Will do this

Although there is no time, I feel like posting at least a summary of events.
I'm more-or-less left alone on the project, so need to do the full-time job of at least 3 people. Regardless of the fact that the crunchtime marathon has gone on for months already.

The way to cope with this is: f*cuk it, I will do this. As deep absorptive focus as possible, on the task at hand. Then at night or during breaks, relax the mind and every muscle of the body. It's also important to have the state of mind that "This is the current status of things. I have the chance to make things even better." In other words, there are no bad situations, there are only situations that can be improved.

For one, this has gotten OBEs and lucid dreams going. Also, it has become easier to maintain celibacy.

Learning the elements

One night I decided that I would fly about till the morning, so perhaps some of it would stick when I woke up. Flew a lot, but a moment later I was interrupted. I was shown to some exercise grounds. I understood that in addition to just flying around, I would need to learn different elements. The environment was unearthly - unrecognizable flowers, unrecognizable animals. There were some kind of circular plates in the ground, each with a picture on it. I guess I passed the first one (or first two) so quickly I didn't even notice what they were. There I was, with the symbol of the previous plate in my right hand, standing in front of another plate. The plate had the shape of a mountain and some arcs symbolizing water. I put the symbol from my right hand on top, and started finger-painting it out so that the original image would be restored. It was like finger-painting in mud with different colours. Finished, I walked past a puddle, went uphill and noticed a more reddish zone to my right. In these exercise grounds, one could not just move from one zone to another. One had to enter through a chain of portals that might lead to the next zone if allowed to. While walking along the fence of the zone to my right, I heard something walking behind me. Turned around and saw two animals that looked somewhat similar to ostriches. Grabbed a camera and took a photo. The animals perceived this as a sign of danger, but oddly enough started running towards me (with anger) not away from me. I put the camera away and they stopped immediately. They realized that I was not a threat. Enjoyed the glimpse of a pretty sunset for a moment, and left for the portal that might take me to the next zone. It did not. The dream became incoherent.

Has anyone here played From Dust? It's an awesome game that probably influenced my dream.

Skewed portals

Mom visited us (all the way from Spain, yay). Spent a night trying to explain portal dynamics to mom and sister. While I had managed to use the same portals to go to the same place several times over, none of it worked right when I got others into the dream. The portals became very unstable and started pointing to other places.

Levitation with gravity assist

Many more flying dreams. Though, one of them stood out. Me and an ex-friend walking the corridors of a large building of some kind. I tried using walls and corners for gravity assist. Ended up going faster and faster, afraid of splashing against the next wall. Pretty fun, though the speed got a bit frightening in the end. He was not that amused about it.

Space-time

Another night that I intended to redirect my nervousness, worries and anger into learning something new .. wanted to figure out how space-time works so that I could work more efficiently. Perhaps a time-warp bubble around me, so that I could stretch the working hours from 13 hours to several days.

Nothing happened.

Yesterday an old acquaintance suddenly messaged me with a physics / math problem about maintaining stable wormholes. This, in addition to her personal realizations about the fabric of space-time, similar symbolism from old texts and a lot of other stuff.
~"Nah I don't have the time for this."
~"Shut up and absorb the info."
Well, alright.

Catscape

On Sunday evening, the cat encountered another cat and went nuts. "Dragged" the cat home. Next evening I found my soldering station cable chewed broken. Locked the cat out of my room. Cat escaped through the balcony (a refreshing fall of 3 storeys). Welp, cat's own choice. Choices have consequences. Thunder and heavy rain for a great many hours.

Crunchtime

A few 16-hour workdays and slept a night at work again. Had lunch the next afternoon. Ate pastries and cookies and drank smoothie. Happened to glance at the smoothie package and couldn't help but burst out laughing. Childish drawings and some text about a lazy banana who (what) makes sure that people rest and don't work overtime.

At that moment it re-occurred to me that I expect people to feel compassion for me for working overtime. Since this is bulls, I realized that in general whenever someone expects others to do something, it means they aren't doing it themselves (or at least not doing it well enough). In other words, I'm the one who should feel compassion for myself, not anyone else. By depriving oneself of something, one may fail to notice that they're subconsciously looking for other ways to acquire it.

Stress-psychology aside.

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One night in the optics lab a colleague described having a strange experience just a moment before. As he was looking at a specific spot, the whole image he saw just shifted. This used to happen to me quite often when I practised psychokinesis and meditation a lot more. I used to think of it as a shift of consciousness.

