfortable at first, but with meditation I managed to overcome this .. energy floated up the spine and formed a painful blob between the heart and throat chakras.
Looked around and noticed that energy moved up the gable roof, not down (as I've thought previously). Didn't see it, but when I looked at it, I felt it. Also noticed how roof edges affected the flow of the energy. So, a gable roof or a pyramid focuses energy at the top of the roof, creating a sort of vacuum that draws in more energy from the ground. It makes sense that in such a building, energy flow in the body is enhanced also. However, while in a flat-roofed building, energy flow is not stimulated and there's a high chance of energy becoming stale or stagnant. From this point of view, wizard hats now also seem to have practical value.
The concept of always being aware of the death stalking you, or its side-effects are really good. However, this death is not the death that we've grown accustomed to calling death. Indians see death differently. For me, it associates more with the guardian or friend who is always to my left. He guides through the process of being born and he does the same in case of death. Since he's an energy form, he sees through everything that I do, think or feel. He knows all my weaknesses and points them out to me. He's friendly, as is death. It's like a restart to learn to resolve the weaknesses that blinded me on the previous iteration of life.
Stared long at a couple of trees. Saw or felt them very different. Though, can't describe what was so different about them. Just hadn't felt trees from such a world-view before. Anyway, with the darkness and lighting they looked like broccoli.
Took a few naps today and during one of them, an image suddenly popped up and overlaid anything else that the mind was occupied with. It looked like a black cobbler fish on the floor, next to a box of journals in front of the bookshelves. The fish had its head towards me.
Googled it, but only found cooking images.
Ate stuff again. Then it popped into mind that I want fish. I thought father had finished the bag of fish. Checked the fridge and the second bag of fish was still there .. hadn't noticed it, nobody had. Fish made me feel fresh again.
Listened to some more Castaneda's books in the morning. It was about hunting .. and the white falcon. Caught myself thinking "I'm not a hunter". Cross-thought "Can't say that, because I don't know myself. Even though I may not like it, I just may be." Then reminded myself how I used to love fishing when I was little. Now I just feel sorry for fish that I've caught and plants that I've picked or that have been picked for me. In other words, I've basically suppressed the hunter in me.
Launch anniversary, I was reluctant to go at first, but then realized I could re-think it for myself. I could turn it mystical and enlightening for myself. At least that's what I used to do with these sorts of events anyway.
Arrived at the scene. An archery target caught my attention. Helped to set up the target and it was pretty fun. The first time shooting with a real bow (not like the hazel tree bow-wannabes that we've sometimes built during the summer). There were also an air gun rifle and an air gun pistol. Fired a few shots with those too, but found them less interesting.
Took sauna and visited a hot bath barrel. From the barrel, I saw two flashes of light in the sky. Bluish-white and then red. While in the barrel, I felt quite uncomfortable at first, but with meditation I managed to overcome this .. energy floated up the spine and formed a painful blob between the heart and throat chakras.
Looked around and noticed that energy moved up the gable roof, not down (as I've thought previously). Didn't see it, but when I looked at it, I felt it. Also noticed how roof edges affected the flow of the energy. So, a gable roof or a pyramid focuses energy at the top of the roof, creating a sort of vacuum that draws in more energy from the ground. It makes sense that in such a building, energy flow in the body is enhanced also. However, while in a flat-roofed building, energy flow is not stimulated and there's a high chance of energy becoming stale or stagnant. From this point of view, wizard hats now also seem to have practical value.
The concept of always being aware of the death stalking you, or its side-effects are really good. However, this death is not the death that we've grown accustomed to calling death. Indians see death differently. For me, it associates more with the guardian or friend who is always to my left. He guides through the process of being born and he does the same in case of death. Since he's an energy form, he sees through everything that I do, think or feel. He knows all my weaknesses and points them out to me. He's friendly, as is death. It's like a restart to learn to resolve the weaknesses that blinded me on the previous iteration of life.
Stared long at a couple of trees. Saw or felt them very different. Though, can't describe what was so different about them. Just hadn't felt trees from such a world-view before. Anyway, with the darkness and lighting they looked like broccoli.
