The Sin

Dear Diary,

Today I sinned.

For a while, I had been having a thought which I tried not to finish. Eventually I decided to let the thought finish without cutting it off all the time. The moment it was born, I felt a significant change in energy and saw a shadow dart across the road from my left to my right. It seemed as if the shadow had tried to get the energy, and once it finally got it, it fled with it.

I hope that the damage which I did with it, can somehow be reversed or healed.

Edit: Also worth noting that I had watched xxxHOLiC episode 14 recently. This was about waves, and the power of words.

Evil witch?

I suspect that this is what the evil witch is about? The sleeping witch whom I've seen in the depths of some dreams ever since being a kid. The witch whom I've been the most scared of.

I suspect that I failed to mention it here but fairly recently I finished watching Monster and I thought I related to it a bit too well.

Anyway, with the whole corona virus emergency today, suddenly everything seemed to have clicked together. All the things since the 2nd half of 2019 which seemed off and illogical - were a preparation for the events which occurred only recently. I used to feel very confused and disoriented because nothing which I planned, worked out. Everything high-priority seemed irrelevant, everything was so chaotic .. now suddenly things make sense again.

I'm not sure how to feel about it but for it seems that for some reason I enjoy difficult situations. They make me feel alive, they make me feel as if I was born at the correct time and that suddenly there was a purpose for my existence. During a great difficulty, I often find my mind more clear and easier to concentrate on solving problems.

While it's probably not good to say this, the virus pandemic does help to solve a lot of problems which had been piling up over the years. Problems which otherwise seemed nearly impossible to solve. Problems, which mankind had missed out of ignorance. It's amazing how things take place in this universe. It occurred to me what "conspiracy" might be about -- it's perhaps the same as what I've referred to as "synchronicity".

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm evil or not. While I would prefer people to be happy, healthy and without suffering, I would feel very out of place in such a world. This could be interpreted as "I enjoy people suffering," which I would not like .. I think .. or at least, I like to think that I would not like that.

Sidestep

The recent intentional celibacy fails sparked a few realizations.

Realization 1

One of the realizations was about how my viewpoint of life has been flawed. I had decided to test out this viewpoint since the military service. Alternatively, it could be that it wasn't really a flaw in the viewpoint but just me growing out of it. At military service, everyone else around me was crazy about girls (only good looks were of importance) and they did not really value any of the hidden qualities nor did they value their own self-control.

I decided to reconsider my own values, relax self-control and focus more on girls, too. The more I did, the more I realized how difficult it is to find anyone who would understand me well enough, or would at least value similar traits. Then the dreams related to grandpa started, which raised some urgency in the matter. I realized how different my worldview was from what it ought to be in order to raise a family, so I worked on adapting that.

At some point I considered my worldview compatible enough with raising a family. One day I gave up on actively looking for a girlfriend. It was then that I saw a girl who seemed to be the one. Based on the way she walked and stood, it seemed that she valued similar traits and could potentially understand me. I was very surprised to see that a girl like that actually exists. Haven't seen her since. Anyway, something in me seems to have changed.

About self-control, just recently re-realized that in order to improve, I ought to do things the way they're hard to do. Probably this occurred to me thanks to actually getting a vacation after several years of constant full-time work and full-time studying. While this was somewhat obvious and very well described in Castaneda's books, I don't think it fully clicked back then. Or maybe it did but the worldview which I adapted from military service just wasn't compatible .. not sure but it's also kind of irrelevant. This should also be the key to the puzzle which has .. well .. puzzled me for years: "how to avoid losing the will to improve after reaching one's goals?" If the goal is to seek difficulties to resolve them, then it will be impossible to reach the goals and that would be perfect.

Realization 2

The other realization was about how mind constructs function. I've noticed foreign emotions and thoughts during and following celibacy fails. It's not only "you reap what you sow," but it seems it's mixed with what others have sown. Mind constructs are more powerful and more dangerous than I would have thought. It seems it's quite easy to become obsessed about such a construct, become addicted to it and eventually become possessed by it (or by whatever has been sown right next to it). Again very much like the monsters in Fullmetal Alchemist.