Not really related but watched "Arrival" on the bus yesterday and it was awesome! On par with Interstellar in terms of a good message that was also played out very well. Very interesting concepts that got me thinking about how time works again. Also read a couple of paranormal cases from a new magazine that appeared on the shelves at the stores. Spaceships that disappeared and re-appeared later; airplanes that went back in time and then reappeared in the present; some guy who went missing in his backyard, reappeared and then re-disappeared. Actually, I gave the article to my sister to read and she recognized some of what the man had described. A woman in the darkness, telling about how it's difficult to get back to a specific point in time. She suspects it was the same woman who urged her to take her chance of rebirth. It seems as if there were windows of time when portals could be created to specific places in space-time. Perhaps a complex system of stellar and planetary alignments (aka astrology) that bend the space-time through gravity in such a way that makes it difficult to orient and easy to miss the opportunity to find one's way back.

Swaying in the waves of infinity

Took a bus to the capital to use the last chance to see Ryoji Ikeda's "Supersymmetry". First impression: "mildly interesting". I liked the way he presented the idea of particles forming crystal lattices.With lasers and stroboscopic light, I think he highlighted Heisenberg's uncertainty principle as well as the limitations of our technology in measuring these particles (need to take snapshots or integrate). Stepped into the second room. A lot of screens, showing the same thing - what we've learned about the physics of the universe at various scales (probably from Planck's length and time up to the size and age of the universe). Every now and then in the room, there were flashes of light going one way and reflecting back at a different speed. Guide said something about space and time flowing in different directions. General theory of relativity, perhaps? The light cone thing hasn't made too much sense to me, ever since secondary school. Then the pre-experiment tests and characterization measurements were illustrated. Me: "meh". Suddenly the experiment started and something "clicked". I realized the whole exhibition was being shown from the perspective of computers and technology (a sort of sterile, sad an neutral infinity). A sudden boost of inspiration and a bunch of emotions were released. Walked over to the guide again, to listen to the last part. Most of what the guide talked, wasn't that much related to the ideology or philosophy of the exhibition. It was mostly about the art, art philosophy and the biography of the artist. Apparently, Ikeda had managed to remain anonymous throughout the opening of the exhibition. (This made perfect sense to me.) Other artists had wanted to ask questions and comment, but never got the chance. (Somehow my body spontaneously made a sound of scorn. This sort of reaction was out of my role, so I felt embarrassed.)

A short introduction into channeling? In any case, serious respect towards Ikeda's group. The most deep and awesome exhibition I've experienced so far.

About a week ago I remembered the image of an ominous bell tower in the hometown. First time I saw it, I thought it wasn't real because it's not supposed to be there. Anyway, remembered it and had a tough time trying not to focus on it in the mind's eye. For me, the tower associates with a dark age in the present but similar to that during the medieval times. Suddenly it seemed way too easy to accidentally slip through. An "easy" portal to the lower realms?

Hmm .. I think the tower is only visible from two places (or even just one). Either from the church or from an apartment building next to a theatre. The apartment theatre and apartment building have been built on a field, which I remember from early childhood. Walked through the field with Mom one day, and I guess I had previously also visited the place in OBE or something. The place was exceptionally bright with golden light. Perhaps it's just two poles around a center (a mansion with yellow brick walls)?

Not sure what this is about, but each time I visit a museum or art exhibition, I become a bit disoriented. This time two girls went past me on the stairs and commented about the same effect. Each piece of art seems like a portal to a different realm. Perhaps it's this that causes the disorientation and confusion of the mind?

Precognition

There has been a side-project for salaries. Though, now about 1.5 weeks before the end of the project, suddenly the list of deliverables changes. As if the schedule weren't tight already =/.

Well, personally I can't whine about it, because I suspected that would happen. I expressed the concern to our management about a year ago when the contract was signed. They said: "Don't worry, the only deliverables are .. .. ." Well, now it's a problem. Luckily, out of intuition I have been working on the new deliverables before too (although others have been repeating "It's of low priority, stop working on that!") - so we'll be able to deliver at least something.

Another project. I was asked to prepare a Gantt chart with a realistic project timeline. Did (estimated the timeline with the assumption that there are no delays, then multiplied everything by 4 or 5). Answer was: "We can't accept that, it's way over the deadlines". So, shrunk the timeline and tried to make the process faster. Well, after all those delays it seems the realistic project timeline was pretty close to how things have been going. Again, back when management discussed whether we should accept this project, I said we don't have the manpower. "Nah, we'll get more from somewhere." We still don't have enough people and now that I'm expected to work on the side-project and another colleague is busy with school, we pretty much don't have anyone to work on it. The day before the side-project issue came up, we had a meeting with the international partners and I told them we had higher priority issues to deal with, till the next meeting (not knowing, what the issues would be).