Friday, May 8, 2015
Tired clarity
Slept with the balcony door open, to get some fresh air. Woke sleepy but couldn't sleep any longer. Had a hard time trying to recover the clarity from yesterday. Then suddenly felt tired today.
Took a nap, then another one. Remained fully conscious throughout the naps, but they didn't help me overcome exhaustion.
Took a nap, then another one. Remained fully conscious throughout the naps, but they didn't help me overcome exhaustion.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Sexual energy went berserk
Sexual energy started pushing two days ago and went berserk yesterday. It bubbled up all sorts of emotions, which I observed without action. Laid down and tried to relax and let go of whatever I thought I was holding onto. This helped perhaps a little .. but the pain / heat / pleasure at the tailbone was still there and didn't want to leave. Leaked a little during the night.
Today I realized I had messed up with my recapitulation a little. I had semi-subconsciously also applied stasis field, while trying to resolve the issue with sexual energy. At least partially, the problem was caused or enhanced by the stasis. It's important not to slow down energy flow, while observing it.
Today morning I woke up to the signal of someone / something twitching the fingers on my left hand. Checked the phone .. 5 minutes before the alarm. This twitch occurred in such a mind-state that it helped me remember the dreams better.
Drank too much coffee (2 half-cups of cappuccino) at work today. Lost the ability to focus for a moment. Inspired by Castaneda's books, I tried to feel the properties of the coffee (why it has such an effect, why people drink it, what's its personality like - in case personified and so on..). Then tried recapitulation on it. Some time later I felt different (not sure it's related to coffee at all).
I did something on a semi-subconscious layer of mind and anxiety transformed somehow. It became hollow and stayed that way. Somehow I started seeing hardships as challenges I was really looking forward to. The blocker had become transparent and I could see nature from a different perspective. Actually this somewhat worked already yesterday .. after a specific moment, the bubbled emotions turned into passion and I realized how much I loved the issues that at first had seemed frustrating. But then again, these things don't happen overnight .. and claiming so would be ignorant (one of the mistakes I did several years ago, before restarting the cycle). I acknowledge the hard work and keep going.
Today I realized I had messed up with my recapitulation a little. I had semi-subconsciously also applied stasis field, while trying to resolve the issue with sexual energy. At least partially, the problem was caused or enhanced by the stasis. It's important not to slow down energy flow, while observing it.
Today morning I woke up to the signal of someone / something twitching the fingers on my left hand. Checked the phone .. 5 minutes before the alarm. This twitch occurred in such a mind-state that it helped me remember the dreams better.
Drank too much coffee (2 half-cups of cappuccino) at work today. Lost the ability to focus for a moment. Inspired by Castaneda's books, I tried to feel the properties of the coffee (why it has such an effect, why people drink it, what's its personality like - in case personified and so on..). Then tried recapitulation on it. Some time later I felt different (not sure it's related to coffee at all).
I did something on a semi-subconscious layer of mind and anxiety transformed somehow. It became hollow and stayed that way. Somehow I started seeing hardships as challenges I was really looking forward to. The blocker had become transparent and I could see nature from a different perspective. Actually this somewhat worked already yesterday .. after a specific moment, the bubbled emotions turned into passion and I realized how much I loved the issues that at first had seemed frustrating. But then again, these things don't happen overnight .. and claiming so would be ignorant (one of the mistakes I did several years ago, before restarting the cycle). I acknowledge the hard work and keep going.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Partially out of body
Remembered that two nights ago after a recapitulation session, the throat and 3rd eye chakras popped open and closed every few minutes. Enjoyed looking around the room in the darkness, with my eyes closed for some time.
Last night I woke halfway out of body in a dream-like environment. While the environment was dream-like (misplaced chairs that transformed into a mirror image of the bed and what-not), my sensations seemed vivid. I couldn't move the left side of the body, whereas the right side of my body was just numb and buzzing. I stood up and looked at the body. My right side was in the left side of the body .. and the right side of the body was just there, lifeless. My left side was there, to the left of the body, out of it. It was not tangible nor visible, but I could feel it .. just couldn't move it normally. Quite weird.
I guess the dreams were amazing too .. just that I've forgotten them. My eyes were really tired today morning. Did some work, then slept at least an hour more, then continued with work.