Dark Veil

Today morning I pondered about the feelings of loneliness, sadness, separation and what causes these. Obviously these feelings arise from an illusion, a bitter-sweet illusion. Though, it occurred to me that this illusion is caused by the dark veil.

Based on this, the dark veil (dark blue haze) might have the following fundamental properties: it absorbs and isolates (disintegrates).

It fits rather well with my astral travel / out-of-body experiences. The dark veil can be used to cut space-time, making it possible to be partially in one realm and partially in another. Or perhaps the dark veil is simply the lack of space-time in the first place?

In general this seems to fit well with the guides and stories from Steve Richards' book on invisibility. I think that the main method was wrapping oneself in the dark veil, which would then grant invisibility.

I suspect that presence is only really presence if it's bidirectional - one is aware of others, and others are aware of the one. That is, presence is based on empathy. Now if one isolates themselves from the surroundings with the help of this dark veil, their presence is diminished. It would seem as if the dark veil is absorbing or eating away the energy of the person. So, probably a good anchor would be needed to circumvent this.

Ever noticed how depending on emotions, everything seems brighter or darker? Perhaps we experience this veil differently on the different astral layers of our bodies? On one layer it looks like loneliness, sadness, depression, whereas on another layer it just looks like a dark cloud or mist?

What if people struggling with depression are simply overwhelmed by the veil?

I've also thought that perhaps magicians love to mimick the dark veil with black cloth in their tricks where they cut people in half, make them disappear and so on.

All in all, the dark veil is a powerful tool if it's used with care.

Insignificant

A summary of insignificant events.

Sauna

On Thursday, there was a sauna night at work. Enjoyed 3 rounds of sauna + lake. There's a careful balance: with enough heat the experience is energizing, however, just a little too much and it drains all the energy. Hit near the balance point and became bored. Went outside, sat on the grass and enjoyed the sunset for an hour or two. Noticed that while there were some mosquitoes flying around me, they did not land for a bite. Occasionally other people came to ask what was up. They left soon due to all the mosquitoes and due to it being chilly outside.

Registered on a car that was about to leave. We ended up watching the stars, and instead of leaving we turned the car around and visited the large telescope instead. A very nice night.

Almost no sleep that night. Throughout the night, I simulated a work project that will start soon. The project did not finish well. Rewound and started again, changing some parameters. The project crashed again. Crashed for tens or hundreds of times before I woke up. In my mind I gave up on the project in the morning.

Next nights

Short sleep with an odd dream (too much Baldur's Gate, probably). There was someone in one of those old stone cellars. The roof was about to collapse, so I kept it from falling and started repairing the wooden beams that held it up. Managed to fix things, which caused a change in the dream. An old treasure chest popped up, with an entity that described the reward. "Most people either take the money or the book (wisdom)," the entity said. Figured that my closet was running out of pants, I opted for pants. The entity pointed out that there were two kinds of pants in the chest. Took the beginner's pants of levitation, since I was not interested in becoming overwhelmed with power. Noticed that in addition to being weightless, the pants were alive - a thought-form.

Thought-police

Confirmed for myself that dogs often act as thought police. While I had suspected that's how it works, I hadn't produced such a contrast before. Watched Split on the bus back to the hometown. Instead of walking, decided to take another bus home. A lady with a dog came to the bus. My thoughts were neutral for the 15+ minutes or so. Both of us left the bus at the same bus stop. I simply walked past the dog and at about 30 m from the dog, I produced a dangerous thought. The dog started barking at that exact moment, and kept barking in my direction even after I had disappeared between the buildings. That's an excellent indicator with immediate feedback.

S02E21

Oh my, watched S02E21 - The Calusari. Others' mileage may vary, but for me that was creepy. One of the few episodes that have been creepy so far. Similar to "The Exorcist", which I also used to find scary. It used to .. at least before seeing this:

Conspiracies

Last night in the dreams I cleaned an attic of my stuff. There was still quite a lot of cleaning left.

There have been a few witchcraft-related posts popping up on Facebook recently. Read an interview from last year that I had enqueued for later. It ended with references to a SERN (intentional) sacrifice. Googled that for some time, and then started watching yet another X-Files episode (perfect before bed, right?). The X-Files episode was about satanic ceremonies with sacrifice (S02E14). Same thing - a ceremony, then a storm.