Finally bought a laptop for sister yesterday. The thing is, she liked the laptop at a relatively unpopular store. I've been walking past that store for about a year, drooling at the exact same laptop, wanting to buy it .. but for whom? It doesn't have an SSD, so it wouldn't have been very useful for me. Lucky that they had several, so there were still some left.

Sigh (sighing is unhealthy, by the way). All in all, I guess I should put way more trust in precognition.

---

Worrying about the side-project, I hadn't eaten anything but breakfast till 7 PM or so. Browsed the fridge and found an old mix of vegetables and cutlets. Poured it on the frying pan and noticed the vegetables and cutlets had stuck together with pieces of fungus. Also, based on the smell, the vegetables had become sour. Sigh. Fried it and ate it. Realized that the "getting sick" reaction is a matter of attitude anyway - if you're disgusted with the food, then it wants to come out. It tasted, for the lack of a better word, .. interesting.

Worrying about the side-project, I wasn't very productive past 9 PM. So I went to bed early, trying to free the mind. It took multiple passes to clear the mind and relax the body. Then to change myself in order to cope with the situation at hand. At some moment, I felt myself sort of blob together from scattered pieces into a single cloud of consciousness. This is the only way I can focus on the task at hand, to finish it efficiently enough.

Had an interesting dream. Me and sister had moved, although throughout the dream, sister remained in the old apartment. The new apartment was not ordinary. Although it was the same size, it seemed way larger. At first I had difficulties orienting in the rooms, as if the space-time was not linear. By going through a doorway, one could get to any other rooms (including the old apartment).

Another dream, where me and some sort of a companion were hiking / running through places, trying to remain undetected.

Yet another dream, where I approached the channel. There were a lot of people there, digging (or levelling out sand) with spades. I asked "How come you're all in swimsuits when it's November?" I don't think I received any response. Walked around, curious about what was going on. Stepped in a place where a guy threw a bunch of sand at me. I didn't mind, but his reaction was different. I guess all of them were a bit dozed off or something, just doing something (some digging, some swimming, some having a tan).

Stayed in bed a bit longer, trying to meditate while having focus on the bindu point. Ended up getting OBE noise, instead. For a couple of times, I somehow managed to relax enough so that the noise changed. Found myself in a strange version of my room (I guess). There was a large cabinet between the door and me. I recognized the halogen lamp on the wall .. but it looked different. It had some sort of a diffusing paper or plastic film on it.

Stainport

Have been missing a few cues. Rational mind has blocked illogical actions.

A few days ago the cat sped out as I opened the door to the stairway. Me: "NoOooO.o What?" The cat stopped. I carefully picked him up and transported him back indoors. Then closed the door and saw a large stain on the floor, which I did not see before. Apparently this was what the cat was sniffing. However, I found it really odd that I had not seen the stain there before .. as if it had appeared only after I had picked up the cat and closed the door. At first I thought the cat had pissed there, leaving the stain. Later when I thought about it a bit more, it seemed absurd because:

1. The stain was too big to have been caused within a second or less.
2. The cat does not piss on the floor like that.
3. The reflection of the stain indicated it was dry and had formed out of something sticky (as if someone had spilled a can of lemonade).

Since the moment that the stain appeared, everything felt slightly different .. as if I had popped from one realm into another. Well, gradually the event faded in memory and now (2 or 3 days later) I'm pretty much convinced I must have overlooked the stain as I had my attention on the cat.

The pond

A couple of nights ago I focused on the internal flame and had it run through the body, melting blockages on the way. Though, later that night I somehow managed to reset my celibacy counter.

On Thursday, I watched the last couple of Naruto episodes. Although the comments for the episodes were rather discouraging, I found these fillers to be among the best episodes in the series. Tenten was trying to break free from the illusion and save her friends .. but forgot her goal after saving the imposter friends in the illusion. So deep and life-like.

Last night I noticed that this glow, of what I think are biophotons, also surrounds objects that have been in contact with the body (clothes, sheets, blankets). This is why it's difficult to tell things apart - almost everything is glowing.

