Me cry rivers

Took a nap. In the mind's eye, something portal-like appeared above the body, shining on it. It lead somewhere into the astral. Widened it a little and tried to maintain it for as long as I could. It was warm, blissful and helped to heal the old scars of pneumonia.

It's pretty common to hear all sorts of voices at the hypnagogic stages. However, one of them stood out. Someone asked me if I wanted something to eat. I implied: "No, thank you," without actually saying anything. It was the way they asked this, which made it special.

Remembered that in the evening, when I found I had barely eaten anything today and went into the kitchen to make something to eat.

Some of you may know the feeling when Mom has prepared delicious dinner. She would ask children to dinner. She would love the children no matter what they thought about themselves, no matter what they did. No prejudices, no second thoughts, nothing, just .. pure love. Well, grandma is like that. One week of summer holiday was a bit too short to visit her. Just one week of holiday (out of town, somewhere in the nature) for several years really packs a punch, though.

Anyway, remembered the feeling from that daily nap and when I noticed the contrast of how that someone saw me and how I saw myself, tears started flying.

I always think I'm a macho with superpowers or something, who wouldn't have to eat, sleep, who would never become ill, who would only die at will, who doesn't need anyone to care about him nor anyone to love him, who can live alone for several lifetimes, who would always be perfect and never make any mistakes... this list could go on for eternity. Since I haven't been able to fulfill most of these in the list, I haven't been exactly proud of myself. I have even become blind to everything else.

So, there's the contrast. Someone offering something for me to eat out of sincere love. I see myself as a scum not worthy of food. I thought I had already overcome this issue .. so, in a way, this would only prove that I'm even less use to myself than I used to think. This is the problem that I was born with, the problem that I've tried to overcome in so many ways, all of which have been temporary so far. I even know the solution, but haven't been able to do it yet. I need to develop unconditional love towards myself. The problem is that's an effect, not a cause. Resolving the effect only has a temporary effect. Somewhere within there's the cause, which I'll have to find and sort out.

From one of those discussions within the mind:
- Someone: Live your own teachings