Phone geists

Today morning I saw a fresh graffiti art on a fuse box. Perhaps a bit creepy but very well done.

Pulled out the phone, to take a photo but the phone had become unlocked in the pocket. Not only unlocked, but it had opened the image gallery (which is a lot of taps), selected and opened another photo (not the first, not the last .. but somewhere in the middle):

Basically, it's a photo of the woods during the local lights festival (end of October 2015).
Won't rotate it because I think it looks cool(er) this way.

A workshop with a lot of new members. Somewhat strange that a girl in the management team was more tech savvy than most of the tech guys. So we do have technical management people, after all. She seems very intelligent, very open minded. No feelings, just happy that there are people like that.

While on my way back home, I thought if it was too late to visit a store. I pull out the mobile phone to check time. It's loading "App Store". With an "Err .. what the heck?" I close it again.

I think the phone is haunted.

Old karma

Well, something hit the fan .. I think.

In my mind there are several alternative possibilities that may not be mutually exclusive:

1. I've caught a cold during those OBE attempts perhaps or something.
2. Impure mind has inflicted self-injury.
3. Some black magic at works.
4. I entered the field of my old constructs, which made me cold (stressed and shivered a lot).

Anyway, at work I was sitting at a friend's desk, because mine had occasionally been occupied by someone else. The friend arrived (rarely comes there, since his contract ended months ago). So .. I took my old seat and there I started having shivers .. it was cold, even though I had a fleece on and the room was warm. As I tried to fix the spot, I felt a resistance to my intent.

Today morning the last dream ended in a really suspicious way. Dad and I were about to go somewhere. Dad took a tractor and I just walked. At the corner of a field, there was a buzz saw. For some reason, he did not see it and he drove into it. It cut into the front of the tractor and the tractor deformed the saw so that it cut into its own wires. I casually went to the saw and pulled the plug to stop the sparkling, then walked away. Sparking didn't stop, though .. which was really suspicious. Then the cable turned into a witch's hand, which exploded. The hand gave off the feeling of evil / anger to such a degree that the witch thought sacrificing their hand had been worth the effort to cause damage to someone. It felt as if by pulling the plug, I had disturbed the witch's black magic so that it became unstable and as the last resort, it decided to explode.

Well, I think it's me against my own semi-subconscious constructs that have been caused by an impure state of mind. So, perhaps it was my own black magic that I disturbed and dissipated?

I like how there was no fear nor loss of mind clarity in the dream. However, the dream itself was not very clear - as if seeing through a haze of darkness.

Oh, remembered that before the bed, I noticed my internal light was obstructed by a lot of thin black films, which were curved (as if slightly burnt). The edges of the films / sheets were sparkling with color. Before falling asleep, I was busy cleaning it up, making it all luminous.

Also remembered that I saw a lot of shadows, faces today .. a lot more than usual. And that at work, as I focused on the surroundings, I heard a strange noise from about 20 m behind me. Looked and couldn't see nothing. After the strange noise, the activity of bird chirps and birds flying suddenly increased dramatically. At least, for a few seconds and then it became normal again. Since that flying dream, I've been hearing sounds different (regular sounds non-localized + astral sounds).

Too relaxed?

The heart chakra has been feeling better recently. However, there's some sort of a pain at the back of the neck. A lot of psi still gets blocked before reaching the head.

Relaxed the body last night, which immediately caused a wet dream.

While meditating, everything started looking golden again .. until I found some sort of a dark filament in the body, from the lower left of the body, through the heart and up to the head. Looked at it and darkness shadowed everything. A tall figure, hanging upside down and looking back at me. Instead of a normal human head, it had something black with a swirl on their face (as if looking at the top of its black-haired head, although I was looking at its face). Attempted the usual procedure of hugging it and expressing love towards it, no matter what it was or what its intentions were. I think eventually I acquired the feeling of it.

Have been feeling slightly tired and demotivated. Difficulties with falling into unconscious dreams real quick.

Drop of fear

A healing attempt at my uncle again.