Final Fantasy influence on the dreams.
Slept a lot during the day. In the dreams I visited a sort of magic pond again. I was walking along the channel, until I noticed sand drifts getting larger and larger. There was someone there between the drifts, who asked me to join. We arrived at the pond, although I wasn't planning to go exploring. We waited for the sun to set, and then started taking off clothes to jump in. One of my socks fell into the water through a gap in the walking platform. Quickly picked it up as it was gradually becoming translucent. Said: "No, I'm not going to let the socks become astral, I need them again later." Put the clothes farther away from the pond, onto a large metal gear that was on the sand, just around the corner. What's interesting about the gear, I knew it had been placed there (a sort of anchor) by dad's uncle who died a few years ago. Jumped in with 3 other people. I was a bit scared, though, and did not want to dive into the center as it would pull me into another realm and it would be difficult to get back again. So, I swam a few circles around the center and jumped out of the pond. I know that I have gone through the center before, at least once. The center of the pond is deep, powerful (basically a two-way portal) as well as dangerous (random entities may appear from the depths at any time). The shallow edges of the pond are not as dangerous, but the water is quite thick of strange life forms of different sort. There were fish, which during the day looked normal, but became colorful and started glowing in the dark. Anyway, I was worried about the other 3 (whom I didn't know), who had jumped into the center and hadn't come back. Hmm.. one thing that so far seems to have been common to the dreams with the pond is the wall around it, which shadows it from sunlight. Though, if I remember correctly, I've come out of the pond during the day once.

Haven't been feeling very well in sync with this reality today.

A portal of some sort

Recently I've found it rather difficult to maintain constant focus on pranayama and vajrayana. So I've been bouncing between stress and strong internal heat. There have been some familiar breakthroughs, though. Realized that the depressive mood was an old mind-pattern being released. It dissolved once I let it go. It was then that the sun came out, gradually clouds crumbled and the sky cleared up. This happened while I was waiting for the chicken that I had put in the oven. With the new energy that was released with the mind-pattern, I played with some water droplets on the oven window. Moved them left, right or stopped them from running down the glass.

Dreams have been quite interesting for about a week or so. A couple of nights ago I appeared in a town in a foreign country. The town was on a mountain side. A bit higher on the mountain, there was a large Midas-like gateway that looked really exciting. Wandered around the town restaurants and found some stone stoves and ovens interesting .. crawled around in them & stuff. Air chutes, chimneys become really puzzling while without a proper body. Once the sun had set, a group of us gathered somewhere in the town and left through a gate. I think I thought it was a normal gate leading onto a bridge, until I paid more attention to the surroundings. It was quite dark and somehow I had to look in one direction for quite a while in order to see what's there. We were walking above an infinitude of some sort of white ... (reminded of mountain ridges or a corral reef-like structure of salt). At first I thought the whole town stood at the top of a mountain with steep cliffs. Having previously explored the town a bit, I had not seen any sharp cliffs like that. Also, there was this sense of fractal infinitude in everything, which has been very rare in my dreams. After looking around at the white ... for some time, I started to wonder about those clusters of lights that I saw at a distance. Well, about the lights I only remember that they were not what I had thought they were. I had thought they were other towns, or houses or something. Woke up.

On second thought, La Gruta de las Maravillas in Aracena might be the closest match to the structures beyond the gateway.

Last night I had a dream where a colleague was present, whom I've very rarely seen in dreams. He wanted to show me his friend's place. His friend worked on special effects, much like himself. Well .. it was a mansion with interesting solutions in architecture and interior design. They showed me some of the tech, which was amazing but was not real (noticed inconsistencies due to dreaming).

The next dream I had a big house, which was quite cluttered with boxes. Wanted to open the window to let some fresh air in.

Summary

A lot has happened, just haven't had the internet / time to post.
Some events that came to mind:

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#1
A lot of work to do and hadn't had the time to do anything. Wasn't too happy about it. Anyway, the first lecture that morning. The lecturer targeted me because he thought I was the sulky one (it's a commonly used method to try to get the attention of the worst of the audience as soon as possible). He picked a random person in the audience and let them pick a random number. I knew he would get me. He counted and got me.

• So, he asked me: "What's your mission in life?"
• Me: "I don't have a mission. <long pause> I guess I just go with the flow and do what's fun."
• Teacher: "If you're looking for fun, then you should've gone into show business, instead."
• Audience laughs hard
• Me: "Nah, for me, engineering is fun also."

Next time, the teacher picked a more complex sequence. He took a random person in the audience and let them pick a random number. He counted .. got someone else, who then also had to guess a random number. He counted .. got me again.

