Siddhis vs. Self-realization

For the last few days, I have been feeling this feeling like I'm leaving and there's this accompanying sadness for leaving. This sadness reminds me of childhood - when I'm having that feeling, I keep receiving images from that time. I got the same feeling during my first actual psionics practice (before the summer, 2 years ago). Usually the images I receive during that feeling are bound with green grass or hanging plants or sun shining. It feels like I have been there before (wherever or whatever it is) and for some reason, it's pulling me back.

I would like to quote the Kundalini book again:

When a man practises Yogic Kriyas, naturally various kinds of Siddhis are acquired. The Siddhis are hindrances to Realisation. The Yogi should not at all care for these Siddhis, if he wants to advance further and get the highest realisation, the final Goal. He who runs after Siddhis will become the biggest house-holder and a worldly-minded man. Self-realisation only is the Goal. The sum total of knowledge of this universe is nothing when compared to the spiritual knowledge that is obtained through Self-realisation.
...
Ascend the path of Yoga cautiously. Remove the weeds, thorns and the sharp angular pebbles on the way. Name and fame are the angular pebbles. Subtle under-current of lust is the weed. Attachment to family, children, money, disciples, Chelas or Ashram is the thorn. These are forms of Maya. They do not allow the aspirants to march further. They serve as the stumbling-blocks.
...

I have realized it before, but I guess that this is what makes me sad - my goals are conflicting. I can't set up a game programming company, build myself a cool house and fully automate it with electronics, levitate and teleport around when I'm going to chase my other goal of breaking out of the circle of mortality (birth - death - birth - and so forth). Actually, the goal of breaking out of the circle was there even before I even set those other goals. Self-realization seems kind of selfish from that aspect - one gives up on trying to benefit mankind and chases their own inner desires. On the other hand, I think that all people are connected and the more people find liberation (or reach Nirvana or however it's called), the higher it shifts the common awareness of all people. It also helps others to break the while (1) { wish; suffer; } loop. On the first hand again =/, what would be the point of such a complicated system as life, when the main goal is just to hit the Esc button?

Talked with my father about it and understood that it just means that I need to liberate before I can fulfill my other goals. Meditating can only remove mindblocks or hindering thought patterns so that it becomes easier to do everything.


I meditated for about 20 minutes and fell asleep. Went to bed and slept for about 30 minutes, never falling into the deep dream-state, where I'm not aware of what I see or even of the fact that I'm sleeping.