A dark dream (almost pitch black). There was a group of us in some sort of a dark room .. could barely see the faces. We were all scared of something that we knew was going to arrive soon. With us, there was an illuminati puppet of sorts - a girl under their mind control. We were experimenting with her, observing her behaviour when we showed her different symbols. By looking into her eyes, one could clearly see what was going on inside the mind. Eventually we found several symbols which had been used as triggers.

Woke up and noticed some sort of a presence in the room. The fear was caused by me not knowing who, what or why this being was in my room. Politely asked them to leave. They did, after which, dreams flipped 180 degrees, all of them pretty bright and vivid.

Bugsnest

Didn't have an appetite since lunch yesterday. Felt the need for at least something before going to bed at night. Ate cheese, bread and drank some of the water of those 20 years old pickles.

Today morning I had a dream, where a lot of tiny bugs crawled out from my throat area (as if from under the skin somewhere). There were so many bugs that they made the sound of a heavy rainfall when they hit the floor. It kept "raining" for about a minute or so. I probably looked like a moving ant nest or something =).

Similarities to this one: http://sussch-daweird.blogspot.com/2013/02/bugs-came-out.html

Tantra fail in the next dream, which might also be good for cleansing purposes.

Poured over with coffee

An incident that I had forgotten.

During a coffee break at Nelijärve, we were chatting about anime with another guy. Suddenly his hand jerked and I was poured over with coffee. No feelings then. About half an hour later or so, I started feeling rather uncomfortable (as well as suddenly had problems with SVN, laptop lagging, mouse stopped working, touchpad acted weird, etc.) .. until I had gone for a swim and changed the clothes. After that, everything was back to normal again.

To me, this incident looked as if there were an entity observing the conversation. And that entity did not like me yapping about anime. As an effort to make me shut my mouth, it jerked the other guy's hand in their body.

Or maybe geisting?

Noticed the similarities to how black magic works.

Another visit

Read the following note by Michael Grubb yesterday:

Satan, or, the Personality Otherwise Known As, “The Machine.”

Focused more on the feeling of unconditional love towards everything again. At the moment, I feel a bit tensed up again, though.

An evening discussion with the extrasensory girl from India. While moving furniture around, she had found a photo of the father of the girl who had rented the flat before. She had me open up the envelope and take out the photo, to show it to the rest of us. The photo had adhesive goo (or whatever it's called) on it and didn't want to come out of the envelope. Really had a hard time trying to extract it without damaging the envelope too much. Put the envelope back on the fridge, away from her bedroom.

The man on the photo looked nice and calm. No bad intentions whatsoever. Love, care and respect only. She said it wouldn't matter, because in their belief system, it's the way one dies that's important (this man had died in a car accident). Father and I: "Why? That would not be logical in any way, so, why believe in something that doesn't really make any sense.."

The way we saw this ghost .. the man tried to help her, but there might've been a misinterpretation due to beliefs.

Discussed tantra and I realized that's not my path. After reading the aforementioned Grubb's article, I've started to question yoga even more. It seems logical that if most of the religions have been designed on traps, then the same would go for yoga (which is rapidly increasing in popularity, recently). Like Grubb always points out, how important are love and respect, which is always the key (andreidionisie is correct). For a long time, there has been this problem of not feeling this love directly. That is, just having a memory of what it felt like. The memory can be used to recover the real thing, but that's still pretty much the same as being dependent on yoga.

We went outside. Met an interesting person .. researching the devil in Estonian folklore .. at least, until he's satisfied with his career and can devote more to his interest in psychic powers and other paranormal phenomena. Described some of my experiments and shared contacts.

While discussing world politics with dad, I suddenly saw a white flash of light reflect from the wall (we have a plastic film painting there, with a shiny surface). Found that peculiar. Earlier today, I thought I saw through the surface of a gaming mouse (blue LEDs through the black matte plastic).

From researcher to their own research

A while ago, there was another inspiring levitation dream. Would be cool to eventually fly around between planets and galaxies, in a psychic force bubble.

Visited Margaret again yesterday. She's an extrasensory girl from India.