• <audience laughs hard>
• Teacher: "It's you again. <looks at the rest of the audience, pointing at me> After the lectures, when this guy steps out of the room, he's gonna win a lottery. <looks back at me> What would you like to have custom made for you?"
• Me: "I don't know. <long pause> The only thing that comes to mind is the optics for <satellite X>" (note that the whole event was the workshop of <satellite X>).
• Audience: "C'mon, no imagination at all? Wtf, dude."
• Teacher: "There's nothing else that you would want?"
• Me: "<long pause> No, I'll stick to the optics."

As it turned out, the teacher was an optics engineer. The lecture was really good but his teacher-tricks didn't make me feel better.

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#2
Rainy weather. Someone found a scorpion on the corridor floor and posted it on the FB group. Someone else found scorpions in their bathroom. Glanced at the tiny scorpion in the corridor. It just was, sometimes it walked a bit, then it just was .. again. It felt as if I was looking at myself (I'm a scorpion).

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#3
We visited San Marino. A lot of weapon stores (knives, swords, pistols, rifles, automatic rifles, shotguns, etc.). A few stores with T-shirts and caps that had "Obey" written on them in different neon colours. To me, this seemed a bit awkward.

That day they held an archery festival in San Marino. Also there was some sort of a cosplay event or something. Spiderman, batman, batgirl, female Vegeta (from Dragon Ball Z) walked past me. Darth Vader was chatting with some locals there.

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#4
A dream. I found myself in Estonia again, wondering how to get back to Italy. However, this time I was not as nervous as the previous times.

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#5
Another dream. I'm standing in front of a white wall. To my right there's a window or something. I create a small rectangular frame (looks like a picture frame) on the wall. I then somehow create a portal into the frame. Through the portal, I can see a classroom .. I can even stick my hand into the portal and touch the wall on the other end. Awesome... .... ...
.. .... some sort of a creature appears behind me, to my left. This creature is not human and he glows golden-white. He appeared to teach me something about portals. I let him connect to my mind. A lot of data was transferred, but it was incomprehensive for the rational mind and I can't recall it.

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#6
One Saturday I was playing Populous or something, when the fire alarm went off. Ignored it at first. A couple of minutes later I decided to step out to see what's going on. Stepped out :::click::: Realized that the door closed behind me and I had left my keycard in there. Oh well. Anyway, it seemed that Italians are serious about fire alarms (doors close automatically, a voice instructs in several languages and so on..). After some looking-around, I decided to start walking towards the town centre because the roommate had most likely gone that way. Bumped into my roommate about 50 meters later.

One day I wished I would meet the contact person of <satellite X>. The next day the contact person was replacing someone else and giving the lectures.

One day I wished I would meet another person from the company involved in the development of <satellite X>. The next day he was giving a practical.
Synchronicity is very helpful.

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#7
The lights were pulsing occasionally (in both Bertinoro as well as in Forli). Often got entrained and flickered them semi-subconsciously.

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#8
Ah right, in Italy it seems there's a fair, concerts and stuff each Saturday. Bought another Tibetan singing bowl from Bertinoro. This one has a higher pitch than the one we have at home .. it's a lot louder, too.

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#9
Lightning is awesome in Italy. There's thunder and everything is bright for hours. In Estonia it rarely strikes and thunder clouds leave really fast.

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#10
Wanted to visit the Chinese restaurant there. Just before departure, we were brought to the Chinese restaurant.

Sat next to a colleague. When he was about to take the second glass of sake, I saw in my mind how he would just collapse. After drinking it, he said he felt he was going to collapse for a moment. Discussed his problems with him. For some reason, Estonians and Polish guys were always drunk, shouting rude words and not behaving well. Didn't feel too proud about being from Eastern Europe.

In the restaurant they offered fortune cookies made in Germany. Mine said "Your biggest strength is calmness." The colleague had a message that said he had multiple choices and that sometimes it's better to take a different choice than continue the same path. I was impressed, hopefully he was also.

The next morning I realized the depth of the message in my fortune cookie. Our flight was cancelled. Crowded with nervous people. Felt compassion towards the lady who had to deal with the issue of re-routing flights. Also felt compassion towards a guy because of whom the lady became nervous (if I understood it correctly, it was the only plane for that guy). Noticed his calmness as well as the fact that almost all of his bags had the Om symbol.

For a moment it seemed that some of us won't fit on the next plane, which would have meant 10 more hours of waiting. A couple of miracles later, we still got tickets to the next plane.

In Tallinn, as the first thing, I saw 2 pums so drunk that one of them had puke-blocked the whole road. Then saw 2 more pums, dance-walking around. Right .. Eastern Europe.