Practised recapitulation during a 1.5 hour walk. While coming back, a bunch of energy shot up and left .. causing the body to jolt and shiver. Consciousness shifted upward for a moment, then returned and I yawned once. Hmm.. .. . ..
Recently I've had a lot of flashbacks, each with interesting information and slightly foreign viewpoints on the world.
Last night I woke halfway out of body in a dream-like environment. While the environment was dream-like (misplaced chairs that transformed into a mirror image of the bed and what-not), my sensations seemed vivid. I couldn't move the left side of the body, whereas the right side of my body was just numb and buzzing. I stood up and looked at the body. My right side was in the left side of the body .. and the right side of the body was just there, lifeless. My left side was there, to the left of the body, out of it. It was not tangible nor visible, but I could feel it .. just couldn't move it normally. Quite weird.
I guess the dreams were amazing too .. just that I've forgotten them. My eyes were really tired today morning. Did some work, then slept at least an hour more, then continued with work.
Practised recapitulation during a 1.5 hour walk. While coming back, a bunch of energy shot up and left .. causing the body to jolt and shiver. Consciousness shifted upward for a moment, then returned and I yawned once. Hmm.. .. . ..
Recently I've had a lot of flashbacks, each with interesting information and slightly foreign viewpoints on the world.
Surface dreams
Hyena shared Castaneda's audio books with me. Started listening to "The teachings of Don Juan" yesterday and it's amazing. Peter Coyote tells it so well.
Slightly less than a week ago I had a dream where some guy at the street was shooting at me. It was night and the streets were empty. Ducked in the shadow of a car for some time (until I thought he had cleared the magazine). I knew I barely had enough energy to protect myself (perhaps just barely enough to maybe scare him off), so I took my willpower and swooped towards him. He hid in a sea container. Flying, I tore through the container wall and looked at him .. then the dream ended. With a blank mind, he was staring at me, terrified.
There haven't been many dreams that I've remembered or that have stood out. Perhaps one weird dream did stand out. I was floating around as a cloud, observing a situation from multiple angles. There were three people at a house. They were calmly waiting for someone who was supposed to come there. That someone appeared as a mouse. He was happy to bring great news, but right when he was about to share the news, one of the three people took a bow and shot through the two eyes of the mouse. This shocked me and the mouse. I think I tried to revive it and heal it.
From dream dictionary:
I want to integrate recapitulation into everything I do again. Whenever I detect emotions or internal tension increasing, I would focus on observing the situation without participation.
On Friday or Saturday morning, I realized I heard father's thoughts. Previously I've known the thoughts of other people, but haven't heard them directly like that.
Slightly less than a week ago I had a dream where some guy at the street was shooting at me. It was night and the streets were empty. Ducked in the shadow of a car for some time (until I thought he had cleared the magazine). I knew I barely had enough energy to protect myself (perhaps just barely enough to maybe scare him off), so I took my willpower and swooped towards him. He hid in a sea container. Flying, I tore through the container wall and looked at him .. then the dream ended. With a blank mind, he was staring at me, terrified.
There haven't been many dreams that I've remembered or that have stood out. Perhaps one weird dream did stand out. I was floating around as a cloud, observing a situation from multiple angles. There were three people at a house. They were calmly waiting for someone who was supposed to come there. That someone appeared as a mouse. He was happy to bring great news, but right when he was about to share the news, one of the three people took a bow and shot through the two eyes of the mouse. This shocked me and the mouse. I think I tried to revive it and heal it.
From dream dictionary:
To see mice in your dream indicates that you are spending too much time dwelling on minor problems and insignificant matters.A few days ago I started working on recapitulation again. One night I got so deep into reliving specific moments of the past, that I had to stop it to also get some sleep before the morning. Realized it was the lack of recapitulation that caused the stomach problems .. or rather, there are too many problems to digest. So, I'll just have to undo some of them.
To see mice feeding or eating in your dream suggests that someone is trying to bring down your self-confidence. Someone may be nipping away at your resources.
I want to integrate recapitulation into everything I do again. Whenever I detect emotions or internal tension increasing, I would focus on observing the situation without participation.
On Friday or Saturday morning, I realized I heard father's thoughts. Previously I've known the thoughts of other people, but haven't heard them directly like that.
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