Rather creepy stories of funeral rituals and black magic from the older times, some of which are probably still practised in more rural areas. She described, how people would reanimate the dead or summon spirits of local gods / goddesses, offer sacrifice and beg for them to restore their honour and wealth and avenge others. This usually involves people from other families becoming ill or dying.

To be honest, to me it sounds more like constructs and tulpas and not gods, goddesses. That's because it would seem logical that someone as great as a god or a goddess is also advanced spiritually. I mean, how could one claim to be a god and control people, who are far more powerful and mature than themselves? It just doesn't work that way.

Margaret explained that she needs our help. Tormented by a malevolent spirit, she needs to take medications just to be able to live through the nights. Several people from her family have died, showing signs of black magic at work.

Looked at her from a broader perspective or something and sensed the presence of a dark, large and strong cloud. This thing seemed several magnitudes larger than Margaret herself. Its power made me think before any attempts of messing with it. Even in case such an attempt were successful, the consequences wouldn't be very good. Someway or another, she has to win it herself .. only then can she be free and independent. Otherwise it's almost like one country attacking another, with the intent to free it from its sufferings.

She knows the solution but she's unsure if that's what she really wants. She would have to give up her normal career and future as a researcher .. and become her own research.

Again, the visit made me really paranoid about my geisting, especially since I would occasionally feel psi intensity boosting several fold. Perhaps that's why these visits usually yield a similar feeling as a long meditation session.

There were 3 of us visiting her. 2 of us sat on her bed. Noticed the feeling of cold in the bed. For the first time, I realized it wasn't physical. It's Yin.

The room of someone else

Experienced a lot of 3rd eye sight on Saturday evening. Lost some more energy yesterday morning.

Tried light-stepping on snow yesterday. I guess there was just a little effect on the weight. Somewhat difficult to tell with the snowdrifts this shallow.
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Among some of the other things that I realized recently, I got the feeling of black magic.

At the department store, happened to look at one of the clerks, while dad bought minced meat and realized that black magic is pretty much just leaving a mess at someone else's place. Almost like paying a visit to someone and not expressing respect and gratitude towards their hospitality. Along with it, I saw an image of someone's room in a mess.

Wouldn't have considered it important enough to blog about, but this morning, there were a couple of related dreams.
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In one of the dreams, there was a multiplayer war game. Remembered that game, as well as that map there. Though, as nobody was playing it, the tanks, planes, helicopters were just standing there .. y'know, on a grid, as if in a map editor. Flew over the potential battleground, admiring the graphics, the detail and the ingenuity of the artists.
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Flew home, I guess. Or at least, what seemed to be like home. Next to the roof of a building, there was a big pear tree. A blonde girl had climbed or flown up there. I guess I recognized her from some other dreams or something. Stopped by, she asked if I wanted a pear or two.

Thanked her, took one randomly and lifted off, holding a tree branch lightly. Looked at the pear, to take a bite and saw a worm climbing out. Blew the worm out and ate the pear.

Noticed something that I hadn't seen before. I thought I was next to the storehouse at our summerhouse. However, at a corner of the storehouse, there was a small room. Wouldn't have noticed that, if I hadn't stopped at the tree. Definitely someone else's - that girl's place?. It gave off a slightly frightening feeling.

Flew in .. no doors, nothing there, just an open doorway. The room was dimly lit with a yellow light. The walls were all made of wood. I guess there were a couple of windows or weren't there, can't remember. What really caught my attention, though, were these two bunches of red feathers hanging from the ceiling (via strings).

In that room, I started to feel that familiar feeling of fear (like that of the satan goat dream). The feeling of an immense power without a source - couldn't trace it, because it was absolutely everywhere. So, there was a choice, either I could let this fear enter me and resonate with me or I could just flee. Did neither of these. Tried to purify and transform it to something better.
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Woke up in a bed at some foreign place. Mother was chatting with some of her acquaintances there. The one who woke up, told her about the dream.

Encouraged, I think I entered her Mom's room. Could just barely sense any fear. A rather small room, with a lot of furniture. All of this seemed to have been related to her past jobs. She had been working in a jury system? Cool. Found that the jury hammer was missing .. gently knocked on the table, listened to the sound and poofed away.