Serial Experiments Lain

In the kitchen, I suddenly caught the feeling of the kitchen door closing. I concentrated on the feeling, but then I realized that when the door would actually move, it would hit my leg. After I changed my position, I could no longer feel the door.

Tried waterpicking, but couldn't move nothing. Also tried the propeller over a while. I could barely influence it at full speed anymore. However, I could almost make it stand still at lower speed. Although it was a slight regression, I was happy about the success anyway.

Watched the anime "Serial Experiments Lain" almost in a single run yesterday. I would recommend it to anyone having troubles with their egos. A lot of questions emerged I finished the episodes by 1.01 AM and then went to meditate in order to find the answers. It took me almost an hour of questions; I finished meditating at 1.53 AM.

I probably can't remember all of the questions, but I think I should provide at least a few (in case there is someone, for whom these might be helpful). I can't guarantee that these are the correct answers, because it might be different for everyone. You should just meditate and find your own answers instead of trusting me or my subconscious.

1. Where is ego? In your body. Remember that when your body fell asleep during a meditation session, you didn't feel any resistance while concentrating.
2. If ego is in my body, then is my subconscious ego? Yes.
3. Then why is it that my ego provides information on how I should go and destroy it while it's fighting for its survival? That's what it's for. It's there for training on becoming more aware. (There was also a reason for why it was necessary, but I didn't understand it and thus forgot most of it)
4. What should I do with my ego? I have heard that ego should be killed (read it in some Yoga articles) and I have heard that fighting ego is even more ego (urbanmonk). I have also heard that ego should be tamed. Which one is true? Understand it and become fully aware of it, just like they said on urbanmonk.
5. What happens when one becomes enlightened? I have heard that they cease to exist in "reality" (can't remember the reference), I have also heard that they simply fall asleep (Yoga book) for the "real" (material) world. What does actually happen? You simply become more aware and the rest that happens is already individual. You still exist after the first time your awareness rose slightly. You just changed and in that sense, the old you fell asleep.
6. So, would I still be able to do stuff in the material world after having become enlightened? Yes, but be careful, as you can always become entangled in the material world again. That's why they suggest not to look back until you have gone far enough (something similar was written in a Yoga book). Bobbing in between until enlightenment would be the hard way. I'm all about the hard way. That's how I learned programming as well. If I had just waited for some 15 years, I would have gotten it with a month of studying in the university. Instead, I chose to learn it myself, which took something like ... 10 years or even more? You're going the hard way, searching for shortcuts at the same time, to be specific. Only that on the hard way, there are no shortcuts. You are searching for shortcuts, because you're still worried about time. Which you already told me only matters when there's infinity of it..
   
7. How would I go about becoming fully aware of my ego? You think you have cleared some of your mind patterns, that you actually haven't. Think them through and you'll understand your current mind patterns better, as they are just another layer on top of the old patterns. I used to think that whenever something good happened, I had to pound it into the dirt in order to ensure that nothing bad would happen. That's because everything comes with two opposite sides. You see, you still think the same. And I used to doubt if I was worthy of the good things happening to me. We are all creating our own realities anyway (heard it countless times, but can't remember any references), so what would make you think you're not worthy of something you have helped to create? It's your ego - you have gotten used to how in the material world most things have to be bought.

There were many more questions, but a lot of them I only remember partially or didn't quite understand.

One question I still don't know an answer to is why do I pursue control. Why do I seek power (read: practice psionics), it's egoistic, isn't it? When I get a legitimate non-egoistic answer, I think that motivating myself will no longer be a problem.

I found this page: http://deoxy.org/egofalse.htm. It has good points, but keeps repeating the same thing and is thus occasionally difficult to read. The way to overcome ego that is mentioned there reminds me of a 1-hour long meditation session during which one mustn't move nor think about anything. Suddenly the the ego .. it gives up and becomes silent without saying anything.