This stirred some emotions in me. Took these emotions, feelings and asked where each one of them came from, why do I feel that way. When I got an answer, I continued the process until I reached that same old root feeling again. My mind was still and the only thing that was on my mind was this feeling of emptiness, sadness and loneliness - a feeling of alienation. Everything feels so fake and I don't feel like I care about anything. Suddenly the school, forum, practicing pk .. all of these seem like little toys again.
When I said a few words to our electronics advisor at lab, I felt surprised at my own calmness and detachment that I felt through him.
I've experienced that aforementioned feeling of sadness and loneliness for so many times. It used to be the feeling that I sensed in almost every building. It was also the reason why I played survival horror games .. in good games the atmosphere reflected this feeling.
Although it was the feeling that I enjoyed, I don't think it's good. It slightly reminds me of someone enjoying cutting themselves. There must be a way to acquire bliss through this detachment. Visualized our galaxy and when I focused on one with its center, it felt good again .. I felt happiness, though, a different one. Anyway, I feel like the only thing that matters now is deep absorptive meditation.
Hm, nope, I think it's more the feeling of departure. Like what Jake must've had before going on his adventure in the Avatar. Laid down and meditated on the galaxy. I started flying around with some other entities / people. Checked back every now and then, feeling a great amount of psi tingling and buzzing through my body. My head became quite warm, also tingling with pleasure just like my hands, chest and legs. I feel reborn, there's a new meaning for my life.
It would be cool to be there every night. That would be awesome.
Noticed the description of one of the music videos that I played for dad and sister.
Loneliness can create both desperation and inspiration.
I was feeling that sadness with you man. The things you mentioned are toys. We could run in circle congratulating ourselves with PK, or any other siddhi accomplishment, but ultimately you might notice that it's another box or delusion. Chasing your own tail, or trying to catch a feather with a fan. Deep down you know it's basically masturbation.
ReplyDeleteHowever, if you are aware of this, then it serves the purpose of teaching you about yourself & bringing you to a deeper lucidity.
I agree about absorptive meditation; it's all I care about anymore. Heck, even becoming absorbed in those toys you mentioned could be great if you do it right! Anything can lead you into the singularity & beyond, if you're focused deep & long enough:)
-Owltwelve
I wouldn't compare it with masturbation. Success in pk, as well as success at school .. I've felt numb to it for about 3 years. Meditating before the exams must've done that.
ReplyDeleteWith focus on the Milky Way, life still feels meaningful. Though, in comparison with what feels to be beyond, pk feels like a cinch.
By the way, the physical pain that I always felt in my heart .. it disappeared with the detachment. Maybe that's what got Nina Kulagina..