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#11
Focused on unconditional love towards the trees, ground, air, everything. Previously I couldn't see how this would let me progress, because willpower was always somewhat aggressive.

Some days later I realized I had become aware of another path. I could focus on unconditional love towards myself, while I could still maintain the will to evolve and push my limits. So far I had thought these were mutually exclusive but actually there was no conflict there.

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#12
Missed the signals of a big energy leak. Then messed up even further.

Also became anxious about something that evening. After becoming anxious, the emotional background looked more gloomy and it took a lot of effort to find my way back to focusing on unconditional love again.

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#13
Yesterday I found that something was different about meditation. It worked out different. Somehow I became more absorbed in myself.

Today I noticed how I became nervous when some people presenting at the conference weren't doing too well. I didn't understand why I would become nervous because of something like that.

Ah, also .. @iMm0rTa1: Have you read "The Universal Medicine" by Nicholas D. Collette yet? It describes an interesting methodology for producing ORMUS.

Father has done some research into ORMUS in the meanwhile and he has arrived at an interesting theory. He said since it has the effect of negative weight in sunlight and since ocean water contains the most monoatomic gold, it probably rises from the ocean. In Collette's book, the morning dew is exceptionally important. Near the ocean, morning dew is condensed ocean water. Father also had the idea that perhaps it's not the salt that's so important - maybe salt only helps to extract ORMUS from the dew.

White "room"

Periodically woke up yesterday morning, expecting for a Skype meeting, which was supposed to take place sometime in the morning. The meeting didn't happen, ended up pretty tired. Enjoyed a yawn party, which, after lasting for at least 30 minutes, culminated in the brain waking up.

A few hours later, I felt more lucid than I've been in the last few years. Felt really close to waking up from this reality.

Took a nap in the evening. A few minutes into the nap, I noticed a white portal somewhere nearby. There was somebody there, aware of me. Slowly entered through the portal, while the being was cleaning me with the white psi. The white "room" was without form (thus, not really a room), or rather, it had the form that was projected from my mind. Semi-subconsciously I had projected the 3d image of our bathroom. From the white psi, a part of the bathroom appeared.When it manifested, I could feel it inside-out and move around in there, as if it were an OBE.

Okay, just found that the laptop had woken up inside the bag. It had been there for half a day, battery at around 0%. I hope nothing overheated. When I plugged it in, it went to sleep. The new laptop has already developed some pretty unhealthy habits.

Me cry rivers

Took a nap. In the mind's eye, something portal-like appeared above the body, shining on it. It lead somewhere into the astral. Widened it a little and tried to maintain it for as long as I could. It was warm, blissful and helped to heal the old scars of pneumonia.

It's pretty common to hear all sorts of voices at the hypnagogic stages. However, one of them stood out. Someone asked me if I wanted something to eat. I implied: "No, thank you," without actually saying anything. It was the way they asked this, which made it special.

Remembered that in the evening, when I found I had barely eaten anything today and went into the kitchen to make something to eat.

Some of you may know the feeling when Mom has prepared delicious dinner. She would ask children to dinner. She would love the children no matter what they thought about themselves, no matter what they did. No prejudices, no second thoughts, nothing, just .. pure love. Well, grandma is like that. One week of summer holiday was a bit too short to visit her. Just one week of holiday (out of town, somewhere in the nature) for several years really packs a punch, though.

Anyway, remembered the feeling from that daily nap and when I noticed the contrast of how that someone saw me and how I saw myself, tears started flying.

I always think I'm a macho with superpowers or something, who wouldn't have to eat, sleep, who would never become ill, who would only die at will, who doesn't need anyone to care about him nor anyone to love him, who can live alone for several lifetimes, who would always be perfect and never make any mistakes... this list could go on for eternity. Since I haven't been able to fulfill most of these in the list, I haven't been exactly proud of myself. I have even become blind to everything else.

So, there's the contrast. Someone offering something for me to eat out of sincere love. I see myself as a scum not worthy of food. I thought I had already overcome this issue .. so, in a way, this would only prove that I'm even less use to myself than I used to think. This is the problem that I was born with, the problem that I've tried to overcome in so many ways, all of which have been temporary so far. I even know the solution, but haven't been able to do it yet. I need to develop unconditional love towards myself. The problem is that's an effect, not a cause. Resolving the effect only has a temporary effect. Somewhere within there's the cause, which I'll have to find and sort out.

From one of those discussions within the mind:
- Someone: Live your own teachings